A/N: Hello, everyone! First off, I cannot begin to even describe how happy I am that I've gotten 33 reviews in 3 chapters. That's 11 a chapter (wow, I have such amazing math skills). If I could keep that up… whoa. I seriously might pass out from deliriously happy shock. I love you all, mes critiques! Mon amour à vous tout! (sorry, I guess I just really miss French class…)

Also, sorry for the lack of updates. I kind of needed a break from Harry Potter… as of five minutes ago, thrice it is now that I've caught myself in the nick of time using the British phase bloody. Which means I'll have to work it into this chapter. Bwahahaha!

Disclaimer: Last night, J.K. Rowling called me. We talked for a while, she answered every question I had about Harry Potter, then proceeded to tell me for a straight three hours the entire plot of Harry Potter Seven. Oh yeah, and then she gave me the rights to HP.

Then I woke up.

Oh, and I also don't own Peter Francis Geraci. That name will not sound familiar to anyone except my fellow Chicagoans/suburbanites of Chicago. FYI, he has a commercial where his head appears next to something about Chapter Thirteen legal rights, and drones on in a monotonous voice about how he can get you out of debt.

The Death Eaters Film A TV Commercial

Voldemort sat in silence, watching his new television (this time he had had the wisdom to send Rabastan out to get it instead of Wormtail). He had never ever seen something like this before. TiVo had made sure of that. But this horror… he had prayed that he would never have to see it. He had heard of them. But it was terrible.

He was watching a commercial.

A man in his sixties (or rather, his head) had appeared on a red background, next to white words, something about Chapter Thirteen. The man (the screen said his name was Peter Francis Geraci) began to speak, his voice never changing tone, about how American's Chapter Thirteen legal rights could help get you out of debt. "With thirty years experience, we're the law firm you trust," he finished.

And then, a smile crept onto his face. Yes… yes… of course… why hadn't he thought of it before? Well, he knew why… but still.

He touched the Dark Mark, and almost instantly every Death Eater was in the room.

"Yes, My Lord?" they said together.

"I have it! We will have more followers! This is perfect!"

"What is it, My Lord?" someone asked.

Voldemort threw back his head and laughed. "We shall make… a TV commercial!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lucius snapped the clapper shut. "The-Death-Eaters-Attempt-To-Recruit-More-Evil-Minions-By-Using-Muggle-Ideas-And-Inventions-And-Making-A-Television-Commercial take one!"

"Action!"

Peter cleared his throat. "Hello. My. Name. Is. Peter. I. Am. A. Death. Eater. You. Can. Be. One .Too."

"Cut!" Voldemort yelled loudly from his director's chair. "Wormtail! What the bloody hell was that?"

"I was acting, My Lord."

"Well, you suck! Bellatrix, you're replacing Peter."

Bella shoved Peter out of camera range, and positioned herself so she could read the teleprompter (which had immediately been changed so he words applied to Bella, with a swish of Voldy's wand).

"The-Death-Eaters-Attempt-To-Recruit-More-Evil-Minions-By-Using-Muggle-Ideas-And-Inventions-And-Making-A-Television-Commercial take two!"

"Action!"

Bella glanced around sinisterly. "Hello, mortals, I am the legendary Bellatrix Lestrange. Bwahahaha!"

Rabastan smacked his forehead with his palm.

"Today, I present you with a once in a lifetime opportunity... To become a Death Eater! Do it! Join us, or I shall curse you into oblivion!"

"Cut!" an exasperated Voldemort yelled. "Bella, we're trying to convince them to join the Death Eaters, not to become so scared of you they never turn on their televisions again."

"Oh. Right."

"Can we get someone else in there, please?"

Rodolphus took over for his wife.

"The-Death-Eaters-Attempt-To-Recruit-More-Evil-Minions-By-Using-Muggle-Ideas-And-Inventions-And-Making-A-Television-Commercial take three!"

"Action." Voldemort twiddled his thumbs.

"Hello, everyone! Do you need a job? Do you like traveling to unknown places, wearing black, and getting to use your wand a lot? If so, then join the Death Eaters! We'll give you a hundred Galleons a week, dental insurance, and your very own office! All we ask of you is that you pledge your life to serving our Dark Lord? What a deal! For more information, please call us at 1-800-328-3384, or, if you'd like to talk to the one and only He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, call him at 1-800-867-4353."

Rabastan's deep voice took over from offstage. "That's 1-800-328-3384. 1-800-328-3384. Call today!"

"And," Rodolphus finished, "sign up before September first, and we'll even pay for your uniform!"

"Cut!" Voldemort said. "Great job, Ro! And nice touch at the end, Rab. I think this one's the one!"

His speech was met by loud cheering and applause by everyone except Lucius, who was too tired from saying the title to talk.

Later that night, Voldemort was doing what any successful Dark Lord would do after a good day: He was writing it down in his diary in bed.

"Dear Diary," he reread to himself out loud. "Today was pretty good. We got the commercial done, Marissa finished five more bracelets, and best of all, I received some wonderful news. Lucius bought me some self-tanner!"

A loud knock came at his door. "Come in!"

Snape stepped into the room. "My Lord, there has been some- What on earth is that? Is that a diary?" he sneered.

Voldemort's now-golden cheeks flamed red. "Er, I, uh…"

"Good heavens, is that… is it… no… My Lord, tell me it isn't so!"

Voldemort hid under the sheets.

"Oh, my God. You have a teddy bear?"

"It is not a teddy bear!" The covers muffled Voldemort's voice.

"Then, pray tell, what is it?"

No answer.

"What is it?"

"It's a stuffed hippo, for your information!"

Snape walked over and picked it up, almost immediately dropping it in disgust. "It's pink."

"So? Real men like pink."

"It's wearing a tutu."

"Ballet is very sophisticated."

Snape scoffed. "And you call yourself evil."

"I am evil!"

"Yeah, right."

"At least I've never been on a rainbow."

Snape felt his cheeks grow hot. "I told you, damn it, I've never been on a rainbow!"

Voldemort popped his head out from under the blankets. "I've got proof."

"I don't believe you."

"Accio pictures!" A bunch of rubber-banded photos soared towards them.

"Let me see them." Snape demanded.

Voldemort handed him the snapshots. Snape smiled wickedly.

"Incendio!" he said, and the photographs immediately set on fire.

Voldemort kicked his covers off. "Damn it, Snape, did you have to set the whole bloody room on fire?" He performed an Extinguishing spell and water shot out of his water and stopped the fire.

"It did its job," Snape smirked.

"Snape?"

"Yes?"

"Get the hell out of my room."

Snape didn't move.

Forty-five seconds later, Snape stumbled out into the hallway, his body covered in boils, and could distinctly be heard muttering under his breath, "damn Dark Lords."

Around midnight, Snape snuck back into his Master's bedroom, and plucked the hippo from Voldemort's embrace.

Hmm… what should I do with it? I could flush it down the toilet… no Severus, stop thinking like a Muggle… Oh! I know!

Snape snickered, and dropped the hippo on Voldemort. With a swift flick of his wand, and a useful little bit of Transfiguration, a live hippopotamus now sat on the most feared man in the world.

"Goodnight, Voldy," Snape said. "Sleep tight." He exited the room. "Colloportus."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next morning found most of the Death Eaters in their pajamas and robes, lounging around the breakfast table.

"Anyone seen Voldy?" Rodolphus asked. "I gotta ask him something.

Everyone shook his or her heads, including Snape. No way was he going to tell them that he had locked Voldemort in his room with a living jungle animal.

Marissa walked in, yawning. "Morning, everyone."

"Morning, Marissa," most people said back, the others too lazy or too tired to open their mouths.

"Oh, Mr. Zabini, Blaise told me to tell you that, um, if you make him babysit Caprice one more time, he's going to start practicing Unforgivables on you. Sir," she added as an afterthought.

Zabini turned to her. "And how did Blaise tell you that?"

Bellatrix stepped in. "Most likely he opened his mouth and words came out, Zabini."

"I know that," he snapped. "I meant, did he tell you that on Take Your Kid to Work Day?"

"Um, not exactly."

"I see. When did you last talk to him?"

"Last night."

"AH-HA!" Zabini yelled, and everyone jumped. "You've been seeing my son haven't you? I'll kill you! I'll kill you with my bare hands!" He reached up and grabbed Marissa's neck.

"Mr. Zabini!" Marissa squeaked, the sudden loss of oxygen affecting her voice. We're just friends! Honest!"

Zabini let go. "Oh, alright then. Sorry bout that."

She rubbed her neck. "That's alright."

Someone poured a bowl of Magical Munch cereal, and everyone began to eat.

Breakfast was interrupted a few minutes later by a loud scream from upstairs. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Help! Mr. Fluffers! No! It's me! Voldy-kins! Don't eat me! No! Help! Crap! My wand! You stepped on my wand! It's broken! Help! Snape, I'm gonna kill you! Help me!"

Bellatrix rolled her eyes, and headed upstairs.

Five minutes later, she and a shaken Voldemort came downstairs, him holding a freshly repaired wand.

"What the bloody hell was that?" Lucius was very irritable before he had his coffee.

"Mr. Fluffers… giant… evil…kill me… Snape…" was all Voldemort could get out.

Everyone's attention immediately shifted to Severus.

"I don't know what he's talking about," Snape continued to put jelly on his toast.

Voldemort caught his breath. "He took Mr. Fluffers and transfigured him so he was a real hippo?"

"Who's Mr. Fluffers?" Marissa asked.

Voldemort cleared his throat. "Er...Look! A hippogriff!" He pointed out the window.

Everyone looked.

"There's nothing there!" Bellatrix scoffed. "Hey, where'd Voldemort go?"

A/N: Just thought I'd mention: I've decided to read all the HP books (for like the zillionth time) again, in order, and I'm timing myself. Do you guys want me to put my times up? So far I finished SS and am like 1/4 through CoS. Anyways, please review! Reviews make me happy… very happy. Happy people like to update!