Chapter 13: Not in a Good Way

"Snow sucks. Snow sucks. Snow sucks." Jo muttered lowly between her chattering teeth. It was a good way to rid herself of her frustrations. Plus it could only annoy Legolas, since he was the only one who could hear her over the howling wind. And Jo wasn't really worried about pissing him off, seeing as how, as we have seen in all the encounters with Iendil, the Elf is blessed with a rather saintly patience.

In other news? Iendil picked up a new hobby while the Company was trudging up the mountain. In the midst of her snow-frolicking (dancing around in the snow, which she somehow made look provocative—if you can't picture this, that's probably a good thing), she decided to…serenade the rest of the Fellowship. To the extreme misfortune of the Quest members.

After several hours of Britney Spears-Hilary Duff medleys, everyone in the Fellowship was at the point of pulling a Van Gogh and cutting off their ear. Except they didn't know who Van Gogh was.

Jo was going absolutely bloody insane. She didn't particularly have a problem with either of the aforementioned singers, but Iendil had the most irritating talent of horribly maiming any song.

Of course, if you asked her, her voice is "like the melody of a waterfall cascading down a cloud of sparkling shiny stars and rainbows with cotton candy trees and marshmallow singing sparrows."

Jo fell over with a snort of laughter at this thought. Boromir raised an eyebrow at her.

"Are you alright, Lady Jo?"

"That's debatable."

People ask me that a lot…hmm…

Fortunately for all of them, once the vicious snowstorm started up, Iendil's banshee-like voice was drowned out. So the 90 mph winds and golf ball-sized snowflakes were a small price to pay.

So it was alright until Iendil started screaming about the boulders. So much so that she didn't notice the small frowns each time a rock missed hitting her. She really didn't make many friends…Jo mused with an uncontainable grin.

Her screams were effectively cut off by about two tons of snow falling on top of the small group. Jo's whole world went white and she sat stunned for a second before shoving her way out. Heads popped up all around her, and she was reminded of Whac-a-mole. Or Whac-a-Sue…that was an interesting prospect…

Frodo's head popped up very suddenly, and it was apparent that something was wrong. His face was bright red, but not because of the cold. That was apparent seeing as how it had a lovely green tinge to it.

"What's wrong, Mister Frodo?" Sam questioned, concerned. "Are you ill?"

"I'm about to be!" he spluttered. "She…she…SHE TOUCHED ME INAPPROPRIATELY!!!"

The unexpectedness of this statement—or rather, exclamation—brought everyone to a halt. The others stopped to stare at the mortified Hobbit. The snow even lessened, and Legolas swore he could hear soft, amused laughter in the general direction of the 'fell voice'.

Jo found this all too amusing. "Did she now?" she grinned, trying to empathize but failing miserably.

"Beggin' your pardon, Lady Jo, but this is hardly funny!" Sam said, indignantly.

"No, but the look on your face was!" she laughed. She looked around. "Say, where is the bane of our existence?"

A very deadpan Gandalf hauled a figure up out of the snow. Judging by the violent pink color of the person's attire, they all knew it was everyone's least favorite Sue. "Here, I do believe. Now who's going to carry her while we get down the mountain?"

"Heck, leave her here!" Jo smiled cheerfully. "Because I highly doubt there is anyone among us willing to haul her frozen ass down a mountain."

Gandalf looked amused, but he draped Iendil over Bill, to the disappointment of all.

"Spoilsport." Jo muttered.

Crystalline, amethyst eyes with inky black lashes fluttered open, revealing their vibrant color to the blue sky. A slender hand was brought to the flushed porcelain cheeks as the maiden regained consciousness. Her rosy pink lips spread to utter a delicate request for water in a clear voice—

"Oh, get over yourself!" Jo snarled, upending her entire water bottle over the newly conscious Iendil's reclining form.

Jo was in a particularly bad mood because, for the majority of the descent, she was stuck carrying Iendil down. After only a few minutes, Bill had clearly had enough of even being in contact with Iendil, and he bucked her off him. Jo's laughter was short-lived when Gandalf ordered her to carry the unconscious Sue.

"What?! Whyyyy?!"

Her protests were met with looks from all the others that quite clearly said 'What the heck did we bring you with us for?'

"Why don't we just LEAVE her here?!" Jo cried.

"There is nothing less honorable than leaving a companion defenseless, even if they are not one's favorite person." Aragorn said wisely.

"If you think that's the last honorable thing a person could do, then you clearly have no idea what plans are running through my head right now."

But none of her arguing would avail her. Jo was forced to struggle through the snow with a dead weight on her back. Not that it was very heavy…Jo reassessed her views, and came to the conclusion that Iendil could only weigh 56 pounds, max. How that was physically possible, we may never know.

But still, the mere touch of a Sue makes your skin crawl. And not in a good way.

Obviously.

At the base of the mountain, the Company stopped to make a small fire to warm up. Jo dumped Iendil on the ground and rubbed her hands together. Several minutes later, Iendil started to wake up, and things got, well,…weird. As you just read.

Startled by the water, Iendil woke out of her dreamlike state. "Huh? Frodo?"

Halfway across the camp, Frodo heard this and a cold chill went down his spine.

"Bloody hell." He murmured. Jo raised an eyebrow and wondered when Frodo turned British.

Iendil sighed and went back to sleep. Jo remained where she stood, massaging her shoulders to get feeling back in them. Several minutes later, she felt something wet on her foot. Looking down, she saw a small puddle pooling there. Following it with her eyes, she found the source.

"FREAKIN' GROOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!" she shrieked, leaping backwards.

Shocked, all the others' heads snapped up and they whirled to look at her.

Merry and Pippin walked over to Jo and watched her frantically trying to clean her boot without touching it. They then looked over to where she just stood and where Iendil lay sleeping.

"Wow." Pippin said, looking impressed. "That is quite a lot of drool."

Merry nodded his agreement. "Poor Frodo."

TBC…