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chapter sixteen
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and if i told you
that i'm sorry
would you tell me that you were wrong
or would you hold me down forever
if i came to you for answers
-Matt Nathanson, "I Saw"
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The door of the Starbucks flew open, and Martin edged his way inside, dodging the crowds left and right as he made his way through the packed coffee shop to the booth where Ed sat waiting. "Sorry I'm late," he smiled apologetically as he sat down on the booth, the vinyl lining giving way beneath him.
"That's alright," Ed replied with a quick nod. He motioned to the crowd standing in line and then back to the two oversized mugs that sat on the table between them. "I hope you don't mind, I went ahead and got your usual."
Martin shook his head and eagerly lifted the mug to his lips. "No, of course not. Thanks." He washed the warm liquid down his throat, swallowing gratefully. "How's your daughter doing? She's due any day now, isn't she?"
"Just a week to go," Ed smiled broadly, as he did whenever he talked about the birth of his daughter's first child. "I think she can't wait for it to all be over." Ed took a long drink of his own coffee and paused thoughtfully, his eyes narrowing. "You look exhausted," he said, his tone of voice indicating that he was not up for an argument. "You were really looking good for awhile. What's up?"
Martin cocked his head to one side, taken aback by Ed's sudden change of subject. "What do you mean?"
"You look ..." Ed began, eyebrows furrowed as he gestured with the hand not holding his coffee mug, "tired, stressed, unhappy? I don't know; you tell me."
"I'm fine," Martin sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Work keeps me busy. I guess I'm just tired; it's already been a long week."
Ed focused his gaze across the table in an intense stare reminiscent of his days with the NYPD and said, "I don't think that's what you really mean. Long week or not, you seemed like you were really doing well when I talked to you on Wednesday. That was only six days ago, Martin." Setting his mug down on the table, he continued, "Does this have anything to do with the dinner at your cousins' a week ago?"
"Actually, no," Martin shut his eyes briefly and inhaled, recalling the long talk he had with Jamie that night and how cathartic it felt to finally share all of the happy memories with his family. "It was good to just be with them on her birthday, to talk about her. I think it helped that I was with them; I guess I felt less ..." he trailed off slowly and his voice began to break.
"It's okay to still have cravings, Martin," Ed smiled reassuringly. "It's normal. Just because you've passed the one year mark doesn't mean that all of this suddenly goes away."
"I know that," Martin replied as he ran his hand along his chin. "But I guess it's different to know it, and to know it."
"I know I don't have to tell you this, but you have a bigger support network than you think. You have plenty of people you can call if you ever need to talk about it." Ed methodically counted off on his fingers, as though it would somehow symbolically further his point. "And now that you are at the one year mark, you should be proud of how far you've come. It's like a marriage, really. The first five years are the hardest, and you're one fifth of the way there."
"That's supposed to be encouraging?" Martin cocked his head to the side and laughed in spite of himself.
"I guess it's one of those metaphors that sounds a lot better to women," Ed replied, laughing. "Speaking of your one year mark, how are you doing with Steps 8 and 9?" Martin raised his eyebrows questioningly, and off of his look, Ed explained. "If I recall correctly, you have two very close friends who are directly responsible for you realizing that you had a problem and then seeking the help that you needed."
"Danny and Samantha," Martin breathed in response and leaned his elbows against the side of the table.
"Right," Ed gave a quick nod of his head and wiped his hands on a paper napkin. "Have you shared anything about your recovery with them recently? It's something that would be good for you, if you feel comfortable with it."
Martin took a deep breath and worked his jaw back and forth, then slowly replied, "Actually, I've talked to both of them about it recently." He paused for a beat. "Sam asked me about it just yesterday..."
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Martin turned at his desk as he began to gather up his things. It had been a particularly rough Monday, in which they had all received early morning calls and spent all day scouring the city for a five year old child who had been killed before he was even reported missing. His posture stiff and his mood somber, he was considering calling Christine up and asking her to reschedule for another night; he was simply not feeling up to drinks at the upscale Soho bar near her place.
The office was only dimly lit, all nine to five employees having long-since vacated the premises and only the few stragglers remaining at their desks, and he heard the steady echo of a woman's heels approaching from behind him.
"Martin?" Samantha's voice was soft and gentle and sounded ... almost vulnerable and very unlike herself. "I didn't know you were still here." She said, in a near whisper.
"Yeah," He sighed and turned his body, slumping back against the side of his desk in defeat. "Can't quite leave, but can't quite stay either."
"Tell me about it," she rolled her eyes, and he noticed that her long coat was folded and draped over one arm. She smiled at him with trepidation, her voice catching as she spoke. "Do you want to go somewhere and grab a cup of coffee or a drink or something?"
"Out somewhere?" he replied in reflex. Too quickly, perhaps, and he immediately wish he hadn't. He thought he might have seen a flicker of hurt flash in her deep brown eyes.
Instead, she bit her lip thoughtfully for a moment and replied in self-deprecating tone, "I guess I deserve that."
"I'm sorry," he apologized and reached out to softly grab hold of her elbow. "I didn't mean it like that; you just took me by surprise."
"It's okay. No harm done, see?" She held out her palms and winked, seeming suddenly more relaxed. "It's just that I know I missed your one year mark, and if two weeks late is still somewhat in range, I had thought that maybe I could make it up to you."
He gazed down at her, his blue eyes clear and wide. "Tonight is probably not a good night," he said slowly. "Maybe some other time, though."
"Of course, some other time," she replied with only a slight hint of disappointment. "And Martin--?" she added softly. "Call me if you change your mind."
His eyes followed the swift click of her heels as it echoed down the corridor until she had long disappeared into the elevators, and he shifted his weight to reach for his cell phone.
Now he was not certain if he felt more or less guilty about rescheduling on Christine than he had been five minutes earlier.
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As Martin finished his story, Ed looked back at him expectantly and said, "So have you? Rescheduled, I mean."
"Yeah. Christine said Tuesday night worked better for her anyway, so we just went out the next night instead." Martin lowered his own eyes to avoid the pointed look he was getting from the older man, and continued, "No, we haven't. I'm not exactly sure what we would say anyway, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the gesture."
"It doesn't matter what you say, just that you are talking and somehow making peace with everything that happened between you years ago." Ed coughed, the cough of a man who smoked for over thirty years, and shifted his hand so that it was resting on the handle of his mug. "It sounds like you both have some common demons that you need to exorcise."
"That's the risk you take when you date a coworker, I guess," Martin replied, taking a sip of his coffee only to discover that it had long-since grown cold. The murky liquid made him grimace in distaste.
"I'm sensing some bitterness," Ed crossed his arms and leaned back against the vinyl cushioning of the booth.
"No bitterness, but I do wish I had fully known the risks before I got involved with a coworker. I don't think I've ever dreaded coming into work more in my life than the weeks immediately after Sam and I ended things," he finished diplomatically, and his mug scraped against the table as he pushed it out of reach.
"Office romances aren't all bad," Ed countered. "My daughter met her husband when they were both working out of ComTech."
"Absolutely," he agreed quickly. "Danny and Elena have been together for a few months now, and they have their differences and their arguments but they really do care about each other and they work through it. I know everyone in the office is really happy for both of them."
Martin, feeling suddenly tense and stiff, threw his shoulders back and stretched out his arms. He sat silently and allowed the gentle chaos from around the coffee shop to surround him as he considered the relationship between Danny and Elena. In the two years since she had joined the team, he had yet to find out exactly what their longer history together included. He had never asked, afraid the subject was too taboo even now, and they had never offered. Whatever their shared history, though, he suspected it was linked to their respective pasts with Carlos; once Elena knew that Sofie would be safe, she and Danny seemed to grow closer still.
Though when he initially found out about their relationship, his own past with interoffice romance caused him to view it with trepidation. He feared the team, already fractured by individual turmoil, might not be able to survive intact if there was a bitter breakup added to the mix.
Danny and Elena, however, had done everything to prove him wrong, and he found that he enjoyed watching as his two friends grew and changed together. Danny even hinted that Elena was becoming receptive to the idea of them moving in together and that, although it seemed fast, it was something he wanted to do. He wanted Sofie to know that he was committed to her as well as to her mother and to offer her some stability in the wake of Carlos' crazed kidnapping scheme. The young girl had been extremely traumatized by seeing her father hold her mother at gunpoint.
Martin broke his train of thought as he heard Ed call his name, and nodded his head signaling his attention. "What is your biggest regret about your relationship with Samantha, then?" Ed asked finally.
Martin pursed his lips together and thought for a moment. "I thought NA taught us not to have regrets," he quipped.
"If we were perfect," Ed winked and replied without skipping a beat. "We wouldn't need NA in the first place."
"Touché," Martin laughed. He drew in a deep breath and immediately became more serious as he chose his words carefully. "If you had asked me a month ago, I would have said it's the fact that in the end, she was my best friend and now we can't ever get that back the way it used to be."
"And now?"
"I don't know," he answered. "These past few weeks since she's come back to work, we haven't had any serious conversations but things have been better between us. It's as if we're slowly becoming friends again, and maybe that's the best thing I could hope for." He paused to swallow slowly, and he wrung his hands together underneath the table. "But no matter how much I want to wish I had never followed her into the cab that night, I know I will never regret that we tried."
Ed nodded, mulling this over silently for a few minutes, his lack of reply playing against Martin's own nerves. Finally, Ed narrowed his gaze intently and said, "That's very wise of you, Martin; it's a good perspective to have." Fingers tapping against the tabletop in steady rhythm, Ed continued. "I have one more question about this, and then I promise we can stop talking about it." He waited while Martin gave a nod in assent. "If you could go back to that night when she asked you home with her for the first time, knowing what you do now about the potential fallout of an interoffice relationship gone awry, would you have agreed so easily?"
"In a heartbeat," he replied before he even know what he was saying. He blinked before raising his eyes to look directly at his sponsor before him, and with all the honesty he could muster, explained. "Because no matter what I knew about what might happen if things went wrong, I would never have believed that we would break up."
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End Part I...
Part II to follow soon. Zip file of the soundtrack music is available upon request, just drop me an email (should be in my profile).