A/N: so sorry about the wait my life is suddenly insane in more ways than one. I'm working on a few other projects too so time is stretched thin. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I hope to update soon but this time I won't be making any promises. Enjoy!

Time whirred on as it is wont to do, and the light left the Alaskan forest. As imaginary liquid filled my body I ceased to be anything close to living. Not that I was all that close in the first place. I imagined myself to be a stone. A white boulder, silent and still. Night came and still I did not move. Life stirred in the edges of the clearing around me. Birds flitted in and out of the trees, an owl settled on a branch to my left. A herd of deer passed cautiously around me.

One of the deer paused to look at me; the others kept moving, seemingly oblivious. It was a doe, obviously young, with the white spots of its fawn hood still showing faintly on its flank. It looked very fragile and soft, standing in the dimness of the wood. I realized slowly that I needed to drink. I should just reach forward swiftly and snap the deer's neck. It wouldn't feel anything. Yet my arm did not move to reach forward. The iron sinew of muscles beneath my skin did not even tense. The thought of killing something so innocent and harmless repulsed me ten fold that of what it always had before. If I could have thrown up, I would have.

Suddenly I sprung to my feet and spun, hurtling back towards the house and away from the deer, which I could tell was still standing behind me, shocked and staring with liquid brown eyes. When I reached the front porch of the house, I slowed, walking carefully up the steps. Inside, Alice's thoughts were booming with worry, and Jasper was blaming himself for everything he could think of. I let myself in hoping that nobody would make a huge scene out of my return. It couldn't have seemed like I was gone for all that long; The time spent on the forest floor was already a blur to me, a smudge of pain in my memory.

I stepped into the warmth and Alice was immediately in front of me, however before she could speak I held up a hand. "I'm fine Alice. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, and that you were worried." She shut her mouth, still looking anxious but slightly appeased. "If you don't mind I think I'm going to get settled upstairs." "That's fine Edward, call me if you need anything." Her voice was small and her eyes wove frantic patterns over my face, looking for some clue to what was going on in my head. I stepped around her and up the carpeted stairs to the second floor. I cycled through the thoughts of the others, trying to avoid running into anyone else. They all knew that I had arrived obviously they could hear and smell me, but none of them seemed to feel it necessary to interfere for the time being. I proceeded up the stairs and down the hall, turning into the last door on the right.

The room was familiar, I stayed in the same one every time we visited for an extended period, however I noticed minor changes. The furniture was the same, a thick pine bed, dresser and desk set, along with two tan leather chairs next to the small slate fireplace. But they had been arranged differently, throwing off my sense of the space slightly. Wearily I recognized the longing for familiarity growing inside of me. I missed the big white house on the river. I missed home. Abruptly, in order to turn my mind to something less painful I went into the bathroom to shower. I flicked on the overhead light and stared blankly at the ghastly image in the mirror before me. I was a wreck. My pale skin looked wan and sickly, marred further by the deep black circles under my eyes. My hair was infused with leaves and debris from my night in the forest. I turned the light back off and started getting towels out of the linen closet.

After twenty minutes of dragging my feet around trying to waste time, I emerged from the bathroom looking better and feeling exactly the same as I had before. Futile. Realizing I didn't have another choice at the moment I pulled on the same clothes I had been wearing since we left Forks. Thinking the name of the town left behind held an unforeseeable twist of heartache, so again I set out to distract myself.

I let my guard down for a moment and voices drifted through my head. Blue? Or Pink? Why does it take hours to pick out a freaking sweater?! Rosalie was changing clothes and Emmett was waiting for her to emerge from their bathroom "At the same moment there came a sound resembling the quick opening, and as rapid closing of a door overhead, while a faint gleam of light flashed suddenly through the gloom and as suddenly faded away" It took me a moment but I figured out that Eleazar was reading, or rereading probably, "The Pit and the Pendulum" by Edgar Allen Poe.

I couldn't hear Carmen, Irinia, or Tanya so I assumed that they were somewhere more than a few miles away, probably hunting. The next voice I could separate from the overall tumult of sounds was that of a human in the woods, out for a hike. I hope I'm not… Ow! Have to keep a better eye on my footing I suppose… The next voice made it apparent that Kate was still in the house. Ow! Oh I wish people would stay away! or at least be more careful! The exasperation in her thoughts was unusual for Kate; she wasn't quick tempered but quite the opposite. However her anger didn't bother me; I understood how she felt entirely as anyone could. Being "gifted" isn't at all what it's made out to be.

The last two voices were probably the most familiar of the ones present. I wonder what's been taking Carlisle and Esme so long Jasper wondered. By now I was settling into the familiarity of the thoughts of others floating around in my brain and I almost dismissed Alice's voice before noting how strange her thoughts sounded. Thirty-One, Thirty-two, Thirty-three, Thirty-four… Alice counting things to herself could only mean one thing. She was hiding something.

With no further delay I was down the stairs searching for her scent. I quickly located her in the obsolete kitchen counting tiles in the mosaic table top. "What did you see?" I demanded. She looked up, overly innocent. "Nice try Alice. Just tell me." She gave a resigned sigh and stopped repeating numbers in her head. Suddenly through Alice's mind I saw Bella laying in her bed. She was just as lovely as ever, resting peacefully, and then as if through a tunnel I heard the distant and harsh sound of her alarm clock going off. She opened her eyes and with her consciousness there came about her face a hollow look. It was as if everything had been scraped out from inside of her. She was a jack-o-lantern with no candle. Mechanically she got up and headed towards the door of her room. Half way she stumbled and fell. I winced as her body hit the hard wood floor with a thud. She lifted one hand where there was now lodged a large splinter. With no change in expression at all, she yanked the splinter from her own palm. Blood began to seep from the wound, but she made no move to stop it. She merely stared at it for a few seconds before getting up and continuing on her way to the bathroom. A small smear of red was left on the white trim of the door frame where she touched it as she left.

The vision ended and I was struck by a rush of feeling. I was deeply disturbed by the numbness in that beautiful face, and I was glad to not have to see the empty staring eyes that had once held such a lively spark, anymore. But I was also pained by the loss of the vision. I didn't want to stop seeing her, alive, if damaged. Alice stared at me worriedly and I thought about pretending that I wasn't bothered by what she had seen. I dismissed the idea. There was no point in trying to put up a good front. "When is that?" I asked her, my voice flat. "Close," she replied, "probably tomorrow or in the next few days." "Good." She looked at me incredulously and I was forced to explain. "Well if she's still upset for a few days it doesn't mean that she won't be all right again by next week." "Edward I don't think…" "I know Alice." I interrupted, "I know you think that this is more serious than that but I have to disagree. She will get over it. With time she is going to move on." I wondered if my sister knew that I was trying to reassure myself as much as her. I wondered if she knew that I wasn't doing a very good job.

"Look," I started, trying to sound soothing, "I needed to talk to you about this anyway." Now was as good a time as any. "What do you mean 'this'" She folded her arms and gave me a hard look. I pulled out a chair and sat down so that the corner of the table was between us but I was facing her. "I wanted to ask you to do something for me," she opened her mouth to interrupt but I held up a palm, "If you would, I'd just like to get my side out there before you start protesting." I put down my hand and let her think for a moment. "Will you let me talk?" maybe he's finally ready to work through this so we can go back I mentally winced at her thoughts and she nodded her head yes. After that I tried not to think as I spoke. I simply let the words pour out of me.

"Visions like that… They worry me Alice. Well obviously they worry me. But I'm not talking about being worried for Bella's safety." I ignored the surge of pain that went with saying her name. "I mean to say that they make me worry that one of these days you're… we're going to see something bad enough to make me want to go back. Not that they don't all make me want to go back, but one that will make me actually go. And I can't let myself do that, Alice. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that I can keep her safe by watching her and rushing to her rescue, when the only true way to ensure her safety is to stay very far away." I could tell that she was skeptical without hearing what she was thinking. I rushed onwards trying to make her understand. "Your going to say that this isn't what I really want and your right. This is the opposite of what I want. I want to ask you to stay with me all the time, searching for, seeking out every insignificant glimpse of her, but that would be wrong. I promised her that we would leave her alone. And I meant it. I understand that you can't always control the things you see, but I want to ask you not to look for anything. Please, for my sanity and her safety Alice, help me let her go."

I layed my head down on the smoothly pieced fragments of tile covering the table, facing away from Alice, while she made her decision. I focused hard on the feel of the cool of the table against my cooler cheek; I probably didn't want to hear what she was thinking right now and that aside I didn't want to encroach on her privacy more than I already had. Usually I was more cautious than I had been in the past few days. I didn't like myself when I relied too much on my extra talents. I felt like I was cheating at life. At death? At whatever this was. I thought back a long ways then, to when Rosalie first joined our family. We were close then. Not in the way Carlisle originally intended but in the fact that we were the only "children" then. Once Rosalie had asked me why I was so morally opinionated and I hadn't had an answer for her. I didn't have one now either (not that Rosalie cared much). An integral part of my personality is my inability to do something if I believe it's wrong. As I found out during the time when I left my family, guilt is my greatest weakness.

I began to think that maybe that is how I should have explained things to Alice. In her visions lay my Achilles heel. If I saw Bella in pain and thought that I was at fault, I would convince myself to return. I had to fight my weakness now more than ever. Nothing else was an option. I turned to fire another round of explanations at Alice, but I didn't find the disapproving look I was expecting. Her expression was soft and understanding. She gave me a meaningful look and I opened my mind finding her voice quickly. I blinked and she began thinking her answer. I wasn't sure that I could say this the right way out loud. She hesitated until I nodded and she continued. I'm going to do what you've asked. I was shocked but I kept listening. I don't like it and I think it's a stupid idea frankly. But… there is a point where I have to stop trying to control what you do. You are a very intelligent vampire, Edward, and you can think for yourself. I'm going to stop looking for visions of Bella I winced again at her name this time physically and Alice frowned as she continued. I can't guarantee that it will work all the time but I'm going to try out of respect for you and your decision, stupid though it may be.

I let out a sigh of relief and the horrible pressure that was now a constant in my chest lightened slightly. "Thank you." I said solemnly. With that the conversation closed and the mood of the room lifted and changed. I was simply sitting with my sister again as I had many times before but somehow the situation seemed foreign. "Has anyone heard from Carlisle and Esme?" I asked struggling to be conversational. I felt as though all of my social skills had been reduced to that of a caveman. She shook her head, "I don't know what could be holding them up, but I'm sure whatever it is it's manageable." I nodded in agreement and we fell silent again. The silence was awkward and it threw me off balance. Alice and I were usually so comfortable with each other. It made me wonder if everything was going to change in this same way. Without warning and for the worse. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose between my pointer finger and my thumb.

Part of me wanted to go looking for my parents, another part of me wanted to use looking for my parents as an excuse to run hard and fast towards Forks, and a third part that I willed to be the strongest, told me that I needed to go hunt. "I need to eat badly," I stated the obvious to Alice; the black circles under my eyes made it all too apparent. "I'm going to head north a couple of miles and then circle back." She nodded and I ignored her thoughts, not sure if I wanted her to understand that I had a purpose for heading away from Washington or not.

I was out the door and running in a matter of moments, but the activity held none of the attractive qualities it had before. I wasn't filled with a sense of thrilling purposefulness, but rather a growing feeling of monotony. It was as if the rest of my existence would consist of simply going through the motions of life. With that thought echoing in my head, I caught the scent of a moose and let my instincts take over. All the while, as I hunted and fed, a deep sense of disgusted sickness was settling into my stomach. When I returned to the house an hour or so later it didn't leave. It stayed as I robotically said hello to my family and friends and as they told me that Carlisle and Esme had called and would be arriving in the morning. It settled in deeper as I recognized that I didn't know how to or even want to be with anyone else anymore.

I found when I locked the door to my room, even the solitude I seemed to crave could offer no comfort. I felt like I was wondering around in some sort of wasteland. There was nothing left for me in the present and I obviously had no future to move towards. This thought gave me the idea that maybe it was possible to simply live in the past. I layed down on the soft blue of the down quilt on the bed and closed my eyes. I searched through my memories for one that was happy yet wouldn't be too painful if the experiment I was testing out failed. I settled on one from the past summer. One day that had promised to be particularly nice for Forks Alice had proposed that she, Jasper, Bella and I go for a picnic by the river. I let myself sink into the memory, forgetting everything since.

I waited in the Volvo around the corner of her street until Charlie left for a seminar at the police station, he still wasn't my biggest fan and while he knew where his daughter would be spending the day we had decided that it would be better if we didn't actually have to come face to face when it wasn't absolutely necessary. When his thoughts trailed off I pulled around and into the drive quickly. By the time I stepped out of the car she was already on the porch. I smiled as I realized that she had been waiting by the window. I lost a race with Emmett the week before and the cost of the bet was that she got to drive my car to the house today. I was nervous but I climbed into the passenger seat anyway. Besides her teasing me about it the drive went smoothly. I found myself filled with pride at her obviously above human par driving skills. Taking longer than it would if I had been driving but not too much we arrived at the house.

Alice and Jasper were waiting on the porch, Alice holding a picnic basket filled with whatever she had decided to feed Bella today. They smiled and stood and we all began to walk around the side of the house. We made our way down to a part of the river that flowed more calmly, laughing and talking on the way like a normal group of teenagers going to have lunch. Alice spread out a blanket on the bank and Bella stepped out of the shade of the woods to stretch in the sunshine. The sun reflected off of her hair, showing red highlights underlying the deep brown. Suddenly with no apparent motivation, she turned to smile at me. The image of her smiling, eyes filled with an unjustified love, practically sparkling in the sunshine, overwhelmed me.

I sat straight up from the bed and looked around shocked that I wasn't looking at the bank of a river. I had allowed myself to take the memory much too far but it didn't bother me as much as it should. I was dangerously eager to return to the images of bliss and to forget my new empty life. As I contemplated slipping back into the sunshiny day in my head it began to fully sink in that it was in the past. Gone forever. Remembering that all the good in my life was gone wasn't nearly as nice as the other sort of remembering. At a stalemate with myself in regards to what to do next, I fell back to the old reliable practice of distraction. I needed to talk to Kate as I had promised Alice I would anyway.

I walked towards the study with my hands in my pockets and my head down. I didn't know what I was going to say to Kate, and I didn't know what I was going to do after that. I didn't know anything frankly, but that wasn't going to stop any clocks and it wasn't going to heal any of my wounds. I knocked on the study and got a two fold response. Edward? "Come in."