A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I hope this makes up for it! Happy holidays, everyone! And if you're not celebrating anything then… happy winter (or summer)!
Also: My wonderful beta, ciararocks, has a The OC/HP crossover fic. It's really good! Check out Chrismukkah at Hogwarts!
IMPORTANT: I have a new story up! It's called Bah, Hippogriff! and it's my version of A Christmas Carol, Harry Potter style. It's got comedy and drama and I think it's one of my best serious works ever. I'd love it if you all check it out!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Merry Christmas/Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwanzaa/Happy New Year!
A Very Merry Death Eater Christmas...Er, Holiday
Voldemort strode into the living room and surveyed the scene. "Hang that banner up higher, Goyle," he instructed. "Crabbe, your 'Merry Christmas' sign is upside-down."
He sighed. He loathed today - December 24th. Naturally, no one had remembered to decorate for the Christmas party until the day before the event, so he was stuck setting up with Tweedledum and Tweedledumber. And he still hadn't gotten gifts for anyone, but it wasn't that hard to pick things out - a bow for Lucius, an axe for Macnair, new waterproof jeans for Peter, and maybe some blood for Snape.
"This is stupid," Snape remarked, walking through the door and sneering at the mistletoe over his head, "Isn't Christmas supposed to be about doing good for others and joining hand-in-hand with your neighbors and singing? Can you see any of us singing?"
"Or doing good, for that matter," Voldemort replied. "Goyle! 'Holidays' is spelt H-O-L-I-D-A-Y-S, not W-H-O-L-L-I-D-A-I-Z."
"But doesn't W-H make an H sound?" asked a confused Goyle.
"Only if you're a whore," replied Voldemort
Snape glanced at the walls and blanched at the sight of so much color.
"And I thought it was bad when he painted the halls magenta," he muttered. "Voldemort, we're evil. Why the hell do you keep using festive shades?"
"Because they're pretty," Draco answered for him.
"You know," Voldemort said conversationally, "my birthday's next week."
Everyone froze.
"It is?" asked Rodolphus.
"And are you… expecting gifts?" asked Snape.
"Or a party?" inquired Draco.
"Or a cake?" added Lucius, who looked extremely excited at the prospect of baking.
"All that and more," Voldemort said, stringing some tinsel up on the collapsible Christmas tree.
Everyone stared at each other.
"I have to go-"
"Must leave-"
"The wife wants me home-"
"Have to buy your presents-"
Everyone glared at Wormtail.
"I mean, have to buy Christmas presents," he corrected.
Snape gave a satisfied nod and they all rushed out of the room.
They huddled in the kitchen.
"Okay," Snape directed, "Draco, you go out and buy one big present from all of us and some candy. Have it gift-wrapped at the store, because if you do it yourself, Voldemort will open a present covered in old pages of Teen People."
Draco scowled but left.
"Lucius, you go and buy big signs that say "Happy Birthday" and some black crepe paper."
Lucius nodded and Disapparated.
"Ro, you and Bella can go back into the room and pretend like nothing's wrong. I'm going to go get cake," Snape finished.
"But what about me?" Peter whined. "I want to do something!"
"Fine, Peter, you can get the cake. But I'm warning you now - if it's got Barbie, Elmo, or Kermit on it, you're dead."
Peter scurried off.
Snape and the Lestranges walked back into the living room.
"Hi!" said Rodolphus. "We didn't forget your birthday!"
Voldemort eyed them oddly, but said nothing.
"So, how's the decorating going?" Ro asked. "Must be tough for a guy your age - say, how old are you turning?"
"I'll be seventy-two in a week," Voldemort said.
"Great!" Rodolphus said. "Psst! Bellatrix!" he whispered loudly. "Go find Peter and tell him to put 72 on the cake!"
"What was that?" Voldemort asked.
"Um… I said, go find a liter and… smell it to put levenedy-poo on my cake…"
Voldemort inched slowly away from Ro.
Bellatrix stared at her husband with a look of disgust on her face.
"Thank Merlin you two don't have any offspring," Snape muttered.
"Yeah, Rodolphus," Voldemort said. "Why don't you and Bella have any kids?"
"Because the stork didn't give us any, duh!" Rodolphus said.
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"Merry Christmas!" Voldemort said to Rodolphus as he walked in the door to the Christmas party.
"Happy Hanukkah," Rodolphus said.
"I'm not Jewish," said Voldemort, frowning.
"Well, I am," said Rodolphus.
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Lestrange isn't a very Jewish name."
"It was on my mother's side. Goldstein."
Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Happy Hanukkah, then. Happy?"
"Yes," Rodolphus said.
After everyone had arrived, Snape cleared his throat. "Attention, please!"
Everyone looked his way.
"Today, we have a special surprise. In addition to it being Christmas, next week it's our dear Dark Lord's birthday. Happy birthday, Voldemort!"
Someone turned off the lights as Peter walked into the room, carrying a cake with what seemed to be hundreds of lit candles on it.
"Happy birthday to you!" Draco began to sing, and everybody joined in.
"Make a wish, and blow the candles out!" Narcissa squealed.
Voldemort closed his eyes and blew.
"Er… keep going," Snape said.
Voldemort huffed and puffed at the cake for about five minutes until all the candles went out.
Voldemort looked at the cake as the lights went back on. "Happy Anniversary, George and Marla?" he read.
"It was the only one left," Peter said sheepishly.
Snape glared at him. "Open your present, Voldemort!" he said.
Voldemort threw off the wrapping paper of a large box. "Wow!" he said, holding up his gift. "A new… pair of earmuffs…"
"This is the part where you say how much you love them," Lucius whispered.
"WHAT DIPSHIT GOT ME EARMUFFS?" Voldemort roared.
Everyone pointed at Draco.
"CRUCIO!"
Draco ducked, and the curse hit a mirror and shattered it into a million pieces.
"Tsk, tsk," clucked Lucius. "Bad luck for seven years, Voldy!"
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A half-hour later, after Lucius had regained consciousness, everyone else began to open their presents.
Macnair lovingly caressed his new machete.
Draco pulled on his new pink sweater. "I love it! Did you knit it yourself, Snape?"
Snape was busy staring at his gift. "Voldemort, did you buy me blood?"
"It's… uh… red wine."
"I will have you know," Snape said, fuming, "that J.K. Rowling specifically stated on her website that I am not a vampire. Yes, I may be pale, but is it my fault that I have sensitive skin and can't go out tanning?"
Everyone shuddered at the mental picture of Snape in a bathing suit.
"I'm bored," said Lucius.
"Let's get drunk," suggested Rodolphus.
"No can do, we already did that back in Chapter Eight," Bellatrix reminded them.
"Oh yeah… hey, Draco, I bet I can chug more eggnog than you can!" Ro challenged.
"No!" Voldemort intervened. "Does anyone else remember The Great Eggnog Debacle of '79? I spent six weeks cleaning it all out of the carpet!"
"Fine," Rodolphus muttered. "Well, I say we gift-wrap Peter to the tree again! Who's in?"
"No!" Peter squeaked, and ran out of the room, changing into his rat from as he left, leaving only a pile of clothes behind.
"Ew," said Lucius. "Am I the only one that realizes he'll be naked when he changes back?"
A/N: Happy holidays! Here's a little review skit to remind you to review. Just a note: after this chapter, the review skits will be randomly inserted, not in every single one, unless like EVERYONE protests and says I must put them in every chapter.
Snape: It's not bloody fair! In every Harry Potter story you write, I'm always in it! And you make me do the most ridiculous things! I was Glinda, the Good Witch; a freaky lady pursued me on rainbows; and NOW I'm Scrooge in your version of A Christmas Carol?
Avada Cruimperio: Yes, yes, but in Bah, Hippogriff! you get to be bitchy and hateful.
Snape: Really?
Avada: Yes.
Snape: No slash? No Harry's father? I'm not secretly working for the Order after all?
Avada: You got it.
Snape: THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!
Avada: Hey, you know what would be the best holiday gift I could get? If everyone reading this right now reviewed. Thanks a million, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!