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Lucius Malfoy had just poured himself a gin and tonic when Severus Snape swept into the room with an expression as black as the walls of the dungeon.

"Severus, my good man, to what do I owe the pleasure of-"

"Shut your mouth, Lucius," snarled Severus. "Give me one of those. On second thought, give me the bottle."

"Lime?" offered Lucius solicitously.

Severus glared at him and took a generous pull from the bottle.

"Really, Severus, I just opened that bottle."

"Them I suppose I'll have to finish it." He sat on the edge of the rack and took another swig.

"Severus, old friend, I hope you won't take this as an insult, but you look absolutely dreadful. Drinking an entire bottle of gin will not exactly improve your aspect."

"Well, things can't exactly disimprove on that front," said Severus, allowing his hair to fall forward into his eyes.

"Whatever is the matter?" asked Lucius, somewhat concerned. "Surely you're not forfeiting our wager so soon?"

Severus laughed harshly. "I'm far more curious to find out how your day went."

"Well, I slept so soundly last night that waking for my nine o'clock class wasn't as difficult as I had feared. Severus, you really must do something about that tooth-grinding habit of yours. It's most distracting. As I was saying, I managed to school the children in basic table manners before Miss Granger pointed out that I was supposed to be teaching Charms class, not charm school. I hadn't the heart to take back all the books on manners that she so assiduously gathered before speaking up."

Severus frowned. "Books on manners?"

"You ought to have been there when I asked Weasley if it was polite to masticate with one's mouth open," Lucius continued blithely. "He stammered that he didn't think it was polite to do at the table at all. Miss Granger whispered that one had to masticate in order to swallow. I thought the poor fellow would burst into flame from embarrassment."

Severus's scowl deepened. "Highly amusing, I'm sure."

"Come now, Severus," said Lucius. "I thought tales of student humiliation were like sweets to you."

Severus lay back on his elbows and stared at the bladed pendulum that was chained to the wall. "The little blighters nearly succeeded in making me lose my temper today. Twice."

"Well," said Lucius philosophically, "I did warn you that teaching here was likely to be different from Hogwarts."

"They were all shockingly well-prepared for Potions today. And they had the unmitigated gall to launch a moderately successful attack on me during Defence today. I'd say it was by the book, but I don't think Weasley can read."

"My dear Severus, did you not say yourself that you were going to behave just as you always had in class?"

"So I did."

"Then why are you surprised they were prepared for you? You see, my strategy for keeping them on their toes is to dazzle them with never before seen facets of my dizzyingly varied personality. For example, you saw me play the dim aristocrat dozens of times for the Dark Lord, but the students have never seen it. Narcissa, rest her soul, was used to my unsubtle double-entendre, but Misses Abbott, Bones, and Granger certainly weren't."

Severus was back at the bottle of gin and hiccoughed loudly. "Did you even bother teaching them anything?"

"A Protean Charm," said Lucius dismissively. "Miss Granger had it right the first time, of course, but the others need more practise."

Severus nearly spat out a mouthful of gin.

"What are those wretches trying to do?" he complained. "It's as if they weren't even trying to get rid of you!"

"My dear Severus, unlike you, I've yet to give them a reason to get rid of me."

This time, Severus did spit out a mouthful of gin. "You tried to kill Weasley's sister with a piece of the Dark Lord's soul!" he sputtered. "You led the attack on Finch-Fletchley's father!"

"I did not try to kill the girl!" protested Lucius. "I merely tried to get her sent to Azkaban for killing her Muggle-born classmates."

"They will get rid of you, Lucius. They have means and motive. It's only a matter of opportunity."

"I don't know about you, old friend, but I'm not going anywhere unless I get what I want first."

Severus's speech was beginning to slur slightly. "And what exactly do you want, Lucius?"

Lucius handed him the bottle that he'd placed on the floor. "Never you mind, Severus. Now, why don't I have my elf bring us a meal, and we can discuss ways for you to frighten the children? Alas, Miss Granger borrowed most of my books on fear, but I'm certain that between the two of us, we can manage to terrify a few teenagers."

"You gave her all those books, too," said Severus accusingly.

"I beg your pardon, Severus. I was under the impression that students required books in order to do schoolwork."

"Do shut it, Lucius. She used them to complete the assignment I gave her, just as she plans to do with the books on manners she got from you this afternoon."

"And this is a problem?"

"It bloody well is!" exclaimed Severus. "The students aren't supposed to complete my assignments!"

A line appeared between Lucius's eyebrows. "Why did you assign them work if they aren't supposed to complete it?"

"That's a dim question, even for you, Lucius."

"Humour me."

Severus took a deep breath. "Their strategy for getting rid of their instructors thus far seems contingent on completing their schoolwork in a defiant and impertinent way. By forcing them to fail my assignments, I can feasibly threaten to throw them out of class, thus denying them a chance to sit the N.E.W.T.s."

"Clever."

"Except for the fact that, thanks to you, they have the opportunity to complete their assignments with satisfactory results."

"You really are a twisted fellow, you know," said Lucius conversationally. "I understand that most teachers take pride in their students' success."

"This isn't my success. This triumph belongs solely to that insufferable know-it-all."

"Galls you, does it?"

Severus flushed scarlet. "It makes me want to wring her neck until she stops asking questions."

Lucius lowered his tone. "Is that all you'd like to do to her?"

Severus thought for a moment. "The Cruciatus Curse. With Potter's wand."

"I was thinking more along the lines of removing her uniform clothing and lashing her to the bedposts."

"Humiliation? I didn't think you the type."

"It's called 'bondage,' as you ought to remember."

Severus snorted. "That term only applies in a sexual context. I believe… Circe's Suspender Belt, you cannot be serious, Lucius! The very thought is appalling!"

"Is it really, Severus?"

"She's a child!"

"Nearly twenty, remember? Two hundred years ago, an unmarried girl of her age would be considered an old maid."

"She's insufferable!"

"Perhaps, but powerful. Clever, too."

Severus snorted.

"She got the better of you, didn't she?" said Lucius with a trace of irritation.

"She did. Which raises the question, old friend, of what she will do to you when she finds out you've designs on trifling with her."

Lucius laughed. "I have no plans to trifle. I plan to take a wife."

Severus gaped at his friend, jaw working up and down soundlessly. Lucius took a sip of his drink, waiting for the inevitable explosion. Severus did not disappoint.

"HAVE YOU TAKEN LEAVE OF YOUR SENSES, MAN?"

"Of course not. And if you'd come to yours, you'd grasp the obvious reasons."

"GRANGER'S THE SAME AGE AS DRACO!"

"She's the same age Draco would have been," corrected Lucius.

This seemed to take the wind out of Severus's tirade. "Yes. Yes, you're quite right."

"Let us not mince words," said Lucius. "If I wish for the Malfoy line to continue, it means taking a wife. A young wife, if I wish to produce an heir or two. A clever wife, if I want our children to have any sense. A powerful wife, if I do not wish our children to be squibs."

"A naive wife if she expects to have a faithful husband," commented Severus, eyes hard.

"As one of the beneficiaries of my broad interests, who are you to complain?"

"That was before you were married," exclaimed Severus, hotly, "and after Narcissa's death. If you were to marry again, don't think I would be so accommodating. And I sincerely doubt Granger would be at all understanding of your 'broad interests.' I am led to believe that many Muggles disapprove of such sampling."

"Many Muggles must be very dull indeed."

"Technically, magical matrimony is also supposed to discourage philandering."

"Rubbish. We have magic to ensure the fidelity of our witches. That's what's important, is it not?"

"Lucius, no self-respecting witch nowadays would bind herself to her husband unless he made a similar vow in return, especially not the Muggle-born bluestocking who fed Walden Macnair to the selfsame hippogriff he tried to behead. Her sense of poetic justice is entirely too well-developed."

"I suppose it wouldn't matter that much as long as she took Contraceptive Potions and shared her particularly delectable lovers."

"This entire conversation is ludicrous. You will never have Miss Granger as a wife because she hates you and everything you stand for."

"I suppose you feel you could do better?"

"I have no desire to do better. The very thought turns my stomach."

"I don't believe you."

"What must I do? Wear sackcloth with 'I Renounce Hermione Granger and all Her Works' written on it?"

"You never could resist a woman who got the better of you, Severus."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "If you believe me in love with her, then why are you telling me of your designs on the girl?"

"If I have to explain it, you're drunker than I thought."

"Humour me."

"Because, old friend, I'm trying to keep from competing against you for her attentions. You're entirely too noble to pursue her after claiming to have no interest, especially when I inform you of my honourable intentions. At least, unless she gives you some sort of encouragement."

"Do you suspect her of harbouring feelings for me, then?" Severus sneered.

"As far as I know, the girl hates us both. However, I'm certainly not letting that get in the way of things."

Severus stood, wiped the mouth of the gin bottle on his sleeve, and handed it to Lucius. "I think you're going to need this more than I will."

Lucius held the bottle at arm's length, nose wrinkled slightly. "Get some sleep, Severus. I'll see you tomorrow. I need your help with lesson plans and plotting to snare my future wife."

"I'm afraid you're on your own in terms of securing your nuptial felicity. However, I might be able to provide some guidance in classes, given the right motivation."

"You know, you sound sexy when you drink gin."

"I was thinking more in terms of borrowing a book, Lucius."

"Of course, you sound sexy when you're not drinking gin, as well."

"Good night, Lucius."

"Good night, Severus."

The door closed behind Severus, and Lucius lay down on his bed, humming a waltz. A soft whooshing noise came from the wall, and he sat up to see the source of the sound.

There was a large translucent rooster hovering near the iron maiden.

"Well," said Lucius, "I suppose I was begging for cock a moment ago."

In response, the rooster emitted a deafening crow that sent papers flying all over the room.

Lucius smoothed a lock of hair that the blast had blown astray. "I see. Spirit, what must I do to make you sod off?"

The rooster smirked as well as a creature with no lips can and proceeded to zip about the room, rattling chains, tossing about instruments of torture, and hanging Lucius's collection of exotic underthings from the iron chandelier overhead.

Several flights of stairs above Lucius's dungeon, Severus paused to listen to the beautiful cacophony. A particularly loud curse from Lucius brought a smile to his thin lips, and in that moment Severus Snape would have delighted in congratulating Hermione Granger on a job well done. Fortunately, he had come to his senses by the time he emerged into the courtyard of Caer Brech, sour expression firmly in place.

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