o0o

Severus Snape was pouring himself a cup of tea when Lucius Malfoy swept into his room. He threw himself dramatically into a chair.

"You wouldn't have anything stronger than tea, would you, Severus?"

A corner of Severus's mouth lifted. "Was the girl that trying?"

"I found her quite charming. No, Severus. That is not what vexes me."

"I will likely regret asking, but what is vexing you?"

"I must teach Charms at nine o'clock tomorrow morning!"

"And…?" Severus prompted.

"And don't you think that's an indecent hour? Especially close on the heels of a hard day's teaching?"

"You had a single class with a single student in it. If that has exhausted you, then the 'charming' Miss Granger will make short work of you." Severus handed Lucius a crystalline amber bottle and a tumbler. "You'd better have some of this."

Lucius poured a few fingers of liquor into the glass and took a healthy sip. He coughed politely into his fist. "It's a bit below your standard, isn't it?"

"Philistine," said Severus, amused. "This is fifty year-old single malt."

"Well, there's the problem!" exclaimed Lucius. "Next time you offer me a drink, Severus, do make sure it's fresh."

Severus scowled. "Lucius, feel free to play the fool to the hilt around the students, but I am really in no mood for it this evening."

Lucius's chin rose. "I haven't the slightest idea what you mean."

"'Make sure it's fresh,'" he mimicked. "Have you forgotten that you introduced me to Ogden's my sixth year?"

Lucius ignored him and took another sip of whisky. "How did you fare in Defence today?"

"Tolerably well. Bound and gagged them all, cast Levicorpus on Miss Granger, and gave the little blighters five feet of writing to do tonight."

"How's her arse?" asked Lucius.

"Really, Lucius," exclaimed Severus with a look of distaste.

"Did you at least see the colour of her knickers? Or was she wearing any?"

"I have no wish to revisit the sight of an obnoxious teenager trying to arrange her skirts."

"Bad form, old man!" exclaimed Lucius. "You couldn't be bothered to sample the abundant charms that you yourself put on display? It's criminal!"

Severus looked sidelong as his friend. "I think I may have a bit of that," he said, reaching for the bottle and pouring a dram into his empty teacup. "'Abundant charms,' you say?"

Lucius laid his head on the back support of his chair. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed."

Severus swallowed his mouthful of whisky. "I am not interested in children."

"I fail to see what that has to do with our distinguished adversary."

"Lucius, the girl is eighteen."

"Ah!" exclaimed Lucius, pointing a finger at Severus, "That's where you're wrong! I read in her file that she'll be twenty come September!"

"Nonsense," scoffed Severus. "She was eleven when she arrived at Hogwarts."

Lucius stared at him wordlessly for a moment. "But, of course, what's the difference between eighteen and twenty?" he inquired to the air.

Severus's eyes narrowed. "What are you on about?"

"Nothing at all, I assure you," said Lucius. "Now, how do you expect to keep the young lady and her friends from getting rid of you?"

Severus's mouth narrowed into a thin line. "An excellent question, but I believe you were about to tell me what you found in Miss Granger's file."

Lucius sighed. "Very well. In her third year, Miss Granger was allowed access to a Time Turner in order to attend all her classes. It's not entirely unheard of, you know. Armando Dippet allowed it to eight students during his tenure. Now that I think about it, I'm quite surprised that none of our fellow students were allowed to have one, at least not that I was aware of." His eyes widened at the expression on his friend's face. "Severus?"

Severus had gone pale with rage, and he was gripping the arms of his chair so tightly that Lucius feared for the upholstery.

"Her third year?" he repeated.

"It was Arithmancy and Ancient Runes," said Lucius lightly. "She couldn't take them without the Time Turner, so McGonagall pleaded to the Department of Mysteries on her behalf."

Severus made an extraordinary effort to calm himself. "Odd, Minerva never mentioned it to me."

"Naturally," said Lucius, "the Department of Mysteries swore her and Dumbledore to secrecy as part of the agreement. I take it from your expression that she used the Time Turner for some purpose other than to get to classes."

"I couldn't say," said Severus. "Pray, was there a record of when and how many hours she used it?"

"I'm certain there is, though it wasn't in her academic file."

"No matter," said Severus, shrugging almost believably. "You wanted to know my strategy for frustrating the children's efforts to get rid of me?"

Lucius poured himself another glass of whisky. "If you would be so kind."

"Very well," sighed Severus, "I intend to do as I have always done. If they are disrespectful, I will remove them from class. If they fail to complete their assignments in a satisfactory way, I will remove them from class. If I have to remove them from class too frequently, I will fail them, and they will not be allowed to take their N.E.W.T.s."

Lucius raised his eyebrows sceptically. "Do you really think that will work?"

"Why shouldn't it?"

"Well, they'll be expecting that, won't they?"

"They never found a satisfactory way to thwart it before. There's no reason it should be any different now."

"If you say so," said Lucius, taking another sip of whisky.

"Lucius," began Severus in a warning tone.

"I was merely suggesting that perhaps their behaviour in your previous classes was bound by hopes of not to being thrown out of the school. I believe this is not the case here."

Severus made a disdainful noise. "I saw nothing today that would indicate that they are anything other than the same brats I taught before leaving Hogwarts."

"If you say so," repeated Lucius. "If one were so inclined, one might suggest that you were a bit overconfident in your ability to keep order."

Severus's eyes were alight with malice. "What, you're suggesting you might do better?"

"All I am saying is that I may be at an advantage because I am not prejudiced against them, having had little contact with them when they were children."

"They defeated you as children," said Severus, cheeks slightly flushed. "They defeated the diary you left for Miss Weasley, and they defeated you and your cohorts at the Department of Mysteries a few short years later."

"I fail to understand how such examples support your argument that they are helpless children."

"Simply because I do not share your faith in your own competence."

"That's not very friendly, Severus."

"It wasn't meant to be," said Severus, draining his cup. "Now that you've exceeded your daily quota of frankness, we should make an appearance at supper."

"You're probably right," said Lucius. "But before we go, I suggest a friendly wager."

Severus was instantly suspicious. "What kind of wager?"

"You seem to be under the impression that you are far better prepared for this group of students than I am. I suggest a purse of, say, ten Galleons to whichever one of us resists the efforts of Miss Granger and her friends for the longest."

"Why bother wagering such a paltry sum?"

"Because you can use the ten Galleons and I can use something to make me laugh on cold winter nights."

"You really are a mannerless boor."

"So you accept the wager?"

"Nearly. What happens if both of us last the duration of the classes?"

"We get the satisfaction of a dirty job well done."

"Sounds harmless enough," said Severus, extending his hand. "It will be the easiest ten Galleons I've ever made."

Lucius accepted the handshake. "It's a wager. Shall we to dinner, then?"

Severus glared at his friend. "Do you need a sobering charm? That smirk is not at all becoming."

Lucius smoothed his features to polite blandness. "That won't be necessary. Pray, Severus, how do you find your chambers?"

Severus rose and put on his cape. "Draughty."

"I daresay it has a far finer view than my chambers in the dungeon. While the shackles on my walls are very homey, I envy you your tower. You must be able to see for miles."

"Not that I've had the opportunity to enjoy any alleged view because of the damned weather. Now, if you're finished with this idle line of discourse, I'm rather in need of food."

Severus stomped out of the room and Lucius followed him with a smirk. "You're going to need a lot more than food, old friend," he said quietly.

o0o

Eleven o'clock rolled around too quickly for Hermione's liking. She had missed her evening meal in favour of skimming the books on anxiety she'd borrowed from 'Professor' Malfoy and marking pages that contained useful information for her classmates. Fortunately, there were enough of them that she and her classmates could cite slightly differing sources in their papers. She managed to finish the last of the books just as a soft knock on the door announced the arrival of her co-conspirators.

Ron held out a platter of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, and Hermione's stomach gave a fierce growl.

"I didn't see you at supper, so I nicked it for you," he explained, handing her the platter. "One can't plot on an empty stomach."

Hermione thanked him and began to eat ravenously, gesturing for the others to join her on the bed. "I found a few books that might help with our essays," she said between bites.

Justin's eyes widened at one title. "Natural and Magical Fear? That's borderline Dark Magic! Where did you get all of these?"

Hermione swallowed a particularly large bite of beef. "Borrowed from Lucius Malfoy."

Neville frowned. "Lucius Malfoy?"

"Our new Ancient Runes and Charms teacher," said Hermione disdainfully. "I'm not too worried about him. Large egos are easy targets."

"I don't know if these will help," said Hannah, removing two translucent books from her bag, "but these are from the ghost's library. They're written from a spectre's perspective, but there's a step-by-step method for scaring off humans in one, and the other has tips for successful hauntings. I thought they might also be useful for ideas for getting rid of the teachers."

"How on earth did you get them?" asked Harry incredulously. "Nobody living is allowed to go anywhere near the library, not even under an Invisibility Cloak."

Hannah gave a triumphant smile. "I struck a deal with the Sussex Blue Man this afternoon. In exchange for reading to him from post-Restoration history books once a week, he's promised to lend me any book I need from the ghost's library. Technically, we're not breaking the school's charter since I'm not physically entering the library."

Ron grinned at Hannah. "Brilliant!"

The seven students sat silently, perusing the books and occasionally scribbling notes on spare sheets of parchment.

"I don't know if I can write five feet from this, but at least I'll have something coherent," said Susan, laying down Fighting Fear and Alleviating Anxiety through Powerful Potions.

"I never would have suggested it at Hogwarts," said Hermione, "but you might write what you can and then Enlarge the parchment until it's five feet long."

"Or just do what I'm doing," said Ron, holding up his essay. "It's easy to reach five feet if your parchment is only a few inches wide."

"Or take a page from Hermione's book and have a huge bibliography," added Neville with a grin.

"You know that Snape is just going to fail any of us who try that," said Justin sourly, who had been experimenting on how large he could write without making it appear that he was doing so.

"He didn't give us any sort of style guidelines for the essay," said Hermione, "and this isn't a school like Hogwarts that has a compendium of rules and requirements for written assignments."

"That excuse will only work once," remarked Susan. "Of course, that's all we'll need it for." She closed An Exhaustive History of Cheering Charms. "So, Hermione, what's the plan for Snape and Malfoy tomorrow?"

"I suggest we simply observe Professor Malfoy tomorrow. He's an unknown quantity, and I want to see how he deals with a class of more than just me, especially after the surprise I'm having sent to his tower tonight. As for Professor Snape, I've come up with a few ideas. But before we get to that, I wanted to pick your brains a bit. We've all had Professor Snape in class for seven years. Now, what irritates you the most about him?"

"The name-calling," said Hannah immediately.

"Nobody was exempt," added Justin. "Su was always 'impertinent chit,' and I was always 'useless swot.'"

"I was 'idiot boy,'" added Neville.

"'Feeble-minded ninny,'" said Hannah.

"'Insufferable know-it-all,'" said Hermione. "So that's one thing. The question before us is, how do we get him to stop it?"

"Let me guess," said Ron. "You have a plan?"

"I do, but I admit it's going to sound a bit odd to you." She pulled out a textbook and set it on the bed. There was a Muggle photograph of a dolphin on the cover.

Susan read the title in an incredulous voice. "Animal Training and Husbandry? How's that supposed to help us with Snape?"

"This book teaches you to train animals to do unnatural behaviours, such as having dolphins jump through hoops and the like. The part of it that'll be useful for Professor Snape is positively reinforcing good behaviour, such as calling us by our real names, and negatively reinforcing bad behaviour, such as insulting us and yelling in class."

"We don't have to give him pieces of fish or anything like that, do we?" asked Ron, mildly horrified.

"No, Ron," Hermione said, exasperated. "Clever creatures in captivity sometimes get bored with training and entertain themselves by doing things wrong to vex their keepers. The trick is depriving the animals of the pleasure of seeing their trainers get mad and yell. If Professor Snape calls you a name or says something hurtful, you must refuse to give him any response whatsoever. Don't look at him, don't frown, and above all, don't let him get you angry. It'll take practice, but I'm certain it'll work."

Justin looked sceptical. "And how are we supposed to positively reinforce good behaviour, on the off chance that it should ever occur in front of us?"

"Is that when we give him fish?" asked Harry a bit too innocently. Ron glared at him.

"In a manner of speaking," said Hermione. "I thought that if he addresses us civilly we might speak respectfully to him and give him correct answers to the questions he asks."

"That begs the question that we'll know what the flying arse he's talking about," said Ron.

"I thought we might all prepare for Potions tomorrow morning before class," said Hermione.

Susan frowned. "It sounds to me like you're just asking us to behave well in class. Wouldn't that make Snape more likely to stay than leave?"

"Professor Snape is a highly suspicious person and enjoys watching people fail. Our not failing should cause him no small amount of disquiet trying to figure out what we're up to. However, that's not my entire plan. The rest of the plan will involve individual tasks to be assigned periodically. I don't want to share all my ideas now- it's dangerous for all of us to know the plan around someone as skilled at Legilimency as Professor Snape. Now, according to the syllabus Professor Tincture left, we're supposed to work on Confusion Concoctions in our next class. I've prepared a study sheet if any of you haven't read up on them yet."

"Who says Snape's going to go by what Professor Tincture said?" asked Justin.

"Nobody," admitted Hermione with a shrug. "But at least we'll be prepared for something, which we certainly weren't today in Defence. I suppose Professor Snape might try to pack two lessons into one, in which case, we should have a look at Pepperup Potion as well."

"What about Babbling Beverages?" asked Hannah. "We skipped those and Scintillation Solution after Neville blew up the supply cabinet."

"What if we don't know anything about any of those potions?" asked Neville worriedly.

Harry pulled a book out of his bag and handed it to Neville. "Then we use this. Take a look at the flyleaf."

Neville read the inscription. "'This book is the property of the Half-Blood Prince.'" He looked at Harry in confusion. "Who's the Half-Blood Prince?"

Ron clapped Neville on the shoulder. "He's the reason I'm still among the living. Now, let's see, Confusion Concoction, page eighty-four. Let's see what the Prince has to say."

Suddenly, a loud cock crow pierced the quiet night, causing all of the students to jump. It was quickly followed by unintelligible bellowing and the sound of breaking furniture.

"What was that?" Susan whispered.

"That's the surprise I sent to Lucius Malfoy."

Justin was trying not to laugh. "A rooster?"

"Worse," said Hermione grimly. "A poultrygeist."

o0o