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The next morning found all the students gathered in the Potions Classroom looking ill-rested, but nonetheless determined. Neville was muttering to himself. "Cook crocodile claws clockwise in a copper cauldron, keeping the cockroach compound cool in a cobalt container to… to…"
"To keep the cauldron from corroding," supplied Susan. "You've almost got the Confusion Concoction. What about Scintillating Solution?"
"Oh, I remember this one!" said Ron. "Simply simmer salamander spleen with sneezewort extract-"
"Slimewort extract, not sneezewort," corrected Hermione.
"Sorry, sorry. Simmer salamander spleen with slimewort. Stir in six shed snake skins-"
"What kind of snake skins?" interrupted Justin, checking the book.
"Spitting cobra?" guessed Ron.
"Swamp adder."
"Shite."
"S'okay," said Harry. "Do me next."
"Babbling Beverage," said Hannah.
Harry screwed up his face in concentration. "Boil black beetles with… bollocks!" he cursed.
Neville looked over Justin's shoulder. "It says 'belladonna' here."
"Babbling Beverage is easy," said Hermione. "Just remember the Prince's directions to make the beetles confused by putting them in a bottle and feeding them a bit of nettle. That way they'll be too torpid to escape."
"I remember," said Hannah. "Boil a nettle addlepated beetle bottle in a metal kettle, add belladonna petals, then…I can't remember."
"A needle bottlepated addle batter-" began Neville.
"No, no! A netter adderbattle beeter botter!" said Ron.
"It's a nettle addlepated beetle bottle briskly boiled with belladonna petals in a metal kettle," read Justin. "But what if he asks us to make the variant version?"
"You mean he might make us brew Bavarian Babbling Beverage?" asked Susan in tones of horror.
"It's not that bad," said Hermione reproachfully. "Instead of boiling a bottle of nettle addlepated beetles, you blanch a bowl of bewildered botflies and beat in butter beans, broiled baobab buds, blistered birch bark, and Basque bergamot until it's blue as a bilberry."
"Bill as a blueberry," muttered Neville, scribbling frantically on a spare piece of parchment.
"On a butane burner?" Justin looked confused.
Hermione frowned and checked the book. "Balefire."
"It's no use," said Harry. "I'll never remember all that."
"The trick is shortening it to something you can remember," said Hannah. "For instance, I always remember rhymes. Pepperup's a potion made of puffer fish from ocean with some peppermint and porcupines – incisors, not the pointy spines."
"But there's more in it than just that," said Susan.
"Pepperup's a potion made of parrotfish from ocean-" began Harry.
"Puffer fish!" exclaimed Ron. "Pepperup's a potion made of puffer fish and lotion-"
"With some blenny brains and bobolink, what else is there? Let me think!" mused Susan.
"Oh! I think I've got it now, it's peppermint. But added how?" asked Justin.
"Sauté mint and stir it thrice, then add crushed teeth and stir it thrice," Hermione added. "But what if I should substitute for puffer fish the common newt?"
"To change it might bring you renown, but then they'd call it Pepperdown," said Hannah with a smile.
As if on cue, the classroom door opened with a bang.
"Hannah," whispered Neville anxiously, "what rhymes with 'concoction?'"
"SILENCE!" bellowed Snape.
Hermione noted with surprise his bloodshot eyes rimmed with dark circles.
Snape noticed her perusal. "Does my appearance satisfy you, Granger?" he growled.
Immediately, she dropped her eyes to the bench in front of her, face neutral. She could feel his angry scowl on her and nearly sighed in relief when he turned his gaze on her classmates.
"I don't suppose any of you know who dispatched the malevolent spirit to my chambers last night," he said, "any more than I suppose any of you dunderheads know what to do with cockroaches in a Calming Compound."
Hermione nearly danced a jig when she realised that all of her classmates were staring politely past Snape at the wall.
"You!" Snape barked at Justin.
Justin stared at the wall and said nothing.
Snape tried to get Justin's attention again. "Useless swot!"
No response. Hermione hardly dared breathe.
"Finch-Fletchley!" bellowed Snape.
"Certainly, Professor," said Justin calmly. "You keep the cockroaches separate and crush them in a cobalt bowl."
Snape glared at Justin, then turned his gaze to Neville. "And I don't suppose this idiot boy knows why."
Hermione closed her eyes and prayed that Neville would be able to withstand Snape's ire. Neville's eyes were fixed on his desk.
"Longbottom!" yelled Snape, mere inches from Neville's face.
"It-keeps-the-cauldron-from-corroding-sir!" said Neville very fast.
Snape stared at Neville as if he'd never seen him before.
"Why?" Snape asked in his deadliest voice.
There was only the faintest tremor in Neville's voice. "The cauldron's copper, sir."
Snape stared at him in disbelief, then stalked back to the front of the classroom. He glowered at them in turn.
"Bones," he growled. "How many snake skins are added to Scintillating Solution?"
"Six, sir," Susan answered promptly.
"And what kind of snake skins are they, Weasley?"
"Swamp adder, sir" said Ron, glee clearly audible beneath his polite address.
Snape's mouth was a thin line. "Potter," he spat. "What is the base ingredient for Babbling Beverage?"
"Black beetles, sir."
"Simply black beetles? How, pray, do you intend to get live beetles into your potion? I'm sure you haven't forgotten that they must be added alive, have you, Potter?"
To Hermione's delight, Harry ran his hand through his hair, with deliberate nonchalance. "I'd put them in a bottle with something that would make them confused and drowsy. Nettle, probably."
If Snape recognised the gesture, it was soon forgotten in the face of Harry's correct supposition about incapacitating the beetles.
"That's quite a feat of problem solving," said Snape in a dangerously low voice. "One wonders if you came up with it on your own. Turn out your bag, Potter!"
Harry did as he was bidden, but, of course, he wasn't stupid enough to bring the Half-Blood Prince's Potions book to the Half-Blood Prince's own Potions class. Snape picked up Harry's decoy textbook and flipped through it, looking for any sign of annotations. Finding nothing, he pursed his lips and picked through the quills, ink, and other books, finally closing his hand over a scroll.
"What is this, Potter?"
"My five-foot essay on anxiety for Defence, sir."
"It is three inches too narrow. You will re-do it tonight and another two feet on the requirements of the Wizarding Style Guide."
"Excuse me, Professor Snape," said Susan with a convincing blush. "You didn't tell us what style guide to use, so I used the British Magical Format."
"And I used the International Academic Standard, sir," added Hermione.
"I used Hogwarts Standard Essay, sir," said Justin.
Hannah shrugged. "I followed the Magical Language Association recommendations."
Snape's face flushed an interesting shade of purple, but the explosion never came. Instead, Snape raised his wand and summoned all of their essays wordlessly. He unrolled them hastily and skimmed their contents. His scowl grew deeper as he compared the lists of books. Hermione decided to drive another nail in the coffin and raised her hand.
"What is it, Granger?"
"With respect, sir," she said, "I thought the essays would be due in Defence Against the Dark Arts this afternoon. There were a few other books I wished to consult before-"
"SILENCE!" The shout powered Snape to his feet, and he began pacing the front of the room.
Harry chose that moment to sit back comfortably in his chair and tousle his hair. Snape twitched, but made a visible effort to calm himself.
"It seems as though I no longer have an insufferable know-it-all in this class," he said in a silky voice. "It appears as though I have an entire class full. You! Granger!"
"Yes, sir?" asked Hermione earnestly.
"You needn't say 'yes, sir' in that tone!" he snapped. "Address me with proper respect!"
Hermione cast her eyes down. "I thought I did, sir.'
"Look at me, Granger," said Snape, swooping down on her and putting his face very close to hers.
Hermione had no choice but to comply. She prayed what little Occlumency she had learned would withstand his questioning.
"Why did you send that particular spirit to me last night?"
She breathed an inward sigh of relief. "I didn't send any spirits to you, sir."
"Come now, Miss Granger. Do you think I've failed to notice the way the spectres follow you? How you make them your accomplices?"
"I doubt much escapes your notice, sir, but I didn't send any of them to you last night. I am shocked that any spirit in this castle would disturb your rest, even that particular one."
"Ahah!" cried Snape triumphantly. "And what do you know of the spirit that visited me?"
"The fact that it was a poultrygeist was clear to all of us within earshot," said Hermione, desperately hoping for Snape's gaze to falter. She felt her mind quiver under his ocular assault. She steeled her mental shields and said through gritted teeth, "But I fail to see what any of this has to do with Potions, sir."
Snape broke eye contact and pulled himself up to his not unimpressive height. "Why you impertinent - POTTER!"
Even Harry jumped at Snape's sudden shift of focus. "Yes, sir?"
"Remove your hand from Miss Bones's leg this instant. Should I ever catch you indulging in behaviour of that sort in class again, I will personally dose you with Dysfunctus Draught so strong that you won't be able to consider such activities until you are past twenty-five. Have I made myself clear?"
"Yes, sir," said Harry in a bored tone that surprised Hermione. It must have been a particularly accurate impression of his father, because Snape was beginning to twitch again. This time, he turned his fury on Susan.
"And you, Miss Bones, I thought you had better taste. Twenty points from-" he cut himself off and glared at the class through bloodshot eyes. "I expect a five-foot essay from all of you on the subject of proper behaviour in class, in accordance with the Wizarding Style Guide. Now, get out of my sight, you puerile wastes of time!"
The students, as if by unspoken accord, did not move and stood calmly, staring at the wall or off into space. Snape stared incredulously at his class. "Didn't you hear me, you pea-brained cretins, or are your ears as thick as your skulls?"
The students remained silent and neutral. Snape's face flushed scarlet, and his hands curled into fists at his side.
"Go to blazes!" he bellowed at them, then swept out of the classroom and slammed the door after him.
The class stood motionless for a moment, listening as their most feared teacher went stomping down the hall, boot steps fading into the distance.
Their stunned silence was broken by a delighted laugh from Hannah.
"Merlin's merrywidow, Hermione!" exclaimed Neville, awestruck. "It worked!"
"I thought you said you sent the poultrygeist to Malfoy," said Justin.
"Malfoy said he was staying in the uppermost tower," said Hermione. "I guess he knew I'd try something. That was surprisingly clever. I'll have to keep a closer eye on him and see that the poultrygeist haunts the right man this weekend."
Susan gave Harry an amused look. "Try rubbing my leg like that again without warning me first, and you might just end up with a girlfriend."
"Can't have that, now can we?" said Harry with a wink.
"Do you think Snape's gone for good?" asked Ron doubtfully.
"He'd better not be," said Hermione. "I have plans for Defence today, and it'd be a shame to let them go to waste."
"What do you have in mind?" asked Neville eagerly.
"He's already taken our essays, so I think we should be prepared for another practical lesson. I think Ron's gift for strategy might give us an edge if we plan ahead. Harry, how would you feel about giving us a review, D.A.-style?"
Harry moved all the desks to the back of the classroom with a flick of his wand. "It'd be my pleasure. I'd like to introduce you all to a spell Snape used in our last Defence class. I like to call it Levicorpus."
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