A/N: First off, I've gotten over fifty reviews since I posted the last chapter! Holy crap, guys, you are amazing and I love you all. Special mucho shout-outs to Yamiko Number for going back and reviewing EVERY CHAPTER and Siriusly Funny for reviewing nearly every chapter in one go. You all are spec-freakin-tacular.
Second, don't forget I posted a bonus chapter ONLY in my LiveJournal. My link is in my profile, or you can go to it here: (take out the spaces): www . avadacruimperio. livejournal. com. And also, remember that I've got another great story out called Bah, Hippogriff, starring our favorite Potions Master (and it's not Slughorn).
By the way, in real life, Paroxysmal Lupine is my bestest friend, Allie.
Disclaimer: Dudes, dudes… I'm not a successful writer with three children and millions of dollars. -sighs wistfully and stares out nonexistent window in basement-
The Death Eaters Play DodgeballSnape sighed. "I really wish I wasn't doing this right now."
Lucius grimaced. "We're going to get our arses whooped again," he said.
Draco neatly stepped out of his jeans, folded them, and placed them delicately in his gym locker. "Have some confidence, guys," he said. "We'll never win with that attitude."
Voldemort slammed his locker door shut. "Come on. Let's go."
Peter scurried into his workout uniform and scampered to the back of the crowd leaving the locker room.
Narcissa and Bellatrix joined the others as the Death Eaters grouped into a huddle.
"Okay," Voldemort said. "As captain of your team, I suppose I should give advice to you. Unfortunately, I am not the best at athletics. But I am incredible at planning tactics. So here's what we're going to do…"
Across the gym…
The females on the opposing team strode out to meet the males against the north side of the gym. Their captain immediately began whispering instructions to them, glancing every now and then at Voldemort and scowling.
Ludo Bagman cleared his throat. "Merlin, it's been too long since I last did this. Sonorus!"
His voice immediately magnified and the roaring crowd silenced except for the wave of a banner in the air-conditioned breeze.
"Hello!" Bagman cried. "And welcome to this year's annual DODGEBALL GAME!"
The spectators went wild, screaming, cheering, and clapping, until Bagman coughed again.
"For the Order of the Phoenix, I give to you: Hagrid! McGonagall! Moody! Jones! Lupin! Tonks! Shacklebolt! Weasley! Granger! Annnnd…. POTTER!"
Half the crowd stood up, screaming at the top of their lungs and waving posters. Snape caught sight of what seemed to be Potter's face blinking down from the stands several hundred times, and thought he heard a few women -and two men- yelling, "MARRY ME, HARRY!"
"Draco!" Snape hissed, snatching him back from the cheering Potter admirers. "Get back here! And stop proposing to the Boy-Who-Lived-For-Too-Long!"
"And now," Bagman continued, "for the Death Eaters, I give you: Macnair! Snape! Lestrange! Lestrange! Pettigrew! Malfoy! Malfoy! Malfoy! Mal-er, Zabini! And the all-powerful, all incredible, all FANTASTIC…. HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED!"
"How come I didn't get that?" Potter muttered to Weasley as ten bouquets of black roses landed at the Dark Lord's feet.
"Bet you he threatened to kill him, mate," Weasley said sympathetically, while a woman threw herself at Draco's feet. "Doesn't he swing the other way?"
"And we have a special surprise for you today!" Bagman continued.
"Veela?" Weasley asked excitedly.
"Cheerleaders!" Bagman screamed. "For the Order, please welcome- PAROXYSMAL LUPINE!"
A dark haired, Greek-looking girl rushed into the gym, wearing azure and silver robes and carrying pom-poms. "A WOO HOO!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"And for the Death Eaters-"
"Please not her, please not her," Snape prayed.
"-AVADA CRUIMPERIO!"
"Damn," Snape muttered.
Avada ran into the gym, wearing black robes and clutching blood red pom-poms, her hair tied up in a ponytail with a ribbon.
"BE AGGRESSIVE! BE-BE AGGRESSIVE! B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!" Avada yelled, swishing her pom-poms.
"Thank you, girls! Now, each team will retreat to their sides, behind the black taped line," Bagman added warningly as Rodolphus put a foot out.
Bagman swished his wand and fifteen balls appeared on the line separating the court in half. "When I blow my whistle, it will begin! You know the rules - if you're hit, you're out. You catch the ball - whoever threw it is out. No magic allowed." Bagman frowned. "I think that's it-"
"HEAD SAFETY!" Weasley bellowed.
"Oh, yes, very well then. If the ball hits you above the shoulders, the thrower is out. Are we clear, then? Yes? All right. On my whistle. Three… two… ONE!"
Phweet!
Peter, of course, was the first out. The second the whistle blew, Remus Lupin sprinted to the middle line, picked up a ball, and hurled it at the Animagus, screaming, "THAT WAS FOR LILY AND JAMES!"
Unfortunately, he was so wrapped up in his fury that he failed to notice Snape discreetly throwing a ball at him. It hit him smack in the stomach.
"Oh!" cried Bagman. "Lupin and Pettigrew are the first out! Nice try boys, head off to the side now…"
Ron Weasley was chucking any ball that came his way directly at Draco, who immediately whimpered and stepped quickly to the side to avoid the balls zooming past him. He tentatively reached down to grab one lying on the ground, when another of Weasley's crashed straight into his arse.
"No fair!" Draco whined.
Fourteen balls collided in his face at precisely the same time.
Draco huffed and strode daintily off to the side.
Every attack thrown at Hagrid seemed to bounce off of a sort of force field around him.
"That's not fair!" shrieked Lucius. "None'll hit the fat oaf!"
Bagman, who apparently was refereeing as well, gave a short blast on his whistle. "Penalty to the Death Eaters!" he yelled.
"YES!" Avada cried, waving her pom-poms and flicking her hair.
"WHAT!" roared half of the audience.
"Well, entering Hagrid, who so obviously would automatically win, is cheating. So… penalty to the Death Eaters and Hagrid, you're out. Sorry, old bloke." Bagman clarified.
Bellatrix grabbed a ball and pitched it at Hermione Granger, who barely had time to bat an eyelash before it crashed into her leg.
"TOUCHDOWN!" roared Avada.
"And Granger's out! The game resumes!" cried Bagman.
Macnair lobbed one at Shacklebolt, who caught it with ease. Macnair stormed off to the side as Kingsley threw it back at Rodolphus, who attempted to catch it, but dropped the ball.
"Another one bites the dust! The Death Eaters have got five players left and the Order has seven!"
Paroxysmal stuck her tongue out at her co-cheerleader. "We're winning!"
Avada mumbled a few choice words and "accidentally" hit her friend with her pom-poms.
Snape looked across the gym to lock eyes with none other than Minerva McGonagall, one of his former bosses. He sneered.
She attempted to sneer.
He laughed.
She glared sternly.
He chortled.
She got hit in the belly by a ball thrown by him.
She gave him her most ferocious "you-have-detention" stares as she walked off to sit on a bench next to Hagrid. She instantly recoiled upon taking a seat, waving a hand in front of her nose.
Snape snorted. Hadn't that ogre ever heard of deodorant?
Haven't you ever heard of shampoo? asked the annoying voice in the back of his head that reminded him of James Potter.
He scowled, and began to reply to himself when – WHAM - something smacked him in the face.
"HEAD SAFETY!" roared the black-wearing half of the crowd and Avada.
"Yes!" agreed Bagman. "McGonagall is out and Snape is in!"
Hestia Jones began storming up to the commentator/referee box to protest when a shot from Narcissa smacked her in the collarbone.
"Head safety!" she cried.
"Idiot, your collarbone isn't your head," Narcissa snarled.
Bagman nodded. "She's right. You were out of bounds anyways, though."
Hestia sniffed and sat down.
"It's five to five now!" Bagman cheered loudly.
Avada smirked at Paroxysmal. "See? We're TIED!"
Paroxysmal got to her feet and began cheering.
"Gimme an O!"
The crowd fell silent.
Bagman coughed loudly. "Well, it seems that Snape is faring quite well in this game - I say, what's this?"
Snape's body teetered on its feet and fell to the ground with a thunk. A mediwitch hurried over.
"Head injuries," she said at once. " Delayed reaction. Probably from McGonagall's ball to the face."
She magicked him onto a stretcher and he floated off of the court, a snarky expression on his face.
Blaise picked up two balls and threw them at Weasley, who ducked the first but not the second.
"And Weasley's GONE!" screamed Bagman.
"GOAAAL!" shrieked Avada.
Bagman stared at her. "GOAL?"
"What?" she asked.
He shook his head. "…never mind."
Mad-Eye Moody, who after the Hagrid incident, had removed his magical eye, was now half-blindly tossing balls at anyone. Usually, he hit a spectator, and on one unfortunately event, Avada, who had yelled at him for fifteen minutes straight before allowing him to continue with his game.
His ears still ringing with the author's threats, he let a ball fly and to his immense surprise, hit Lucius.
"I KNEW I'D GET YOU!" he growled. "You dirty, stinkin'-wait. Who'd I hit?"
"And Lucius Malfoy is gone!" Bagman commented.
"Oh. Right. I KNEW I'D GET YOU, YOU DIRTY, STINKIN' DEATH EATER!" Moody continued
"Oh, do shut up, Moody," Tonks said, her hair deep blue for the occasion. "Honestly, your obsession is a little - OUCH! AUNT NARCISSA! YOU BITCH!"
Narcissa smirked. "Sorry, dear."
Tonks huffed and stormed to the bench, carefully avoiding Hagrid, who now was attempting to take off his shirt.
The sisters, Bellatrix and Narcissa, stood next to each other, whispering and smirking in Moody's direction, not noticing, until Bagman blew his whistle, that a shot from Kingsley had hit both of them at the same time.
Blaise knew it was up to him. He took a deep breath, and threw a ball at the impaired Moody when he was looking away, easily getting the old ex-Auror out.
But Kingsley would prove difficult.
It was actually rather amazing what happened. Kingsley and Blaise both picked up a ball and threw it at each other at the same time.
And at the same time, it bounced off each other's head.
"Out - and OUT!" cried Bagman. "Now, we've got the real competition…"
Harry James Potter and Lord Voldemort stepped into the center of their respective side of the gym.
"It's showtime," muttered Potter.
"You're on, scum," retorted Voldemort.
"Yeah, right."
"Scared, Potter?"
"You wish."
Voldemort made the first attempt, and it failed dismally. His throw ricocheted off the wall and out the window.
"Ouch," muttered Avada.
Paroxysmal grinned gleefully.
Harry sighed and grabbed a ball.
Voldemort prepared to defend himself.
Harry tossed it.
It seemed to travel across the gym in slow motion, rising, descending, and then - hitting its mark.
The ball sank into Voldemort right below his waist.
He sunk to his knees in pain and screamed in agony while the Order supporters jumped up and cheered. Paroxysmal held her hand out and Avada miserably dumped five Galleons into it. The Order rushed onto the gym floor, lifting Harry, The-Boy-Who-Hit-Voldy-In-The-Balls onto their shoulders and dancing around.
"THIS IS WORSE THAN THE CRUCIATUS CURSE!" screamed Voldy.
"You know what's odd?" Lucius whispered. "Last week, he told me he didn't have anything down there, if you get what I'm saying."
"That is weird," Rodolphus agreed.
They shrugged.
Voldemort sobbed.
Avada screamed.
The Order cheered.
And fifteen goblins chased Ludo Bagman out of the gym and into the Sahara Desert.
REVIEW SKIT!
No… wait… review SONG!
To the tune of "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls.
Draco: If you wanna be Avada's favorite,
Lucius: You gotta do something nice!
Draco: Reviews last forever!
Lucius: They last longer than ri-ice!
Draco: If you wanna be Avada's favorite,
Lucius: You have got to review
Draco: It doesn't take that long!
Lucius: I don't know what rhymes with review!
Draco: Slam your praise down and write it all around!
Lucius: Slam your praise down and write it all around!
Draco: Slam your praise down a zig-zag, "Ahhhh."
Avada: That didn't even go in order. That didn't even rhyme!
Lucius: You know what rhymes? Marissa… and cheese.
Avada:…
Lucius: Review!