A/N: Holy crap! 230 reviews! That's more than all my other stories put together. This really is my pride and joy, I love it so much…
Also, you all should feel super-special (dear Merlin, I'm turning into Draco) because for the second chapter in a row, this chaper is over 2000 words long! Yay!

One thing about this story that I'm not sure if I like or hate is the hits I get. In my first story, I had a lot (almost half) less reviews, but three times more hits. Here, I've got double the reviews but a lot less hits. Like, in that other story, 1 in 107 people reviewed. Which sucks. But here, 1 in 17 people review. Moral of this is: Tell your friends to read this and review!

SUPER-IMPORTANT: I have a poll on my LiveJournal that I want EVERYONE to take. I need to know some things about your opinions on this story, reviewing, and my review skits. Please take it! Just go to my livejournal (the adress is on my profile), read it, click submit comment, and type in your answers. Oh, and click OKor whatever when you're done. Please do this, it mean a lot to me. Thanks!

I'm putting my selected reviewer responses up here, to make room for a REVIEW SKIT! at the end.

Selected reader responses:

Gemma: Whoa… that's weird. Keep out of my brain! LOL

Hogwartsgirl52: That's so weird! Plus, Alan Rickman is ug-lee!

FanFictionFantom: Summer? We have to wait till summer:sheds tears: By the way, don't know if I mentioned this before, but if you ever end up doing Half-Blood Price, make Felix Felicis (the lucky potion) Felix Navidad, and whenever someone takes it they run around, partying, in a sombrero. :-D Just a suggestion.

I am a Banana: Yay! Another marshmallow :eats marshmallow:

xPussyWillowKittenx: You don't want to know what happened when Voldy got free…

PadfootRoxMySox007: Grrr. I tried to go there, and since my computer is like a Windows Stone Age, nothing worked. It's the official HP site, right?

Ophelia: You mean you've never stolen a Big Mac? Shame on you! Everyone gets arrested sooner or later for stealing fast food.

LoonyLuna48: There's a little bit of Marissa here, we'll see more of her next chapter.

ciararocks: Thanks for asking :) Yeah, a guy really did dump me because he's gay, but it's all right. We're still friends and now we can go shopping together!

Thorn Yokoshima: I'm glad you like it so much! Thanks!

Red Bess Rackham: LOL. I can't believe you read them in a library. That's so funny! By the way, I hope you're happy about the un-Draco/Hermione-ness.

Jedi Knight Padme: Turn Draco straight? But then how could he go shopping with me?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and Co, or Claire's (although I'm friends with this girl whose grandmother founded it.) I do, however, own anything you don't recognize from J.K. Rowling's works. Mwahahahaha!

This chapter is dedicated to Tara and David: Happy birthday, guys!

Nana Gaunt Pays A Visit To The Death Eaters

Voldemort drummed his fingers on the kitchen countertop. "And just when were you planning on telling me this, Wormtail?"

Peter trembled. "I-I-I had forgotten, My Lord."

Rodolphus snickered. "Back to "My Lord", are we, Peter?"

Voldemort glared at Peter. "Forgotten? FORGOTTEN? It's not every day that there's a sale at Macy's!"

"I am so sorry, My Lord- I mean, Your Highness-um, Ruler of All!" Peter whimpered. "I know how much you wanted those black leather shoes, it was so careless of me to not inform you of the reduced price!"

Voldemort's lower lip quivered. "Damn it, Wormtail! Those shoes made me look sexy! And I want them now!"

"My Lord, I-"

I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it-

Voldemort blushed. "I have got to change my ringtone," he muttered. "Hello?"

The Death Eaters watched with interest as Voldemort's face fell, and he began to bang his head on the counter.

"Who do you think it is?" Peter wondered.

"Probably his girlfriend," Blaise laughed.

"Aww, that's so cute! Voldemort has a girlfriend? I always knew he'd find a woman!" Draco squealed.

"Yes. YES. YES, I SAID! YES!" Voldemort screamed. "YES, YOU CAN COME! THIS IS AS LOUD AS I CAN TALK! GET A HEARING AIDE! GOODBYE!" Voldemort slammed down the phone.

"What was that?" Marissa asked.

Voldemort slunk to the floor, his head in his hands. "Nana's coming to visit."

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Six hours and three attempted suicides later, Voldemort stood on the front step, arms crossed, waiting for his grandmother to arrive.

"Wasn't it your life goal to kill all of your family members?" Rodolphus inquired.

"Only on my father's side."

"I see."

Peter began to whistle I'm A Little Teapot.

"Ooh, look!" Marissa cried. "There she is!"

At the end of the road, a banged-up white sedan was creeping down the street.

Voldemort waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And finally, eleven minutes later, his grandma had driven down the street.

"Go open the door for her." Bellatrix hissed.

"Do I hafta?" Voldemort whined.

"Yes. Go!"

Voldemort slouched down the driveway and whisked the door open for the elderly woman. No one was surprised by her appearance. She was wrinkly and hunched over, holding on to a walker for dear life. A burgandy wool sweater and an earth green skirt added to her look, and her earlobes were long, streached by decades of dangly earrings. Everyone recolied as they got a whiff of her scent- gasoline mixed with baby powder.

"Nana! How nice to see you!"

"What?"

"NANA! HOW NICE TO SEE YOU!"

"What?"

"TURN YOUR HEARING AIDE ON, YOU OLD FREAK!"

"Tommy, dear, speak up! You must kick that nasty mumbling habit of yours, you know. If you're ever going to be Minister of Magic, you must learn to enunciate."

Voldemort gritted his teeth. "Yes, Nana. May I carry your bags?"

Nana turned to open the trunk. Voldemort's hands instinctively began to wrap around her neck-

"Voldemort! Stop strangling your grandmother!" Bellatrix ordered.

"Sorry."

Nana pulled nineteen teal, flowered suitcases out of the front seat, flinging them at her grandson, who soon collapsed under the weight.

"Oh my goodness! Who knows the number for 911?" Draco screamed.

Rodolphus rolled his eyes. "Just do CPR."

Everyone shifted uncomfortably, staring at their feet.

"I'll do it!" the old woman announced, a cape flowing from her back. "Cause I'm… Super Nana!" She bent down to give her grandson mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, when-

Voldemort's eyes shot open. "HOLY CRAP!"

Nana straightened up, looking embarrassed. "I'll just be putting my things in the house," she muttered, hobbling towards the door.

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Twenty minutes later, everyone was sitting in an awkward silence in the living room.

Draco broke the ice. "So, Nana… how are you?"

"I'm so glad you asked!" the old woman croaked.

"I'm not," Snape muttered.

"Well, I've got arthritis, random back spasms, my eye twitches every now and then, my legs are going out so I need to use this walker, I nearly broke my hip last week doing laundry, I'm losing hearing in my left ear, and to top it all off, that sexy doorman across the street won't even wave to me!"

"That's… really nice." Voldemort lied.

Nana patted his knee. "So, Tommy, when am I gonna get some great grandchildren?"

"Didn't you know?" Rodolphus asked. "Voldemort's pregnant!"

"Good God, they can do anything with magic these days!" Nana remarked. "So when's the bundle of joy due?"

Voldemort sighed. "He was joking, Nana."

Nana looked across to Marissa, who had been unusually silent this entire time. "Darling, that's a beautiful bracelet you've got on. Did you get it at Walgreens?"

"I made it myself," Marissa said uncomfortably, staring at her wrist, where her Death Eater friendship bracelet was.

"Well, that's nice too, Judy. Are you the one giving my son those babies? Because at 165, I'm not getting any younger."

"Thank God," Rodolphus muttered.

"Now, Tommy, how 'bout cha make me shum tea?" Nana asked.

"Mrs. Gaunt, what's wrong with your voice?" Draco asked worriedly.

Nana sighed. "Bring me a glash of water, Tommy."

Voldemort dutifully fetched her a cup.

Nana reached inside her mouth and pulled out her teeth, dropping them in the glass. "Thass be'er," she said, satisfied, as she swirled around her dentures with a straw. "Five… six…seven…and eight." She picked her teeth up and inserted them in her mouth.

"I'm thirsty," Draco announced to no one in particular.

Nana held out the denture water. "Want some?"

"I'm… just gonna go grab a coke."

Nana glanced at her watch. "Good heavens! It's five-thirty! Time for my soap." She flicked on the TV to The Old and the Decrepit.

Draco ran back into the room. "Oh my goodness! I love this show!"

"It's not too late to put him up for adoption, you know." Bellatrix informed Lucius.

"No!" Lucius said, horrified. "We can't do that! It's AppleNamedBob's favorite character! How could we live without Draco's gayness?"

A redhead poofed into the room. "I don't know!" She disappeared.

"… the hell was that?"

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"Draco, we're out of tea. Go buy some for Nana." Lucius ordered.

"Why should I? She's not my Nana! Make Voldemort do it."

"I don't wanna!" Voldemort whined.

"Do it!"

"Fine." Voldemort grabbed his keys and headed out to the Death Eater-mobile. As he backed out of the driveway, he heard a sickening crunch and hurried to see what he had run over.

"Damn it, Nana!" he yelled. "Stop leaving your damn walker behind my car!"

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That night, Draco walked into the guest room to say goodnight to Nana, and walked in on her-

"Holy crap! You're bald!"

Nana hastily grabbed a purple wig. "It's not what it looks like, I swear!"

Draco's lower lip quivered. "You lied to me! You said your hair was real! You… betrayed me."

Nana hung her head. "Draco, I am so sorry. How can you ever forgive me?"

"I don't know."

She opened her arms. "Here. Let's hug."

Draco ran out of the room. "CHILD MOLESTOR!"

Voldemort stuck his head outside the door, his hair wrapped in curlers. "Draco, it's bloody eleven o'clock at night. What the hell is going on?"

"Nana tried to rape me!" Draco sobbed.

"Ahem. Snape? I believe this is your line of expertise? Maybe you can take him on a rainbow and show him how it feels."

Snape turned purple with rage. "If you say the word rainbow one more time, I'm going to rip off your head and shove it in Nana's ear."

"Rainbow."

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The next morning, Nana woke up with an odd feeling in her head. "Oh, my. My hearing aid seems to have enlarged overnight!"

A/N: I don't know whether I had to disclaimer this, but The Old And The Decrepit was a takeoff of The Young And The Restless.

Time for another infamous REVIEW SKIT!

Avada Cruimperio: Hello, minions- I mean, reviewers. Bwahahahahaha!

Policeman: Er, miss, you're going to have to come with us.

Avada: What? No! I haven't gotten to finish my evil laugh yet!

Policeman: Listen, kid-

Avada: Kid? KID! I will have you know I haven't been a kid since I was ten! I don't even look ten anymore! See, I grew! I un-midgeted myself!

Policeman :into walkie-talkie: Gary, this one's a forty-two niner. I'm gonna need a double fourteen with a spin.

Avada: Stop talking in freaky police language! What does that even mean?

Gary: Stop talking in freaky fake police language, Bob. You know you just do it to sound like those guys on Cops. What the hell is a double fourteen with a spin?

Policeman: Fine. Gary, this one's a delusional freak who's been talking to books again. Something like "It's okay to be gay, Draco," or something like that. I'll need a double fou- I mean, a straightjacket here, pronto.

Avada: You'll never take me alive, coppers!

:jumps out window:

Policeman: Three…two…one.

:thump:

Avada: DAMN IT, THAT HURTS!