Fainites
Floella stepped out of the fireplace and into her living room, still chuckling and wiping tears of mirth from her eyes, and she froze when she saw Lee in the process of levitating her three piece suite.
"What are you doing child?" a puzzled Floella asked.
"I'm having a clear-out," Lee said with a shrug, "where've you been?"
"I was just helping Marie take the Mickey out of her boy."
Lee grinned and almost dropped the sofa. Floella drew her wand and steadied his unstable load.
"Woops!" Lee said as he settled everything back down again, "Maybe I should just move one thing out at a time eh?"
"Why are you moving my furniture out in the first place? Are you evicting me?" Floella blinked.
A door that she'd never seen in her living room before opened and Fred and George Weasley stepped through and looked very pleased with themselves.
"Ah, brilliant!" George grinned before turning to shake his brother's hand.
"Told you so," Fred said smugly before looking around the living room and then at Lee with some confusion, "Blimey Lee, haven't you cleared us a space yet?"
"I was but..." Lee nodded sideways towards his mother, who was now standing with her hands on her hips and waiting for an explanation.
"Mrs Jordan!" George said, exuding his best charming smile.
"Oh great," Fred blinked, "you're here! You can tell us where you want all your stuff moved to."
"I didn't want my stuff moved anywhere boys," she said as she put a hand to her face and wondered what on earth Lee needed an extra door for.
George looked at Lee and nodded for him to explain to his mother. Lee cleared his throat and Fred shoved him forwards with a 'she's your mother' smirk on his face.
"Well Fred and George have installed this door into the living room y'see?"
"And immediately it's our fault!" Fred groaned as he slumped against the wall with a sigh.
George chuckled and slapped Lee around the back of the head.
"They installed a door in the wall because it takes up less room than a vanishing cabinet y'see, I asked them to make it a door instead...thinking of you and your limited space mum." Lee smiled at his mother with hope.
Floella arched an eyebrow cautiously and took a step forward.
"What do you three boys want with a vanishing cabinet?"
"Well we don't want it for vanishing," George said immediately, "no losing of things or people forever, not at all, the vanishing side of things is gone."
"Vanished!" Fred said cheekily.
"I'm still not back in practice handling the two of them together," Lee shrugged to his mother, "give me a moment will you?"
He turned around and glared at the two of them. They both smirked and lowered their heads. Lee returned his attention to Floella and smiled again.
"What it is...The things is...It's like this..." Lee began struggling to explain their ingenious plan.
"We ripped off Malfoy's idea!" George said, head still bowed but face beaming with pride.
"For the good of sports fans all over the country mind you...not so we can break into places and murder people." Fred added, also looking at his feet and chortling.
"Well that's nice to know," Floella said with a fake sigh of relief, "so what is it for?"
"Well we take the other half, the vanishing cabinet, to different Quidditch Pitches all over the league." George explained as he lifted his head once again.
"And then Lee opens this door," Fred opened the new door in Floella's wall to illustrate his words, "and steps through and he comes out of the cabinet and is right there at the match, ready to commentate!"
"See I thought this way I spend less time travelling back and forth to games and if you need me you can step through and poke me in the ribs," Lee said to Floella, hoping she liked the big plan, "and when the cabinet's not at games it's at the twins' place so it'll be like having them as next door neighbours...right on the other side of this door!" Lee said brightly.
Floella's face dropped immediately.
"Or not!" Lee added in a panic.
"He didn't mean you'd be able to hear us banging around!" George explained.
"And by banging around George means creating stuff for the shop and not...you know? Not banging our girlfr-"
"Fred no!" Lee spun and clamped both his hands over his best friend's mouth while the other best friend snorted into the back of his hand.
"Okay, okay," Floella said as she dragged the three of them in turn to the sofa, haphazardly dumped in the middle of the room, and shoved them down onto it, "so Lee will be able to travel the country and visit you and have it bee like he's just in the next room. I get it...but why?"
The three of them all made to answer at the same time, then they all paused and waited for one of the others to continue, then the twins nudged Lee and he went ahead with apprehension.
"Well I kept spending all my time away from home, away from you, and I don't want to be...avoiding you. I want to be a doorway away while I'm working or time wasting with these two."
"Working?" Floella asked.
"Yeah," Fred smiled proudly, "we haven't really honed the audio omniocular commentary thing just yet."
"It just delivers the same 200 phrases according to what's happening on the pitch." George nodded.
"And that doesn't really suit Lee's style does it?" Fred said, scrunching up his nose.
"Because he likes to insult teams and players specifically during the match," George said with complete sincerity.
Lee sniggered but both twins were nodding and looking serious.
Floella folded her arms and tried not to laugh.
"So what have you come up with?" She asked them.
"Well what's going to happen," Lee said as he shuffled forward to perch on the edge of his seat, "is we're going to go to a load of league matches and let the oral Pensieve that George managed to create siphon off my speech patterns..."
"Turn of phrase," Fred, added, "bolshy attitude, offensive language and complete and total bias for one team over the other."
Lee rolled his eyes and Floella laughed before her son carried on.
"Yeah, all that," Lee conceded, "and then mix that up with the kind of magic used to get the essence of a person's personality into a portrait so it can talk to you in the same way the subject would do and somehow make like...a mini portrait of me that has an extendable ear thing so they can listen to my commentary on whatever match they take me too."
"Not you Lee," George added.
"Well no, not actually me but the little portrait me!" Lee said, confusing himself now.
"And as soon as we get it to work we can tinker with it and have a Jordan Cameo-"
"J-cam," Fred interrupted George with his little utterance.
"No, that's shit!" George hissed back before carrying on as if nothing had happened, " –that you can programme not to swear if it's for a little kid or that can learn the stats of your favourite team so a person who takes it to Wasp match after Wasp match will end up with a Cameo that is like a expert-"
"And a fan," Fred added.
"-and a fan of the Wasps."
"But it's gonna take about a year to get the prototype done so don't get excited," Lee said with a downbeat shrug.
Floella looked at her boy with swelling pride. He was doing something with himself. He was making plans. He was making plans that went way into the future. She was so happy for him.
"What d'you think?" Lee asked her, nervously.
"I think you'd better give your first ever Jordan Cameo to Ron." She grinned.
"Yeah!" Fred said, eyes wide with mischief, "But make it a Tornadoes loving one so it laughs at him whenever the Canons lose!"
George and Lee both clouted Fred about the back of the head and Floella shook her head and sighed.
"Come now Fred, would you really do that to your brother?" She said, knowingly.
"Yes!" All three of them nodded.
Ron was fidgeting like mad in his seat and Madam Boo was smiling patiently at him.
"So, are we gonna start then?" he asked her, fingers drumming against the arm of the chair.
"Whenever you're ready Ron," Boo nodded.
"So what are we talking about today?" Ron said, pulling in his chair and leaning over the desk to look across it at her.
"Whatever you want to talk about." Boo said as she moved aside all the papers, quills and books so she could lean on her side of the desk too.
"Well I didn't know if you had a plan or anything," Ron said as he played with his thumbs, "you usually get me started so I was waiting."
"I get the feeling you know exactly where to begin today's session Ron," Boo said, thoughtfully.
Ron bit his lip and sat up again, then swept some imaginary dust off the spot he'd been hunched over and leaned forward again.
"Well I have something I was gonna talk to you about but I thought we could ease into it after all the usual stuff." He shrugged.
"Oh," Madam Boo said in a business-like fashion, "very well then, let's go through the motions if that makes you more comfortable."
She moved everything back in it's place and then sat back in her chair, crossed her legs and began to stroke her chin thoughtfully.
"How's your stutter today?"
"Hardly there, it's much better thanks!" Ron nodded happily.
"And have you had any more trouble with fuzzy nightmares?"
"Not so bad, not now I do the patronus thing." Ron smiled.
"Any more thoughts about the Death Eater's request?"
"Well no, I was kinda focused on trying to..." Ron began with a thoughtful sigh before pausing, narrowing his eyes, and staring at the woman in impressed annoyance, "Oh you're good!"
"Thank you," Madam Boo beamed and moved all of her things aside once more and leaned over the desk as before, "so you've been focused on what?"
Ron exhaled wearily and propped his head up with one arm.
"I've been trying to have sex with my girlfriend." He groaned.
"Has she been pressuring you for a physical relationship?" Boo asked with concern.
"No," Ron shook his head, "not at all, you have no idea how patient this woman can be when it comes to me."
Boo smiled and raised her eyebrows to encourage him to continue.
"The thing is," Ron said as he pulled his chair right up to the desk and leaned over so they were practically head to head, "I've been really wanting to get more physical with her for a while."
"How so?"
"Well I've been thinking about it a lot," Ron said with widening eyes to emphasise his point, "and when I'm alone I think about being with her and I...well," Ron pointed down into his lap, "and I can do that but..."
"You have no trouble with sexual stimulus when you're alone?" Boo clarified.
"I get stiffy when no-one's around," Ron said, simplifying even further.
Boo cleared her throat and gave another small nod of encouragement.
"Carry on."
"So I thought that we could try to, y'know? I wanted to share my stimulus with her because it's because of her and I love her and she's gorgeous and we've waited...we've waited so long." Ron's shoulders fell and he looked down at the desk, "I just want to be with her."
"Have you spoken to her about your needs?"
Ron snorted and looked up again, sheepishly.
"I tried to dry hump her leg," he said as he rolled his eyes, "that kind of opened the way for a conversation about it, yeah!"
Madam Boo struggled not to laugh. Ron smirked at her effort and eventually they both chuckled softly.
"So this dry humping, how did that come about?"
"I was alone and I was hard and then she came in and as soon as she touched me...it was gone. It was like she de-sexitised me. Is that a word?"
"No," Boo said, "but it should be."
Ron relaxed a little more and let out a long deep breath before going on.
"So we've been working on it, baby steps and all that? First we saw to ourselves in front of each other and that went alright. I could get hard in front of her."
"You both masturbated in front of each other?" Madam Boo clarified.
"If you wanna get clinical about it, yeah." Ron shrugged.
"Did you enjoy it?"
"Of course I did!" Ron blurted, "Who hates wanking?"
Madam Boo grinned at him and was about to tell him to carry on but he nodded and continued speaking.
"So we tried touching and I couldn't get it up. We've kissed a lot and I've...well I gave Hermione some satisfaction at least. That was great." He smiled and started off into the distance momentarily.
"So there are no problems with you touching her and gratifying her?" Boo asked.
"No it's easy to make her feel good; it's...it's just right." Ron said thoughtfully, "touching her is safe and comforting. It just feels perfectly natural y'know?"
Boo nodded.
"Have you both attempted to stimulate you in the same way?"
Ron sighed and nodded.
"We were really affectionate on my bed last night and I tried for ages and nothing happened. I feel like I've bee neutered."
"I hope not literally Ron?"
Ron smirked before groaning and rubbing his face roughly and then staring across at her with wide blue eyes.
"What if I can't ever get aroused by her touching me? By anyone but myself touching me?"
Madam Boo sat and thought for a while before sitting back in her chair and considering him from afar.
"When you masturbate, do you really focus on the job in hand...if you pardon the pun, and try to do it?"
Ron sniggered before sitting back in his seat and shaking his head.
"Wanking just happens."
"And when you were watching each other 'wanking', were you utterly focused and trying your best then?"
Ron cast his eyes upwards and crinkled his forehead.
"Not that I remember."
"And yet when you were in bed with your girlfriend you were trying very much to become aroused."
"So you're saying don't try? I'm sorry Madam Boo but that's bollocks." Ron grumbled, "I wasn't trying before, when she slept in my bed with me, and nothing happened then."
"Were you ready for intercourse then?"
"Stop talking like that," Ron grimaced, "you make it sound like school!"
She smiled at him and he shuffled in his seat before smirking at her and thinking about what she'd said.
"Well no, sex was the last thing I wanted back then," Ron admitted, "I just wanted her to be with me, hold me as if there was nothing wrong with us and we were normal."
"Can I ask, since you have been sexually active again, have you and Hermione simply slept together like you used to?"
"Well we fell asleep after I couldn't do it last night if that's what you mean."
"That's not what I mean Ron," Boo said as she tilted her head to one side, "I meant have you and your girlfriend planned to do nothing but sleep in each others arms since you first started trying to have sex again?"
"No." Ron said with a blink of comprehension.
"Well maybe you should have the night off and just enjoy each other's comfort and warmth again. Don't try anything tonight and see how you feel in the morning."
Ron broke into a huge grin.
"What?" Madam Boo asked, visibly replaying her last statement back to herself in her head.
"It's just that I get to go home and tell my mum that my Healer's requested I sleep with my girlfriend tonight. She's not gonna like that at all!"
As it turned out Ron didn't have to deal with telling his mother about Hermione staying over for the sake of his sexual growth. Charlie was leaving for Estonia and there was a huge party at the Burrow.
Harry and Ginny were being as couple-y as they could be and Luna was bewildering Fleur in the corner of the room. The twins were raving to Neville about the Jordan Cameo while trying to recruit him to grow supplies for their organic range. Bill and Percy were trying for forcibly restrain their mother from continually getting up to get people more to eat and drink.
Soon enough Arthur was waving Floella, Julie and Marie over to occupy his wife and give his sons a break. Charlie was laughing at something Seamus was ranting about and Tommy and Fergus were having an animated discussion about Tommy's new job at Hogwarts. Fergus was telling Tommy he knew a man who knew a man who knew a squib who was married to one of the Blott family and they could maybe work on a special deal on school books.
Lee and Ron were having a breather outside, sitting on the garden wall, when Hermione came out to give Ron a pumpkin juice, run her fingers through his hair and kiss the top of his head before going back inside to talk to Remus and Tonks.
Lee was staring at Ron as he watched Hermione going back inside.
"It's so good to see you like that," he said as Ron turned back to face him and frowned, "something about you flinching just isn't right."
Ron gave an embarrassed shrug and kicked at the dirt with his tatty trainer.
"There's still something of a flinch, don't worry about that."
Lee looked concerned and put his hand on Ron's shoulder.
"What's up?"
Ron laughed and looked up at the wispy white clouds above them.
"Don't pull that face; it's just the last of my crap fading away that's all. I'm okay."
Lee gave Ron a pat on the back and settled back down again.
"Look I'm not going to stalk you again alright?" Lee smiled sheepishly, "You can still tell me things and I won't obsess over being the one to help you."
"Well I'm getting some decent help from that Healer Percy hooked me up with," Ron said, rubbing the end of his nose as if it was being tickled, "She's not what I thought she'd be. She doesn't want to make you cry in front of her and she doesn't tell you what you're feeling. She's pretty funny actually."
"Yeah?" Lee smiled, "Cool. I'm glad you have somebody on the outside who won't overreact to whatever you tell them. It's taken me long enough not to run away from spending time with my own mother to know how much a loved one's concern can make you close off."
"When did you start talking like that?" Ron asked, slightly shocked.
"Like what?" Lee blinked.
"Like you're all sensitive and intellectual," Ron said before placing his hand on Lee's forehead, "are you feeling alright?"
Lee knocked Ron's hand away and laughed with an indignant huff.
"Oh sod off you sarky git! I'm deep, I can emote...I read that pamphlet the Healer gave us when we checked out of St Mungo's."
"You did?" Ron gaped.
"I skimmed over the front cover!" Lee grinned.
Ron laughed and elbowed him in the ribs.
"See that's more like you. You sound more like Fred and George now."
"Oh yeah?" Lee smirked, "Does that mean I get to tease you and rile you up and make your ears go bright red?"
Lee began poking Ron in the ribs, ruffling his hair and playfully shoving him off the garden wall.
"Sod off ya insufferable prat!" Ron growled as he grabbed one of Lee's legs and pulled him off the wall and howled with laughter as his dropped onto the soft grass on his bottom with a deep thud.
"You might be bigger but I'm still older!" Lee warned as he flung himself at Ron's legs and tackled him to the ground.
"It doesn't work for Fred, George, Percy and Charlie so it ain't working for you brother!" Ron said as he wrestled with Lee on the grass, gnomes running for cover and shaking their tiny fists at them.
Lee tickled Ron under the armpit and Ron made a sound like a five year old girl being given a piggyback ride. Lee immediately withdrew his hand and began exclaiming his disgust about sweaty armpits while wiping his hand on the grass. Ron was still flailing around like an upside down crab until he realised he wasn't being tickled any more and jumped to his feet panting and ready to put Lee in a headlock when he made his next move.
"You are gross Weasley!" Lee said as he got up and sniffed his fingers, "Ever hear of showering?"
"Ever hear of picking on somebody you're own size?" Ron grinned, "Oh wait, Dobby's not here!"
"You git!" Lee gasped and was just about to charge at Ron when Fred's voice called out to him.
"The feet Lee! If you want to tickle him you've got to go for the feet."
"And possibly a gas mask!" George added with a chuckle.
"No, no, no, three against one," Ron backed off further into the field, "that's not fair."
"Three shortarses against one lanky git sounds fair enough to me." Fred smirked.
"Three half men make one and a half so that means I'm entitled to another half a man," Ron said holding up his arms before him warningly before shouting back to the Burrow, "Charlie...help!"
Charlie was watching from the window with Bill and looked indignant.
"Help? You just called me half a man!"
Bill was crying with laughter couldn't offer to take Charlie's place. Percy emerged from the back door and rolled up his sleeves. Ron looked stunned for a moment before his eyes lit up and he looked back at the twins.
"No way, not Percy!" Fred was saying adamantly, "He's a biter!"
"He's my biter," Ron said proudly before slapping Percy on the back as he joined his side, "nice one Perce."
"Hold on, this is still three against two," Harry said as he removed his jumper and jogged over to Ron and Percy in his t-shirt and jeans, "There, that's fair."
"But now you're two whole men against one and a half men." Explained Ginny.
"I'm not that bloody short!" Lee exclaimed.
Ginny stepped up beside him and patted him on top of the head.
"Of course you're not Lee, now you hide behind me and I'll handle that big scary Harry Potter for you."
Hermione flung back her head with laughter while Molly worried that things would get out of hand.
"They have two and a half now, yer a half behind!" Fergus pointed out, "I'll join Ron's side and we're evens then."
"Stop all this half size person stuff, they have one more person and that's cheating!" Fred huffed, "Seamus, come here!"
"Seamus Finnigan I know everywhere yer ticklish so you'd better not!" Fergus warned.
Seamus stepped up beside George and smirked.
"An' I know of a certain spot behind yer knees that renders you a flailing mess of girlishness!" he cackled at his cousin.
Soon the two sides were facing each other. Lee's team had more people but Ron's team were bigger. Molly was now in the middle with a pot and a large spoon, ready to bang tem together and start the tickle war.
"Keep it clean and when somebody says the word 'Fainites' you are to stop tickling and then the surrenderer...surrenderee...the person who surrendered is to come and sit on the wall with me until the last member of a team gives up."
Everybody nodded their agreement and she banged the spoon against the pot.