Narrator: So, the Fellowship has met up with Gollum and Saruman! Let's see what happens.
Gandalf: Let's go see Elrond to see what we should do too help!
(the Fellowship walks into Elrond's room)
Gandalf: Elrond, what can we do to help save Rivendell?
Elrond: Well, I need some of you to go find some magical materials to make a magic-proof prison for Saruman. We already have a cage for Gollum, but if we try to capture him now, Saruman will just break him free and we'll have to build another cage for 'im. The rest of you can help fight.
Merry & Pippin: Ooh! Ooh! We wanna fight! We wanna fight!
Gandalf: Well, I guess there's no stopping them. (grumble fool of a Took and his mumble grumble) Who else wants to fight?
Legolas: Me!
Boromir: Me!
Gandalf: We need one more person to stay and fight.
Gimli: I will.
Gandalf: Then it's settled! Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli will fight. The rest of us will go on a mission to find magical stuff.
Elrond: Good. You go do that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pluck my eyebrows- I mean, uh, I have some important business to take care of. Yeah, that's it- business... (he leaves to take care of his so-called business)
Narrator: Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, and Aragorn go to find the magic-proof materials. Let's see what happens with the rest of the Fellowship!
Everyone: CHARGE!
Saruman: Mwahahahaha! Muahahahaha! Muuuwwwwaahahah-
Narrator: Okay, I think they get the point.
Saruman: MUUUUWWWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Narrator: SHUT UP ALREADY!
Saruman: Heeheehee...? Okay, well, back to business. (blows all 4 of Gimli's new hairs off another conveniently placed cliff)
Gimli: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (big breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (another big breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Narrator: But just then the Eagles arrive to help save Rivendell. They thought it was only fair to help Gimli again since he had made them a nest 10 times bigger then they had wanted, so one unlucky eagle took Gimli back to Galadriel. When he got there...
Gimli: Saruman blew your hairs of a cliff again! (sob)
Galadriel: (to herself:) What is up with these cliffs? Before long I'll be bald!
Gimli: BALD! (faints)
Galadriel: Bucket, please. (an elf gives her a bucket of water and she dumps it on Gimli)
Gimli: What happened?
Galadriel: You fainted. Now can we speed this up a bit? I'm very busy. (plucks 3 hairs) Here you go. Bye.
Gimli: But that eagle left! How will I get back to the rest of the Fellowship?
Galadriel: Here. (hands him a box of magic dust) This will teleport you to the rest of the Fellowship when you sprinkle a pinch on yourself. And this (hands him another box of fairy dust) will teleport you back to me.
Gimli: Oh thank you! Thank you! (sprinkles a pinch of magic dust)
Narrator: In Rivendell:
Left half of Gimli: Whoa, what happened?
Merry, Pippin, Legolas, and Boromir: (shrug)
Narrator: On a mountain:
Right half of Gimli: Whoa, what happened?
Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam: (shrug)
Gandalf: How did... this half of you... get here?
Right half of Gimli: I teleported using this magic dust that Galadriel said will teleport me back to the Fellowship.
Gandalf: Well the Fellowship is in 2 different places, so...
Aragorn: Well, no turning back now! Let's go!
(Gandalf, Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam go)
Right half of Gimli: It's kinda hard to walk with only 1 foot!
Gandalf: ARAGORN! (gives Aragorn a 'go-carry-Gimli-or-else' sort of look)
Aragorn: (goes to carry Gimli or else)
Narrator: They get to the top of the mountain. Sam decides to make soup for dinner. He drops his spoon and refuses to use a regular stick. So the fellowship climbs al the way down to get it. As the climb up for the second time...
Sam: Oh no! The snow's getting deeper! (picks up Frodo and carries him)
Frodo: Sam! (struggles to break free) Sam, I'm fine! Really! Sam! Put me down! SAMWISE BOB GAMGEE, you put me down right this instant!
Sam: But, Mr. Frodo! Bob isn't my middle name. I don't even have a middle name!
Frodo: Well it sounds so much more forceful that way... Oh fine. SAMWISE GAMGEE, PUT ME DOWN!
Sam: I'm afraid I can't do that Mr. Frodo. You could sink in the snow.
Frodo: (thinks really hard) Sam... (cough cough) Sam, you're strangling me! (cough cough) Put me (cough) down!
Sam: Oh no! I'll save you, Mr. Frodo! (puts him down and starts doing CPR)
Aragorn: (to himself): I knew they were close, but...
Frodo: SAM! GET OFF ME!
Sam: (hugs Frodo until he turns blue) Mr. Frodo, you're all right! Oh I was so worried!
Frodo: Okay, Sam, now you've crossed the line!
Sam: Oh. Right. Sorry.
Frodo: Well don't let it happen again.
Sam: I swear by all that is good, like taters: I won't let it happen again.
Frodo: (sigh) That's the exact same thing you said last time. And the time before that. And the time before that. And the time before that. And the (does some calculating) 347 times before that.
Sam: Eheheh...
Gandalf: Um... hey look! It's the magicy stuff!
Aragorn: He's right! There it is! (points to some glowing stuff)
Gandalf: Really? Where? Uh... I mean... of course I'm right! (to himself) Wow. I can't believe that worked!
Narrator: So, when they get back to Rivendell, they capture Saruman in the magic-proof cage and Gollum in the other cage. While the Fellowship is talking to Elrond...
Gollum: Hey! Over here. Pssssssst. We wantsss you to come lisssten to usss!
The two elves: Why do you talk so funny? And... what are you?
Gollum: We isss a Gollum. And we hasss a job for you nasssty... we meansss... wonderful elvesssesss. We wantsss you to go give Sssaruman a messsage, we doesss. The messsage isss that we can help him get out if he givesss usss three wissshesssesss. Alssso tell him to teleport to usss.
The two elves: Sure. Okay. We can do that.
The girl elf: I'm Lelfie by the way.
The boy elf: And I'm Elfie.
Elfie and Lelfie at the exact same time: We're twins! Jynx! (sigh) I hate it when that happens! Hey, me too! Okay, I'm just gonna stop talking.
(when they get to Saruman...)
Elfie and Lelfie: We have a message for you!
Saruman: Who's it from?
Elfie and Lelfie: It's from a... a Gollum.
Saruman: Well what did Gollum say?
Elfie and Lelfie: He said "We wantsss you to go give Sssaruman a messsage, we doesss..."
Saruman: JUST TELL ME THE MESSAGE!
Elfie and Lelfie: He can help you get out if you give him three wishes. Also, he said to tell you to teleport to him.
Narrator: Elfie and Lelfie do the same intro as with Gollum.
Saruman: Whatever. (he vanishes in a puff of smoke)
Saruman: (to Gollum) What are your wishes?
Gollum: Our firssst wisssh isss that you musssst break usss out, too.
Smeagol: No itsss not.
Gollum: Yesss it isss, preciosss. Yesss it isss.
Saruman: And you second wish?
Gollum: For it to be raining fissshh!
Saruman: When we escape, that will be really noticeable. How about for the fish to be invisible and only around you. And they'll disappear after a while so they don't build up and drown the whole world in fish.
Gollum: Yesss, preciosss, we sssuposssesss that will do.
Saruman: So how do I... I mean we get out?
Gollum: Thisss cage isn't magicsss proof.
Saruman: Those idiots! (grants Gollum's wish and turns both of them invisible; they start escaping)
Gollum: (thinking) We finally are free, preciosss! Free!
Smeagol: (thinking) No preciosss, we mussst go back, preciosss! We Mussst!
Gollum: (thinking) No! We mussst essscape from those nasssty elvesssesss!
Narrator: But eventually, Smeagol won over Gollum and they headed back.
Saruman: (thinking) That stupid swamp creature! Where'd he go now? Oh well.
Narrator: Aragorn, who was sitting there, had just invented heat-vision goggles (and what a convenient time!) so he could see Saruman.
skyheart15: We learned a phrase for that in language arts - "Dea ex Machina" (its Latin or Greek or something).
Aragorn: Saruman! Get back here!
Saruman: (thinks Aragorn can't really see him)
Aragorn: Dude! I can see you! (grabs him and and drags him back to his magic proof cage) And how'd you get out, anyway?
Saruman: (not invisible anymore) Two elves named Elfie and Lelfie.
Narrator: By now, the Fellowship and some elves have gathered.
Legolas: Ahh. Elfie and Lelfie. I remember them from kindergarten, 160 years ago... they always were troublemakers.
Elrond: We've got to get them... un-evil! The way they were before the effects of the ring. We'll start with Gollum.
Narrator: Then, Gollum sends a secret message to Saruman that the fish are annoying and he uses his third wish to stop the raining fish. Then, the Fellowship gets Gollum to eat cooked fish by cooking his food just 1 minute more every day, so he doesn't notice. Both halves of Gimli teleport to Galadriel at the same time and then the whole Gimli teleports to the Fellowship. All is well. For now, anyway.
skyheart15: Sorry to rush the ending, but this chapter is getting too long!
Commercial narrator: This ends the third chapter, which was the longest chapter so far. Stay tuned, because the next episode is the funniest one yet, and maybe the funniest one there will ever be. The Fellowship begins taking classes at Rivendell. Elfie and Lelfie cause more trouble. Saruman's secret is revealed, and much much much much more! See you next time on the...
Chorus: "Whatever this Show is Called" Show!
Commercial narrator: Slash "Lord of the Rings Humor".