Hey all! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I just want to let you all know that from the tenth to the twenty-first I will be in France, so there won't be any updates. I'll try to make this chapter longer to compensate.

Chapter 14: GONG

After Jo had successfully sterilized her boot, peace returned to the camp.

Temporarily.

Boromir settled down for the first watch as everyone else made ready for bed. Frodo quickly fell asleep, assuming that Iendil was still dozing.

But we all know why you should never assume…

Several minutes later, they were all woken up by a surprised shout followed shortly by a resounding 'GONG'.

Jo started out of bed and took in quite the comical scene. Frodo was sitting up in his bedroll, pink to the tips of his ears. Sam stood next to him, clutching his frying pan and looking homicidal. Iendil lay in a heap at his feet, a large welt forming on her head.

There was a long pause, as no one really knew how to respond.

The corner of Gandalf's mouth twitched in what could be considered a barely-contained smirk.

"Geez LOUISE." Jo muttered, shaking her head. "Why on Arda is she going after poor Frodo so much? No one else had to deal with this much of her perverse attention!"

"It probably does not help that Frodo doesn't look like he could hurt a fly," Merry observed, munching on an apple.

"Yes!" Pippin chimed in. "I mean, just look at those big blue eyes! Who wouldn't want to ravish him?"

Frodo blushed even more and tried a half-hearted punch at his teasing cousin.

"True, true," Jo mused. "I mean, Merry and Pippin have had Boromir to protect them, Aragorn actually threatened her, and even Legolas looks scary despite all his girliness."

"I beg your pardon, my lady!"

Jo smiled and patted him on my head. "Aw, don't beg, Legolas. Though you are too cute when you're looking…affronted."

To play along, Legolas stuck out his lower lip and pouted. Jo fought to maintain calm. Easy there, girl. Iendil's rubbing off on you. It doesn't matter if he's like an adorably puppy that you're attracted to—Jo stopped herself at that thought. Wow, that's wrong on SO many levels…I don't even want to GO there!

Legolas decided not to hold back. "Well, someone has to make up for your lack."

Jo threw her head back and laughed, startling him. "That would hurt if it weren't so true! But I'd rather be a female who exudes manliness than a girly-man. Girly-man! Girly-man!"

"Excuse me! I am an ELF, thank you very much!"

"Oh, sorry, my mistake!" Jo snorted.

As Jo settled into bed once more, she couldn't help but wonder how Iendil could ever believe that she and Legolas were engaged. They were the most unlikely couple, and probably the most odd-looking as well. She could just picture what would happen if two people like them actually procreated. I mean, we're talking about girls that climb tries and fight with swords, and boys that nance around with mirrors and hairbrushes!

That was such a gross exaggeration of the possible outcome that Jo had to hide her laughter in her pillow.

From the bedroll next to her (they do have to keep up appearances for Iendil's sake), Legolas raised an eyebrow. "What are you thinking about, pray tell?"

"Oh, just what our children would be like…" Jo replied nonchalantly.

Legolas's jaw literally hit the pillow as he turned an interesting shade of chartreuse.

Jo continued, because paybacks a bee-yotch. "I already have names picked out and everything! But how do you feel about naming kids after venereal diseases?"

It was Legolas's turn to muffle his chuckles in his pillow. "That is something I wouldn't entirely put past Lady Iendil."

"So like, where are we going now?" Iendil asked, bouncing over to Jo's side. She was suffering mild bouts of amnesia, compliments of Sam's frying pan. To cover for him, they all told Iendil that she ran into a tree. The scary thing was that she didn't even question that she could do something so…stupid?

"Moria. For the seventeenth time."

"Tee hee! Seventeen! That's how old I was before I like turned like into an Elf! Which is nice because like now my beauty and like charm will like live FOREVER!!!1"

That one word brought the entire group to a halt and, oddly enough, echoed in the mountains around them. Birds took to the skies and several woodland creatures ran for their lives.

Jo repressed a visible shudder and forced an extremely painful ghost of a smile. That really looked more like a grimace. "That's right…unfortunately," she added under her breath darkly as Iendil scampered off to go try and 'bond' with Merry and Pippin. She seemed to believe that they were supposed to form some sort of camaraderie and get into all sorts of hijinx together. Of course, she also believed that all the males would submit to her lustful desires and become her sex slaves for eternity.

Let's all take a wild guess if that will ever ACTUALLY happen…

Gandalf was rather unaffected by all this daytime drama, aside from being more annoyed than usual. Aragorn was trying to remain stoic and leaderlike (well, okay, assistant-leader-until-Gandalf-falls-like), but it was painfully obvious that he was just thanking his lucky stars that he was being ignored by Iendil.

"I'll never wash again," he sighed in relief.

"Uh, please do," Jo rolled her eyes. "For Arwen's sake, if not ours."

Boromir was unsure what to make of the Sue. He had been nothing but compassionate, and yet she still constantly gave him the evil eye and acted extremely suspicious around him.

"I don't understand." He remarked one night to Jo. "What have I done to offend her?"

Jo was in a slight pickle. She couldn't very well reveal to him what he does shortly before dying, but she didn't want to be rude. Waving her hand dismissively, she thought up an excuse. "Iendil…doesn't like redheads."

Boromir looked thoughtful. "That would explain why she doesn't get along with Samwise either…"

Yeah, aside from the fact that he gave her a concussion with a steel cooking instrument. Jo smiled. "Yes, exactly."

Satisfied, Boromir turned to chase Iendil away from his two hapless Hobbit friends.

Jo was left to brainstorm some new ways of thwarting Iendil's nasty little plans.

Let's see…I should probably find out what she's afraid of…aside from getting ugly or losing her hai…r… An evil smile suddenly snaked its way over Jo's face as she got an idea. A mean, evil idea. An idea that wouldn't kill Iendil, but make her life hell.

But first, she needed to test a theory.

Once they stopped walking for a short break, she wandered innocently over to where Iendil was sitting.

"Oh my gosh, Iendil, is that a spider?"

The scream that ensued was piercing, to say the least. Back in Rivendell, Elrond's head snapped up. "Huh?"

Jo pulled her finger out of her ears. Perfect. "Oh no! It's crawled into your hair!"

"GETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUT!!"

"Oh, crap! It's tangled in there! I can't get it out without cutting off your hair!"

Getting the gist of her plan, the Fellowship exchanged amused glances through their winces of pain at their new ear injuries.

"Oh no, but you like caaaan't--!"

"If I don't, it'll lay eggs in your hair, and you'll have little baby spiders in there too!"

"OMFG, DO IT NOW!!!1"

With a twisted grin, Jo unsheathed her dagger and began to hack away at Iendil's hair. She finished and tossed it into the fire before Iendil could see that there was no spider. She didn't really have to worry, considering Iendil was cowering with her hands over her eyes. "Is it like gone?"

"Yes…"

Despite her relief at being arachnid-free once again, Iendil's scream upon seeing her new hairdo was even more ear-splitting than the first.

"Did you hear that Glorfindel?"

"I did, Lord Elrond. What do you suppose it was?"

"I haven't the faintest idea…"

TBC…