Here's the next installment. I tried to break the scene up a bit, so I sort of made up this chapter title. 'No way out' seemed fitting for what Rose was experiencing, so I went with it.Thanks for the reviews as always.

Chapter Four

No Way Out

Later that evening when it was time to dress for dinner, Cal suggested that I wear the red satin gown with a black netting overlay that he had purchased for me in Paris. Not wanting to exacerbate things after what had occurred at lunch, I complied with his request. Still feeling uneasy and on edge, I sought a way out of going to dinner to no avail.

After Trudy finished with my hair Cal and I joined my mother and we made our way to the first class dining area. We were immediately seated with the Duff-Gordon's and the Countess of Rothes. As always happened, the talk turned to the usual gossip and mindless chatter about everything and nothing. I sat around the table, invisible as if it were only the chair sitting there.

I glanced at Cal and then at Mother and realized that this was my life. There was no way to change it and there was no way out of it. The prospect was overwhelming and this sudden feeling of desperation came over me. I didn't want this life, it wasn't mine, and it wasn't what I wanted. It was as if I were living someone else's life instead of my own.

The longer I sat there, the more intense this feeling became until I thought I would burst from it. I stood and excused myself, needing to get out of that room as quickly as possible. I nearly ran to the stateroom where hopefully Trudy was there to help me remove myself from my gown. But, when I entered and called for her she wasn't there.

Taking a deep breath and trying to calm myself I walked over the mirror, tearing the long, black gloves from my arms as I did. I called for Trudy again hoping that perhaps she didn't hear me, but still no answer came from her.

I was almost frantic now to get out of that constricting gown. Somehow it was almost as if the gown represented my life. I reached around back and tried to unlatch the buttons but my efforts were futile. My desperation was reaching a fever pitch now. I had to get out of that dress! I tried again but no matter what I did nothing helped. I could feel my lungs gasping for air and the whole room began to close in on me. I pulled at the dress on the shoulder but nothing happened. I screamed in my irritation. Everything was wrong, everything!

With shaking hands I ripped the necklace from around my neck and started pulling pins out of my hair. I didn't care that I was hurting myself, I had to release myself from this constriction I felt.

There was no way out! There was no way out! I could hear in my head. Tears spilled hot and wet from my eyes. No! This wasn't right! I wanted out! I wanted to be free from all of this! I wanted to hit something, anything! I picked up my jewelry box and slammed it down on the ground and then I grabbed my silver, hand mirror. With a frustrated scream I threw it across the room and then the silver plate and whatever else I could find.

Why was I forced into this life! Why! I swung around and fell into the dresser and that's when I saw my reflection staring back at from the mirror. I saw myself then and I hated what I saw looking back at me. I was a porcelain doll with nothing inside and I was never going to escape this life they had me trapped in, I was never going to be free. Never.

I hit the mirror and spun toward the door. Choking back tears, I ran into the hallway and down the corridor toward the doors leading to the Promenade Deck. I didn't care who saw me then, I didn't care about anything. I just ran and ran trying to escape the image in the mirror. I ran wildly, not caring where I was going or who I ran into.

I slammed through the double doors and felt the cold, night air surround me. The dark expanse of the ocean was all around me as I made my way down the deck. Tears ran unchecked down my face now but I simply didn't care. I don't know how I ended up where I did, but suddenly I was nearing the back of the ship. Harder and harder I ran until I fell into a wheel of some sort. I grabbed it and took several deep breaths. Desperation was near, I could feel it reaching for me. That's when I saw the railing in front of me. Slowly, I walked toward it, only looking back once to see if anyone was around.

I stood there for a moment looking out at the darkness, hearing but not seeing the cold, Atlantic waters beneath the ship. That's when the idea began to form in my head. If there was no way out of my life in this world, then perhaps I could escape it in the next. Fear froze me for a moment, but I pushed it aside. I'd rather be dead then to continue with the life I was living. I felt dead inside anyway and useless to anyone, so what did it matter what happened to me?

My decision was made. I reached for the cold railing and began my slow descent to the top. Grabbing the rope attached to the pole, I lifted myself over the top rail and then back down turning toward the rumbling sea below.

My stomach fluttered wildly as I held onto the railing. One little slip, just one release of my hands and it was over. I braced myself, taking several deep breaths. Then, I pushed myself out, extending my arms behind me. I wanted it to be fast. Once I let go, that was it. My heart was pounding so loud in my ears it rivaled the roaring below. Fear gripped me hard, but I had to do it. I couldn't turn back now. I only had to let go.