A/N: Wow! I'm 20 reviews away from 500! I'll probably cry when I hit that landmark, mind you. 500 reviews in 25 chapters… -sighs wistfully-

Again, I am so sorry about the wait! I swear it won't be that long again, and to compensate today or tomorrow I'll be posting a mini-chapter on my LiveJournal (link is in my profile). It won't be here on the site though, so go to my LiveJournal to read it!

This chapter features a cameo appearance from I am a Banana, because she won my "What does 'angst' have to do with German" competition. She was right in saying that "angst" (a word often used describing certain fanfiction stories and Harry in OotP) is German for anger. See, you learned something new today!

ALSO: I put up a fun new one-shot called Committing Sue-cide. It's a funny parody. Check it out! Andfor those of you who read Bah, Hippogriff, don't worry, a new chater will be out soon.

Lucius Malfoy Has Rabies

The Death Eaters sat down to their lovely annual New Year picnic in Australia.

"I hate how she words things," grumbled Snape. "'Lovely annual picnic' - makes us all sound like Draco…"

Draco sent Snape a sneer to rival the potion master's own.

Snape threw back a look that made Peter nearly wet his new waterproof jeans.

Voldemort reached inside the picnic basket for a piece of cake. "Damn! We're out! I'm just going to apparate over to the nearest grocery store to steal some more. I'll be back soon."

"Get chocolate," Rodolphus advised. "Last time you got a fruitcake. Ew." He shuddered at the recollection.

Lucius was busy staring at a small, furry animal. "Dude, what is this?" he asked no one in particular.

Bellatrix looked up at her brother-in-law and smirked, prodding her husband in the side. "Look," she muttered.

Lucius reached out to pet the creature.

"Don't touch it!" Rodolphus shouted. "It might have-"

The mammal bit down, hard, on Lucius's hand. "Ow!" he shrieked, and suddenly shook in convulsions. He rolled around on the ground, screaming in some unintelligible language. He grabbed at his hair and pulled at his clothes. He went onto all fours, his once long, beautiful hair now beating Harry Potter's for most uncontrollable 'do in the Wizarding world, and clad in only a loincloth.

"-rabies," Rodolphus finished, sighing.

Lucius growled at them.

"What the bloody hell is rabies?" Draco asked.

"It's some Muggle disease that we can cure in about a minute," Snape explained.

They heard a choking sound coming from their right, and they all turned, expecting Lucius to be strangling a cat or something, but it was Bellatrix, rolling on the ground in laughter, tears of mirth rolling down her face.

"What is it?" Snape snapped.

"That- that's not a Muggle disease," she cackled, attempting to sit up.

"What is it, then?" Rodolphus asked.

"It's wizard rabies!" she shrieked joyfully.

Snape and Rodolphus exchanged horrified glances.

"I thought you said we could cure it in like, fifteen seconds," Draco said.

"That was Muggle rabies," Snape said. "Not wizard rabies."

"So?"

"So, there's been over two hundred recorded cases of wizard rabies, and of them, only one person has been cured, and it was over seven hundred years ago. And it was only cured by a random flock of butterflies giving birth on the man's head," Snape explained.

"So, Dad's going to be like this forever?" Draco asked, dismayed.

"It's possible," Snape said.

"Isn't it too great?" Bellatrix asked.

Voldemort apparated back. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Lucius has rabies," Snape said shortly.

"Oh," Voldemort said. "I guess this is a bad time to tell you they're out of cake." He held up a package. "I hope you all like fruitcake."

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"Well," said the Healer, Banana, peering at Lucius, "there is definitely something wrong with him."

"No, really?" said Snape sardonically. "If we wanted an overview of Lucius's mental state, we could have done that ourselves."

Banana scowled at them. "Fine. If you don't want the cure for wizard rabies, which just so happens to be in my pocket, then go ahead and leave."

"No, no, we're – wait, what?" asked Rodolphus. "There is no cure!"

"I've been working on it since I was three," Banana said, eyes gleaming. She reached inside her coat and drew out a small flask that was holding a purple liquid. "You're looking at the Rabies Remedy – the only medicine in the entire history of the world that can cure wizard rabies. I've got some on my desk, too, but that's it."

Peter frowned as he noticedsomethingthat was bothering him."Miss Healer-Banana, you've got some food in your hair." He turned to reach over and brush it off.

"No!" cried Banana. "Don't touch me!" She instinctively jumped back as Peter reached for her, and his hand missed her head.

It hit the potion.

Banana groaned as the remedy hit the floor and shattered. "I've got some more on my desk," she said wearily. "Let me fill up another flask."

"I'm so sorry!" cried Wormtail. "Let me help!" He bounded over to the cauldron.

"No!" cried Banana.

"What?" he said, turning to face her. His shoulder swiped the side of her desk, and everything on it fell down to the floor with a spectacular thud.

"NO!" screamed Banana. "My life's work! Gone!" She fell to her knees and began to sob.

"Um, how long would it take to make a new potion?" Draco asked nervously, as his father attempted to eat his shirt.

"Eighteen years," she wept. "You!" She glared at Peter. "You! You destroyed it! I'll – I'll kill you!" She drew out her wand. "Avada-"

"Time to go!" Snape said quickly, and they all Disapparated.

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"Well, what now?" asked Rodolphus, as Lucius wrestled with an old refrigerator box on the floor, tore it to shreds, and began to bark.

"It's going to be awfully hard to have arabid Lucius for eighteen years without Narcissa noticing," Peter pointed out unnecessarily.

"We could try talking to him," Snape suggested. "Maybe our voices will come through to him and he'll cure himself."

"I'll do it!" Bellatrix said immediately.

Draco was not sosure this was a good idea.

For the second time in his life, he was right.

Bellatrix bent down and began whispering in her brother-in-law's ear, struggling to keep the smirk off of her face as she did so.

She straightened up a few seconds laterand made some excuse about using the bathroom as she dashed out of the room, unsuccessfully containing her laughter.

Lucius dragged himself on all fours over to Voldemort, where he stood up and leaned in close to the Dark Lord's face.

"Lucius," Voldemort said slowly and clearly. "It is I –"

Draco sniggered.

Voldemort threw him one of his famous shut-up-or-I'll-Avada-Kedavra-your-arse looks and continued. "It is I, Lord Voldemort. Do you, Lucius Malfoy, not recognize and comprehend the most glorious face of your master?"

"Kind of hard to forget his look, isn't it?" whispered Rodolphus. "Most other people in the world have noses."

Lucius's expressions changed from that of mental retardation to a semi-human appearance. He opened his mouth to respond – Draco squealed in delight – Lucius leaned in closer –

And began to lick Lord Voldemort's face.

"Ewww!" screamed the Dark Lord in an extremely feminine manner. "Draco, get your bloody mutt of a father off me before I chop off his head with a kitchen knife!"

Draco hurriedly pulled Lucius off of him.

"I need to go wash my face," Voldemort announced. "When I come back downstairs, in –" he checked his watch "a half-hour, Lucius better either be normal, or dead." He strutted out of the room in a highly dignified manner for someone with Lucius Slobber all over his nose.

Bellatrix came back in, still chuckling. "Merlin, I laughed so hard I think I bruised a rib or something."

"So… what are we going to do?" asked Draco.

"Kill Lucius?" suggested Bellatrix.

"No!" cried Draco.

"Have any better ideas?" Bellatrix smirked, raising an aristocratic eyebrow in such a manner that Draco was slightly jealous of her ability.

"Um… maybe…" Draco mumbled, staring at his trainers.

Rodolphus snapped his fingers. "I've got it! We go into the future, grab a Rabies Remedy, and bring it back with us!"

"And how are you planning on getting into the future?" Draco asked.

Rodolphus shrugged. "I'll steal a Time Turner."

"Is it really necessary to remind you that Potter and his friends smashed the Ministry's entire stock of Time Turners three years ago?" Snape asked. "Were you not captured and hauled to Azkaban after the incident?"

Rodolphus flushed red. "That – that's irrelevant to the situation," he muttered.

Everyone sat in silence, thinking, for about fifteen minutes, until Draco jumped up, cried "Eureka!", and danced a jig around the couch.

"What is it?" asked Wormtail.

"Okay, so you know how in like, stuff, two negatives make a positive?"

Everyone stared blankly.

"Why not make that thing that gave Dad rabies bite him again?" Dracofinished triumphantly.

"Well, if you want a dead father, go ahead," said Rodolphus. "You think that hasn't been tried before? Germany, 1252, Hans Glofenheimer, bitten by a half-Knarl, half-raccoon, got bit by it again, died in fifty-two seconds."

"Oh," Draco replied sheepishly. "Er, never mind."

Bellatrix was now laughing so hard everyone thought she was having a seizure.

"This is too pathetic!" she sobbed. "Didn't any of you pay attention in seventh year Care Of Magical Creatures?"

"Who takes Care Of Magical Creatures?" Rodolphus asked.

"I did," replied Bellatrix haughtily. "I've trained dark creatures, everything from dragons to giants. I've assisted us the most with setting Muggle villages on fire or getting them trampled."

"Get to the point, Bella, before I Avada you," warned her husband.

"I can't believe I'm about to tell you this," she muttered. "This is only out of my love for Narcissa, understand? I don't want her to get stuck in Saint Mungo's because of the stupidity of her husband."

Everyone nodded.

She sighed. "In seventh year Care Of Magical Creatures, you learn the spell used to counter wizard rabies. It's quite simple, actually."

"But-but-but!" spluttered Draco. "That-that Banana chick, she-she said there's no cure!"

"She said she had the only medicine. And Snape thought there was no cure because this spell's never been recorded," Bellatrix explained.

"Well, why the bloody hell not?" demanded Snape.

"Because approximately one-half of the time it's used, the person who the spell is cast upon irreversibly combusts," Bellatrix clarified. "Oh, I do hope that happens. Seeing Lucius on fire, with no way to put it out would completely make up for the guilt I'm feeling for having told you all this."

"Just tell us the bloody spell," Draco said angrily. "And if he lights on fire, then I'm going to kill you. Slowly. Painfully. You will hate it."

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "Fine." She pointed her wand at Lucius. "Pouletius."

Lucius turned into a giant chicken.

"Oh. Crap. Sorry about that." Bellatrix didn't sound very sorry at all. "It's reversible." Her tone added what had gone unspoken – unfortunately.

She waved her wand and muttered something, and Lucius was again a rabid human. She closed her eyes, spun around in a circle seven times, jabbed her wand between Lucius's eyes, and screeched, "Rouletius!"

Lucius straightened up, and looked around. "What the bloody hell is going on?" he asked. "Last thing I remember is petting a furry skateboard."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Dad, please go fix your hair."

Lucius looked in the mirror and fainted.

"Is he dead?" Bellatrix asked eagerly.

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"No, he's not dead, dear. He's alive and back to normal," Rodolphus told his wife.

Bellatrix suddenly grinned again. "Normal, you say? Oh dear, did I forget to mention the side effects…"

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"I WANT A PET RACCOON AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW! GET ME A RACCOON OR ELSE!" Lucius screamed at Narcissa.

"Or else what?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips defiantly.

Lucius dropped onto his hands and knees and ran around Narcissa, snappingand biting ather ankles.

"AHH!" Narcissa screamed. "BELLATRIX LESTRANGE, I WILL KILL YOU!"

Bellatrix smirked. "I love my life."

Review skit! Back to stay by much popular demand!

How Harry Defeated Voldemort

Hermione: Ugh, I can't believe we're cleaning out your attic, Ronald! Why do you have twenty-four ruffled dresses up here?

Ron: Uh…

Hermione: Never mind. I'll just transfigure this mouse in the corner into a wardrobe. Drobidium!

Harry: -evil grin-

XoX

Voldemort -working at his desk-

Harry: -rushes in-

Voldemort: Potter! What are you doing here?

Harry: Drobidium!

Voldemort, The Wardrobe: Well. This sucks.

Harry: I KEEL YOU! -raises ax, cuts Voldy, The Wardrobe in half-

Voldemort, The Dead Wardrobe: Things can't get much worse.

Harry: -sets Voldy on fire-

Voldemort, The Dead, Flaming Wardrobe: Well, at least there's nothing else he could do to me!

Lucius: -walks in and begins to model his new line of women's lingerie-

Voldemort, The Dead, Flaming, Nauseous Wardrobe: IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

Harry: Draco! Just the person I was looking for. Say, do you mind holding this years Death Eater ballet right here, right now?

Draco: Sure! Just let me get my tutu….

Voldemort, The Guy With Too Many Names: Is this some sinister plot to get me to make people review?

Harry: Actually, no, but if you want to, go ahead.

Voldemort: Oh, that's okay.

Harry: Shall I continue?

Voldemort: If you must.

Harry: All right. Hagrid, bring out the Blast-Ended Skewrts

And so it begins...