Disclaimer: Which of the following is NOT true: A) I own Marissa. B) I own MFBFTDE. or C) I own Harry Potter, his friends, his enemies, McDonalds and Jesse McCartney.
If you said C, you're right! BTW, thank God I don't own Jesse McCartney… might have to kill him if I did…
A/N: So, I decided that, for many reasons, it would be in everyone's best interest for me to get a website for my stories. I now have a LiveJournal that you all can go to to check out what's happing in the writing world of Avada Cruimperio. NOTE: Since has banned reviewer responses, I'm going to put them up on the LiveJournal (you can find the link on myprofile, under homepage) It'll also have when I'm planning on updating, if I have writers block, polls, and the like. Check it out, bookmark it, make a song of devotion to it- I don't care. But please look at it!
The Death Eaters Go On A Road Trip
"So, tell me again why we're getting in the car and driving to halfway across the country toIllinois?" Rodolphus asked as he lugged a suitcase outside.
"Because," Voldemort said, inwardly snickering as he levitated his luggage into the Death Eater-mobile. "After I discovered that I have no Horcruxes left, I made some more and need to scatter them all over the world."
"But why Illinois?"
"Because it has special meaning to me."
"All I know about it is that that goddamn writer ofMaking Frienship Bracelets For The Death Eaterslives there. Hey, you! Get the rest of the bags in the car!" He sent his stuff flying towards a nameless unsuspecting coworker.
"Well, that is an interesting coincidence, but the American Quidditch Hall OF Fame happens to be in Chicago, and we're hiding it there. You'll see."
"Why can't we just Apparate there?"
"Because we have to take the long way so that accursed author can write more "fanfiction" about us and the daily stupid shit that we do."
"Ah. I see."
"Hey! We've got everything loaded!" Crabbe called.
"Excellent!" Voldemort hurried inside the car. "I'm driving."
"Shotgun!" ten different voices called at once.
"Play rock, paper, scissors for it." Voldemort decided.
After several "That's not fair! Two out of three!"'s and a few "Oops. I meant rock. That was an accident."'s and a couple "I'll kill you if you don't let me win!"'s, Bellatrix was declared the winner, after nearly cutting her brother-in-law's hand off.
As Voldemort backed out of the driveway, Rodolphus began to sing. "Ninety-nine bottles of butterbeer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of butterbeer! Ya take one down-"
"Shut up, you moronic excuse for a Death Eater, shut up!" Bellatrix turned around and glared daggers at him.
"Hey! Be nice to me, I'm your husband."
"I know, sweetie-weetie tootsie pie, I was just getting a teensy bit aggravated. I'm sorry, love."
"It's forgiven, poppet."
Blaise pretended to throw up.
Draco noticed. "What was wrong with that? It's so sweet how after being married for like, an eternity, their love is as strong as ever, even if Aunt Bellatrix needs some anti-wrinkle cream."
Bella twisted her head around. "Draco, I don't care if you are my nephew, I have no problem with blasting you out of the car."
Draco chose that moment to cower under a pillow in fright.
a half hour later
"New York!" Lucius squealed.
"Give my regards to Broadway, remember me to Harold Square..." Ro trailed off after seeing his wife's expression.
"What was that about New York?" Marissa asked.
"I saw a New York license plate," Lucius explained. "And- ooh! Look! Pennsylvania!"
Snape paled.
Rodolphus snickered.
"What's wrong with Pennsylvania?" Draco asked.
"Snape's girlfriend lives there," chortled Rodolphus.
Draco's "Ooh! Who is she!" was drowned out by Blaise's "Snape has a girlfriend?"
"I do not, thank you very much!" Snape had now turned the color of a tomato. "She was just someoldladywhowrotetomeandwantstobangme," he muttered under his breath.
Blaise's expression turned to one of glee. "An old lady from Pennsylvania wants to f-"
"Rhode Island!"
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Seven hours into the journey, much had changed. In the way back, Draco was busy writing a ten-page love note to Hermione, and Blaise and Marissa had fallen asleep, her head on his shoulder. In the next row up, Snape was sorting his fan mail (thanking Merlin that there were none from the old perverted lady), Rabastan was muttering in his sleep about flying iguanas, and Macnair was drawing a lovely picture of a beheaded crup.
Lucius and Rodolphus had each brought a large supply of Pixie Stix, which was keeping them highly entertained. Up front, Bellatrix was arguing with Voldemort about which radio station to listen to.
"Ugh, turn the dial, I hate Celestina Warbeck," she declared.
"Fine. Ooh, the Weird Sisters! I love them!"
"I abhor pop music! It' all Britney Spears' fault!"
"You seemed to like pop when you were singing the Spice Girls last week."
"That was different. I was drunk."
"Speaking of under the influence… please tell me that back there is not your husband, it's just someone under Polyjuice."
"Why?" Bellatrix turned to look at Ro.
"Hi-Bellatrix-wow-its-a-great-day-oh-I'm-having-so-much-fun-oh-my-goodness-I-just-love-these-Pixie-Stix-they're-simply-wonderful-don't-you-think?" Rodolphus rushed.
"Shit."
Lucius was bouncing in his seat. "Ooh! Look! Ohio! Ohio! Ohio! Ohio! Ohio! Ohio!"
"We're in Ohio, you blithering idiot!"
"Now-now-that's-not-very-nice-now-is-it-my-dear-Bella-oh-no-now-we-mustn't-call-Lucius-neither-blithering-nor-idiot!"
Voldemort sighed, and changed the station.
"Ooh! I love this song! I'm gonna conquer the world, oh yeah, mm-hmm!" Voldemort sang.
"Who's it by?" Macnair asked.
"Not sure."
"Well, I don't like it. Too depressing." Bellatrix changed the station.
At once, the song that filled the air made everybody shriek in horror. "I want yoooouu and your beautiful soul!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! JESSE MCCARTNEY!" everyone screamed.
"Turn if off, turn it off!" Bellatrix sobbed.
Lucius plugged his ears. "LA LA LA! I CAN'T HEAR THAT ATROCIOUS MUGGLE SINGER! MY HAIR IS SOOO MUCH COOLER THAN HIS! I THINK-"
"Lucius, I changed the station."
"Oh."
Draco coughed. "Excuse me, but I am trying to write here, and it's extremely difficult when you all won't husha-shusha!"
"Sorry," everyone apologized.
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"Hey, Voldy?"
"What?"
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
"But I'm bored." Ro protested. "Can't you Apparate us and the car there?"
"As soon as I teach Mr. Fluffers to fly."
"And… how long will that be?"
Voldemort sighed. "We'll be there in a few hours."
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"Voldy?"
"Yes?"
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"You should have gone before we left."
"But I have to go!"
"We'll pull over at the next rest stop."
"But I'm hungry, too."
"So have a bag of chips. They're in the bag by Rabastan."
"But I want a meal."
"So we'll go to the drive-thru at the next McDonald's we see."
"But I want to go inside a restaurant and have someone serve me."
"Well, then, you're out of luck."
"You suck."
"Deal with it."
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"Voldy!"
"What?"
"Lucius is poking me!"
"Lucius, stop poking Rodolphus or I'll Crucio you."
"I didn't touch him!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
Draco rolled his eyes. "Dad, start acting your age."
Lucius stuck his tongue out at his son.
"If you do that one more time… Does anyone else get the feeling thatLucius and I have switched places?" Draco wondered.
"Voldy!"
"Lucius, stop poking him."
"It's not that. I really have to go to the bathroom."
"Fine. Pit stop!" Voldemort swerved off the road and down an exit ramp to a rest stop.
"Yay!" Rodolphus threw open the door and ran out of the car, Lucius at his heels.
Draco pinched Blaise, whose head shot up as he awoke, stirring Marissa from her sleep.
"What did I miss?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.
"Rest stop." Draco explained.
Blaise raced outside, closely followed by his friends.
The Death Eater-mobile soon emptied out, as everyone took full advantage of the restroom facilities.
Fifteen minutes later, Voldemort did a quick head-check, and they were back on the road.
"Voldy?"
"If you tell me that you've got to use the bathroom, I will have Macnair chop off your head."
"No… I'm hungry."
"Me too!" Lucius piped up.
"Then you shouldn't have eating those Pixie Stix, which make you more hungry then you were to start out with."
"Please?" Ro begged.
"Fine. We'll drive through McDonalds. And that's the best you're getting."
"I'm hungry, too!" came three voices from the backseat.
Voldemort sighed. "Is anyone else hungry?"
"Yes!" everyone else exclaimed.
"Hi, welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?"
"Um, yes, we'll take two plain hamburgers, one Big Mac, one cheeseburger, a Filet-O-Fish, a Crispy Chicken Caesar salad, a three-piece Chicken Selects, an Oreo Flurry, a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and a kid's cheeseburger."
Lucius blushed at the mention of the last item.
"Would you like fries with that?"
"Um. Sure. Ten orders of medium fries."
"Thank you, sir. That will be forty do-"
"Money? MONEY? I'm not paying you, you filthy thieving American Muggle!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but you either have to pay or not get your food."
"I will get my food but I won't pay!"
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"Voldemort, you better thank your lucky stars that we Obliviated all of those Muggle please-men that were going to throw you in jail." Bellatrix snarled three hours later.
"I'm sorry, but what was I supposed to do? Pay? I don't even have any money! Hell, I don't even have a driver's license!" Voldemort poked her.
"You better keep both hands on the wheel!" she ordered.
"You better shut up before I make you!"
"Ooh, I'm so scared!" Bella sneered.
The next minute, a large earthworm sat in the seat next to Voldemort, where Bellatrix had been. Rodolphus stared in horror.
"You just turned my wife into a bug!"
Blaise sniggered. "At least we don't have to hear any more ridiculous nicknames from you two anymore, Rodie-sweet kins."
"Hey! Only Bellatrix can call me that!"
Blaise rolled his eyes.
"Did we ever get that food?" Draco wanted to know.
"No. The please-men ate it all."
Voldemort didn't notice when, a few minutes later, Rodolphus turned Bella back into a human.
He reached over and turned the radio station. "Ah, yes. The Weird Sisters. Now Bellatrix can't change the dial."
"Oh, yes, I can."
"DAMMIT!"
"I can't believe you turned me into a worm, you foul, disgusting, mentally ill-"
"Hate to break up the love fest," Draco interrupted, "but we're here."
To be continued….
Next chapter! "The Death Eaters Attempt to Hide A Horcrux in Illinois!" Check out My LiveJournal! And most importantly, review! For those of you who are on the alert/favorite list and don't review, I know who you are. And so, I must convince you to review! Or rather, Draco must convince you to review…
Draco: Hey! That's not fair! I'm a good Death Eater! Don't pick on me! Pick on Snape!
Avada Cruimperio: I already pick on Snape.
Draco: Pick on Rodolphus! Pick on Bellatrix! Pick on Voldemort! Anyone but me! I don't want to convince your stupid readers to review!
readers and author gasp
Avada: Oh no, you did not.
Draco: What?
Avada: How dare you call them stupid! They didn't take Remedial Transfiguration!
Draco: I never took Remedial Transfiguration on Wednesday nights at 7:45 in McGonagall's classroom! Honestly!
McGonagall: Yes, you did, you filthy little swine!
Avada: When did you get here?
McGonagall: Just for the point of evidence. See you later!
Draco: This is quite possibly the dumbest thing you've ever written, including Chapter Three where I'm portrayed as metrosexual.
Avada: Because you are.
Draco: Yeah, well, that was dirty! You have to make someone else weird, too.
Avada: Trust me, you're one of the normal ones.
Draco: Yeah right.
Rodolphus enters, wearing a long red prom dress and a rainbow curly clown wig
Ro: The hills are alive, with the sound of reviewers!
Draco: I take it back. Ro wins.
Ro: The reviews they have typed, they come in the thousands!
Draco: She wishes.
Rodolphus: The reviews fill her heart with a sense of loving!
Draco: Are you done singing yet?
Ro: Sheesh. Fine.