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A/N: Oh my God! Over 400 reviews! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Last chapter got 30 reviews, the most I've ever gotten for one chapter! I love you all so much! Special thanks to Sirius Blaak, who went back and reviewed every chapter.

Disclaimer: Nothin's mine. I think that was the shortest A/N I've ever written.

No-One Understands Draco Malfoy

Voldemort entered the Malfoy Manor warily. "What the hell is that noise?" he asked suspiciously, peering around a corner as if the person making the loud, anguished sobbing sound was sitting there. "Narcissa pull out a hair while brushing again?"

"Nah," Lucius said, "although that DID happen last week. We had to vacate the premises, she was crying so loud. Draco just went through a bad breakup."

It took all of Voldemort's years of training to be evil and cover up his emotions not to snort derisively at this. "Oh," he said. "Well, is he… okay?"

Lucius rolled his eyes. "I don't know. I yelled at him and told him I'd kick his scrawny ass to Jupiter if he didn't stop crying, because Malfoys don't cry, but surprisingly, it didn't seem to console him."

"Odd," Voldemort mused. "Are you sure?"

"Positive. Listen to him, bawling like a baby."

Voldemort listened, and it wasn't difficult to hear sobs of despair echoing through the Manor.

"Oi! Draco! Come down!" Lucius hollered. "Voldemort's over!"

A few minutes later, a gloomy-looking Draco clad in a lavender robe slumped downstairs.

"What's that in your hand?" Voldemort asked.

"This?" Draco asked, holding up a piece of parchment. "It's a poem I wrote. Would you like to hear it?"

"No," Voldemort said.

But Draco had already cleared his throat. "A Poem. By Draco Malfoy."

Voldemort covered his eyes and sighed.

"Today, I was sad

Almost as sad as the time that Moody turned me into a ferret,

Because as a ferret I wasn't sexy and that's bad,

I hate that Moody bastard

I'm going to kill him.

Except it wasn't really Moody, it was Crouch

And Aunt Bella liked Crouch

Plus, I can't kill a guy with no soul

That's just unethical.

But if I could, I'd kill him.

The end."

Draco looked up. "Well?"

Voldemort glanced at him. "To be honest, Draco, that stunk."

Draco burst into tears. "No-one appreciates my talent!" he sobbed.

Lucius awkwardly patted his son on the back. "That's not true, Draco. I'm sure what's-his-name appreciates them. What was his name…"

"Who?" Voldemort asked. "The ex-boyfriend? Wasn't it Bob?"

"It was Everett!" Draco howled.

"Easy to get the two mixed up," Voldemort defended.

"Anyways, Draco, I'm sure you'll find another good, er… man… soon," Lucius continued. "What's our motto?"

"Being a Malfoy means being the sexiest beast we can be," Draco repeated dutifully.

"Exactly! Great-great-great-great-great grandpa Abidjan Malfoy didn't make that up for nothing!"

"Dad, Great-great-great-great-great grandpa Abidjan Malfoy got run over by a carriage carrying the love of his life who was screwing his brother when he made that up."

Narcissa came into the room, and fluffed her son's hair. "How's my Drakey-wakey-diddy-dums?" she asked.

"Tip-toppety, Mum," Draco replied gloomily.

She looked at him. "Draco, what's the matter? Did Porpy forget to give you some warm milk last night? You have dark circles under your eyes."

Draco's cheeks turned slightly pink. "Mum!" he hissed. "I don't drink warm milk."

Narcissa giggled. "Of course you don't!" she whispered loudly, winking at him. "Don't worry Draco! They won't think you're not cool! You're always Number One with me, anyways!"

Draco contemplated throwing himself out the window.

"Oh, I nearly forgot, dear," she said, getting up and walking towards the kitchen. "You'll want to get started on your Christmas list before Santa starts buying gifts! Maybe you can get another Betsy-Wetsy doll like last year! But this time, do remember to clean up her used diapers, honey."

Draco stood up and unconsciously started towards the window.

"Oh, for heavens sake, Draco, get away from the window," Lucius said. "Suicide is not the answer."

Voldemort sniggered. "Maybe you and Betsy-Wetsy can talk it over?"

"I hate you," Draco told his mother. "I'm going over to Goyle's house. At least he understands me!"

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"… and then, he said that he wanted to see other people! I was stunned, of course. I thought he was going to ask me to meet his parents, for God's sake, and then he just dumped me." Draco blew his nose loudly.

A few drops of saliva fell out of Goyle's open mouth, while he sat, cross-eyed, trying to see his forehead.

"I'm so glad you get me, Greg," Draco said, sniffling. "No-one understands me!" He opened his arms for a hug.

Goyle was now trying to see his chin

"Oh, for Merlin's sake Goyle, you barely speak English. Why I'm talking to you is beyond me," Draco snapped, snatching up his purse and storming out of the Goyle house.

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Girls, Draco decided, understood him a lot better than guys. Marissa was being very sympathetic, unlike some other people.

"That's horrible, Draco!" she said, nodding. "He had no right to hurt you like that."

"I'm glad you see it my way," he said.

"You know, I was talking to Pansy this morning, and she recommended this great self-help book to me-"

"Pansy?" Draco asked. "Pansy Parkinson? You're in contact with Pansy Parkinson?"

"Yeah," Marissa said, giving him a quizzical look. "Why?"

"Because that-that-that scarlet woman was the one who introduced me to Everett! I'm going to kill her! And you!"

"Why me?" she asked, but he had already Disapparated.

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"Mmm," he heard someone say, "Ooh, yes."

Draco threw open the door to Pansy's study- and was very unprepared for what he saw.

Pansy spun around and stared at him. "Draco! What are you doing here!" she asked, straightening her blouse and fixing the hem of her skirt.

"I don't believe you!" he howled.

The man next to her wiped lipstick off of his face and zipped up his jeans. "Er... um…"

"I don't want to hear it!" Draco snarled. "When you said it was a bigger problem than me- I had no idea- never would have guessed-"

"I can explain," Everett said, nervously putting his shirt on.

"You dumped me! I was inconsolable! And then you went and- and snogged Pansy! Is that right?"

"Pretty much, yeah," said Everett, who had apparently recovered from his initial shock.

"And you! Pansy! I've known you for seventeen years! And you kissed my gay ex-boyfriend!"

"That's not true, Draco!" Pansy yelled.

"Not true? I caught you!"

"No, I mean about him being gay. I'd never snog a gay guy. He's straight."

Draco blinked back tears. "I- I have to go." He ran out of the room and apparated back to Marissa's.

"Well?" she said. "Did you kill Pansy?"

"No," he mumbled.

"Let me guess. You walked in on her snogging Everett."

Draco looked up in amazement. "How did you know? Are you a Seer? Can you predict my future? Will I get married? How many kids will I have?"

"Draco, I'm not a Seer."

"Then how did you know that Pansy was with Everett? Are you magic?"

"No, Draco, I'm a Muggle," she said sarcastically.

"Really?" he asked. "I've never met a Muggle before! Well, I had a Muggle turtle once. His name was Alfred. Are all Muggles named Alfred?"

"God, Draco, I was joking. No, I know because Pansy's my friend."

"Do you have psychic friend vision?" Draco asked excitedly.

"No. She told me that she was seeing him."

Draco's face crumpled. "When?"

"Three months ago."

Draco burst into tears and collapsed on her floor.

"No wonder he didn't want to date you, wuss," Marissa muttered.

"What?" Draco asked tearfully.

"Nothing. Draco, why don't you go home?"

"Why?"

"Because no-one in their right mind wants to see you longer than they have to."

"That h-hurts my feelings," Draco said, on the verge of a breakdown.

"Oh, deal," she said.

"Fine." Draco angrily Apparated back home and began to write more angsty poetry.

I hate everyone.

Die, die, die.

No-one understands me.

I'm misunderstood.

Die, die.

People think I'm weird.

I'm just different.

And superior.

Die.

Draco showed his poem to his father. "Isn't it good?"

Lucius stared at it. "And you said my poetry was crap. Draco, that's the most dreadful thing ever written, including your first-year essay on why Hogwarts should add another class, called 'Draco Appreciation'"

"I got a ten on that!" Draco said defensively.

"Out of a hundred!"

"I HATE YOU!" Draco screamed. "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! THEY ALL THINK I'M FREAKY, BUT I'M REALLY JUST BETTER THAN THEM! NOBODY GETS ME! ANGST! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME! ANGST!"

Lucius slowly backed away.

"ANGST!" Draco yelled a final time, and stormed up to his room.

"When did he learn to speak German?" Lucius asked, frowning at the stairs.

A/N: First person to tell me in their review what Lucius meant by his last line gets a special mention in an upcoming chapter!

Don't we all feel bad for Draco? Let's review and make him feel better!

Draco: … so I was like, "Oh my gosh! You're cheating on her with Betty?" and he was like, OMG, no! And I was all, "Oh, my God."

Lucius: No way! Oh em gee!

Draco: Like, yeah!

Avada Cruimperio: Like, oh my gosh, what are we talking about?

Draco::scowls: You just want me to convince those-those readers to review, don't you?

Avada: Yeah. How'd you know?

Draco: We're talking in script format.

Lucius: Ah.

Avada: Well?

Draco: Well what?

Avada: Convince them to review!

Draco: No way.

Avada::holds up picture of Draco as a baby, wearing a pink frilly dress and playing with a doll:

Blaise: That explains so much.

Draco: Shut up! That was my - uh… sister! Dracolina!

Avada: Dracolina.

Draco: Yes.

Lucius: Huh? Draco, you don't have a sister.

Draco: Shut up! Fine. Please review. It makes everyone happy, and you get a nice review response back, too.

Avada: READ VOLDEMORT AND HIS FAITHFUL DEATH EATERS'S LARKS by ECCENTRIC BANSHEE!

:end blatant advertising for friend's Death Eater fic:

Draco: Bitch! You threw me off topic! Review!