A/N: Alrighty so here's another angsty chapter! Beware its going to be like this for a while… you must admit New Moon is a pretty angsty book in general eh? This is basically Edward doing a lot of thinking, not a whole lot of action but I'm saving that up for the next chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or New Moon or any of the characters or plots contained. I am merely filling in the blanks while I wait for Eclipse. All of the aforementioned wonderfulness belongs to the ever wonderful Stephenie Meyer.
Chapter 2
I don't know how long we stood there in the muddy quiet of the forest. The rain was a calming white noise, fading into the background, lulling me into a sort of stupor. My eyes stayed open, but they were unfocused, not seeing. It occurred to me that I was moving, and I shook my head to catch a hold on the present moment. A grim Carlisle and a big eyed Esme were leading me out of the clearing, towards the cover of the trees where the wind and rain weren't so fierce. Dully I told them that it didn't matter; we were already soaked. Something in my voice made Esme's eyes widen even more, a feat I thought would've been impossible, and she turned to Carlisle.
Suddenly I felt very tired. The adrenaline like recklessness produced by the horrifying development in my life wore off quickly leaving me wasted in its wake. I could see the long days, weeks, months, years, centuries stretching out ahead of me into forever.
"He can't travel in this condition, maybe we should take him back to the house for a while, let him calm down." Her voice was low and soft and full of worry; the harshness of my response was uncalled for, "I can hear you. I'm not an inanimate object, and I'm fine. Let's just go." She turned her big liquid eyes to mine, obviously hurt by my fierce tone. Unable to deal with the sudden surge of guilt that her glance triggered, I turned and faced northwards. "I'd really rather be alone right now." My voice was a cold monotone, "I'll meet you in Denali."
I walked away from them, with long swift strides. At first I thought I didn't have it in me to run anymore, although it wasn't as if I was physically tired, but, when I was a few feet into the trees, I heard a distant sound that forced me forward at a neck breaking pace. Miles and miles away I could hear the faint echo of Charlie Swan, calling for his daughter. Apparently my forged note hadn't held him off for as long as I would have hoped. By the time her name reached my ears with a distinct sting for the third time he stopped calling, I heard the bang of the front screen door. He had found her. She was safe. That was all I needed to hear.
I threw myself forward through the trees, closing my eyes I navigated purely by feel. I could hear the forest around me and I focused on getting as far north as I could as fast as I possibly could. I had never really considered it before but I realized now that I had the ability to keep running forever if I wanted to. I couldn't get tired, I couldn't run out of breath, I obviously couldn't get my heart rate up too high. As long as I stopped to eat occasionally, perhaps this is what I should do with this rest of forever. I would travel the world, but I would refuse its every experience. I would see it as the blur that it really truly was.
Because I could already feel a sense of surrender settling over me. This strange and warped world without Bella in it was impossibly bleak. There was no color to it but varying hues of gray. The world had lost its luster for me and it wouldn't be returning any time soon.
I ran for a full day before I reached Denali. When I could smell the other clan I finally slowed, just outside of the nearest town. I wasn't ready to be with the others yet. Listening in I saw that none of them were thinking of Carlisle and Esme yet; they hadn't arrived. Alice was worried about me; Jasper was worried about Alice. Rosalie was upset because the focus wasn't on her, and Emmet was upset because Rosalie was upset. The Denali clan were mostly thinking their own thoughts, although some of them were expending most of their energy trying not to worry about "What the Cullens weren't telling them." Apparently my family wanted to wait and see how much information I was willing to give out. They could tell them whatever they wanted. It didn't matter now; nothing did. I listened especially closely to Alice's mind but I couldn't tell if she had had any visions since I had last seen her. She was too preoccupied with opinions that I would rather have not heard. From the lack of information in her mind I grudgingly assumed that Bella was safe. I would only have the luxury of checking on her through the medium of Alice's sight for a little longer, and I wanted to take advantage of it while I could.
Although I wanted to tell her to keep the closest tabs she could keep, I had decided that it would be best if I convinced Alice not to look for visions of Bella. I was afraid that at the tiniest hint of danger I would start making excuses for myself to go back, defeating my own purpose by putting her in even more danger with my very presence. I had to accept the fact that human lives are difficult and damaging. People get hurt. I had to come to terms with the fact that, being who she was Bella was going to be getting hurt for the rest of her life and there was no way I could stop it without causing her pain.
As long as she is alive, truly alive and living a true human life I thought, pausing on the edge of a small ravine I had come upon while skirting the edge of Denali, I can go on. This of course led to the realization that, due to her human state, some day, Bella would die. The words were painful to think; I winced audibly. I walked to the very edge of the small canyon, so near to the empty air that the toes of my shoes hung unsupported. Briefly I thought of jumping off just to feel the impact and know that something could affect me. I wasn't stone. But I quickly dismissed the idea. I had had enough futile suicide attempts for that day at least.
Instead of hurling myself off the edge, I sat down on it. My dangling leg stance didn't fit my mood, so I pulled my knees up to my chest instead and wrapped my arms around them. That was much better, now the pain I felt throbbing through my body didn't feel so much like it was going to rip me apart. It felt more like I would spontaneously combust at any moment. The fire in my heart was almost as bad as the flames I could still remember licking through my veins as Carlisle changed me.
It was for the first time then that I ever wished that Carlisle hadn't ever created me. For a moment I was able to ignore all of the things I would never have gotten to experience and feel angry that anyone would curse my soul the way that he had. I pressed my forehead against my knees and clenched my hands hard enough to begin wearing holes through the fabric of my pants. I let go and let the anger pass. Even if it was all over now, I wouldn't have traded the time I had been given with Bella for anything. Even for my soul back. I would spend a thousand lifetimes in hell for the few months of heaven that I had been able to experience.
My thoughts were beginning to circle. I could feel my emotions welding together at their endpoints, forming a constant loop. I had a distinct feeling that this vicious cycle was going to become a very big part of my life very quickly. I could perfectly picture myself going from desperate, to angry, to empty, to depressed, to desperate, to angry and so on for the rest of eternity. There had to be a way to end this torture! There must be some way to finally release my cursed soul from my cold unnatural body.
Uncalled the memory from a few weeks ago flooded into my head. I could perfectly remember the warm feeling of Bella's body pressed against my own, the roughness of the blanket between us as I desperately tried to keep her warm, and the salty smell of her tears as she cried over the fallen figures of Romeo and Juliet. Our conversation blared in my head deafening me. Well, I wasn't going to live without you. But I wasn't sure how to do it…. I had said it so lightly then. That memory felt like a scene from a play now itself. Crystal clear, yet shiny somehow, making it feel distant and unreal. The sentiment behind those words had always been real. Perhaps I had meant what I said more literally than I once thought.
I started to consider options. There weren't many. The most likely was probably the one I had suggested in the same conversation. I had heard that the Volturi were very good at taking care of any threat to their covert existence very quickly. I couldn't think of anyone else who would know how to do it… When I began to think about how soon I could get to Italy, I forced myself to stop.
No. Not now. Not yet. I had to wait. Deeper than the obvious reason that it would practically destroy my family, this like the rest of my actions was motivated by concern for Bella. It seemed irrational but some part of me needed to hold on to the hope that if I succeeded in doing away with myself while Bella was still alive, she would somehow instinctually know. She couldn't know that. I had to be strong. I had to wait. I would let her go first, but I would go. The waiting couldn't be that bad could it? I had been waiting for lifetime upon lifetime before I met Bella. This couldn't be so different.
I stood and turned to walk towards the home of the Denali clan but as I took my first step, something glinted in the grass and caught my eye. I picked up a small metal barrette. I could recall the day when she had worn her chocolate hair pulled back, exposing the soft skin of her neck and face with perfect clarity. No matter how convoluted the connection, the reminder felt like a broadsword to my chest. I dropped the barrette and ran a shaky hand through my hair, then almost without meaning to I bent and picked it up again slipping it into my pocket.
Apparently this sort of waiting would be extremely different. Even thousands of miles away in the middle of the forest, where the trees were frozen pines and not dripping ferns, there was no escaping my memories. The emptiness that I had felt for hundreds of years before I found Bella was changed now. It was multiplied tenfold and it had a sharper sting because it had a name. It was loneliness.
I was silent and still for a moment more, then I suddenly shot off into the woods again. I didn't know what to do now; I had lost all of my purpose so I supposed that in theory I could have just done nothing. But the more I stood around thinking the harder it was to remain sane and forget that I had just, in essence, ended my life. I grasped desperately at the idea of distraction in the form of company and conversation. I ran deeper into the woods, once again letting my senses guide me, not needing to think to get to my destination.
I paused in the shadow of the trees, on the edge of the clearing where the Denali clan made their home. The setting was like that of a dream; familiar elements twisted into something entirely different, yet not unrecognizable.
The house was large, although it housed only five "people". In truth it didn't even look like a house, it was closer to resembling a lodge, the likes of which might grace the cover of a hunting magazine. While the house itself may not have immediately seemed to resemble the one we left in forks, a few key factors sent me spinning into a bought of homesickness. The clearing was surrounded by methodically spaced pines, soaring over those that grew naturally in the forest around it. It had two stories, made of a dark shade of wood; the shape and construction was so much like that of the only house I would ever consider my home that it could have sprung from the same blueprints. I imagined that when Esme was looking for our house, a picture of this one had been in her mind. The lower story of the house, like that of ours, was encased in a wide wrap around porch, an almost obsolete protection when the coven lived this far from society.
Their home was at least ten miles out of the actual town of Denali, by only making the most necessary trips into human view and living in such a secluded location, the Denali vampires were able to stay in one place for much longer. In this way our lifestyles differed. They didn't interact daily with humans as we had tried (and I suppose now failed) to do. They didn't hold jobs or go to school. This made their home an attractive option for me at the moment. Being around a whole new high school filled with imbeciles would only serve to remind me of how superior Bella was. It was better for me to avoid all contact really. Better for everyone.
I walked towards the front door. The thoughts of my family and friends filling my head. For once I was thankful for the clamor clogging my thoughts. It blocked out my own mind better than I could hope to. Scared and desperate and wrecked and dead, I opened the door and stepped into the unnecessary warmth.
A/N: Awwww, poor Edward! I love him so! Lol I hope you guys enjoyed that, if you did review. If you didn't it is even more important that you review! Constructive Criticism. That's what I want and need! Lol thanks a bunch for reading even if you don't review. The next chapter will be up soon I already wrote part of it earlier today, I had a brain blast. It will be much more actiony and we will get to hear from the Cullens. Please let me know if you have any suggestions for the character development of the Denali Clan I am having some trouble.