WARNING: THIS STORY IS OFFICIALY POST-HBP

A/N: OK, five chapters into the story and I have decided to do… reviewer responses! Woo! And I shall do them magically! swishes wand nothing happens discovers "wand" is really a BIC pen. Oh well. I'll just use the keyboard.

blondiluvbanana: I will update soon… as you can probably tell if you are reading this now, LOL.

hogwartsgirl52: Thank you very much! I like that part, too. I personally think I should buy a Mr. Fluffers toy, in honor of the (now dead) original.

Sea4Shoes: I have to tell you, when I saw that that review was from you, my face lit up. I am so happy that one of my OC-er's (see? I can make up words just as good as the rest) had read my HP story. I very nearly cried.

AinoMinako: Although you review every chapter (many props to you), I seriously cannot figure out if you like my story or hate it! LOL. I am stretching the OOC thing, I'll admit. I was very proud of myself for keeping Snape pessimistic and evil (except for the whole rainbow thing). I kind of made up a Blaise character, terribly cliché, I know, but too bad. I like Blaise.

AlannaCrow: Thanks! I'm glad you like it.

xmnemosynex: Thanks! I'm glad you think it's funny. By the way, cool name. Hard to type, but cool.

caramel: Thanks! Glad to know somebody appreciated my time-and-read efforts, LOL. As for Marissa and Blaise… you shall see. Time will tell. All I'm saying is I like Blaise. He's cool.

leafs-gurl999: Thanks! I'm glad that you liked it.

starrysthestral: I am deeply honored that I made you laugh your ass off twice, LOL. I'm not a big Books 1 & 2 fan either... especially two. I don't know why, but they're just not as good. I'm glad you liked it.

Gemma: Woo-hoo! A review! I definitely agree with your whole writer-reader loop theory. No, I don't want that weighing on me, which is why I updated.

ciararocks: Thanks for your two reviews (and the ones for TD and LWP). I'm glad you like this (and my other) stories. I'm honored that you felt my writing was good enough to read 2 stories past The Diff. Thanks again!

IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE:

I am probably going to be changing my pen name. Just thought I'd let you all know so you aren't confused when you see a different name as the author of MFBFTDE (wow, long abbreviation). I don't really have any ideas on what I want to change it to (maybe Avada Cruimperio?) so if you guys think you have something for me, tell me. Would you feel special if I changed it to your suggestion? See, that's what I thought.

As you know, I'm reading all 6 HP books and timing myself, pretty soon I put up my scores in my profile. Also: After reading HBP for the second time, I think I'm ready to talk about it, LOL. I actually really want to discuss some stuff in it with someone, so if you want to talk about it with me, you an email me (my e-address is in my profile).

ALSO: If you want to see Mr. Fluffers (before he died) go to www. gocollect. com/ images/ SteiffBears/ 200/ 651632. jpg. I did not make that hippo up or anything: all I did was google stuffed hippo and BAM there he was.

Voldemort Gets Interviewed By The Daily Prophet

Voldemort was nervous, but he would admit that to no one. He carefully straightened his robes, made sure his bracelet was in full vie, and headed into the room.

Immediately, his attention was drawn towards the woman sitting in the room. She was wearing electric-blue robes, and as she stood up to shake his hand, he noticed that her nails were painted bright orange. Ugh. He inwardly groaned. He had no idea that she was doing the interview.

"Sit down anywhere you'd like, Voldy," Rita Skeeter motioned around her.

He cringed at the nickname and sat down on a couch about ten feet away from her. She frowned, and moved to a chair close to him. Much too close.

"So, Voldy, give me the scoop. I want it all."

He sighed. "What do you need to know?"

Her eyes gleamed. "Everything."

"All right then. Ask away."

"You mean I can ask you anything?"

"Sure."

Her Quick-Quotes Quill nearly wet itself.

"Is it true? Is Harry Potter The Chosen One?" She sat forward, eager to catch every detail.

"No, I decided to kill him and his parents, persuading their best friend into being a spy just so I could murder them, and showed up in the middle of the night at their house and blasted the bejesus out of them just for my own personal entertainment," Voldemort snapped.

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"Of course not." Merlin, how stupid was this woman?

Rita coughed. "Alright then. Is it true- have you really returned to power? Were you in the Ministry that night three years ago?"

"Are you kidding me? No, I'm just living the quiet life at home with my friends. And as for that Ministry crap- honestly, do you think that I could get in there? Why would I even want to? I could have Snape steal Dumbledore's pensieve whenever I wanted- I mean, I didn't really need to hear the prophecy." That was close. He had almost given something away.

"Tell us, Vold, we've all been dying to know. How did you survive that night when your Avada Kedavra rebounded on you?"

Psh. Like he was going to tell her about his Horcruxes. "Um… when I saw it coming back, I ducked."

"But then why did you lose all of your power?"

"Because when I ducked, I, er, hit my head on the Potter's kitchen table, and knocked all the power out of me. Yeah. That's it!"

"Rumors have it that you hired a new recruit recently. Is that true?"

"No, I told you, I've been living the quiet life."

"Then how do you explain this?" Rita dramatically whisked out the front page of Witches Weekly. It had a huge picture of Marissa in her Death Eater robes, entering their headquarters.

"Oh? That? Um…" Voldemort furrowed his brow. Ah! Yes! "My friend Donovan Zabini was over with his son, Blaise, and she's Blaise's girlfriend." Thank Merlin that Bella had told him about Don nearly strangling her to death over a mistake.

"But then why is she wearing Death Eater robes?" Rita asked.

Damn. How was he going to get out of this one, without accusing anyone of being a Death Eater? Think, Riddle, think. Ah-ha. "Those weren't Death Eater robes, they were just regular black robes."

Rita didn't seem particularly satisfied with his answer, but all of a sudden something clicked in her head. "Wait. You're saying that that girl is dating Blaise Zabini?"

"Yes…"

"Oh my goodness! That's breaking news! How should I headline it? Britain's Most Eligible Bachelor- Taken! That's good."

"Wait. What?" Voldemort was lost.

"So many girls have pictures of Blaise tacked up on their walls! They'll be devastated!" Rita looked positively delighted at the thought of it.

"I thought Draco was the Most El-"

"He was, obviously, until he started dating that little Mudblood twit Granger," Rita spat, pronouncing Granger like it was poison.

"Why on Earth would Blaise be anything like that?" Voldemort wondered aloud.

Rita snorted. "Let's see, he's hot, he's rich, he's smart, he's evil… Need I say more?"

"Um. Are we done yet?" Voldemort was anxious to get back to the headquarters. Bellatrix and Rodolphus said they had to talk to him about something.

"I guess," Rita sighed. "I'll send you a free copy of the Prophet when we get it published."

"Great. Nice meeting you." Voldemort offered his hand.

Rita eyed it with disdain. "Likewise."

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Fifteen minutes later, Voldemort rushed into his living room. "I'm late."

"We noticed," Bella responded dryly.

"Sorry if it took me forever to get rid of that Skeeter woman," Voldemort snorted. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Er… Sit down, Voldy." Ro looked a little nervous.

Voldemort eyed them with suspicion, but nevertheless took a seat. "What's this all about?"

Bella sighed. "We've noticed lately, that you seem, well, a little too obsessed with ruling the world."

"I'm an evil overlord. That's my job."

"Voldy, face it. It's not the golden days again. Hasn't been the same since Harry Potter got in the scene. And although you do need to take over the planet, maybe you're taking it all a little too seriously." Ro fidgeted with his nails.

"Too seriously? Too seriously? How is attempting to rule the world anything but serious?"

"Um… Bella? Why don't you tell him?"

"Listen, Voldemort, we've signed you up for a class." Bellatrix pulled out a flyer.

Are you an evil overlord who's just too caught up in the glory days? Can't get over that time when everyone feared you now, by now your name just brings laughter?

Then join H.A.S.B.E.E.N.S (Helping And Saving Bad Evil Empty Souls)! We're a group of people that will help you on your road to recovery from the life you used to have.

Voldemort threw the flyer down. "You're kidding!"

Bella shook her head.

"I will have you know, people won't even say my name because it inspires so much fear, not laughter! There is a whole organization devoted to my destruction!"

"We know, Voldy, we're just worried about you. We think you should relax with some people who can relate to you." Ro prayed that Voldemort would go. If he didn't everything would be ruined.

"I. Am. NOT. Going."

"You are." Bella pointed her wand at his throat.

"No."

"Yes."

"Never."

"You will go."

"I'M NOT GOING AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

Two hours later, Voldemort sat grumpily on a folding chair in a circle, surrounded by other folding chairs, and ex-evil rulers in the chairs.

"Alright, group, today we have a new wizard. Voldemort, stand up and introduce yourself," a plump witch with a nametag that said "Mrs. Hubblekins" said from somewhere in the circle.

Voldemort got to his feet. "I'm Lord Voldemort-"

"Hi, Voldemort!" the group chorused.

"But you shall call me either You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," he continued, glaring at Mrs. Hubblekins.

"Now, now, the first step to recovery is acceptance, and you must learn to accept your name, Voldemort." Mrs. Hubblekins said.

"I like my name! I love it! I made it! You all are not worthy to say it!"

"That's not very nice, Voldemort."

"Nice? Nice? I don't care about nice! I kill people! I torture civilians for fun! When I was ten, I lead two kids into a cave and by the time they came out, they were insane! I murdered my father and grandparents at sixteen! And I blackmailed Severus Snape with pictures of him on a rainbow!" Voldemort screamed.

Mrs. Hubblekins looked appalled. "That's uncalled for!"

"See? I'm evil! EVIL!"

"Well, then, we'll have to help you. Right, group?"

"Right!"

"First, you need to learn to like the color pink and bunny rabbits."

Voldemort stared. This was too much. Thank Merlin Bella had forgotten to confiscate his wand. But, first things first. He snapped his fingers, and ropes bound Mrs. Hubblekins and the group to their chairs.

He blasted a hole through the wall, and ran out side. Oh, yes. Oops.

He stuck his head back inside. "Obliviate!"

And with a small pop, he Disapperated back to the headquarters

"Hey, Voldy," Ro said, as Voldemort appeared in the kitchen. "How was the class?"

"Wonderful. They said I did so well, I won't need to come back again."

"Great! Hey, I was thinking. Our headquarters need a name." Ro munched on a Chocolate Frog.

"We've already got one."

"Really? What is it?"

"Well, since I am, as you know, an Evil Overlord and a Master of Anagrams, I combined the two."

"I don't get it," Rodolphus accidentally bit off half the card.

"I made our headquarters name an anagram of Evil Overlord!"

"Great! What is it?"

"Vile Love Dorr."

Ro frowned. "That doesn't work. That should be d-o-o-r, but it's d-o-r-r."

"I know. I got Vile and then Love, because, you know, love is vile, and then I had d or r left over, so I made it Vile Love Dorr."

"I should go make a sign for the front door that says, "This is a Vile Love Dorr." Get it?"

Voldemort sighed. "Yes, Ro. I get it."

"Oh, by the way, Voldy, just thought I should mention to you that you might not want to come to breakfast tomorrow."

"Why not?"

"Zabini's planning on killing you."

"Oh. Ok. I'm going to go head up to bed. Night!"

"Night."

Voldemort headed up the stairs.

Ro chuckled. "Three… two… one."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ZABINI'S GOING TO KILL ME?" Voldemort Apparated back downstairs.

"Take a look." Ro pulled out the new Daily Prophet.

A huge headline read: BLAISE ZABINI, ENGLAND'S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR- TAKEN! Story on page two."

A much small line below it read. "Exclusive interview with Lord Voldemort, page sixteen."

"You're got to be kidding me," Voldemort shook with rage. "How dare she! She promised!"

Ro patted him on the back. "I know, I know. It must suck that she twisted your words and wrote that, huh?"

"Not that. She swore I'd be front page!" He flipped to his interview.

Today, (writes Rita Skeeter, Special Correspondent For The Daily Prophet) met with the man who was once going to take over the world- He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He told me, in our exclusive interview, that he is happily retired, and is looking for a wife. Once a week, he has Harry Potter over for a game of chess or Quidditch, and he's thinking about opening up a restaurant. He sincerely apologized for any deaths he caused back in the 80's, and is asking for the Wizarding World to please forgive him. He squashed all rumors of a "Chosen One" and firmly denied of his presence in the Department Of Mysteries fiasco three years ago, again stating that he is happily retired. He also said, though, that he volunteers twice a month at St. Mungo's, helping the sick and the sick of mind. When asked about Professor Dumbledore's death (considering that he was sworn enemies with the man), he shed tears over the two-year departed teacher, and said that the day of Dumbledore's death was one of the saddest of his life. He also mentioned that donations for his charity, Stuffed Hippos For The Sick Little Muggle Kids, can be dropped off at St. Mungos for him, where there is an office for SHFTSLMK.

Voldemort's jaw fell open. Happily retired? Wife? Harry Potter over for a game once a week? Restaurant? Tears over Dumbledore? "That woman is mad."

"Oh, Voldy, why didn't you tell us that you've got a charity for Muggle kids?" Ro asked, folding the paper shut.

Voldemort pointed his wand at Rodolphus' throat. "You have exactly seven seconds to get out of my sight before I kill you."