Chapter 17: Trouble Magnet

Battles suck. Caves suck. Orcs suck…Pessimism sucks.

That was about the extent of Jo's thoughts during the battle in Balin's tomb. She can't really be blamed, considering she had to focus on…well, not dying. That takes a substantial amount of concentration for those who were not seasoned in battle. A.k.a., Jo and the Hobbits. Because APPARENTLY Iendil is a master fighter, and thus proceeded to try and impress all males present with her skills. She was a streak of blonde and violet in the midst of the gory battle. Because of course she changed her dress. It was only the fashionable thing to do.

Jo grit her teeth. Maybe I can save Frodo one nasty bruise by pushing Iendil in front of the troll's spear…An evil grin snaked its way across her face. But then she can't have fun playing with the little Balrog…

The orc she was contending with shot her a weird look once she started laughing evilly. Then she brained him. And that sounds bad-ass and all, but it's actually just gross and nasty. Quite messy too. Probably why Iendil prefers to fight with arrows from far away.

That, and the last time she played with a sword, she didn't have a very fun experience…Jo was overtaken with laughter once again at the memory.

It was approaching that point of the story where Frodo is stabbed by the troll, and Jo was getting worried. Not that Frodo was going to be hurt, because we all know that everyone's favorite blue-eyed Hobbit lives through that escapade. No, she was getting nervous about Iendil's antics. Said Sue was attempting to act discreet while plotting some random act of stupidity. So, naturally, she was drawing blatant amounts of suspicion to herself.

What in the heck is she planning? Jo narrowed her eyes. Whatever it is, you can bet it will be idiotic, selfish, and jeopardize the Quest. Naturally.

A scream rent the air suddenly, in the exact moment when Jo had stopped paying attention to Iendil in order to evade a charging orc. Jo cursed the Sues impeccable timing. "What now?!" She whirled around to see a very surprised Frodo on the floor, staring a Iendil. Who was now shish-kabob. Jo giggled. Aragorn shot her a look that was meant to be disapproving but fell short. In fact, he looked downright gleeful.

"Ugghhh…" Iendil moaned. "That hurt."

The rest of the group gaped at her. "How are you not dead?" Merry exclaimed.

"It takes more than a giant spear through like my stomach to like kill me!"

"That's what we're afraid of…" Gimli muttered gruffly to a bemused but rather frightened Sam.

"Kay so lets like go, I'm fine!" Iendil insisted. She then put on an obviously-staged show of attempting to get up and falling back down with an expression of pain on her face.

It was extremely obvious as to what Iendil was hoping would happen. I.e., Legolas sweeping her off her feet and carrying her through the rest of Moria. Aragorn, however, being quite loyal and selfless, was willing to sacrifice his own hygiene (not like he uses it much anyway…) to prevent that from happening.

He stepped forward and whisked Iendil up. Instead of carrying her in the oh-so romantic bridal style, he slung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Other than the fact that he was forced to touch a Sue, it really was no bother for him. She couldn't have weighed more than fifty pounds. But that was not the only satisfying thing about his sacrifice.

Let's just say that if Aragorn's hair was bad BEFORE Moria, it was terrible now. The lake water had only added to the greasy and funky smell. Add in a murky cave, still no bathing, and a messy battle with orcs, and well…the smell took some getting used to. The look on Iendil's face was priceless as she was pressed right up next to his hair.

Jo concealed her snort of laughter in her hands.

Iendil stopped staring at Aragorn's upside down rear end (hey, she's only a Sue, smelly guy or not) to look at her. "Jo, dearie, are you like alright?"

Jo blinked. "Uh…I was just touched by Aragorn's display of chivalry…" she lied.

It was Iendil's turn to blink. She nodded unsurely, clearly not understanding what Jo had said, but was intent on pretending she did.

Pippin let out what could be taken to be a long-suffering sigh. "Aragorn pick up you because you hurt." He said slowly, enunciating each syllable as one would to a small infant. Iendil stuck out her lower lip in a huff and attempted to turn away. But that doesn't work too well when one is slung over someone else's shoulder. So all she succeeded in doing is getting a nosefull of Aragorn's hair and nearly kicking him in the family jewels.

Once again, Jo had to hide her laughter.

"Jo, hon," Iendil sniffed. "I don't like think Pipsqueak's explanation was like all that touching…"

"Oh, no?"

"Totally. It was kinda like really mean!!!1"

"He was just pointing out your irrefutable ignorance. In the best way possible."

Of all that, Iendil only understood the last sentence. So she smiled at Pippin radiantly. "Oh like thanks cutie."

Pippin smiled back painfully, and shuddered when she turned away. "I feel violated," he whispered to Merry, who patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"A Balrog of Moria. This foe is beyond any of you—"

"Not beyond me!!!!!1" Iendil exclaimed suddenly, cutting Gandalf off. She hopped out of Aragorn's arms, miraculously healed. "It's like my like destiny to fight the Balrog!"

Jo blinked as a large sign suddenly crashed down in the midst of the group. It read, in giant letters, 'Flashback'. "What the hell?"

The world around them suddenly got all ripply and wavy as the caves around them were replaced with a forest. Iendil's voice took on a narrator quality.

They saw a girl running desperately through the woods with orcs in pursuit. How this girl got there was not revealed, and why the hell they should care was not apparent until the girl reached a clearing and tripped.

"Yep, that's definitely Iendil." Jo said, deadpan.

"What, the fluorescent clothing didn't give it away?" Legolas replied dryly.

So, I was like running for like my life from like a crapload of orcs and I like fell over and I was so sure I was like going to like die, but then this voice comes to me.

Surprised, the Company looked around, searching for the source of the voice. Aka Iendil.

"Iendil Ancawen. You are destined for greatness."

There was a long silence, and then the world swam back to normal. The letters on the sign morphed into 'End Flashback.' This was directly followed by another long silence, ending with Jo's indignant exclamation.

"THAT'S why you think you should fight the Balrog??! Are you out of your flippin' mind!?! You DO realize that it's a giant fiery demon??! It ain't a kitten!!"

"Relax child. I can like totally handle it."

Famous last words.

TBC…