Chapter Nine
Padmé and Shmi returned to the house a short time later, where Shmi decided she needed a rest. The long walk to the meadow and back again was rather taxing for her, and she was feeling quite tired.
Padmé found herself quite bored in the large house with no one to talk to. She wondered where Anakin had wandered off to, and also wondered what frame of mind he was now in. It was clear that his mother's shock and disappointment in him had shaken him deeply. Would her influence be enough to bring Anakin back from the Dark Side that had seemingly claimed him? She had been absent from his life for the past eleven years, during which time Palpatine had assumed the parental role in Anakin's life. But Shmi was back, and she was not afraid to put her son in his place or tell him what she thought of the way he was living his life. Perhaps, Padmé reflected, she was the kick in the pants Anakin needed to force him to see how Palpatine had been manipulating him all these years. Anakin undoubtedly valued her opinion and sought her approval; but would that be enough to loosen Palpatine's hold on him?
Why am I so concerned about this? She thought to herself. This is the man who was going to kill me…why do I care what happens to him? She told herself that it was because of Shmi that she cared what happened to Anakin; Shmi was a kind, good hearted woman who deserved happiness in what had been a very difficult life. Yes, that was why Padmé cared- at least, that's what she kept telling herself.
Finding herself too restless to remain indoors on such a beautiful day, Padmé decided to go for a swim. She changed into her swimsuit and headed down to the beach. Leaving her towel and wrap on the stone bench on the patio that faced the lake, she waded out into the calm, cool waters of Lake Varykino.
Anakin found himself back at the house, and walked out onto the terrace. He had spent more than an hour pondering what his mother had said to him, or rather, what she had forced him to think about. It was not easy for him to face her disappointment; as a young boy he had always sought her approval and wanted more than anything to make her proud. This had not changed. He still wanted her to be proud of him, he still needed her approval. But he knew that right now, he had neither. She needn't have said a word to him; the look in her eyes said it all.
It was not only his mother's words that he heard again and again in his mind; Padmé had also shaken him with her revelation about the Jedi Council. He had spent half of his life despising the Jedi because he believed that they had abandoned him, not caring whether he lived or died. Had that been a lie? Had they truly tried to find him in order to help him? The more he considered it, along with everything else he had discovered over the past several days, the greater the feeling of uncertainty within him grew.
Anakin had never had any reason to question the motives of his master; Palpatine had been good to him, for the most part. He had indulged Anakin's love of machines, his love of flying, providing him with the means to purchase whatever he wished to nurture his skills and curiosity. He had given Anakin the best of everything; but the life he had provided him with lacked the one thing he'd had in abundance while living with his mother: love. Anakin had learned early that there was to be no emotional attachment between him and his guardian; in fact, Palpatine had gone out of his way to discourage any sort of emotion in Anakin except those of a dark nature. It had been so long since Anakin had felt anything akin to love for someone else that he felt overwhelmed by the feelings of it when he was with his mother. Like a man in a desert who had been deprived of water for so long, the unconditional love that Shmi felt for him was reawakening within Anakin the feelings he had buried deep down for so long. He loved his mother, he had missed her, and now that she was back in his life, he had no intention of leaving her out of it ever again, even if that meant disobeying his master.
And what about Padmé? He had loved her when they were both children, but had spent the past eleven years resenting her, having been told that she had ignored his pleas for help when the Jedi allegedly cast him aside. And now he knew that was a lie, a lie told to him by the same person who had lied to him about the Jedi, the same person who had forced him to ignore his own mother, the same person who claimed to have his best interest at heart. Anakin had to wonder whose interest Palpatine was considering, and had been considering all these years, for the more he thought of it, the more resentful he became.
"When did you get back?"
Anakin turned to see Padmé walking towards him. She wore a short wrap over her two piece bathing suit. As she drew closer to him he noticed that her hair was wet, and there were droplets of water on her bare skin. He simply stared at her as she walked towards him, the curves of her body sending his mind spiraling.
"Anakin did you hear me?"
"Sorry, what did you say?" he asked.
Padmé noticed how he was looking at her, and pulled her wrap closed. "I asked when you got back to the house."
"Just a few minutes ago," he replied. "It's beautiful up there," he added.
Padmé nodded. "It is," she agreed. She hesitated before asking what she felt needed asking. "So? What are you going to do?"
Anakin knew exactly what she was talking about, and didn't need to ask for clarification. Yet, he didn't know what to tell her, for he himself did not know.
"I don't know," he said at last, looking out over the lake. "I don't think I've ever been so confused."
Padmé nodded, coming over to stand beside him and watching the lake below as he was. "You know now that what I've been telling you is true, don't you?"
"You mean about the Jedi? About you?" he asked without looking at her.
"Yes," Padmé replied. "You know that Palpatine has been lying to you all this time."
Anakin's jaw tightened at this, but he said nothing. Yes, he knew it; but how could he reconcile such a thing? It would mean admitting that the past eleven years of his life had been based on lies, that everything he held to be true was false. Not an easy thing to face.
"Why?" he asked at last, the acrimony clear in his voice. "Why would he do it? Why would he lie to me, Padmé? I don't get it. What advantage did it give him?"
Padmé shook her head. "I don't begin to understand the way that man's mind works, Anakin. Why does he feel so threatened by me that he wants me dead?" She stopped as a thought struck her suddenly. "He was behind the explosion on the landing pad," she said, a frown forming on her face. "He is the one responsible for the death of all those innocent people, including my dear friend Cordé," she finished, her voice faltering as she thought of her loyal handmaiden.
Anakin could see how angry and upset she was, and he couldn't blame her. Nor could he offer her any explanation, for she was undoubtedly right.
"I'm sorry," he said simply.
Padmé turned and looked at him. "He's a monster, Anakin," she said softly, her dark eyes full of emotion. "Can you see that now? He is a monster and he has done his best to make you one as well. Only he hasn't succeeded."
Anakin frowned. "No?" he said. "I came here to kill you," he said. "What does that make me?"
It was the first time that Anakin had ever shown any shred of remorse for his actions, and it gave Padmé hope. "The fact that you didn't proves that you are not," she told him. "The fact that you feel ashamed that you almost did does as well. Palpatine has no soul, Anakin; his heart is black and his mind corrupt. But you have good in you, I know you do. You love your mother; no one capable of love is without hope. Just remember that, and don't let him destroy that love."
Anakin shook his head. "He won't," he told her. "The more I think of it, the more I realize that he kept me apart from my mother because he knew how much I loved her. That's probably why he…" he stopped, realizing he'd said too much.
"Probably why he what?" Padmé pressed. "What were you going to say?"
"Nothing," he said, looking back at the lake. "Where is my mother now?" he asked, changing the subject.
"Inside, resting," Padmé said. "She was pretty worn out after the hike this morning."
Anakin nodded. "I'm going to go see her," he said.
Padmé only nodded in response and watched him go, feeling more certain than ever that the boy she once knew was struggling to surface within the man he had become.
Coruscant-Office of the Supreme Chancellor
Clouds of pink streaked the sky as the daylight bled away, lights from the ever present traffic flickered. Narrowed yellow eyes followed their progress as they sped across the vast expanse of window and disappeared into the dying light of the Coruscant sky. Dark thoughts consumed the mind behind the yellow eyes, thoughts of destruction, of treachery, of power.
More than a week had passed since Palpatine had dispatched his protégé to eliminate Senator Amidala. He had not heard from Anakin since the day he left Coruscant, and although he was not concerned about the young man's loyalties, it did surprise him somewhat that he had not contacted his master by now. Palpatine had looked forward to hearing the details of her death, which, he hoped, included details about what Anakin had done to her before he had actually killed her. You've come a long way, my young apprentice.
Palpatine had watched the unusual boy that he had taken into his protection grow into a man, the remarkable abilities he had shown as a boy having been honed and perfected over the past eleven years. At twenty the man embodied powers that few could even imagine. He was the perfect choice, the perfect apprentice. A grim smile turned the corners of his mouth as he formulated a plan. Very soon, young Skywalker, your soul will be completely mine, and then I shall rule the galaxy.
Naboo- Lake Varykino
Anakin's sleep was a restless one that night. Try as he might, he was unable to stop thinking of the course his life had taken since the last time had seen his mother, since the last time he had seen Padmé. He had believed everything that his master had told him about the Jedi, about Padmé, about the nature of the Force; now he was forced to face the distinct possibility that everything he had grown up believing was false. And as if this wasn't painful enough, it came with the realization that Palpatine had undoubtedly had his own agenda and his own reasons for lying. What those reasons were, Anakin could not yet comprehend. When he thought how close he had come to killing Padme, a woman who had shown nothing but kindness to him and his mother, it made him shudder with horror.
The thought of Padmé only added to his confusion. It seemed impossible that mere days ago he had considered murdering her, for now the thought of her sent his mind into a tail spin. He couldn't put a name to the way she made him feel, but he knew that he had never felt like this before. She had somehow found her way past his hardened, callous exterior, without even realizing that she was doing it. How was it that she could see something in him that he didn't believe existed? And yet she did, just as his mother did. Were they right? Was he more than just the henchman of the Chancellor, the apprentice to the Sith? Questions tore at his mind as he fell into a fitful sleep.
Anakin pushed open the door, which was ajar, and entered the darkened room. He could sense the presence of someone in the room, and he smiled, knowing who it was. Stealthily he crept across the room, silent as a predatory cat, his eyes searching the darkness her. She was sleeping, and quite oblivious of his presence. He reached the bed and watched her in the light of his saber, a red glow illuminating her face in all its perfection. Raising his saber, he prepared to strike her, but she opened her eyes and he froze. Scrambling over to the other side of the bed, she activated the lights, and stared at him, her long hair loose and unruly around her shoulders.
"Why, Anakin?" she cried. "Why would you do this to me?"
He couldn't answer her, nor could he move. The reasons he'd been so sure of when he entered the room had evaporated from his brain, leaving him confused and uncertain of his course.
"I was sent to do this," he said at last. "I have no choice."
"There is always a choice, Anakin," she replied, standing up and moving around the bed. "Never forget that – there is always a choice."
Anakin sat up in his bed, shaken by the images of his dream. His heart was pounding within him as he ran his hands through his hair. I almost killed her, he thought, shocked by how horrifying this thought was to him now. He wants me to kill her…what am I supposed to do? How can I tell him that I cannot do it? What will he do if I do so? Will he send someone else? Will he kill me first and then do the job himself?
Anakin spent the better part of an hour trying to get back to sleep. Eventually he did, but it was a restive, troubled sleep, full of disturbing dreams. Finally he got out of bed, realizing that he would not know rest this night.
He made his way outside onto the terrace, where the full moon was full and bright. Anakin stood resting his forearms on the railing, looking out onto the lake's still waters.
"Can't sleep?"
He turned to see his mother standing close by. He shook his head. "You?"
"I was dreaming of Cliegg again," Shmi replied, coming to stand beside him. "That always ends my sleep in a hurry."
"I'm sure," he said sympathetically. "He must have been an amazing man."
Shmi nodded. "He was," she replied. "I'm sure you'd have liked him. Did you tell me you'd met Owen and Beru?"
"Yes I did," Anakin replied. "They seemed like good people."
"The best," Shmi said. "I would like to go back to Tatooine some day to see them," she added softly. "Do they know that I'm alive? Were you able to tell them?"
"Yes, I brought you back to the homestead before we left Tatooine," he reminded her.
"You and Padmé," Shmi said.
"Yes, me and Padmé," he replied. "She made arrangements for the hospital here in Theed to be ready to receive you when we got there."
Shmi nodded. "She is a very special young woman," she commented, watching her son's reaction.
"She is," he replied simply.
"Have you decided what you are going to tell Palpatine?" she asked.
Anakin shook his head. "No," he replied. "I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he contacts me and asks me what is going on."
"And what will you tell him?" Shmi asked.
"What can I tell him, Mom?" Anakin replied. "That Senator Amidala is still alive, and I have no intentions of killing her."
Shmi nodded. "Will you tell him how you feel about her?"
Anakin frowned and turned to her. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Come now, Ani," Shmi replied. "You may be able to hide your emotions from most people, but you can't hide them from me. I can see how you look at her. You care a great deal about her, don't you? Why else were you unable to obey a direct order to kill her?"
"Well, I do care about her," Anakin admitted. "We were very close as children, remember?"
"Yes, I remember," Shmi replied. "But it's more than just childhood friendship that you feel for her, Anakin, admit it. She has grown up to be a beautiful woman; don't tell me you haven't noticed that."
Anakin was surprised by how forthright his mother was; but then again she always had managed to cut through to the heart of the matter. Even now she was able to read his heart better than he himself was in many respects. "I'd be blind not to," he replied. "But just because I find her beautiful doesn't mean that I…."
"Anakin, please," Shmi said. "You seem to forget who you're talking to. Why are you so reluctant to admit that you are attracted to her? What are you so afraid of?"
Anakin turned away from her again. "I'm not afraid of anything," he replied.
"I don't believe you," Shmi persisted. "I think you're afraid of her rejecting you, as you thought she did all those years ago."
Anakin frowned, not liking the way his mother was seeing right through him. He did not reply, and so Shmi continued.
"She didn't reject you back then, Ani," she reminded him gently. "And she wouldn't do so now. If she has been able to get past the fact that you very nearly killed her, then don't you think she has some significant feelings where you are concerned?"
Anakin hadn't considered that, hadn't let himself consider it; but what she said made sense. By rights Padmé should despise him for what he almost did, for what he did to her at the ballet; but she clearly didn't. In fact, she had done everything she could to help him find his mother. Why would she help him if she didn't care?
"I don't know what to think," he admitted at last.
Shmi could see how confused her son was, and put her hand on his arm. "Anakin, don't be afraid to listen to your heart," she told him. "I'm afraid in the long years in Palpatine's service you have forgotten how to. Listen to your heart, Anakin. Don't be afraid to love her again."
Anakin could not respond to his mother's words, for they had stirred up his emotions too much. He had never been so confused in his young life, and it made him miserable not knowing what to do. He turned to his mother, realizing that her strength was what he needed to help him through this crisis.
"I've missed you, Mom," he said at last, pulling her into his arms. "So much…"
Shmi held him close and stroked his hair gently, doing her best to soothe his troubled spirit, sensing that the walls were starting to come down, and the soon, quite soon, her son would be free once again.