Chapter Eight: A World of Hurt

Jo slammed the door to her room so hard it rattled on the hinges. But, being of Elven make, it withstood the teenage temper tantrum. A door on Earth would have probably burst into flames at the look on Jo's face. Of course, she couldn't really be blamed, since she was being dragged on the quest with an irritating-as-hell Mary Sue.

And none of the Elves of Imladris really minded the noise, considering that all that rage was directed at Iendil. That actually amused them to no end.

Letting out a frustrated scream, Jo sank on her bed and rubbed her eyes violently. "I'm so freakin' tired, and CRANKY!" She knew that she was eventually going to be forced on the quest, but that didn't make her any less pissed off. "Next person who walks through that door is going to BE IN A WORLD OF HURT!"

Glorfindel's hand paused halfway to the door knob. He heard the threat from within the room (not that it was hard, practically everyone could hear the ranting), and hesitated for a moment. Then, squaring his shoulders, he marched in. He took on a Balrog, he could handle an angry teenager.

"Lady Jo—"

"Glorfindel, you are so lucky that I like you, or you'd be dead in a ditch right now."

"Nice to see you too. Anyway, I was sent to get you by Lord Elrond. You are to begin fighting lessons so that you may defend yourself on the Quest."

Jo passed a hand over her eyes wearily. "Great. You're giving me sharp objects now? Has the world gone mad?"

Glorfindel grinned. "Actually, we'll be starting with wooden swords. But more for Iendil's sake than yours."

At the mention of Iendil's name, Jo's eyes glinted evilly. "That…wench…is joining us?" she asked tersely.

The Elf lord let out a longsuffering sigh. This was going to be one loooong lesson…

Iendil made it through the lesson in one piece. That's not to say that Jo didn't have to be forcibly restrained by several Elves on numerous occasions, she just wasn't able to lay a hand on Iendil.

Naturally, however, the Sue was oh-so perfect at fighting, just like she was at everything else. She knew how to wield a sword, bow, spear, ax, and any other weapon that they threw at her. Literally threw. The Elves got more and more disappointed each time their subtle assassination attempts failed. Despite her reflexes and fighting skills, she wasn't exactly…threatening.

Maybe it was the fact that she bounced around the training field while fighting, singing about rainbows and butterflies and unicorns. Her eyes were a violent pink color and she wore a matching tunic with white leggings. By the end, her clothes were still impeccably clean, while Jo was covered head-to-toe in dirt and grass stains, nursing a small cut on her hand.

At the sight of Jo's hand, Iendil seemed to remember her little idea about injuring herself for sympathy, and pulled out her sword discreetly, preparing to give her finger a little knick.

However, at that moment, Jo stumbled over a rock and grabbed Iendil's arm to steady herself, not seeing the sword in her hands. Iendil let out a startled squeak of surprise and stopped suddenly. Jo paused and turned around in time to see her pull the sword out from her stomach.

"Holy CRAP!" Jo screeched, jumping back at the sight of the blood literally pouring out of the wound in Iendil's stomach. By this time, they had attracted the attention of the majority of the Elves in Rivendell. Elrond, Glorfindel, and the twins hurried over.

Iendil had sunk to her knees, and now Elrond was easing her onto her back. As much as she annoyed them, she was mortally wounded. They wouldn't forget common courtesies.

Jo shifted, uncomfortable. If she knew Sues at all, she knew what was coming.

Oh, yes, you guessed it.

The ridiculously-long death scene.

"Jo? What's going on?" came a voice behind her. She turned her head to see Aragorn and Legolas join the group, looking confused.

"By the Valar…" Legolas breathed when his eyes fell on the sight before him.

"Yeah…" Jo trailed off, at a loss for words. Was it bad that she kind of wanted to laugh?

I am so going to hell…she mentally smacked herself.

"Jo…come…here…my friend…" Iendil coughed weakly.

Jo restrained herself from rolling her eyes. Here we go.

"Legolas…my love…you too…"

The two figure approached her with no small amount of trepidation. She was still bleeding everywhere. Looking close, Jo was surprised to see that her blood was…glittering. Weird.

Iendil took Jo's hand. "Oh, my BFF…we had so little time to…spend together…I will…miss you….so much," she threw in a weak cough for effect. "I like…forgive you…for like kinda stabbing me…" Then she turned immediately to Legolas. Jo didn't know whether to feel insulted or relieved.

"Oh, mellonmyne." Iendil sighed, butchering the Elvish as usual. "I wish I could…have gotten to…know you better…like…I already…like…had the names of…our children…picked out…" Legolas almost pulled his hand away, but refrained. "Like…our wedding would…like have been…so beautiful…like me."

Cue simultaneous eye roll.

"Like…I wish we had started our relationship earlier…" she trailed off suggestively. Legolas looked like he was wondering exactly what relationship she was talking about, but he got his answer when she ran a hand over his cheek and down his chest, right before violating him. That time he did jump back, but Iendil had a death grip on his hand by that time, so he didn't go very far.

"I CAN'T believe she just did that." Elladan gaped quietly. Elrohir stood next to him, mouth hanging open in shock. Glorfindel looked about ready to take out his sword and finish the job.

Elrond had a "How-is-she-not-dead-yet?" look on his face.

Iendil was still whispering sweet nothings to Legolas. But judging by the green tinge on Legolas's face, Jo guessed that they were more like NC-17 'nothings', and that the Elf was none too happy to be on the receiving end of them.

By this time, Iendil's "crystalline blue eyes were filling with jeweled tears threatening to spill as she looked upon the face of her beloved Elven studmuffin for the last time without being able to profess her love for him." Or that's how Iendil pictured it. Jo was pretty sure she was crying because she hadn't gotten into Legolas's pants yet. But that was just her.

After another good fifteen minutes of pointless narrative, Iendil started to fade. "Everything's…like…going dark…Leggie my love…I'm sorry…"

Then her eyes closed and didn't open again. But even more remarkable, her mouth closed and actually didn't open again.

There was an extremely long and tense silence before the area exploded with cheers. There was a group stampede back into the Last Homely House to find some wine to celebrate. Iendil's body was just left lying there, so no one saw it dissipate into thin air in a burst of stars and hearts and baby tears. No one really cared, anyway.

Jo was too busy celebrating with every single other living thing in Rivendell to remember one crucial fact about Mary Sues that she had put out her mind:

They always come back.

TBC…