a/n: i don't have all that much to say, except that let me apologize in advance if this is really sad, i get depressing when i'm stressed. but enjoy it anyways!

disclaimer: i have said it multiple times before and will probably say it multiple times again, i don't own grey's

Holli spent the rest of the day in the same daze. There were no tears, no hysterical sobbing. She was good at hiding her emotions. She had learned when she was about five that showing any anger around her mother would earn her a slap. So she learned to keep any emotion concealed. And it worked. No one could guess that her seemingly permanent happiness was a mask for any other emotion. Sure, she was a little out of practice because she had been letting people in lately, but she was still a master. No one could guess that anything was wrong, except Addison. As the day wore on she became more and more worried about Holli. Her worry reached it's peak when she saw a creepy thirty something man hit on Holli and Holli didn't get mad. Holli always let that kind of person know exactly what she thought of them. She would scream at them and slap them across the face and only then would she walk away. So it was troubling when all she did was walk away. She didn't even give him a disgusted look.

It continued when they went home that night. Alex, knowing how upset Holli had to be, had given Addison a kiss and promised to call later.

"I'm gonna go to bed," Holli said as they walked in the door.

"Alright," Addison answered, "Holli? You can stay in my room tonight, if you want."

"Thanks, but I'm fine. Really. You don't have to hover."

"Okay, if you're sure…" Addison responded unsurely and headed off to bed.

-------------------------

It was probably around midnight when Addison heard the door creak open. The noise woke her up and knowing who it was, she scooted over to make room. She felt a slight chill as the covers lifted up and Holli got under them. "You okay?" Addison whispered.

"She was going to be my maid of honor."

The statement thoroughly confused Addison, who wasn't aware of any wedding except her own. She didn't even know of a possible boyfriend. "Wh-"

"We had our futures planned out. We were going to get straight A's and then go to Berkeley or Stanford or Pepperdine. A good school somewhere in California. Somewhere where there is actually a change in weather. And then we were going to meet guys and fall in love and get married. And we were going to be each others maid of honor. And then we were going to live in the same suburbs of the same city, preferably in the same neighborhood. We were each going to have a pet. A dog for me, and a cat for her, since she was allergic to dogs. And then when we had kids, we were going to get them together for play dates every Saturday. That was what was supposed to happen. And now it never can," Holli explained. She had been staring at the wall during the entire speech and didn't notice the single tear that her eyes and rapid blinking allowed through. "It's just strange, you know? I mean, earlier today I was contemplating calling her, and now I'm contemplating whether or not I'll be able to make it to her funeral."

Addison didn't have a response to this, so she turned over and wrapped her arms around Holli, trying to give her some sort of comfort. Holli didn't respond, but she didn't push her away either.

Holli knew that she should have some response to Addison putting her arm around her, but she was honestly too emotionally drained to even care. So she didn't move closer and she didn't push her away. She just stared at the wall until finally sleep washed over her.

--------------------------

The next morning Holli was back in her 'everything is fine' mask. And that worried Addison. Usually by now the shock had worn off and the hysterical sobbing and grief had set in. But not for Holli. She managed to get herself up and dressed and fed before Addison even thought about waking up. She sat and watched TV while Addison was getting ready. She acted like it was any other day. An outsider would have never known anything was wrong. Addison might not have noticed either, except there were subtle differences. Holli didn't smile once. She didn't joke or tease anyone. There was no gleam in her eyes. She didn't look sad, but without that gleam she looked, Addison had no idea what to call it, but the best word for it would have been empty. Her posture was different, she seemed smaller. They were all little changes, but ones that Addison couldn't help but notice. "You can cry you know. It is allowed," she said in the middle of a particularly painful and silent car ride.

"I'm fine."

"Your best friend is dead. There is no way you can be fine!" Holli flinched at the outburst and the use of the word 'dead'. "I'm sorry. That was harsh. But you can't possibly be doing as well as you make yourself out to be. You haven't cried or grieved. You have to do things like that. It's part of the healing process."

"Who died and made you expert of everything?" Holli snapped. "Look, it's not that I'm not sad," Addison looked over, hoping that Holli would finally talk or cry or do something. And for a moment Holli almost did, but then thought about it and retreated back inside herself, "But I am fine. I'm fine," she repeated, hoping that maybe if she said it enough times it would be true.

-----------------------------

During the weeks leading up to Cassandra's funeral Holli retreated further and further into herself until she would rarely talk to anyone. She wouldn't eat, she wouldn't go to the hospital. She stayed in her room all day listening to depressing music and staring at the ceiling. Sometimes, if she didn't blink, she could make out pictures. But the images would scare her, because they told her the truth, that she wasn't fine, and she would blink and they would disappear. And all the while, she was getting sadder and sadder, but not once did she cry. She wouldn't allow herself to cry. Cassandra had never liked crying and she had never had any tolerance for too much sympathy, so Holli wouldn't let herself be affected. But she was being affected, she just didn't believe it.

Addison noticed all of this. She knew that she should try to do something, anything, but she didn't know what to do. She had no clue what to say; she had never been a mom, in fact she had killed both chances of that. Well, the first one wasn't her fault, but the second chance, now that was completely and utterly her own fault. But no matter who's fault it was, she had never had to be there like this for anyone. No matter whose fault it was, she sat back and watched as her godchild got more and more depressed. She went to the hospital as little as possible and put off all the wedding planning. There was too much joy in planning it, and she refused to be happy until Holli was.

The day of Cassandra's funeral Holli decided she had had enough. Addison and Alex were both at the hospital, but they were due home any minute, so she finally got up, grabbed a piece of paper and pen, scribbled a note, and. before she could change her mind, stuck it by the coffee maker where Addison was sure to see it. And then she ran out the door, not even grabbing her beloved iPod.

----------------------------------

About fifteen minutes later Addison went into her kitchen, in dire need of caffeine. And that's when she saw the note. It was folded messily and her name was scribbled across the front of it. Curious, she opened it, read it, and then she gasped at the contents of the note.

Addi, it said. I'm not really sure what I'm doing right now. I'm kind of acting impulsively, which is nothing new for me. Right now though, I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I don't know why, but I can't. It just doesn't seem right, that I'm here and Cassandra isn't. I couldn't go to her funeral and I don't really know if I can stay here. Like I said, I don't really know what I'm doing, but I do know where I'm going. If you get home soon, then I'll be at the park, you know the one, the one with the big, deep pond about two miles from your house? I don't know what I'll do when I get there, but if this ends up being a suicide note, then I just want you to know that I love you, and that even though I'm not there, you should still get married. Because you deserve happiness and I know that if I'm gone and I don't tell you this, then you won't do it, because you'll feel responsible and like you don't feel like you deserve it. You're not responsible and you totally deserve it, Adds, I promise. The responsibility's all mine, and I fully accept that. So you know where I am, and if you hurry then maybe you can catch me before I go. If I go. I don't know whether or not I will, but I really wanted to have all my bases covered, just in case. Once again, I love you and you need to get married. I'm sorry if I ruin your happiness, but please don't be all that sad. Just know, that if I decide I need to go, that I'm watching you. Wait, that sounded slightly stalker-ish. I just mean that I'll be there, whether or not I'm physically there. It'll be okay, I promise.

Peace and much love,

Holli

After reading that, Addison nearly fainted. She probably would have, except that she was too busy grabbing her keys and running for her car.

now should i end it here or not? it would be a humongous cliffhanger...

nah, i'm not that mean

It took her a matter of minutes to get there, but even though it didn't take her long, time was a precious commodity in this situation. Her eyes quickly scanned the water of the lake, but she didn't see anything. She wasn't sure whether or not to cry in relief or grief, so she carefully scanned the humongous rocks around the lake. She was just about to give up hope when she noticed a figure curled up on the top of one of the rocks that had a gentle enough slope to climb. She hurried over to it, slipped off her heels, and started to climb. When she reached the top, she realized that it was indeed Holli, who was looking at her strangely.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again, Holli Elizabeth Carpenter," she panted. "Don't you ever even think about it."

"I actually did it," Holli said, more to herself than Addison. This confused Addison even more, because Holli could not have committed suicide and be talking to her now. And then she realized that Holli was soaking wet. Holy shit, she had actually done it. "I jumped in and I just stopped. I stopped breathing, I stopped kicking, I stopped moving. I did everything but stop thinking. I kept thinking about you and Alex and how I was never going to see you get married. And for some reason that made me want to live more than anything else. So I managed to kick a little and I got my mouth out of the water and started breathing. So you had better make that wedding worth it. After all, I'm alive because of it."

"How can you even joke about something like that?"

"You know I'm not really sure, I think it comes with the near death experience. I think it qualifies you to make morbid jokes," Holli replied, sounding more and more like her old self with each word, even managing a genuine smile. It wasn't her normal grin, but it was there.

"I missed that smile," Addison commented.

"It is pretty fantastic, if I do say so myself."

"I'm just glad it still exists," Addison said before pulling Holli into a hug. And then she began to laugh hysteric, crazy woman laughs. And before long she was sobbing into Holli's shoulder, which was not helping Holli dry off.

"Let me tell you something," Holli whispered, "If I had died, I would have regretted it immensely and I would have missed you the most."

and there you have it. aren't you glad i didn't stop where i wanted to? i still have finals, but the more reviews i get the less i study for them and the more time i spend writing the next chapter!