A/N: Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I know, I know I haven't updated in forever. Life has been hellish lately. End of school, and now I'm taking a theatre summer school course, cramming in a full semester in 17 days. It's been really, really hectic lately. On the bright side, I now have my own laptop, and you can definitely expect another update before August- July 27th is the one-year anniversary of this story, so I'll be updating then. Know what would be absolutely amazing? If I could get to 700 reviews by the anniversary. –sigh-

IMPORTANT: I'm offering you all a chance to guest-star in the next chapter. For more details, please visit my LiveJournal (the link is in my profile).

And to my fellow Americans: happy 4th of July!

Disclaimer: This chapter was inspired by my theatre teacher. I don't own her, or Harry Potter, as I'm sure you know.

"How you stand is imperative in acting. Don't fold your arms- we want to see your hands. Don't hide them away like that weird uncle you have that you don't want anyone to know about."- Cynthia Lynch, Avada Cruimperio's theatre teacher.

Lord Voldemort's Weird Uncle That He Doesn't Want Anyone To Know About

Voldemort was having quite a lovely dream, if he did say so himself. He had captured Potter, and was making him do the chicken dance as he clucked.

"Pa-kaw! Pa-kaw! Rrring! Rrring!" Potter screeched.

"No, you ignorant fool, chickens don't ring," Voldemort said irritably.

"Rrrring! Rrriing!" Potter called insistently.

Everything became blurry. He realized he had woken up, and it had not been Potter ringing, but the telephone.

Voldemort glanced blearily at the clock, noting it was two forty-seven in the morning as he picked up the phone.

"What?" he said grumpily.

"Heidi-ho, Voldemort!" a voice sang cheerfully.

"Who is this?"

"After all these years, you don't recognize my voice? It's me, Uncle Minty!"

Voldemort groaned. "Why aren't you dead yet?"

Uncle Minty paid no heed to his nephew's violent mutterings. "How've you been doing, old chap?"

"Until you called, my life had been quite pleasant. Now I'm contemplating hanging myself."

"Well, don't! Then I won't get to see you!"

Voldemort froze in the middle of tying a loop in the rope he was holding. "What?"

"That's right! I'm visiting."

The phone fell to the floor with a loud clunk.

Voldemort stared at the receiver as his uncle continued talking obliviously. "I figure I'll be there for a while. Damn landlord threw me out again- said that five nudist parties a week was unacceptable, so I moved in with your grandma, except Ma and I don't really get along that well- she said that my Bozo imitations were crap, and she kept wanting me to rub her bunions, so I packed up and went to see Dumbledore- did you know he's dead? That lady with the glasses, McGonorrhea or whatever-"

"Uncle Minty," Voldemort said loudly, picking up the phone, "as much as I'd love for you to stop living and mixing up names with STD's, I really have to go."

"Already?" Uncle Minty asked disappointedly. "We haven't even had a chance to catch up! I'd love know what's going on in your life. Still doing that whole rape-pillage-plunder act?"

"I am not a pirate," Voldemort said through gritted teeth.

"Of course you aren't, my boy. You're an evil overlord, I know. That reminds me- do you see much of that blonde kid with the cane anymore? Lucious, or something? I remember at your fiftieth birthday party, he levitated a goat on your head during the piñata, right? Oh, those were the days! And what about that dark-haired bitch- Trixie, or something, I know. Remember when we played spin-the-bottle, and you landed on R-"

Voldemort hung up.

"Is this going to end up like what happened when your Nana visited?" Rodolphus asked. "Because if it is, I'm going to be spending the next few days at our local Holiday Inn."

"All I can say is that it better not be like that," Voldemort grumbled. "I think I hate him more than Nana."

"Aw, don't be so harsh, I loved Nana," Lucius interjected.

Draco wrinkled his nose. "Ew, she smelled so bad, it was like going perfume shopping at the fish store."

"What I don't understand," Peter said, "is how he's related to you. Except for Nana, all your mother's family is dead, right?"

"I wish," Voldemort groaned. "He's my mom's sister- Morfin's twin brother. When they were growing up, Grandpa Marvolo threw Minty out when he refused to kill a spider on my mom's desk- said he wasn't sadistic enough to be a true Gaunt. Man, do I wish Gramps had killed him. "

"Morfin had a brother?" Bellatrix asked.

"Who the hell is Morfin?" her husband wanted to know.

"Morfin is- was- my uncle. Anyone who's read Half-Blood Prince knows that," Voldemort sighed.

"Speaking of that, where is our beloved Snape?" Lucius inquired.

"He's picking Minty up in Diagon Alley- the stupid prat can't even Apparate," Voldemort explained. "He got kicked out of Hogwarts in the middle of his fourth year."

"For what?" Peter asked.

Voldemort shuddered. "I'd rather not say."

CRACK.

Snape Apparated next to them, looking tired.

"Where's Uncle Minty?" Ro asked.

"Is he dead?" Voldemort asked hopefully.

"No, he'll be here in a minute. He insisted on Apparating alone."

"But he doesn't know how!" Voldemort wailed.

CRACK

Everyone looked up to see a leg, half of a red plaid shirt, and a nose lying on the ground.

"Oh, for the love of Merlin," Snape said angrily. "Now I've got to go to the bloody Ministry to call someone to fix the godforsaken man. Imagine how this is going to look- I'm wanted for murder."

"None of us can walk into the Ministry, can we?" Voldemort asked. "Oh, no, we'll have to leave him like that. What a shame. I'm really sad."

Marissa rolled her eyes. "I'll go."

Voldemort cursed.

Two hours later, the Death Eaters were seated at the kitchen table alongside Uncle Minty.

"Well, howdy!" he called.

"Howdy?" Voldemort grimaced. "You're not even from Texas- you grew up in Britain."

"So, who're all you folks?" Uncle Minty ignored his nephew.

"Well," Draco piped up, "I'm Draco. This is my dad, Lucius, my aunt Bellatrix, my uncle Rodolphus, his brother Rabastan, then there's Peter, Snape-"

"We've met," Snape said, looking although he rather wished they hadn't.

"Right. And over there's Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, Marissa, and, um, I think that's it."

"Lovely to meet you all," Uncle Minty said. "Pull my finger, Tom."

Voldemort looked repulsed.

"What are we doing here?" Bellatrix asked, her nose in the air.

"We're celebrating the Fourth of July," Draco explained.

"I know." Bellatrix rolled her eyes. " I meant, why are we celebrating the Fourth of July? We're British."

"I've noticed," Voldemort said, lugging a box full of sports equipment past them. "It was Uncle Minty's idea."

"I'm three-quarters American!" Minty exclaimed.

"Wouldn't that make Voldemort part American, too?" Rodolphus asked.

"I most certainly am not," Voldemort replied haughtily.

"Yeah, well, that's what you said about being a half-blood, too," Ro reminded him.

Lucius had tied his hair up in a red, white and blue bow for the occasion. "I just love barbeques!" he cried.

Someone threw a hot dog at him.

Peter had the grill going, being carefully supervised by Narcissa. "We don't need a fire," she explained.

"Yeah. Uncle Minty would probably try to beat it out with his pants," Voldemort said, shuddering.

"Would he… take his pants off to do this?" Draco asked hesitantly.

"Yes."

Everyone cringed.

"That's just sick," Peter said. "Honestly. They should make laws against that. Did you know when I change into a rat, I leave my clothes behind, because rats are naked, and when I transform back, I'm naked. This is not my idea of a good time, let me tell you, I hate being nude just as much as the next person. Actually, probably more, because I have self-esteem issues- don't worry, I've been seeing a counselor- and, so, half the time I'm running around naked. Ew! And then, sometimes, at night, I accidentally change into a rat in my sleep. Don't even ask me how I do that, but I'll either wake up as a rodent or in my birthday suit. Oh! This one time-"

"Oh my God!" Narcissa shouted. "The grill's on fire!"

Everyone screamed.

Uncle Minty took his pants off.

Chaos ensued.

"So…" Draco said.

"So…" Bellatrix drummed her fingers on the table.

"Never again," Voldemort said vehemently. "I am never, ever permitting this man in my sight again."

"He took off his pants," Marissa said in a strangled voice.

"I'm scarred for life," announced Draco.

"Yeah, and he's the gay one!" Rodolphus said.

"He took off his pants," Marissa repeated.

"What does my sexual preference have to do with this?" Draco demanded.

"Nothing, nothing," his uncle said.

"Hey, where's Snape?" Peter asked. "He's been gone all chapter."

"I dunno," Voldemort said, shrugging.

"He took off his pants," Marissa mumbled.

Snape strode through the door, looking quite pleased with himself.

"Where the hell have you been?" Voldemort demanded. "You missed nearly all of my uncle's mishaps!"

"He took off his pants," Marissa said,

"I know. After I brought him here on Friday, I checked myself into-"

"Rehab?"

"An institution?"

"His pants?"

"-into a hotel," Snape said.

The phone rang.

Snape answered it. "Hello?"

He held it out to Voldemort. "It's the police."

The Dark Lord took it. "Hello? Yes….yes… oh, trust me, I know. No…no, that won't be necessary."

He hung up. "Uncle Minty's been arrested for public indecency. "

"What'd he do this time?" Rodolphus asked.

"I bet he took off his pants," Marissa muttered darkly.

"No, he lit his ass on fire with a sparkler," Voldemort said.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In a jail cell forty miles away, Uncle Minty leaned over to his cellmate. "Hey, kid. Pull my finger."

A/N: Review skit! FEATURING….

NANA: What the hell am I doing here?
VOLDEMORT: You're in a review skit, Nana.
NANA: Where's Avada? Ain't she supposed to be in these?
AVADA CRUIMPERIO: I'm here.
NANA: You seen my dentures, boy?
VOLDEMORT: Yes, Nana, I stole your dentures, because I have a false-tooth fetish.
AVADA: Ew.
VOLDEMORT: Sarcasm, you pathetic excuse for a living person, sarcasm!
NANA: Be nice to the author, Tommy. Hey! You! Reader! Go be nice to this author! She went through hell for this, I tell you. HELL!
AVADA: -eye roll-
NANA: THE COMMIES ARE COMING! HIDE BEFORE THEY TAKE YOU TO THE CONCENTRACTION CAMP!
Voldemort: …see you in a couple weeks, folks. –drags Nana away-
AVADA: Don't forget- for the chance to be in my next chapter, go to my LiveJournal! Anyone and everyone can win!
NANA: I'LL HAVE YOU LOCKED UP FOR THIS! I KNOW THE QUEEN!