A/N: This chapter will lok very farmiliar to about forty of you. That's because I posted it before. I noticed a bunch of mistakes and wanted to correct them.

A/N: So, as a few of you noticed, I put up a new story, just like I said I would. Go read it!

I have decided to respond to a few reviews that I got here. Yay!

Kyer: It sounded like you totally hate MFBFTDE… why? JW. Also, I took your suggestions for Wizard OF Hogsmeade. Thanks!

AinoMinako: Ahhh! Totally forgot about Marissa. She was there in chapter like, 11 I think, though. I know I'm going to feel totally and utterly retarded for asking… but what does SI stand for?

I've had the idea for this chapter brewing for so long. Thanks to my BFF Becca for helping me learn how to rap.

Becca: Have it say, the cow mooed and farted at the same time.

Me: That's nasty.

Becca: Yeah, but then I could say "Mr. Cow! You farted!"

Yeah, my best friend's psycho.

Disclaimer: Sorry, guys, no funny disclaimer today. I don't own any of the following: Harry Potter, anything mentioned in anything that J.K. Rowling has ever written, the musical Hairspray, or the song "Dontcha" by the Pussycat Dolls. I also have nothing against gay people, or therapy.

The Death Eaters Kidnap The Dursleys

There was one place, one place, where Voldemort did all of his thinking, where he hatched his evil schemes, plotted to take over the world, pondered where to hide his next Horcrux, and decided what to put on his grocery list: the shower.

However, at this moment, Voldemort was not hatching or plotting or pondering or deciding. He was singing.

"I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaaay!"

"You certainly are." Snape muttered from outside the bathroom door.

"And I pity, any girl who isn't me tooooday!" Voldemort continued.

Lucius sniggered. "And they say I'm the chick at heart."

"I feel charming! Oh, so charming! It's alarming how charming I feeel!"

"You can say that again."

"See that pretty girl in the mirror there? Who can that attractive girl be?"

Snape and Lucius were thoroughly disgusted and left.

Voldemort stopped singing, and began plotting, once again. It was so difficult to brainstorm with those two listening to his every thought…

A half-hour later, a very pruny Voldemort burst downstairs. "I've got it!"

"What is it now?" Blaise rolled his eyes.

"I have discovered how to take down Harry Potter!"

"Do tell." Snape said boredly, examining his fingernails.

"Well, Potter used to live with his cousin and aunt and uncle, right? So he must love them very much. According to Lucius, people in families usually like each other. So we kidnap them and hold them hostage unless Harry agrees that we can kill him!"

"Brilliant!" Wormtail squeaked, applauding.

"You know, Pettigrew, it's become rather annoying that you clap after every single time Voldemort announces a plan." Bellatrix remarked.

"Screw you," Peter replied, sticking out his tongue.

"Alright, so who's on the kidnap-relatives committee?" Voldemort asked.

As usual, no one volunteered.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "I'm getting really sick of having to pull names out of the hat!"

Again, no one volunteered.

"Oh, darn it. Accio Hat." The usual Picking Hat (the Sorting Hat's cousin) whizzed toward the Dark Lord.

"Alright, we need about three people, so it's… Draco, Bellatrix, and Wormtail."

"This should be interesting." Snape commented.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The chosen ones burst into the Dursley's kitchen.

"Surrender, fiends, or we shall torture you to insanity and make your brains ooze out of your ears!" Bellatrix shrieked.

Dudley wet himself.

Peter was more passive about it. "Um, hi, I'm Peter, and we were wondering if we could kidnap you for a few hours, if that's okay with you."

Draco filed his fingernails. "Oh my gosh, guys, just get it over with. I have a manicure at four, so I totally need to be out of here by then."

Uncle Vernon cleared his throat loudly. "Listen, I don't know who the bloody hell you lot are, but-"

Aunt Petunia had gone white. "Vernon, these are D-d-death Eaters."

"Damn straight, biyatch!" Draco announced.

Everyone stared. Draco miraculously transformed into a gangsta. He was clad in baggy pants with his boxers showing, a do-rag, and a enormous heavy gold necklace. He began to rap.

"Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, listen, my name is Draco, I gots a lotta crispy brown baco...n. I'm really really cool, way too cool for school, I'm a Death Eater, so y'all gotta get a bird feeder, you lil' Mudbloods gonna freak when you see me on the street, you bitches ain't my whore and…" He noticed everyone staring at him like he should be wearing a straightjacket. "Look! There's the door!" He bolted out of the house.

Dudley had wet himself again.

Bellatrix sighed. "This is getting ridiculous." She Stunned the Dursleys and Apparated them back to Vile Love Dorr.

Voldemort bound them into chairs and awoke them.

"Good morning, mortals. I am Lord Voldemort. Twahahahahahahaha!"

Uncle Vernon stared at Voldemort with recognition. "You-you're Lord Voldy-thing?"

"I prefer He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"I don't. You have the dementoids, don't cha?"

"Dontcha ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Dontchhhhha?" Draco sang.

"Draco, what have I said about those Muggle drugs?" Lucius warned him.

"Stop telling me what to do!"

"Don't! Don't treat me like a child of tw-ooo!" Peter sang.

"Stop doing that! Randomly bursting into song is my thing!" Draco whined.

"Actually, it's Avada's, but that's not the point. Draco, you've been acting really weird lately. What's wrong?" Lucius asked.

"Fine. I admit it. I'm gay!"

Lucius blinked. "What did you say?"

"Um… Black robes are so cliché!"

Everyone visibly relaxed.

"We should get pink." Draco continued.

Snape rolled his eyes. "There is no way in hell I'm getting pink robes!"

"I'll settle for lavender." Draco compromised.

"The day I wear robes that are any color of the rainbow-" Snape realized what he had said.

"Speaking of rainbows, how is it up there?" Rodolphus grinned manically.

Snape buried his head in his arms and cried.

Voldemort continued his interrogation.

"So, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?" Voldemort asked.

Vernon pondered this. "One… two- OH MY GOD A COW!"

Snape had turned their son into a farm animal.

Petunia began to cry, but Vernon merely remarked, "He doesn't look that different, anyways."

"That's it, Vernon! We're getting a divorce!" Petunia sobbed.

"Petunia, let's have this discussion when we're not about to be killed!" her husband growled.

"Relax, we're not gonna kill you… okay, yes we are. We're only going to suck your livers out through a straw, it happens to everyone."Rodolphus reassured them.

Uncle Vernon muttered something that sounded like "mimblewimble."

Snape burst into the room. "I have the straw, My Lord!"

The cow mooed.

Uncle Vernon looked frightened. "You're not really going to suck out our livers, a-are you?"

"What? Livers? This is for the milkshakes." Snape blew a straw wrapper at Marissa, who kicked him in the shin.

"Alright," Voldemrot said, rubbing his hands together evilly. "Let's put this plan in action!"

Hestuck his head in the fire, andthrew in green Floo powder. "Harry Potter's house!" he called.

His head appeared in Harry's fireplace.

"Voldemort!" Harry said, looking up from the breakfast table. "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FIREPLACE!"

"What have I said about going all Caps Lock, Harry?" Voldemort scolded.

"That it's rude and vulgar and reminiscent of my Angst!Harry teenage years." Harry mumbled, his head down.

"And?"

"And that there are support groups for people like me."

"Well? Have you been to Angst Anonymous yet?" Voldemort demanded.

Harry looked sheepish. "Not exactly."

"Hmm?"

"Voldemort! Come on! Do you really expect me to go? We both know that therapy is for squares!"

"Is not. And how many times do I have to tell you, it's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

"Don't make me go all Caps, Voldy!"

"Voldy? VOLDY? THAT IS IT, POTTER! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

"Ooh! Bitchfight!" Draco squealed from Voldemort's end of the fire.

Voldemort snapped back to reality. "Potter, although I never pass up a chance to kick your ass, I have more important news."

"Oh? Something more important that killing me? What in heavens name could that be?" Harry pondered.

Voldemort cleared his throat importantly. "Ahem. We have kidnapped your uncle, aunt and cousin."

"Did you hurt them?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Well, we turned Dudley into a cow. Listen, I really have to capture you, so can you just please come to their aid? Dudley needs milking."

"Dude, Draco's the gay one, not me."

"How does everyone know?" Draco howled from Voldemort's end of the fireplace.

Lucius gave him a quizzical look.

"Er… Stop calling me gay! I'm not!" Draco amended.

Harry snorted. "Draco, you're as straight as a curly fry."

"Ooh!" Rodolphus piped up. "I like curly fries!"

A/N: Review! Read my new story! Review it! Ilove you all!