A Parental Guide
By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks
a.k.a Miss Willow
A/N: Ok. I lied. Well, not intentionally, but I did. THIS is the second to last chapter. I know, I know, I shouldn't be messing my readers around but the idea that I had for the last chapter really needs to take two chapters instead of one if it's going to reach its full potential. You may be angry at me now (I hope you're not) but hopefully when you read this chapter and the next you'll forgive me. P
-x-
We sat in silence for ten minutes and before long I found myself glaring at Sirius. He wasn't going to discuss this. I knew he wasn't. He either couldn't be bothered or just didn't want to. I could feel myself getting angry again and had to let out a few calming breaths. I didn't know what it was about Sirius Black that made me so infuriated all the time but it sure as hell pissed me off.
"It's going to rain…" Sirius announced and, sure enough, when I glanced up at the sky, dark grey rain clouds were hovering over Hogwarts castle. I could see the relief in his expression and let out a huff. He turned to look at me, "What?"
"Oh, just forget it," I said angrily, pushing myself to my feet and wiping my hands on the back of my robes with a stony look on my face.
"No, what have I done now?" Sirius asked. There was something about his sarcastic tone that made me even angrier and before I could stop myself I had started storming off. Again. God, that must have made it the third or fourth time that week that I had to stomped away from Sirius in a rage.
I heard Sirius groan. He caught up with me by the time I had stomped my way into the entrance hall, up the first flight of stairs and was in the process of going up a third flight. "Rosa, will you please stop storming off," Sirius told me, grabbing onto my arm. Wow, he must have grabbed my arm at least three times that week too. Maybe it was a sign that I should never trust things that came in threes.
"You're being pathetic and immature," Sirius said, as I jumped onto the next flight of stairs, determinedly ignoring Sirius' angry remarks. "You can't act like an adult for once in your life, can you? No, first sign of a disagreement and you're off on your way, stomping around the castle like a toddler. But then of course, I'm sorry, god forbid anyone should ever disagree with Rosa! No! How could they! Rosa is always right! Rosa is never wrong! Sirius is the bad person-"
"WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!" I shouted, furious. I had been heading to the common room but I doubted I could stand even another second in Sirius Black's company. I stormed my way down the corridor and knew that Sirius was following me. I saw a door lying open and seized my chance. I rushed through the door and tried to close it but Sirius had quicker reflexes than I did and managed to push his way through the door after me. He slammed the door shut behind us.
"Now, will you please listen!" Sirius exclaimed. I didn't answer but instead continued gawping at the room we had entered into. The room was unlike any other room I had seen in Hogwarts. It looked like the set of a porn movie to be exact. The whole room was pink. On the wall hung a fluorescent sign, similar to one that could be found outside a chip shop, saying… "Love Shack?!" I shrieked in horror and suddenly everything made sense. Well, it certainly explained to me why there was a heart-shaped, double bed lying in the middle of the room and why there were whips and fluffy pink hand cuffs hanging from the walls. Oh and also why there was a draw labelled 'wizdoms' in the far end of the room. I caught Sirius' eye and flushed.
But what I didn't understand was why Sirius was standing there, watching all this, with a huge smirk on his face. "I don't see what's so funny about this!" I spluttered, still gazing around the room in horror.
"Oh, well, I certainly do!" Sirius said, winking at me. Wait… Sirius winked at me. My god what the hell was happening! "You see, this little room that you've stumbled upon in called the Room of Requirement and it turns to whatever the person who first enters the room."
I opened my mouth, ready to give Sirius a huge lecture on his perverted mind when I realised that Sirius hadn't entered the room first. I had. My blush deepened. "SO, Rosa, I don't think there is any dispute as to how you feel about me!"
"Yes there is!" I exclaimed angrily, refusing to give in.
"Really? I'd love to here how you're going to get of this..." Sirius said and he pulled a chair over. He sat in it and gave me an expectant look. A strand of hair fell into his grey eyes and I knew that under any under circumstances I would be having trouble not to think thoughts that I shouldn't about Sirius.
"You see... it's the house elves," I told him. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, the house elves! House Elves have really... high sex drives! They are at it day and night. Like you, but unlike house elves you actually have the choice... with house elves it's very much like a sickness. An illness. A disease."
"A disease?" Sirius asked, fighting to keep a straight face. I nodded vigrously. "Oh and, err, is there any cure for this disease?"
"Nope! So I think we should leave the house elves to their privacy! Bye house elves!" I said loudly and I pushed Sirius over toward the door.
"Rosa, there aren't any house elves here," Sirius tried to tell me but I wasn't paying attention. Seconds before, I had turned the door handle to the door of the Room of Requirement and the door hadn't opened. I gave the handle another ferocious tug. Nothing.
"Siiiiiiirius..." I moaned angrily.
"What?"
"The door's stuck and it's all your fault!" I said, scowling.
"I'm not even going to bother arguing with you-"
"-Only because you'll know you'll lose-"
"-And I'm going to do the sensible and mature thing and instead ask you if you would be kind enough to escort me to dinner," Sirius announced and he offered me his arm in a mock gentlemanly way.
"But we're locked in here..." I started but trailed off when I saw the plates set out on the table again. I sighed, glanced at Sirius' offered arm, rolled my eyes and took it. He grinned at me and led me over to the table. I sat down in one chair and he sat in the other.
"Aand tonight we're having a wonderful dinner of..." Sirius said and I did a mock drum roll on the table edge with my fingers. He reached over and lifted the platter up. The drum roll stopped. "Oh my god, a tin of beans and some cheese! What sort-of warped imagination do you have, Willow?"
I chose to ignore the use of my surname and instead focused on the plates, where, sitting next to the tin of beans and cheese, was a slice of toast that looked oddly familiar. "FLORENCE!" I shouted suddenly. "I've missed you!"
"Ok... either I'm going mad or you're talking to a piece of toast..." Sirius said, eyeing me with uncertainty.
I gave him a withering look, "Florence ISN'T a piece of toast. She was the family pet."
"Oh," Sirius said, trying to appear casual. He picked up the toast and began to raise it to his mouth, "How long have you had Florence then?"
"Two years or so," The toast was quickly dropped and I laughed.
"I suppose we'll have to name the rest of the food then," Sirius said sarcastically.
"No need, I've already got names for them. The tin of beans is called Algernon."
"Algernon?" Sirius scoffed.
"Says the person who called our daughter BOBLINA!"
"Boblina is a unique and exotic name. Algernon is what you call Ravenclaws."
"And what, exactly, is wrong with Ravenclaws?"
"Well, they're a bunch of geeks for a start."
"No they're not!"
"Fine. I just don't want our tin of baked beans to be a Ravenclaw."
"It's my tin of baked beans too!"
"OK! Let's stop arguing about naming food!" Sirius said loudly, putting a stop to our bickering hurriedly, "Now, what should we call our cheese?"
"Don't be stupid, Sirius. You don't name pieces of CHEESE!" I spluttered. Sirius gave me a look of complete and utter disbelief, before he shook his head. I took his silence as a good sign to continue with my ranting about our situation, "And wizdoms? I mean, come on! This is a school! What sort-of room encourages teenagers to have sex!"
Sirius shrugged and said, "I guess they know that there's no use trying to stop us..."
"Ha. It's still no excuse."
"I think it's time we put them to use..." Sirius said and he winked at me.
I looked at him for a few seconds, before grinning eagerly, "Exactly! Let's fill them with water and drop them on Slytherins out of the window!"
"... not exactly what I was thinking but I have to admit that your idea is brilliant!" Sirius said. He also grinned and quickly pulled open the drawer of wizdoms. I grabbed the glasses of water and we began to fill them up. Sirius tied the end into a knot and when we had got a good dozen or so wizdom bombs, we headed over to the window and began to search for unsuspecting Slytherins.
Sirius was the first to spot someone. "Oi! Malfoy!" He yelled out of the window. Malfoy looked up at the two of us and sneered.
"What do you want, Black? By the way, I heard about that fight you had Willow... something to do with your mum being a whore... if it does run in the family, I wouldn't mind a quick fumble in the broom clos-" Malfoy was cut off as two wizdom bombs hit him square in the face. Sirius and I burst into a fit of hysterics, laughing, as we watched Malfoy curse up at us, wiping his dripping blond hair out of his eyes.
"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!" Malfoy shouted up at us.
"Oh, go shag Narcissa!" Sirius shouted back at him.
"Go fuck your mother! Sorry, Willow's mother!"
"Get a life!"
"OH! LOOK! IT'S SNAPE!" I shouted a little too loudly. Snape, who had stopped to smirk at the soaked Lucius, looked up at Sirius and myself with a glare.
"If it isn't Black and the new girl. Where's Potter, Black? You two are usually so far up each other's arses-" Snape began to say but (you guessed it) was interrupted instantly by a wizdom bomb exploding on his head.
"Nice one!" Sirius told me.
"Why thank you!" I said, smiling at him.
"No need to thank us, Snivellus!" Sirius called out, "Your hair needed a good wash and we've just saved the poor sod of a hairdresser from having to touch your greasy head!" Snape made a very rude hand gesture and Sirius lobbed another wizdom bomb at him. He ducked behind Malfoy, who got hit once again in the face.
"STOP WITH THE EFFING WATER BOMBS!"
"THEY'RE WIZDOM BOMBS ACTUALLY!" Sirius and I shouted at them. We threw the rest of the bombs, as the two Slytherins ran off into the safety of the entrance hall, laughing as we did.
The two of us walked back into the middle of the room, laughing. Sirius was having to support himself against the wall he was laughing so hard and that's when my ingenius idea came to me. I grinned slyly to myself and edged my way over to the three-way hand-cuff that lay on the table (the room of requirement was definitely too kinky), deciding it was best to distract Sirius first, "We showed them, right?"
"We? More like I, Willow. All the best shots came from me!"
"Yeah, including the one where you said 'nice one' to me!"
"OK... maybe there were a few OK shots that you made..."
"More like brilliant- HA!" I shrieked triumphantly. Sirius looked at me, confused, before glancing up to where I had hand-cuffed him to the wall.
"Very funny, Rosa. Where's the key?" Sirius asked.
"Nowhere!"
"It's in your hand!"
I lobbed the key out of the window, "Not anymore it isn't! Anyway, I think I'll have to get going!"
"The door's jammed."
"Yeah but I'll- ow!" I stopped my explanation when Sirius suddenly grabbed me by the wrist and locked me in the remaining handcuff. Unfortunately, the handcuffs weren't as long as I originally thought they were, which meant that I was sandwiched between Sirius Black and a pink, stone wall. I mean there was literally no space between Sirius and me and this was a position that I did NOT want to be in. I didn't. Honestly. I swear. Of course.
-x-
Please R&R!