Chapter Eleven: Walking Sucks

Jo was already approaching a level of pissed-off that she hadn't yet had the pleasure of experiencing, and the Company was only an hour into the Quest. Iendil had already been complaining about most of her bags being left behind and scared Aragorn out of his wits by trying to forcefully have her nasty way with him. Jo was dismayed to see the future King of Gondor shake like a little pansy girl. Something had to be done, and soon.

Little did she know, Aragorn was about to be saved.

After the first two days of travel, Aragorn started to get back into his whole 'Hey-let's-not-shower' mindset. He was definitely the one who was most affected by it, but Iendil didn't seem to notice.

At first.

It was to the amusement of the entire camp on the second night when Iendil sashayed over to Aragorn, attempting to plop onto his lap. Her hand brushed his hair, but then she drew it away, horrified. "Like! What is like that?!!?"

"What's what?" Aragorn asked, looking up at her with his usual fear replaced with confusion.

"Like, why is like your hair like wet?"

From next to Pippin, Jo was struck with a realization about how to keep Iendil away from Aragorn. Pippin turned to see a very evil grin spread across Jo's face and stepped back, surprised and a bit fearful.

"Iendil," Jo began. "On this Quest, there will not always be time for showering or bathing…"

Jo was going to leave it at that, and let Iendil draw her own conclusions, but judging by the blank look on the Sue's face, she still didn't understand.

"His hair is greasy." Jo sighed, bluntly.

Iendil jumped away from Aragorn. "Like, ewwwww!!!!!!!" she squealed piercingly.

And from that moment on, she avoided Aragorn like the plague, unless she needed him and his big sword to help her.

One down…eight to go…Jo thought to herself. She rolled her eyes. Because I'm not even ruling out Gandalf. That wench would have her way with anyone. I'm starting to fear for my own safety when she runs out of males to sexually harass…

Boromir, taking Aragorn's lead, abandoned all hygiene as well. He was relatively safe anyway—Iendil took less interest in him than Gimli. Jo didn't really understand why. Of course, Iendil's feeble Sue brain mistook him for a villain and therefore off-limits. Why villains were taboo, Jo didn't know either. But it wasn't like Boromir was hideous either. He was good-looking and also very kind. He was like a big brother, so it was no wonder he took so well to Merry and Pippin.

Jo made a mental tally of the males in the Fellowship. Aragorn and Boromir were safe for now…Gandalf would hex Iendil if she even tried anything…Sam absolutely detested her, and would protect Frodo…Merry and Pippin were slightly at risk because they were so cute, but Boromir would watch them…not to mention that Iendil's flirtations merely confused them. That was rather amusing.

Jo heard them whispering together while dinner was being prepared one night.

"Merry? Why is that strange lady blinking like that at me?"

"I don't know, Pip, but her eyelashes are abnormally big, wouldn't you say?"

"I swear her eyes change color."

"Yeah, almost as much as she changes her clothes!"

Jo had to fight very hard to hold in her snort of laughter. The Hobbits had Iendil pegged perfectly!

She had also overheard Sam muttering to Frodo about how 'unnatural' Iendil was, and shaking his head. Unnatural was, however true, perhaps the understatement of the age. If one were to ever meet a girl with color-changing eyes, no fashion sense, freakishly-fast-growing hair, and an IQ lower than her shoe size, I do believe there would be words stronger than 'unnatural' to describe her.

Jo's main concern was now, as it had been previously, the matter of Legolas. There was nothing he could really do to look less perfect. He was so chivalrous he wasn't even capable of really threatening Iendil. Jo didn't really think that would last very long, though. And as for finding help within the Fellowship, Gimli was amused by Legolas's plight, and everyone else didn't want to get re-involved with the Sue. So it was up to Jo.

On the fourth night, Legolas offered to go into the woods and find firewood. Jo offered to help, and Iendil winked at her. Jo didn't know whether to be more disturbed that Iendil thought she was as promiscuous as her, or that she was willing to share the object of her obsession. Shuddering, she decided not to think about it.

Once out of earshot of the camp, they traveled a ways into the dark forest. Jo would have probably tripped over roots and rocks most of the way, if not for the fact that Legolas actually glowed slightly, casting a very pale light around him for a small distance.

"So…" Jo began, unsure of how to say what she needed to express.

"It seems that our betrothal is back on."

Jo could've hugged him. She felt awkward bringing it up, and he had practically read her mind! Well, maybe there was the possibility that he HAD read her mind, but she so didn't want to go there.

"Yes. And you have really got to stop being so perfect. No wonder the Sues swarm to you like birds of prey!"

Legolas flashed her a grin.

"See! You do it on purpose!"

"I assure you, my lady, if I really wanted obnoxious girls thousands of years younger than I to flock around me, I would—"

"Seek mental help?" Jo offered mildly. He laughed.

"Perhaps."

"Ugh, so we have to break the news to her?"

"It appears so."

"I'm worried about her reaction, but I'm also excited to see the look on her face. The shock could just kill her."

Legolas raised an eyebrow at her.

"Or so I hope." Jo grinned.

It must have taken them longer to plan then they realized, because when they walked back into camp with small armfuls of wood, even Merry and Pippin were staring at them curiously.

"Have a little…trouble?" Aragorn asked quietly, trying to hide a grin.

"Actually yes, Aragorn. We got a little…lost." Jo smiled sweetly.

"LEGOLAS got lost." Aragorn said dubiously. It wasn't a question.

The Elf muttered something unkind in Elvish, and Aragorn let well enough alone.

"Iendil…we have something to tell you," Jo said, taking Legolas's hand and trying to maintain a straight face.

"We are betrothed." Legolas finished.

"Um…like okay?"

"That means we're engaged. To be married." Jo specified.

There was silence in the camp. Then…

"LIKE WHAAAAAAAATTT!!!!!?????!!!!"

TBC…