A Parental Guide
By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks
a.k.a Miss Willow
A/N: This will be the LONGEST chapter by far in this story. So everyone had better review! XD Oh and for those of you who already believe this story is too far-fetched, I warn you this chapter passes over that mark. But please read anyway! And the next chapter after is also... interesting.
-x-
"Oh my god!" I shrieked, staring at the notice board in disbelief, as I busily bounced Boblina on my hip. I had actually got quite into the hang of the whole mother role and now I had almost got used to having to change my top twice a day for the mess of baby sick all over it. I had been having a good day up until that moment that I chose to look at the notice board but now things weren't going too well.
"What?" Lily asked, appearing beside me. I pointed wordlessly at the notice. She stepped forward and squinted at the notice.
"Oh no..." Her voice trailed off. The look on her face showed the horror I was feeling inside. "This is all we need..."
James and Sirius had been chatting animatedly about throwing dung bombs at Mrs. Norris by the fire but they had both fallen silent now. James was watching us, puzzled, while Sirius was staring into the fire in a bored manner. "What's up with you two?" James said loudly.
"There's... going to be a baby shower..." I replied, wincing.
"Oh," James said uninterested.
"We have to organise it," Lily told him glumly.
"You're kidding, right?" James asked, clearly unable to believe what he was hearing. Lily gave him a look. James whooped and high-fived Sirius.
"Hey everyone!" Mary greeted, clambering through the portrait hole, followed by a disgruntled looking Brendan, holding a screaming baby Bob at arms length. The expression of utter disgust on his face said it all. "What's happening?"
"A PARTY!" James shouted, whooping loudly again. He got to his feet and ran over to the notice, pushing me out of the way to get a better look at the scrap of parchment that had appeared in our common room earlier that day. Brendan dumped Bob on Mary and rushed over also, looking like his dreams had come true.
"It's tomorrow night! Oh my god, what am I going to do about my HAIR?!" Brendan exclaimed with terror, clutching at his black hair, "Rosa, I need to borrow straightners."
"Brendan, if I had any do you really like I'd have my hair like this?" I said and I pointed at the bush on my head that was also known as my hair.
"PARTY! PARTY! PAR-TAY!" Sirius and James had gone mad and combined with the screams of baby Bob I was finding it almost impossible to think straight.
"Good point," Brendan said.
"It's fine, Lily! We just tell them that no alocohol is allowed!" I shouted over the havoc to Lily, who looked close to having a panic attack at the possibility of how many rules James and Sirius could manage to break when given a whole night to do so.
"PARTY! PARTY! PARTY, PARTY, PARTY, PAAAARTAY!"
"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!" Lily screeched. Everyone fell silent. James was gawping at Lily, Sirius was gawping at Lily, Mary was gawping at Lily, Brendan was gawping at Lily, I was gawping at Lily and Bob and Boblina would have been gawping, I'm sure but they were dolls, so it wasn't possible. Lily never shouted. Ever. Not even at James. Shouting was something that Lily 'rose above'. "OK. There will be no alcohol and definitely NO SEX." Lily finished her last point with a pointed glare at Sirius.
"Why does everyone look at me when people mention sex?" Sirius said, grinning arrogantly. I rolled my eyes and headed back to the dormitory, moving Boblina to my arms.
"Where are you going?" I turned around and glared at Sirius.
"Well, seeing as I already know there's no point me trying to help with the baby shower as you and James will be organising the whole thing-"
"Too right!" James and Sirius interrupted, exchanging sly looks.
"-and making a nightmare of it, then I thought I'd go and find something something to wear..." I said, sighing.
"I like the top you're wearing now," Sirius said.
"For the baby shower, you idiot. Or the PAR-TAY as you lot call it." I snapped with irritation.
"I'm going up to my dormitory too..." Lily agreed and she disappeared up the dormitory steps before James could even attempt to make a sordid joke about him going to bed with her. Mary looked at Brendan and they gave eachother significant nods, before also heading to their dormitories, muttering vague 'goodbye's to me.
I gave Sirius a short wave, before continuing up the stairs, almost positive I heard James mutter, "Ok, so who's going to hire the stripper?"
-x-
"Are you ready to go yet?" Sirius asked, irritated. I chose not to answer and instead concentrated on putting another layer of mascara onto my eyelashes. I heard him sigh impatiently and smiled triumphantly to myself. "How long does it take for someone to get ready for a party- I mean, baby shower..."
"Not long. I'm done. See." I announced. I placed my mascara back down on the dressing table and looked down at the clothes I was wearing uncertainly. I wasn't stupid; I knew the baby shower was going to turn out to be one big party, but I also knew that meant a load of drunken teenage boys making passes at random girls. I had therefore originally decided to cover up as much as skin as possible but realised that even I couldn't go to a party wearing a woollen jumper by mother had given me last Christmas. So I had eventually scrapped the no skin showing idea and worn a red casual dress, deciding that I would keep my arms folded for the entire night instead, as Lily had mentioned that such a gesture told people to keep at a distance from you.
"OK. Are we ready to go now?" Sirius repeated. I pondered on annoying him some more by adding more eyeliner but eventually just nodded. He instantly brightened and grabbed my hand, beginning to pull me down the stairs, as if he thought I was going to try and run off at any second. That definitely meant there was going to be a party. Lily would freak go insane, then hysterical and start hexing everyone in sight. Mental note, I thought, keep within ten feet of Lily at all times during the night.
We walked into the common room and found Alice and Frank already waiting for us, holding their own baby, Neville. They were the only couple where both the mother and the father were taking the project seriously and I found myself almost longing to have married Frank instead of Sirius. Sirius, who had been watching me again, seemed to mistake my longing for a good husband for my longing for a shag partner, and made sure to stand inbetween Frank and myself on our way down to the party.
"Are Lily and James already there?" I said, turning to Alice, who was standing on my right side, holding Neville to her chest. The rest of the 'babies' had been sent down to the Great Hall to wait for us but Alice and Frank, being the loving parents they were, had insisted on keeping baby Neville with them at all times. Now that I thought about it, it had probably been a test of some sort by the Professors... oh well, at least I had managed to get an hour free of baby puke and constant crying.
"Well, James is..." Alice told me, grinning.
"Ah. Trying to put off being hexed for as long as possible?" I replied, knowing perfectly well that was James' intentions.
Alice laughed, "Yes, something like that. Brendan and Mary are already there, though, your brother wearing the most gorgeous, backless, green dress I have ever seen," Trust my own brother to upstage me, yet again, "you wouldn't happen to know where he got it?"
"He got it specially made by a family friend, who knows the designer," I said darkly.
"OH. Your dress is quite nice as well, by the way," Alice said, as an after thought. I tried to smile back but found myself scowling at the back of her head as she walked in front of me.
"I like your dress," Sirius offered, surprisingly helpfully, as he moved to stand next to me, still watching Frank over my shoulder.
"Really?" I said hopefully.
"Yes, it's much nicer than Brendan's," Sirius said, walking closer to me now that he knew he wasn't going to be shouted at.
"How do you know? You haven't even see Brendan," I asked, though I was smiling all the same.
"Yes but any girl wearing a dress will look better than a boy wearing a dress," Sirius replied and I laughed, feeling slightly better.
We finally reached the entrance of the Great Hall and before we entered, I noticed Sirius take a step away from me and wasn't sure if I was thankful about it or a little offended. I didn't have to open the doors, as suddenly James came bounding out of nowhere, grinning like an idiot.
"SIRIUS! My old buddy, my old chummy chum chum... chinny chin chin... haha..." James said, stopping in front of us and swaying on the spot. He attempted to put an arm around Sirius' shoulder but missed and fell forward onto the floor. Sirius laughed.
"How much have you had to drink, Prongs?" I heard him whisper, as he helped James up from the floor.
"Pfft! What are you talking about, Padfoot old guy! I haven't had a drop of anything other than punch all night!" James said loudly, raising the glass of punch he was holding and sloshing most of it down his front. Someone brushed against my shoulder and I turned round in time to see a furious Lily Evans, pushing her way through the crowd to get to James.
"RUN! JAMES! RUN!" James shouted at himself, as he caught sight of Lily. He ran at full speed through the doors of the Great Hall and crashed head first into the food table, sending an assortment of cheese nibbles flying onto the dance floor. I had never seen Lily look so angry in her life and I could feel my own anger rising quickly as well.
"MY GOD POTTER! YOU'VE DONE IT THIS TIME!" Lily shrieked, stepping over James and staring around the hall in horror. The Great Hall looked more like a sleazy, strip club than the place we all had breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. There were five sets of tables, all full to the brim with food and each containing a gigantic bowl, filled with red punch. There was a stage at the back of the hall, on which half a dozen metal cages had been placed. A disco ball hung above our heads and a DJ stood at a DJ booth at the far end of the hall, setting us his equipment.
Lily was right. James had gone way too far. "ROSA! WHAT DO WE DO!" Lily screamed, fast becoming hysterical. She turned to face me with wild, brown eyes and I faltered.
"I have no idea..." I said faintly.
"MCGONAGALL COULD SEE!"
"WHAT!" I screamed, joining Lily in her hysteria at the mention of the Head of Gryffindor's name, "YOU'RE JOKING!"
"OF COURSE I'M NOT! SHE IS GOING TO COME AND CHECK ON US AT SOME TIME DURING THE NIGHT! KNOWING OUR LUCK, WHEN THE STRIPPERS ARRIVE!" Lily shouted, now finding it hard to breathe properly.
"Stripper, actually," Brendan said, coming up to us and thrusting glasses of punch into our hands. I looked Brendan up and down and had to admit that his dress was truly gorgeous and looked brilliant with his now spiked black hair.
"Yes, we managed to get a mother of a fellow Gryffindor to do it," James slurred at Lily, clinking his glass against hers. I felt so sorry for that Gryffindor; having their mother strip at a party full of people they had to face everyday, could hardly be a good thing.
There was a loud boom, before the deafening words of 'Everybody Dance Now' were shouting through the hall, vibrating the floor beneath us.
"WOO! I love this song!" Mary screamed, dancing over to us. She grabbed Brendan's hands and the two of them twirled back onto the dance floor.
I just stood still, rooted to the spot, my mouth wide open, as I gawped at everyone and everything. The anger was going, only to be replaced by a feeling of numbness. "Are you ok, Willow?" Sirius asked.
"I need a drink..." I murmured. I threw back the glass punch in my hand and found that my legs were already leading me over to the punch bowl to get another.
I passed by the cots, in which the four babies (Neville had joined them), were placed and saw Mary and Brendan dancing crazily behind them. Brendan shouted something over to me and I think it was something to do with 'mind the drink' but I merely waved it off and helped myself to another glass of punch.
-x-
Three glasses of punch later and the world seemed that much brighter. 'Saturday Night' was now booming from the speakers and the punch bowl and I were beginning to have a good time. I was laughing hysterically, as I held the punch bowl in my arms, spinning around on the spot, feeling increasingly dizzy. I stopped and noticed that a bunch of girls, all members of Sirius' fan club, had somehow appeared in the middle of the dancefloor.
"Rosa..." Lily came over to me and tapped me on the shoulder.
"LILLEH!" I shrieked, dropping the punch bowl and trying to hug her. Like James had earlier, I missed, and Lily was forced to dive to catch the punch bowl before it hit the floor.
"Rosa, you're drunk!" Lily spluttered, getting back to her feet. She slammed the punch bowl down on the table and grabbed onto my arm, causing me to stumble into her.
"Ooh, Lily, I never knew you felt that way..." I giggled like a mad woman, batting Lily away. Lily was staring at me in horror. I had been her last resort; the only other sane and responsible person at the party and now I was drunk.
"You're drunk!" She repeated.
"No, I'm not, silly! I've only been drinking punch!" I told her, suddenly feeling quite confused.
"SIRIUS!" Lily shouted at the top of her voice. Sirius, who had been busy dancing in the middle of the crowd of girls, came wandering over to us.
"Yes?" He asked, slightly breathless from all the dancing. Then he saw me. I began to giggle madly again and opened my arms, giving Sirius a big hug, for no other reason than I felt very strange.
"Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, guess what! The punch is lovely, let's go try some!" I said, jumping up and down on the spot now. I wheeled around and headed back over to the punch bowl.
"I think you've had enough to punch, Rosa," He exclaimed, grabbing onto my arm and pulling me away from the punch bowl. He handed me over to Lily and headed over to the punch bowl himself. He poured himself some punch and took a small sip.
"My god, that's almost pure vodka," He said, wiping his sleeve across his mouth and looking at me with realisation, "How many glasses have you had?"
"One... four... three... I had three!" I replied, clapping my hands together.
"THREE?!" Sirius asked in disbelief. "Ok, it's no wonder you're pissed of out your head then,"
"But I don't get it! Who put that much vodka in!" Lily wondered aloud. Sirius and I looked at eachother. Lily looked at the both of us. Then the penny dropped. "POTTER!" Lily screeched and she ran off into the dance floor, in search of James.
I had stopped giggling now but I was grinning stupidly out at the dance floor, "Where is James?"
"Over there with his head in the punch bowl," Sirius said with a smirk, pointing over at him.
"WHO ORDERED A STRIPPER?!" A oh-too-familiar voice screamed.
"WE DID!" Everyone shouted, apart from Sirius and myself, who were too busy staring at the person who had appeared in the entrance of the Great Hall. There, wearing a pink and black striped cat suit, stood my mother. Yes, MY mother.
"MUM!" Brendan shrieked, promptly dropping Mary, who he had been spinning around his head. Mary screamed and fell to the floor but Brendan didn't even seem to notice. "MUM!" He shouted again. He rushed over and tried to shield her from view, similarly to how he had done when I had been in the astronomy tower. "PUT SOMETHING ON!"
"I already have something on..." Mum said, dare I say it, seductively. She caught sight of Sirius and myself and made her way over, twirling her cat's tail with a sexy smile.
"Sirius," She purred, "How nice to see you again..."
"Hi mum!" I giggled hysterically, giving her a hug.
"Well, I'm glad someone's happy to see me," Mum said, watching Brendan, who was busy shouting himself hoarse at Mary, making angry gestures over toward mum.
"Ooh, mum, mum, can I strip too!" I said, laughing again.
"Hmmm, well, I spose if I don't let you, someone else will!" Mum exclaimed, positively beaming, "Ok, let's go!"
"Rosa, no!" Sirius said loudly, standing in front of me.
"What's wrong? Don't you want to see my strut my stuff?" I began to laugh uncontrollably again.
"Rosa, don't be so stupid-"
"Heehee!" I cackled, skipping across the Great Hall and onto the stage.
The song 'Sexy Back' began to resound through the hall and I got very excited, dancing my way around the stage.
"Woo! GO ROSA!" James shouted below me, also dancing around below me.
"I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK!" Mum screamed from inside one of the cages.
"MUM!" Brendan hollered angrily.
"Rosa, for god's sakes, get down!" Sirius shouted up at me as well. I ignored him and continued to dance around. Sirius glared at me and jumped up into the stage and began to steer me off.
"Dude! What are you doing!" James said, gawping at Sirius. Sirius let go of me and gave me a look of utter confusion and uncertainty. He turned away, a look of horror on his face.
"THEM OTHER BOYS DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT!"
"MUM! MUM! NO!"
"Oh my god, I just stopped a girl from stripping!" Sirius exclaimed in a sort-of trance.
"SO TURN AROUND AND- BRENDAN! STOP IT!" Mum screamed, trying to prise Brendan's hands off the bars of the cage. Brendan was already advancing on Frank, who had got up onto stage and was giving mum flirty looks. Boy, he was going to have a hell of a load of regrets in the morning...
"EVERYONE STOP IT!" Everyone fell silent. Brendan's arm hesistated in mid-air, ready to punch Frank. Sirius and James were still gawping at eachother. I stopped my twirling on the spot and Lily, stood behind Professor McGonagall, having the decency to look ashamed at herself.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!" McGonagall shouted angrily. She stormed over to the DJ and turned the music off. "YOU! PACK YOUR STUFF UP AND GET OUT OF THIS SCHOOL!" The DJ didn't need telling twice and hurriedly began to pack his equipment away.
"WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON-" McGonagall began to demand but was cut off by the screams of a baby. More screams joined the baby and McGonagall turned around, quickly spotting Boblina, who was floating in the middle of a punch bowl. "WHAT IS THIS! WHY IS THERE A BABY IN THE PUNCH BOWL!"
"There's a baby in every punch bowl, Professor," I said unhelpfully.
"IS ANYONE HERE SOBER?!" No-one but Lily rose their hand. Even Sirius had had alcohol. "RIGHT! THAT'S IT ALL OF YOU OFF TO BED! I WILL DEAL WITH YOU ALL IN THE MORNING! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?" There were a few nods of agreement, before McGonagall stormed her way back out of the hall, no doubtedly on her way to tell Dumbledore.
-x-
Please R&R!