A/N: I owe the inspiration for this chapter to my wonderful beta ciararocks. When I was lost in Writer's-Block-Land (the folks there know me pretty well), she sent me a list of like, forty gazillion ideas, and I loved this one.

Disclaimer: I owneth not Harry Potter.

WARNING: This chapter, while funny, nearly teeters off of the far edge of the T rating. Innuendo galore. Remember at the sleepover where Peter found Lucius's condom? Yeah, if you could handle that, you can handle this.

There's Something about Peter

Peter Pettigrew had a secret.

He was sure he wasn't the first guy to have done this, and he wouldn't be the last. If you thought about it, you wouldn't really see anything wrong with it, he reasoned to himself. He certainly wasn't as bad as some guys. He could control his addiction. He could.

He was perfectly capable of staying in control.

Really.

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"Anyone notice anything… off… with Wormtail lately?" Lucius asked.

"Besides the fact that he's an Animagi coward who sold out his pathetic friends to save his life and, in doing so, inadvertently condemned himself to a life of evil known to us as normalcy?" Snape sneered.

"I said lately, Snape," Lucius retorted. "That's all been true for the last eighteen years."

Snape shrugged. "I don't particularly pay attention to the lives of beings lower down on the food chain than a hamster."

"No, I'm serious here, Snape. He's always drifting away during meetings, his eyes glazing over, him not paying any attention- you'd think he was eating a cupcake the way he's acting," Lucius commented.

Voldemort nodded in agreement. "You'd think he was on crack or something, the way he's being."

"Well, we know he's not doing drugs. If you say the word "hallucinogen" to him, he faints," Lucius recollected nostalgically.

"What could it be?" Rodolphus asked, tapping his temple thoughtfully, and wincing at the remnant of a hangover.

"I've got an idea," Lucius said. "How about we-"

"H-hi, guys," Peter stuttered, stumbling into the room.

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "Pull another all-nighter, Wormtail?"

Peter's eyes shot wide open at her remark, and he immediately focused his attention on the floor, muttering something like "lots of paperwork."

"I'll bet," Voldemort said lightly.

Peter froze. "What… did… you say?"

Voldemort frowned. "What? I know I gave you a bunch of papers to go through last night."

Peter visibly relaxed. "Oh. That."

"So, it's done?" Voldemort inquired.

"Yes," Peter said, lying through his teeth. In fact, he didn't even remember being given an assignment.

"Can I have it?"

"NO!" Peter yelled.

Everyone stared.

He paled and began to sweat nervously. "I-I mean, I left it at home."

"So Floo back and get it. I really need those documents, Wormtail."

"You know I have a motion sickness problem," he said, attempting to buy himself an excuse.

"Apparate?"

"You-you know, we r-really should have anti-Apparition wards on the place, in case P-Potter tries to break in," Peter said, pulling his answer out of the air.

"I suppose," Voldemort mused. "I'll have Dolohov work on that tomorrow. But in the meantime, you can go get those papers for me."

"But-" Peter stalled.

"Now."

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Peter Apparated with a loud pop into his living room, and glanced around nervously. Where was that work? He tried to remember what he had done last night after he had received it. A Pensieve would have been extremely useful at a time like this.

He sighed, and walked over to his desk, shuffling through a stack of newspapers and a bag of pretzels. Clearing away a couple of pens and a notebook, he opened a drawer and - there it was.

He yelped, slamming the cabinet shut and hurtling himself as far away from it as possible. Gasping, he tried to catch his breath. How could he have been so stupid?

Peter remembered now what had happened last night. He had gotten home, whistling and carrying the work under his arm. Setting it down on the desk, he had begun to open his drawers, looking for a highlighter, when he had come across them. Those - those videotapes. He didn't want to start with it, but… he had given into the temptation and, setting the timer for fifteen minutes, begun the activity that he swore he had under control.

Three hours later, he had made a mental note to get a new timer. Apparently that one didn't work.

After finally turning off that taboo tape, he realized that way too much time had gone by… and now his couch was absolutely covered in white gunk.

And then he had begun his work.

So, if his memory was correct, the paperwork should be on his desk. Then why hadn't he seen it there?

Was there more he was forgetting? He walked over to his desk, glancing at the mirror above it to see if anything in his reflection would jog his memory. He furrowed his brow in thought.

"Don't do that, dear, you look like you need a laxative," his mirror said, sounding suspiciously like his mother.

He blushed. "Do you, perhaps, know where I put some files last night?" he asked, feeling stupider by the second for talking to a piece of glass.

His mirror snorted derisively, switching from Mom's tone to Snape's. "You think I don't have better things to do than sit around and watch what you do?"

He shrugged. The Peter in the mirror rolled its eyes condescendingly.

He sighed, and headed into the kitchen for a sandwich. Nothing made him more alert than some good old PB&J. Unfortunately, in sixth year, he had cut his hand on the lid of a jelly jar, so now he ate those Smuckers Uncrustables - you know, the pre-made sandwiches that came in a crinkly wrapper. He ripped it open and tossed the packaging in the trashcan, when something caught his eye.

"Yes," he breathed, leaning over to the garbage, pulling out some very familiar pieces of paper, glancing at the first one quickly.

Lord Voldemort's Hit List

1. Harry Potter

2. Harry Potter

3. Every Weasley known to mankind, those stupid poor redheads

4. All Mudbloods

5. Harry Potter

6. Minerva McGonagall

7. All the Hogwarts ghosts (possible/not possible?)

8. Harry Potter

9. Avada Cruimperio

10. Stupid Ministry idiots

11. Harry Potter

12. Wormtail

Wormtail squeaked in excitement, not registering the fact that he was twelfth on his boss's hit list - actually, eighth if you only counted Harry Potter once. He rushed out the door, knocking a few videotapes and some of his unmentionable magazines off of his coffee table in the process. He apparated directly to Voldemort.

"I found it," he said breathlessly, shoving the paper over to the Dark Lord.

"Excellent, excellent," murmured Voldemort. "Now, Wormtail, um," he said, an expression on his face that said he'd clearly rather be skipping in a daisy field, "why don't we have a game of chess, eh?"

Rodolphus snickered. "We'll be going," he said, and he, Lucius, and Snape hastily disapparated.

"Wow," Ro said, taking in the view of Wormtail's apartment. "When was the last time he cleaned?"

"Shut up," Snape said, "and listen. You all know the plan? Wormtail'll be distracted for around two hours. We have until then to find whatever it is he's hiding."

"It won't take us that long," Lucius said quietly.

"Why not?"

"Because," Lucius said, holding up one of the magazines the frenzied Wormtail had knocked off of his table, "I already have."

He displayed to them a copy of a magazine that no man in his right mind would have left lying around.

"Is that what I think it is?" Snape asked, shaken. "That's Wormtail's magazine? He's into that - that… stuff?"

"I'm afraid so," Ro said heavily. "Look at this video. Ten Ways To Reach Your Biggest- ugh. I can't finish reading the rest of that title."

"That's despicable," Snape spat.

"There's more. See? He's ever got a poster," came Lucius's muffled voice from Peter's bedroom.

"We need to confront him on this," Ro said.

Snape nodded. "Let's go."

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"And… checkmate!" cried Voldemort for the fourteenth time in a row.

"Damn," Peter sighed dejectedly.

Three simultaneous pops were heard, and Lucius, Rodolphus, and Snape burst into the room.

"Oh, Peter," sighed Lucius sadly.

"We know," hissed Snape.

"Kn-know what?" Peter asked nervously.

"Your dirty little secret," Ro explained.

Peter gasped. "You- you mean… you found my tapes?"

"And your magazines," added Snape.

"And your poster."

"And the books."

"And the CD."

"Well?" Voldemort said anxiously. "Spill!"

"Peter, I think you need to tell him," Lucius said solemnly.

"Okay," Peter said gulping. "I-I'm addicted to…"

"To drugs?" suggested the Dark Lord.

"No," Peter said. "In my spare time, I like to read magazines, and watch movies, and read books, and stare at posters of…"

"Of?"

Peter summoned some objects. "This should tell you all you need to know."

Voldemort caught the tape that Ro had been unable to finish reading the title of, a magazine, and a poster.

Ten Ways to Reach Your Biggest Tree Trunk - Where to Place Your Birdhouse. Special Feature Inside - Watch the Tape as You Build a Birdhouse! White Glue Included.

Birdhouses Weekly.

A poster with a tree full of birdhouses on it.

Voldemort fell to his knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Review Skit!

Draco: Last night,I had a dream.

Avada Cruimperio: Did you findyourself in a desert called Cyberland?

Draco: Um, no.

Avada: Okay, go on.

Draco: I dreamt that legions of minions under the alias of "reviewers" stalked me, broke into my house and stole a bunch of my stuff.

Avada: Well, you know what that means. It means that if you review, I'll let you into Draco's house and you can take his stuff.

Draco: -is crushed under stampede of fans rushing to Malfoy Manor-

Avada: I thought so.