A/N: Apologies if this story seems a little forced and stilted or whatever. I had so much trouble writing it, it was horrendous. Writer's Block shall die a truly ignoble death involving skewers. I may even strap it to a chair and force it to watch Bambi and The Sound of Music and some other brutally tragic movie where little bunnies hop around in a frolicsome manner and everyone sings rather crap songs…

(ARRRRRRGGGHHHH!!! SCARY!!!!)

A/N#2: Huge, nay, gigantic thanks to my friendy Ghostly Hand's Pen who gave me the Confucius quote that gave me the idea for this fic. It is indeed appreciated, as are your great reviews. Thanks heaps. Anyway, enough rambling. Thanks, Ghostly, like, a lot. You rock. And now on to the fic.

Chapter Four

Snakenapped

Forget injuries, never forget kindness…

– Confucius

It had to have happened at some stage. Erika just wished that it hadn't happened so soon…

But wishes weren't going to get the scruffy teenage wereleopardess at this point, so she simply discarded them and went back to shouting at D.

Count D and Erika Hunter were having their very first argument… And it wasn't just any old argument. This was one of those fights where klaxon horns sound and people take shelter in their bathrooms with their mattresses over their heads. This little quarrel was going nuclear.

It had all started so innocently. Benny-Boy and the Plummy One, the strange pair of hired thugs who had been responsible for Erika's little genetic transformation into that of a semi magical being, had slammed their way into the shop, demanding that Erika and D hand over the fire lizard eggs that Erika had procured for D in New York a few months before. It had been a long stressful day for Erika, who had dealt with several vastly irritating customers, and she was on the verge of breakdown. So really, it wasn't too big a surprise that she simply changed her hand into a large leopard's paw, whacked Benny-Boy and the Plummy One upside the head and ordered them out of the shop in a loud, furious voice.

What was surprising was D's reaction… He'd broken his habitual cool and started shouting at Erika angrily, furious that she'd changed form in broad daylight. Things hadn't got much better from there on in – as Erika was still on the verge of disembowelling anything that twitched at her the wrong way, she didn't take D yelling at her for no apparent reason too kindly. The usual argument type things had happened i.e.: both of the quarrellers putting words into the others' mouths, not listening to a thing the other said and only hearing what they wanted to, etc, etc.

The fight ended with Erika handing in her resignation and stalking off, leaving D staring after her with a stunned look on his face.

Suffice to say, it appeared that Erika had gotten the last word.

A week later, Erika lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling, so miserable and depressed she was seriously considering going out and buying yet another four litre tub of chocolate ice-cream and scarfing the lot. But she'd already eaten two whole tubs, and even with her insanely high metabolism, she somehow doubted that she goes manage another without passing out and having to be rushed to hospital to get her stomach pumped like some strange-o drug addict. And that would just be embarrassing.

So she lay on her bed and listened to angry girl music for six hours, trying desperately hard not to think about what D was doing right now.

May as well try and stop the sun.

D, in fact, was equally as miserable as Erika was. He was also indulging in misery binge eating – he'd eaten a whole chocolate cake by himself (oh, noes, however will he retain his girlish figure??). He was just starting towards a large lemon meringue pie with a businesslike expression on his face, watched by a terrified Q-chan, who'd witnessed the demise of the chocolate cake with horror, when the door banged open and Leon Orcot marched in. Q-chan breathed a sigh of relief as D turned away from the poor meringue.

"D!" he hollered. "You home?"

"Well, where else would I be?" D muttered grouchily to himself in Chinese. "Why won't he just leave me alone? I haven't sold any special pets recently…" In English, he called, "Yes, I'm here…"

"Good," said Leon, glaring at him. D, surprisingly enough, glared back.

"Why is it good? What do you want, anyway?" D's tone could only be described as surly.

Leon looked taken aback, but he recovered quickly. "Did you sell that damn talking snake to anyone?" he demanded.

"No. Why do you ask?"

"Because there've reports of a talking python attacking house pets. Are you sure he hasn't escaped or anything?"

D frowned. "No, actually, I'm not sure. Erika was normally the one to feed Confucius…and she gave him quite a bit of meat the day she left. Snakes take a long time to digest their food, and they prefer to sleep while they're doing so, so I've left him in peace for the past week."

Leon was momentarily distracted from escaped talking pythons. "Did you say Erika's left? When'll she be back?" Although Erika and Leon hadn't really gotten on at first, they'd settled into an uneasy truce over the past couple of months, had almost become friends.

"She won't be, apparently," D said, turning away and starting to clear up the tea things, refusing to look at Orcot. "She resigned." He steeled himself for the oncoming explosion and inevitable questions.

They were quickly forthcoming…

"WHAT?! Erika quit?! What the hell did you do to make her do that?"

"What makes you think I did anything?" D retorted evasively. He still couldn't look Leon in the eye. The truth was, he'd been missing Erika rather desperately over the past week. He'd gotten so used to having her there, to being able to talk to her just about whenever he wanted, that suddenly loosing the girl he had to admit was his best friend was a horrible blow. Thus, the week of binge eating cakes and sweets and practically anything containing sugar. (If a doctor had of taken a look at his blood sugar level, he would've fainted. When he woke up, he would have insisted that D undergo tests to ensure that he was human, as no one should've been able to survive that…)

"Because Erika's completely devoted to you," Leon snapped, dropping into a chair and scowling at D. "She wouldn't just walk out for no reason. What the hell did you do?"

"I don't need both of you mad at me!" D yelped, whirling around and glaring. "Anyway, it's none of your business. Drop it."

"D…"

"Detective, shall we go check that Confucius is safely in his tank?" D said flatly, changing the subject. "I want to be sure that he's safe." Without waiting for an answer, he stalked from the room. Leon followed him more slowly, his mind awhirl. D and Erika mad at one other… It just seemed to be impossible, a contradiction in terms. The Erika Leon knew would have wholeheartedly supported D if he'd suddenly decided that the sky was bright pink with yellow spots, and threatened to commit grievous bodily harm to anyone who disagreed (all whilst holding up a hand tipped with long claws and glaring menacingly).

Confucius was safely in his large tank, sleeping peacefully. D frowned at the detective and gestured at the snake. "As you can see, Confucius is perfectly safe. He hasn't been anywhere. The snake you've heard of is either another specimen or just the product of some wild rumour. Are you happy now?" He walked out again.

Leon paused a moment, staring at the snake. After a while, he sighed and turned to go, blue eyes distant as he tried to puzzle out what could have possibly caused D and Erika to have a falling out. As he reached the door, a soft whispery voice stopped him. "Wait a moment, detective…"

Confucius opened his eyes and slithered up to the front of his tank. Leon forced himself not to shudder and walked back towards the snake. "Uh… You want something?"

"I went to check Erika a few hourssss ago… She isss depresssssed over her argument with D. Ssssomething must be done…"

Leon frowned. "You went to see Erika? Did you, ah… eat anything on the way?"

Confucius gave Leon a disgusted look. "I believe that my diet isss not the isssue at hand," he said haughtily. "I need you to kidnap me…"

"WHAT?!"

Confucius sighed. "Pay attention, Detective. Erika and I are closssse friendssss. If I were kidnapped then ssshe would hurry back here to ssssssee if ssshe could help find me, regardlessssss of her quarrel with D. When ssshe isss here, it would be a sssimple matter to make sssure that her and D resssolve their little… problemssss. It'ssss for their own good. Ssssso will you help me?"

Leon closed his eyes. "So, I guess you're gonna have to spend a couple of days in my apartment, then?" he asked in a pained voice.

"Yessss…" Confucius replied. "I will have to hide…"

Leon sighed, wincing as he thought of a bloody snake living in his apartment. He cringed. He hated snakes. But if it'd get D and Erika talking again…

"Alright then," he said decisively. "When do you want to be snakenapped?"

Time has passed…

Erika turned her head and glared sullenly at her digital alarm clock, which was buzzing in a most vexing manner. Seven a.m. What a heinous hour to have to get up…

"I hate school," Erika mumbled, staggering towards her shower.

D sipped yet another cup of jasmine tea, liberally dosed with nigh on half a bag of sugar, and tried to ignore the lack of Erika in the shop. He shivered in the cold of the shop, wishing that it would either warm up, or that Erika would suddenly bounce in the door. Everything seemed better when she was there…

"Let's be realistic…" D said to Q-chan, who was sitting on the coffee table making sympathetic little squeaks. "Even if Erika and I were talking, she wouldn't be showing up to the shop today anyway. The holidays are over – she's in school at the moment."

The door banged open. "No, I'm not."

D stood up and turned around so fast it's really an amazing thing that Erika was not doused in scalding tea. "Erika?! What are you doing here?"

Erika looked at the ground, flushing slightly. "Well, um, I found this in my locker." She handed him a single sheet of paper that looked as though it'd been shoved through something much smaller than itself. It was all crumpled and had been written in scruffy handwriting with what appeared to be a pen that exploded with ink every couple of seconds. "I'm not sure if it's a hoax or not," Erika continued, scuffing one booted foot on the floor and refusing to meet D's eyes. "But I just wanted to know if he was safe…"

D gave her a confused look and scanned the note quickly. His eyebrows rose and then he laughed. "Erika," he said, smiling at her. "Take a look at the handwriting. Whose does it remind you of?"

She took the note back and stared at it. Her eyes narrowed. She didn't speak for a long time as she slowly crumpled the note into a small ball. When she finally did say something, her voice was low and lightly poisonous. "Y'know, D, I snuck out of school for this, just after my homeroom teacher gave me this huge lecture about my allegedly atrocious attendance record. According to her, if I do sneak out at any time within the next month or so, I'll get a week's detention…" She closed her eyes. When she opened them again, they were dark golden with slit pupils, the eyes of an incredibly pissed off cat. "I'm gonna KILL Leon Orcot…"

Some time later…

"Erika, for god's sake, it wasn't even my fault!" Leon yelped as Erika backed him into a corner, growling. She'd fully shifted into her leopardess form, a sleek, light gold cat with black spots and a furiously lashing tail. "It was that snake's idea, I swear!"

"Tut-tut, detective," D said sweetly. He was sitting in his usual chair, with Confucius wrapped around his shoulders and Q-chan in his lap, eating some sort of sugar-laden food substance that was probably banned in several countries because most people collapsed after eating it… "Don't blame others for your mistakes… Erika got into a lot of trouble because of your little stunt. You should be ashamed…"

Confucius sniggered softly. "Ssssso…" he said. "Are you and Erika… friendssss once more?"

D nodded. "I've rehired her and everything has been forgiven." He smiled softly. "How could I stay mad when I recall how much she's already done for me?"

Confucius smiled (which was very disturbing… Have you ever seen a snake smile? It's not pretty…).

"Forget injuriessss," he whispered softly, watching with a coldly amused eye as Erika slashed at Leon with a heavily clawed paw. "Never forget kindnesssss…"

A/N: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! I finished it!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!! That story was like two weeks in the making people. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks again to Ghostly. Sorry if the way it all ended was a little cheesy…

Disclaimer: Just realised that I seldom put one of these thingies in…. (Oops!) Anyway, I don't own D or Leon or anyone. Just Erika and Confucius the Snake (oh, how I love that lil snake dude!!!) Oh, and Benny-Boy and the Plummy One. Anyone want those two? You can have 'em!!

Reviews (and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism) would be welcomed, not beaten away with a large iron poker. Flames will be shot down with my brother's BB gun. (And that thing REALLY hurts, ya know!!)