A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

XXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

A/N: Wow! 12 reviews for my last chapter! TWELVE!!! I am unbelievably happy… thanks to everyone who reviewed; I love you all so much! Help yourself to cyber ice cream and cookies and other edible delights… Sorry, this chapter is a bit rushed, so I may go back and edit it later this week…

-x-

"ROSA! DARLING!" Oh oh… too late. They'd spotted us.

"I think they've seen us," Sirius offered unhelpfully.

"No! Really? How many Rosas do you think she knows?" I hissed at him, still curled up on the floor, wishing that this whole disaster waiting to happen was a nightmare and not reality. Nope. This was one prayer god would not be answering. I slowly re-appeared from my hiding place and faked the fakest smile that Hogsmeade was ever to see.

"Mum. Hi." I said cheerily, glaring at my brother, who was smirking at me from the safety of behind my mum's back. My hand had now moved to hover uncertainly over my empty tankard… if the worst came to the worst, I would have to remove my mother from the pub with physical force and there was no way I was willing to do that unarmed.

"Ooh and who's this scrummy looking dish?" My mum asked and, being the married woman she was, batted her eyes at Sirius. I did NOT like the way she was pouting her lips… alarm bells were going off in my head… "No, don't tell me! Sirius, isn't it?!" What the- how did she know who he was? The penny dropped and my glare intensified, my eyes now narrowing at Brendan.

"Rosa's told me all about you!"

"She has?" Sirius asked, his eyes meeting mine. Alice was wrong… they weren't blue… more of a clear grey…

"I have?" I asked, feeling utterly lost and confused. I moved my gaze away from Sirius to my mum.

"Don't be so silly, Rosa," My mum said in a playful voice, giving me a gentle whack on the arm, whack being the key word. "We're amongst friends here! No need to be bashful… Rosa's quite taken by you, dear-"

"Mum-"

"Who can blame her-"

"Stop-"

"You are rather, hmmm, sexy-"

"STOP IT NOW." My blush had spread from my cheeks and now covered my entire face; knowing that I was blushing, only increased my embarrassment, and my blush grew until I could have roasted a marshmallow in the heat I was radiating. Lord, have mercy… I promise to be good for the rest of my life… never, ever steal my brother's eyeliner and try to pass it off as my own cheaper version again… speaking of brother's, how DARE Brendan disappear and leave me to handle mum all by myself!

"Oh, damn, there's no room for you to sit," I said loudly, my eyes widening at my mum. Maybe she would think we wanted time alone to snog or have sex or something, personally I didn't care as long as she left the pub instantly. I pushed my school bag further along my seat.

"Don't be silly, there's room next to Sirius-"

"-wait, look, there's loads of space next to me-" I squashed myself against the window.

"No need!" Mum exclaimed breezily. Sirius didn't stand a chance; he was pushed out of the way, as my mum sat down in alarmingly close proximity to Sirius. Silence. Well, this wasn't awkward at all…

"So… Sirius, tell me, what do you do for a living?" My mum asked, resting her chin in her hand and fixing Sirius with a flirty stare.

"Mum, that's my thigh."

"Sorry, dear! My hand must have… slipped…"

"Still my thigh, mum…"

"Ah, merlin, yes I really should ask the doctor for a higher dosage in those tablets I take for those uncontrollable spasms I get in my hand…" Mum cleared her throat awkwardly. This wasn't happening to me, it wasn't. I turned to stare out of the window, muttering the words 'I am adopted, I am, I am' repeatedly under my breath.

"Brendan!" I almost cried with joy. I leapt out of my seat and threw my arms around my brother.

"Ow. Unnecessary. Public. Display. Of. Affection." Brendan said, prising me off him. He steered me back over to the table and pushed my back into my seat. "I bought you some ice-cream-"

"How thoughtful, darling," Mum interrupted, snatching my ice-cream bowl out of Brendan's slack grip. I began to growl. I loved strawberry ice cream! This wasn't fair in the slightest!

"Oh my god, what is she doing!" Brendan whispered in my ear. I looked over at mum and regretted it. She was now dipping her finger into the ice-cream and was making sure she… well, exaggerated… her licking of her finger.

"So how are you, Mrs. Willow?" Sirius asked and I gave him a grateful smile. Hopefully reminding mum that she was in fact married would help…

"Susie, please! No need to be on surname terms! Besides… I must admit that married life isn't as good as it seems to be-"

"I know." Sirius and I said glumly. We looked at each other and glared.

"-and our sex life has gone down hill tremendously-" Kill me now, "-that's why you saw me with the ann summer's bags-"

"What ann summer's bags?" That's right, Rosa, play dumb… good idea…

"You know, the ones with the sexy lingerie in-" Why aren't I dead yet?! "- anyway, that wasn't all they had in-" Please, don't tell me what else they had in… "-they also had a fabulously pink vibrator in-"

"MUM!" Brendan shouted at the top of his voice.

"Honestly, dear, must you be so immature when it comes to such matters! Anyway, this vibrator had brilliant reviews, so I simply HAD to buy it! Haven't you used one before? Surely you have, Rosa? What with all the boyfriends you've had!"

All eyes were on me. "Yes, surely you have tried a vibrator, Rosa!" Sirius smirked over at me, a mischievous glint now in his eyes.

"No, I haven't," I snapped angrily at him, "And I've only had two boyfriends, mother!"

"Really?"

"Yes!" Merlin, I wasn't some scarlet woman… "Fabio can hardly count if you were referring to him!"

"Don't be ridiculous, dear. You dated for five years. I was just waiting for the day when he proposed to you."

"Mum. I was six."

"Well, you can't wait too long for these things. Before you know it you'll be forty years of age; old, alone and childless."

"Suits me," I muttered to myself.

"What was that, Rosa?"

"Nothing, mum, nothing." I replied. Sirius was smiling at me now. Hmm, he sure did pick his moments to be nice carefully… I sighed but smiled back.

"So this will be boyfriend number six…" Mum said slowly, clearly counting back in her head.

"Number four, including Fabio," I corrected habitually. Sirius raised his eyebrow at me. "I mean, we're not dating… it's… erm, we're not even friends…"

"Exactly." Sirius agreed, speaking for what I thought to be the first time since mum had arrived in the pub. His hurried reassurance was a bit insulting if I were totally honest… I wasn't that bad, was I? Was I?

"Well, Rosa, Sirius, mum and I must go-"

"…thank god," was my murmured reply.

"No we don't, Brendan, we have all the time in the world-"

"-you're perfectly right but these two lovebirds-"

"We're not dating!" I shouted.

"-by themselves." Brendan finished, giving me a pointed look. Ah.

"Some time alone would be nice…" I added, slipping in a very non-subtle, unconvincing wink in Sirius's direction. Please let her buy it, please let her buy, a voice in my head pleaded.

"Wha—OH! OH! Riiight… I see what you, err, mean…" Mum gave Sirius a nudge with her elbow and wriggled her eyebrows about.

"I AM adopted." I stated confidently. It's only a matter of time before it comes true, surely, I thought to myself, God just must be quite busy at the moment… I'm sure he'll find time within the next week or two to grant my wish of discovering that I am actually adopted and of royal ancestry and allow me to take up my rightful position as queen of the whole world. Yeah and someone will call his or her child Urine… (A/N: All of you 'Have I Got News For You' viewers; I know! I couldn't believe someone actually named their child that!)

-x-

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