Remus Lupin and Tonks came to see Minerva in Hogwarts only three hours later. They tried to convince her to join the Order again, claiming that they needed her desperately. Tonks told Minerva that Hermione Granger had started a furious discussion with the other members of the Order right after Minerva had left – apparently she did not quite believe Minerva's version of events, but also found it quite hard to even consider the possibility that her favourite teacher could ever be wrong about anything.
Minerva almost smiled. It felt good to know that Hermione at least did think about the matter. Maybe she would in time come to understand that Snape could not possibly be a Death Eater. But Minerva remained firm concerning her decision to leave the Order. She had made up her mind and did not want the others to think of her as a burden.
The next morning, Arthur and Molly Weasley sent an owl carrying both a personal letter to Minerva from Molly and a report of everything the Order had decided on the previous night after Minerva's departure. Minerva found it quite touching to receive both. She knew that they all simply worried about her. Molly also wrote that Harry, Ron and Hermione had set of in search of the Horcruxes again. Apparently Ginny was very disappointed that the trio had not let her join them, but Molly of course was much relieved about this rejection.
Other than that, Sunday was a rather quiet day. Minerva buried herself in school-work all morning and sent another letter to the Ministry, after all the new term was due to start in a week and a day and she still did not have the official confirmation that she would be allowed to re-open Hogwarts.
Minerva spent the rest of the day alone, avoiding Poppy Pomfrey at lunch. The fact that Poppy was one of the few persons who had know of her relationship to Albus Dumbledore made her an accomplice who knew exactly why Minerva mourned, but there was one thing that Minerva could not discuss; not even with Poppy. She took a long walk in the Hogwarts grounds and tried to sort her thoughts and feelings out.
Minerva still was absolutely convinced that Snape and Dumbledore must have planned for things to go that way. They might not have expected a Death Eater raid on Hogwarts, but it was plain to Minerva that they had anticipated a situation in which either Draco Malfoy or Snape would have to kill Dumbledore. For a long time, Minerva walked along the edge of the Forbidden Forest, wondering when they had developed this plan, and when they had decided to go through with it.
What bothered Minerva about this whole scheme was that she had not known of it. Why had they not told her? At first, she had grieved too much to pay any attention to that detail, but now, she grew increasingly irritated with the fact that Dumbledore had kept his plan secret.
Minerva's feet had carried her to Albus's grave without herself noticing. Tired and worn out she sat down on the small marble step around his sarcophagus, still wondering why the man she had loved so much had not told her of the arrangements concerning the end of his life. Surprised and ashamed, Minerva found that she had added another feeling to her mourning – anger. She was angry with Albus for not having told her. She had been as good as his wife; she would have had the right to know.
She stayed at the grave for long hours, just as she had done on so many nights since his death. It was a sad and depressing place, but Minerva was desperate for anything that might bring her closer to Albus Dumbledore again. Sometimes when she had sat by his grave for hours, she had had the feeling that she was not all alone. Maybe this night it would be the same, and maybe she would overcome her anger if she sat long enough by the white tomb. She could not speak of this anger to anybody, not even to Poppy. No one was to know that Minerva did not only mourn for Albus Dumbledore, but that she had also started questioning his decisions.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Early in the next morning, Minerva sat in her office drinking her usual black tea. During the holidays, Minerva frequently skipped breakfast and just drank the tea a faithful house-elf always placed on her bedside table. This morning, she had taken the steaming cup into her office with her and sat at her desk, buried in reading the Daily Prophet.
"Minerva, are you there?"
Poppy Pomfrey had opened the door just a crack.
"Certainly, come in."
Minerva got up and fetched another cup from her living room. She poured out some tea for her friend and motioned for her to sit down. Poppy did not look too happy.
"What is it, Poppy?"
The school nurse frowned. "I just received a letter from my cousin," she replied.
"Judging by the look on your face, no good news."
"No, it's bad news indeed. It's my aunt Camilla – she's been attacked by a werewolf."
"Goodness, no…" Minerva moved around her desk and stood next to her friend. She placed her hand on Poppy's shoulder and squeezed it gently.
"It's alright – " Poppy smiled distractedly. "Really, Minerva, I know it's a sad thing to say, but I hardly knew Aunt Camilla. She was my mother's half-sister and I haven't seen her since my Mum's death 34 years ago."
"How old is she?"
"Aunt Camilla? 148, I think. And she's injured badly. She may have survived the initial attack, but she is old and weak. I think I should go see her."
"Of course, you have to go. You might even be able to help her, after all, you have experience with werewolf bites."
"Yes, I have already owled my cousin that I'll be there tonight. But Minerva, I do feel bad about leaving you here."
"Leaving me? Nonsense, why would you feel bad about that? This is a family matter, you have to go and see your aunt. Especially if you haven't seen her in such a long time."
Poppy shook Minerva's hand off and looked her directly in the eyes.
"I think you know exactly why I don't like to leave you on your own right now. You have no company here. Even Pomona has left her precious green-houses this summer and went home, and Argus and Irma are not due to return from their 'secret' trip together for a couple of days."
Minerva rolled her eyes and went back to her own chair.
"Poppy, I'm fine. I just needed some time to get over Albus's death. But I have all that school work to keep myself busy, and Hagrid is here – I won't be alone. And we're talking about a couple of days only. Most of the staff will have returned by the week-end, after all the term starts in a week."
"You are not fine. Minerva, have you looked into a mirror lately? You hardly sleep or eat, and despite the fact that I keep trying to talk to you there is something on your mind that bothers you quite a bit."
"I do sleep, just not very well. And you watch me eat every day."
"No, I watch you not eat every day. Pushing food around on your plate is not eating; it's just playing with your fork. And you hardly sleep at all, instead I see you going to Albus's grave almost every night."
Minerva was silent for a moment.
"You know that?" she then asked in a much smaller voice.
"Of course I do," Poppy replied kindly. "You are my friend, Minerva. And he was my friend. I know about your past. I miss him so much that I visit his grave frequently, but you – dear, you haunt this tomb. This is not healthy for you."
Minerva sighed. "I just miss him so much, Poppy," she whispered. "I miss him so much, and there are so many things I'd like to ask him. I would so like to talk to him one last time…"
She broke off and bit her lip while squeezing her eyes shut. When she opened them again, Poppy was standing next to her. She handed her a handkerchief.
"Does this have anything to do with Severus?" she asked quietly.
"What makes you think of that?"
Poppy smiled sadly.
"You know, I sometimes wonder if there is something to your theory. It's so hard to accept that we all were mistaken when we trusted Severus… but your speculations do not give the answers to everything, do they? In fact, they create more questions. Like why you were not told of this plan?"
Before Minerva could think of an appropriate answer a sudden sound startled both witches.
A small owl had appeared outside the window, fluttering excitedly and pecking the glass with its beak. Poppy pulled herself together and went to open the window. The grey bird flew in, seated itself on Minerva's desk and stretched its right leg out towards the school nurse. She carefully took the message attached to it and unrolled it.
"It's from my cousin," she said after reading it quickly. "She's come to Hogsmeade to pick me up and help with my luggage."
"You need to go."
Reluctantly, Poppy nodded.
"I'll be back as soon as possible. When the term starts, at the latest."
"No, you won't. You'll stay with your family for as long as possible. We can manage without a school nurse for a while, Horace and I know enough about first aid to cover an emergency."
"Minerva – " Poppy looked at her friend with a fierce expression. "Minerva, when was the last time you went to see a healer?"
"Last year, in St Mungo's," Minerva replied, surprised with the sudden change of the subject. "With you here, why should I go and see another healer?"
"Right," Poppy said. "So as your personal healer, I'll give you some orders now, and you will follow them. Otherwise I will not go to see my family."
Minerva raised both eyebrows. She knew when not to argue with Poppy.
"You will eat at least twice every day. Before I leave, I will ask Hagrid to have lunch and dinner with you, and he will tell me if you skip meals.
Go to Hogsmeade at least twice this week, I want you to go out and meet other people.
And Minerva, while I would never ask you not to go and visit Albus, please do try not to spend the nights at his grave. This is not good for you."
"Alright..."
Minerva was not happy with the way Poppy ordered her about, but she knew that her friend was seriously concerned.
"You promise?"
"I promise I will eat, I will go out, and I will try not to spend the nights – there."
Minerva bit her lip, wondering if she dared to tell Poppy how she felt when she spent time at Albus's grave.
Poppy had first nodded, clearly pleased with Minerva's compliance, but now she watched Minerva quizzically. She knew that distracted look on her friend's face.
"What is it you're not telling me?"
Minerva drew in a deep breath, still wondering if she should worry Poppy doubly. When she looked up, she knew that she had no choice any more. Poppy knew her better than most people did, she expected an answer.
"What you said about going to Albus's grave, about this not being good for me… maybe you're right."
"I know I am, but why do you think so all of a sudden?"
"Well, when I go there, you know – I just don't feel alone any more, do you understand what I mean? It's as though he is there."
Poppy nodded sympathetically, but her eyes told Minerva that she knew Minerva had not yet told her the whole story.
"And a couple of nights ago, when I was there, I heard something… well, I thought I heard it. It was like…"
Minerva broke off again, but then she decided to go through with it.
"I thought I heard footsteps on the grass. And I clearly felt the presence of another person."
Poppy looked at her with a serious expression.
"Was this the first time this happened?"
"Yes.. no. It's hard to explain. That feeling that there was somebody with me, I've had that before – during the wake for Albus. And then a few times when I went to his grave, I thought I felt it again, and sometimes I heard a faint sound – like breathing, or a cloak swishing on the ground, or steps. It comes and goes. Sometimes it is as though I only imagine him to be there, and a few times it felt like – well, as though he was really there. Only I could not see him."
Minerva was glad she was still sitting in her chair, she felt strangely faint all of a sudden. Poppy looked down on her with very kind eyes – too kind for Minerva's liking.
"Poppy, are they right?" she asked, her voice now shaking. "Have I lost my mind?"
"No, dear, you are not mad," Poppy said quietly. "You are under severe pressure, and you are on the verge of breaking down because you don't take care of yourself. You are in mourning, don't forget that – you imagine that what you have lost to still be there. It's a compensating mechanism of our mind."
"So these are – hallucinations? Tricks my mind is playing on me?"
"I'd think so. Muggles interpret this as ghosts quite often, but we would recognise a ghost – and I don't think Albus would have chosen to come back."
"No, I don't think so either. He did not fear death."
"Exactly. Dear, 'hallucinations' is a horrifying word, but it simply is a common experience. When we grieve, we often imagine things to be different. It's part of the healing process, and you will get over it."
Poppy actually reached out and stroked her friend's cheek. Minerva looked up in surprise.
"You are not mad, Minerva," Poppy said reassuringly. "You are confused, but you are not out of your mind."
Minerva nodded, still feeling very exhausted.
"I'll go and do my packing, then I'll come and see you again."
Poppy straightened up and made to leave the room.
"And I do expect you to write to me daily. I want to know how my best friend feels," she stated before going through the door.
Minerva remained sitting in her chair. She took another sip of her now-cold tea.
'Just hallucinations,' she thought. 'Not mad. Not yet…'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Poppy Pomfrey left Hogwarts three hours later, and very reluctantly. Minerva found the way her friend worried about her deeply touching, but she was, in a way, glad to see her go anyway. She felt that she had given too much away by telling Poppy of those hallucinations she experienced. It was bad enough that everyone else thought her mad with grief, she did not want to admit that by now there were moments when she herself doubted her sanity.
The first three days, Minerva stuck to her promise. She went to lunch and dinner regularly, in fact, she almost enjoyed those quiet meals with Hagrid – partly because Hagrid did see to it that she ate a little, but did not dare to tell her to eat more. During their dinner on Wednesday evening, he gruffly mumbled something that sounded like an apology for letting her go when she had left the Order of the Phoenix. Hagrid obviously needed to pluck up all his courage to touch the subject, but he tried to comfort Minerva.
"I reckon we can jus' never know what was up with Snape tha' night, an' he must be evil after what he has done to Dumbledore. On'y, Headmistress, I jus' cannot imagine yeh would lose yer mind. I am not stupid but this is too complicated fer me to sort out."
Minerva's mood was much improved after that statement, at least Hagrid seemed undecided if she was barking mad or just confused. That evening, she almost felt good when she wrote her daily letter to Poppy.
Poppy had found her aunt in a better condition than she had expected, and had asked Minerva to owl her some of the school's medical supplies. Other than that, their letters were but short hellos to each other – Minerva finished again with the simple words 'Did not go there any more. Am doing fine.'
On Thursday, Minerva had just returned from dinner and settled down at her desk in her office when she heard the familiar tapping of an owl against her window. She waved her wand and opened the window for the huge bird. It was one of the strong, brown owls that were usually used for express deliveries.
Minerva took the letter from the beautiful bird and gave the animal one of the owl treats she always kept in her left drawer. The bird hooted softly and took off again. A gust of cold wind came in through the open window.
The rolled-up parchment bore the ministry crest on the wax seal. Anticipating another annoying note from Rufus Scrimgeour, Minerva broke the seal with an exasperated sigh and unrolled the letter. Quickly she scanned the message, then she took in a sharp breath and started reading it again. She had not expected this.
Dear Professor McGonagall,
It is my sad duty to inform you that the Heads of the Department of Magical Education along with the Board of School Governors have decided that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry will remain closed for a yet undecided amount of time.
This decision is partly based on the information you yourself have provided to Ministry officials and the Auror Department.
As you have informed us that the former Hogwarts Professor Severus Snape is in truth working for Him Who Must Not Be Named, it is not safe for any students to enter the Hogwarts grounds. Also, the grave of Professor Albus Dumbledore may attract the attention of other Death Eaters. Taking all of this into account, we cannot risk opening Hogwarts School for the public again. The situation may be re-evaluated in the event of the arrest of Mr Snape.
However, you have now been confirmed as the official Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You as well as the rest of the Hogwarts staff will continue to receive full payment. You are free to appoint a new Deputy Headmaster/Headmistress of your choice; however, we do ask you not to hire a new teacher for the subjects of Transfiguration and Defence Against the Dark Arts yet. Also we do ask you to set up a teaching schedule that the wizard families of Britain and Ireland can use to home-school their children while the school building remains closed.
Professor McGonagall, on a more personal note let me add that I am aware that closing Hogwarts will be a grave disappointment for you. We have discussed the matter thoroughly and you have convinced quite a few of the School Governors to keep the school open, however, they were more votes in favour of closing the school. Personally I believe it to be the better solution. You yourself have always stressed the seriousness of the danger coming from You-Know-Who's Death Eaters and Professor Dumbledore's death has tragically proven that you were right. Opening Hogwarts for students is too dangerous now. You could not keep the children safe while Severus Snape, who knows the school grounds too well, is still at large.
Sincerely,
Rufus Scrimgeour
Minister for Magic
Slowly, Minerva let the go of the parchment and it fell on the floor. She felt as if someone had kicked her in the stomach.
She had anticipated the Ministry to be fussy about re-opening Hogwarts, but she had never expected them to close Hogwarts altogether – not with all the extra security she had added. It was rather ironic that while Scrimgeour had never before much listened to her warnings about Voldemort, he would now all of a sudden heed her advice and start acting carefully – thereby taking from her the only thing that kept her going.
Minerva got up and looked out of the window. Outside, it was growing darker. Only few lights of the castle shone in the dusk, and the atmosphere was strangely subdued. She leaned out of the window and surveyed the castle grounds around her. A life without teaching at Hogwarts… that was hard to imagine. She had taught for about forty years now. Although she still had her old family estate in the hills close to Edinburgh she considered Hogwarts her home. Hogwarts was where she had lived with Albus Dumbledore. Hogwarts was where he was buried.
Minerva's eyes searched grounds half-hidden in the twilight. Albus's white tomb shone out in the dusk, as though it was a white beacon calling her. Minerva bit her lip in an effort not to sob. She put on a light cloak and went outside. After all, was it so bad to go and visit the place where your love lay buried? She had to talk to someone now, even if that someone could not answer any more.
There by the grave, she hesitated to sit down on the marble step the way she usually did. Minerva ran over the cold stone of the sarcophagus with her fingertips. Not for the first time she thought that the marble was of just the same tone of white as Albus's hair and beard had been, but how different it felt to her touch. The white hardness of the stone always confirmed yet again that Albus truly was dead.
Minerva paced up and down beside the grave. The frustration and sadness she had initially felt after reading Scrimgeour's letter began to turn into anger and irritation. How could the man dare to take the school from her? Hogwarts was Albus's and her lifetime achievement, their first and foremost reason for work. Fighting the dark side had always been a task, a responsibility that came with their great power – but teaching younger wizards had been their passion.
They had been married to the school rather than to each other. Now that Albus was gone, Minerva felt it as her duty to carry on with their mission. It was the last thing she could do for Albus, especially after leaving the Order of the Phoenix. No one was allowed to take Hogwarts from her – and yet Minerva knew that she had no chance to protest. The decision was final. She herself had unwillingly convinced the School Governors that Hogwarts was a too dangerous place for Britain's wizard progeny.
Minerva stood still and stared at the white tomb. She wanted to take her anger out on someone, but there was no one there, and no one she could have talked to. Hagrid was an old friend, but if Minerva told him that Hogwarts would close she knew that she would have to support him rather than hoping he would comfort her. Poppy was away, and the only other two persons Minerva might have talked to about her feelings were gone, too. Albus was dead, and Severus had fled.
"How could you have left me," Minerva hissed at the grave. "You knew I how much I need you. Damn you for leaving me alone…"
Her voice broke, but this time it was not mourning that made her cry. The tears streaming down her face were tears of anger.
Triggered by her irritation with Scrimgeour, all of a sudden the anger she had begun to feel towards Albus Dumbledore had grown into a white-hot fury. She wanted to kick the sarcophagus, to pound it with her fists, to blow it into tiny little bits with a wave of her wand. Minerva needed every last bit of self-control just to stand still and refrain from destroying her lover's tomb.
Albus had left her alone. She knew that he had died according to his own wishes, yet he had not bothered to tell her of his plans. She had loved him, but he had not even left a letter or a will – nothing that would explain his final decision. Now he was gone, and Minerva's world had shattered around her.
She had lost Albus, her love.
She had lost Severus, once her friend, and one of the few who fought Voldemort with equal passion. He understood her, even if he did not know her personal reasons.
She had lost the trust and understanding of her other friends and acquaintances – even Poppy and Hagrid were not quite on her side.
And now she had also lost the last thing that kept her going, her school.
Minerva had lost everything, and it all had happened only because Albus Dumbledore had prepared his death without caring to inform her of his intentions. Minerva wiped her tears away with her sleeve. She clenched her teeth and fixed her furious gaze on the cold marble again.
"Albus Dumbledore," she whispered wrathfully. "I have never been so furious with you, never in my lifetime. You owe me an explanation. You left me alone when you knew I would need you…"
She went closer to the tomb again, almost as if she expected to find an answer there. Finally she touched the white stone once more, this time leaning on it for support. The cold immobile marble would not give her any answers, no matter how hard she kicked it. She would never learn why he had chosen to die, and why he had chosen not to tell her.
Loathing Severus was easy. She knew that she would hate him eternally for what he had done, so blaming him for one more thing was no big deal. After all, he could also have told her of the arrangements for Dumbledore's death.
But being angry with Albus felt wrong. She was furious with him – furious, irritated, confused, and disappointed. Minerva knew that she had the right to feel that way, yet she now almost felt sorry for having spoken her mind only a minute ago.
"Why?" she asked the stone tomb again. "Why Albus, why?"
Her voice grew weaker with each syllable. Deeply confused, she sank down and finally sat on her usual place on the marble step.
Minerva sat with her elbows resting on her knees. She buried her head in her arms and started crying again. She herself did not know if these were tears of anger or of sadness. She only knew that she felt desperately alone.
Her cloak slipped off her shoulders and she felt the chilly night air, but she did not care any more. She felt cold and sick because she had not slept properly in weeks. Slowly, her weakness began to take its toll and she cried herself into a light slumber. Her head was light as if she had been drinking, and there was a bitter taste in her mouth. Maybe it was all the anger and the sadness she had swallowed down in the past weeks.
Minerva was awake enough to realise that she began dreaming, but she was too numb to wake up from her somnolent state. The reality around her and her dreamy visions started interweaving. She felt the cool wind and heard the leaves rustling in the trees. The hard stone she sat on was both uncomfortable and supportive. Somehow, she did not feel all that alone any more. Someone or something was approaching her.
This was Albus's grave. She could feel his presence. If there was any place where she would maybe find her answers, it was here. Almost she could hear Albus's gentle voice talking to her. She imagined his caressing touch, a reassuring hand on her shoulder. His presence was consoling. She knew that it was nothing but a delusion, but wanted to cherish the comfort of his warm hand anyway. Dreamily she smiled and relaxed under his touch.
Suddenly, Minerva awoke with a start. Something was wrong. This dreamy presence had felt too real. She had clearly felt the presence of another person, but when she frantically looked around, there was no one there.
"Lumos!"
The light from her wand did not help. All she saw were ghostly shadows in the shrubs nearby, but she could not make out any living being. Minerva tried to control her breathing and forced herself to calm down. This was an eerie place, after all. No wonder her imagination ran away with her.
She pulled her cloak tighter around herself, and that was when she realised that she had not been dreaming. When she had dozed off, her cloak had slipped down her back and she had not bothered to pull it back up. Now it was wrapped around her shoulders again. The gentle hand she had felt had been real.
Minerva jumped from her seat and pointed the light from her wand in every direction, but she did not find anything unusual. Her heart beat so hard that she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. After taking one last look around, she turned her back to the scene and walked back to the castle, forcing herself not to break into a run. Once she thought that she heard footsteps behind her, but when she stopped, she could not hear them any more.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Minerva was a brave witch. She went back to Albus Dumbledore's grave immediately the next morning. She searched the area twice, once in human shape and once in cat shape. There were some scattered footprints of several people, but it had not rained in weeks and she could not tell how old they were – they might be from Argus Filch or even Poppy Pomfrey, who had big feet and often wore men's boots. Other than that, she found nothing unusual.
Minerva then forced herself to go and tell Hagrid that Hogwarts would not re-open. As she had expected, she had to comfort Hagrid after telling him that the school would close for an uncertain amount of time. But Minerva assured Hagrid that he could go on living at Hogwarts, and that she would come to visit him even though she now thought about moving to her home estate for a while.
After that, she wrote her daily letter to Poppy, mentioning matter-of-factly that Hogwarts would close, and that she had visited the grave once but did fell alright nevertheless. Hopefully Poppy would believe her lies. For the rest of the day, Minerva tried to work on the requested teaching plan for home-schooling parents, but for once, her teacher discipline and strictness failed her. She could not concentrate on her task, and her thoughts kept going back to the events of the previous night.
Minerva skipped dinner – Hagrid was to unhappy to notice anyway – and paced up and down in her office. She felt overly excited and could not even settle down to write a letter to the other staff members. When it grew dark outside, she decided to give up pretending this was a normal day. She knew that she had to return to the white tomb.
It was a quiet late-summer night, pleasant but surprisingly chilly. Minerva's cloak was too light, but she did not want to go back to the castle any more. Once she had walked out of the front doors, a cat-like sense of foreboding had told her that something important was going to happen. Minerva grew calmer. She felt that she was doing the right thing.
There were no clouds in the sky and Minerva stopped by the lake and looked at the stars for a long time. She was not in a hurry any more. The moon was not quite full, but it shone silvery nevertheless and the pale light was reflected in the dark waters of the lake. The scenery was stunningly beautiful.
Minerva finally marched on to the white tomb waiting for her. She felt sad, but surprisingly strong. At the grave, she sat down again and placed her wand next to her on the stone step. She leaned back against the marble and shuddered a little. Slowly, she closed her eyes and allowed her thoughts to wander. Almost as if in a trance, she tried to concentrate on Albus Dumbledore. Maybe she would find her answers that way.
Suddenly, she heard something. Minerva did not dare to move or open her eyes. The sound died away, but when she did not react it started again after a few minutes. She definitely heard a man's careful footsteps on the soft ground, and a cloak brushing lightly over the grass. Minerva allowed herself a tiny sad smile.
She knew this man's gait so well that she would have recognised the sound anywhere. Finally, she knew who haunted Albus Dumbledore's grave.