A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

A/N: ANOTHER chapter! Aren't I nice? Ok, so I'm going to be listening to lots of music as I write this and it might influence it... just remember, don't blame me; blame the music. :P

-x-

"Rosa, you're pregnant." I'm sure it doesn't take too much imagination to realise how shocked I felt to be greeted by Mary, running over to me and saying these words to me. Shocked was an understatement; I felt like I was going to faint and I think Sirius could tell, as he grabbed my arm and steered me over to a chair by the fire. Mary followed us over and took the seat next to me.

"Ok. I think now's the time to explain to me how the fricking hell I got pregnant!" I practically screamed, my heart pounding painfully fast inside my chest.

"When a man and a woman love each other very much..." James started, appearing from behind Sirius and sitting down next to Mary.

"Oh ha ha, very funny," I stated coldly, as Sirius started laughing.

"Sirius is the father." Mary said simply.

"YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!" I shouted with horror. Sirius had stopped laughing now, though his amused expression was still annoying me immensely.

"Willow, if I'd got you pregnant you'd know about it. Afterall, being the best lover in Hogwarts-"

"Enough information!" Mary said, thankfully drowning Sirius' words out before he could finish his sentence. "McGonagall told me to tell you."

"McGonagall got Rosa pregnant?!" Sirius asked, laughing harder than ever, "God, didn't know she had it in her."

"Can we please stop being perverted?" I demanded rather than asked everyone.

"Congratulations it's a girl," Lily said in a bored tone, ignoring James' look of longing as she strolled past him and dumped a bundle of cloths in my arms. I held the bundle stiffly at arms length, not daring to look inside. Then something happened and I jumped out of my skin; the bundle cried. No kidding, there was tense silence and then a sudden shrill cry. A baby's cry.

"Oh my god, they've given us a baby! As if we couldn't screw our own lives up enough!" I whined, still not daring to look at the bundle. I shoved the bundle into Sirius' chest and slid further down into my chair, not looking at anyone.

"Actually it's a life-like doll," Sirius said, peering interestedly at the thing inside the bundle. He certainly seemed to know a lot more about babies than I did, which definitely surprised me as... well, Sirius wasn't exactly what one would call the paternal type. He was holding it close at the very least and the cries were certainly beginning to ebb away. I watched, wide-eyed.

"What?" Sirius asked, looking up and catching me eye.

"She didn't think you were the paternal type," Mary said.

"Wow, how did you do that?!" I asked Mary in awe, "Are you secretly a seer or something?"

"I wish. Then I could figure out where Brendan has disappeared off to with Bob." Mary muttered more to herself than me. She looked around the room, frowning, as she searched for any signs of my brother.

"Err, Bob?" Sirius said.

"The baby." Mary replied, rolling her eyes at him.

"Wait, a minute... POTTER!" Lily shouted, making me jump again; I was getting way too paranoid these days. James, who was hovering near the portrait hole, also jumped. He turned toward Lily, looking extremely guilty.

"Ah. I think it's time we left," I said, giving Sirius a pointed look.

"I'm coming too," Mary agreed, quickly grabbing her cloak, "I might find Brendan on the way."

"Potter, where's Clementine?" I snorted loudly and had to clap my hands over my mouth to force myself not to laugh. I pushed Sirius and Mary out of the portrait hole and the three of us (four including the doll) legged it down the corridor, Lily's shouts of "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST HER!" following us as we ran.

-x-

"What do we call it?" I asked, refusing to look at the thing in Sirius' arms. I turned to face the lake, my arms folded and my expression defiant.

"It's a she and I don't know. How about Bob?"

"Sirius!" I shrieked, grabbing the baby from his arms and giving him a look of disgust, "It's a girl, not a boy!"

"Yeah but Bob's a boy and girl name..."

"Erm, since when?"

"OK, point taken. Boblina it is."

"BOBLINA!"

"Glad you like it, now can we get back upto the castle, I'm freezing..." Sirius said, exaggerating a shiver. He had his hands dug deep into his robes pockets but the expression on his face as he looked over at the group of girls on the other side of the lake said it all.

"Ha. Celibacy must be killing you." I grinned. Sirius didn't reply; he didn't have to. He was now glaring and I could tell that talking about his sex life (or lack of) was killing him. "Isn't that Amber over there? That plunging neckline looks really good with a chest like hers... oh and look at Layla's mini-skirt... don't her legs look great in those tights... so long..."

"Rosa, shut up now," Sirius said through gritted teeth and I realised how great he must feel winding me up all the time.

"Ooh, look, Phoebe's just dropped her purse... she's bending down to pick it up... look at that arse! Wow, I bet you could see right down her top if we were on the side..."

"ROSA! Stop talking before I end up doing something I regret." Sirius cut me off, glaring at me.

"What? Like hex me?" I asked, challengingly.

"Don't be stupid," Sirius said and he grinned at me.

"Then what do you mean?"

"Never mind."

"No, seriously, what?" He shook his head but he continued to grin in a 'I-know-something-you-don't' way.

"Fine. Be like that." I said huffily. I held Boblina closer, spun around and began to stomp back upto the castle.

"She's my daughter too!" Sirius shouted after me, now laughing hysterically. How patronising that git could get!

"You're so funny!" I yelled back sarcastically, though I felt the corners of my mouth twitching.

"Rosa! Don't take Boblina! She's the only thing I have!"

"She's a doll, you nutter!"

"BOBLINA! DON'T BE SCARED, DARLING! DADDY'LL SAVE YOU! DON'T BLAME MUMMY, IT'S NOT HER FAULT; SHE WAS BORN A MANIAC!" Sirius shouted after us. I was now laughing so hard that my stomach was hurting. The bundle that was Boblina fell from my arms and rolled across the grass, hitting a tree trunk. Under normal circumstances I probably would have thought nothing of this but at that moment, it seemed the funniest thing I'd ever seen. I collapsed to my knees, tears now running down my cheeks, as I laughed at the doll and the ridiculous situation I yet again found myself in.

"I've looked everywhere; the greenhouses, the pumpkin patch and I can't find Brend- Rosa! What the hell is wrong with you!" I barely registered that Mary had appeared at my side and was now staring down at me with a look of wild disbelief on her face. She looked over at Sirius and I only laughed harder. "Sirius, what have you given her?"

"Nothing!" Sirius said; he was still laughing but nowhere near as bad as I was. "Willow, are you drunk?" He asked me, "Look, I'm sorry, but you have to kick the habit. Think of Boblina."

"My god, what is up with you two?"

"I think Boblina's dead." Cue harder laughter from both Sirius and myself. Mary stared at us, non-plussed.

"That is funny how?"

"No idea, Mary. Why don't you go and check her pulse?"

"You've gone mad. Both of you are flipping insane."

-x-

Please R&R!