Chapter Twelve: Oscar-worthy Performance

Iendil plopped onto the ground in shock, her voluminous skirts fluffing up around her and practically obscuring her from view. Her erratic hyperventilating was still audible, however.

"I…like…can't…like…believe…like…this…like…is…like…happening….like!"

Jo would have felt a little bad if, well, if it weren't so darn amusing!

Coming to grips with her excessive emotions, Iendil stood (with no small amount of arm flailing and undignified squeaks as she tried to regain her balance) and faced Jo. Her face was pale, and not the usual "pale-like-the-moon-on-the-surface-of-an-icy-lake-in-Antarctica" pale, but "wow-I've-just-received-a-large-shock" pale.

"I am like happy for you, friend." Iendil sniffled dramatically.

"Uh, thanks. That means a lot to me." Jo replied, keeping a completely straight face, despite the raucous laughter that threatened to erupt from her twitching mouth. I should win an Oscar for this performance!

Legolas, during all these proceedings, was in a state of euphoria. It was as if one tremendous, simpering, fangirly weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He would have been skipping around and singing at the top of his lungs had it not been for his dignity. And even then he was sorely tempted.

And yet, Sues are as changeable as the weather. If they can't have one male, they switch to another. And as Legolas was feeling a great relief, Iendil's attentions had to fall on someone else. The foreboding crashed down on the unlucky victim like a tidal wave of doom. The nausea set in, and life suddenly started looking even more hopeless than it had become in the past few weeks.

Yes, not even Samwise Gamgee could help poor Frodo now…

There was no small amount of pity in the Fellowship directed at Frodo once it was obvious that Iendil was turning her obsession towards him.

Jo felt Frodo's pain, as she would often be kept awake at night by Iendil murmuring to her about Frodo's big blue eyes and dark curly hair. Her descriptions started as accurate of the fair hobbit, but once she got into how his "crystalline blue orbs burned with desire to be lost in the oceans of her own deep blue depths," she was going, once again, too far.

Jo almost couldn't wait for the more dangerous parts to begin. Once Iendil had to worry about saving her own skin would she perhaps be distracted from her infatuations.

Or perhaps not.

The next day was when they arrived at that stone hill thing. Or so Iendil named it. She was clapping excitedly, her small brain remembering the location from the movies.

Camp was set up, and Sam began cooking a meal. He had taken up the habit overnight of holding a burning fire poker in his hand at almost all times. Add in an evil glare and even IENDIL understood that she was to back off. In this way, Frodo gained about five minutes reprieve.

During that time, Iendil's attention was caught by the sun shining off the swords that Boromir and the other Hobbits were using to practice sparring.

"Oooo, like shiny!!" Iendil giggled, waggling off to watch, her backside swaying like a metronome.

"On second thought, Mr. Frodo, I've lost my appetite."

"So have I, Sam. So have I."

Oblivious to the fact that there were two Hobbits in the general vicinity that actually weren't hungry, Aragorn continued to give out advice in the sword lessons while Jo watched on, trying not to gag on the scent of the pungent smoke from Aragorn's pipe.

Iendil took up a spot uncomfortably close to Jo, whom she had forgiven for stealing her Elven stalking victim now that she had a new victim. Jo's eye twitched.

"If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they're not, I'd say we were taking the long way round. Gandalf, we could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome."

Iendil let out a small noise of disgust. She said no words, which was a miracle in itself, but Jo was pretty much able to guess what she was thinking:

Like as if we would ever like hide like all my beauty in like some dark old cave with like ugly trolls I mean like dwarves—same diff—although the dark would like make things like easier for like Frodo and like me…giggle giggle tee hee!!!!one

Jo made a funny choking noise.

Aragorn glanced over at her. "Are you alright?"

"I don't really know, to be honest."

"Crebain! From Dunland!"

Iendil had been waiting all day for that line. No, that is no exaggeration. She was literally waiting ALL DAY to hear Legolas say that. By noon, she was practically vibrating in place, she was so excited. It was both disturbing and rather amusing.

Letting out a gleeful squeal, she took advantage of Sam's distraction of trying to quickly douse the fire, and did something…well, surprising, to say the least.

Seizing Frodo around the middle, she hoisted him over her shoulder and bodily carried him to a hiding spot in the bushes. As if that wasn't brash enough, she then sets him down and pretends to trip and fall on him, just so conveniently that she has to lay still on him while the birds fly overhead.

Jo's eyebrows were so far up they were practically lost in her hairline. She didn't really see the merit to that kind of seduction. Would a guy really like to get such a blow to his masculinity like that? And then have to deal with a girl twice his size sprawled over him for a good ten minutes? Jo figured he was probably okay, considering Iendil weighed about 78 pounds anyway.

Jo was currently crouched behind a rock with Gandalf. Not exactly Iendil's dream-come-true, but Jo had a nasty feeling that she would go after Gandalf if all other resources failed. She took some comfort in the fact that Iendil would probably walk away from that with some sort of hex put on her…

Once everyone emerged from hiding, Gandalf turned his gaze to the dark, looming shapes against the horizon.

"Spies of Saruman! The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras."

Oh, goody. Snow. Jo winced. She hated the cold. But I'm sure Iendil just THRIVES in it, like freaking everything else!

And, as if to reinforce her statement, a high-pitched, excited squeal was heard slightly ahead.

"Oooo, we should like make a snowman!!!1"

Eru save us all.

TBC…