o0o
When Severus Snape walked into his Defence class on Monday morning, he was immediately set upon by twin Stunning Spells from two Disillusioned students on opposite sides of the classroom. Fortunately, he was prepared for this.
Two violent swipes of his wand sent the Stunners back to the corners of the classroom, where two loud thumps against the floor confirmed that he had managed to hit his targets. He threw himself to the right, narrowly missing a Burning Hex, which flew into the wall. He let himself fall to the ground and scurried behind his heavy oak desk, which rattled alarmingly as it was pounded by hexes from five wands.
Snape took a crystal phial from his pocket and flung it over the top of the desk.
"Reducto!" shouted Harry. The vial was blasted into tiny shards, but when the contents hit the air, they evaporated into a dull green haze.
Hannah gasped.
"Use a Bubble-Head Charm!" yelled Hermione.
But it was too late. In the students' haste to protect themselves from the green vapour, Snape had seized the opportunity to disarm them.
He wordlessly Summoned all seven wands and stalked through the swirling mist to where the students cowered, sleeves covering their mouths and noses.
He raised an eyebrow at them. "You didn't really think I'd waste valuable Chloroflox on this class, did you?"
Harry gaped at him. "Chloroflox is illegal!"
"Yes," said Snape smugly, "but split pea soup, even in aerosol form, is not."
He basked in their stunned expressions for a moment before turning on his heel, deliberately putting his back to them. "Now, if any of you would care to explain why you thought I would be stupid enough to release a deadly poison in a locked room?"
"I don't think you're stupid, sir," piped up Hannah. "But I do think you'd need little motivation to poison us all."
"And poison myself in the process?"
"You're a Potions Master," said Ron. "You might have invented an antidote just for the occasion."
"Pleasant thought, Weasley, but no. I haven't managed to find cures for the Unforgivable Curses, either. No, you are still quite far from the point I was trying to make."
"It's panic," said Susan, suddenly. "It's like in those essays you had us write. We panicked and reacted without any sort of judgement or reasoning. If we'd watched to see if you were drinking a potion or casting the Bubble-Head Charm on yourself, we might have concluded that it wasn't Chloroflox."
"Or even if it was Chloroflox or another weapon of the sort, we wouldn't have cast a spell to break the vial," added Hermione. "We would have contained it."
Snape muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "Good." He cleared his throat. "Now, if I may ask, whose idea was the Disillusioned Stunners?"
"Ron's," said Harry, still too shaken to be doing an effective impression of his father.
"The strategy was sound," said Snape in a mild voice. "I hadn't planned to use the split pea soup except as a final resort. And now that you lot know I am capable of nonlethal combat, I hope that in the future you will attempt to use the knowledge I have been assiduously attempting to cram into your craniums instead of wasting your adrenaline on panicked spell casting. Now, can any of you tell me the proper incantation to counter Sectumsempra?"
Harry's eyes blazed, but he managed to hold his temper in check. "There isn't an incantation. It's just singing."
"Wrong, Potter," said Snape with a disdainful edge to his voice. "There is an incantation, but, to be fair, it isn't in any language that you know."
Neville haltingly raised his hand. "Please, Professor, what language is it?"
"Tell me, Longbottom, have you ever heard any beings other than humans sing?"
Neville thought for a moment. "Mermaids."
"Correct. Now, repeat after me. Eeeeeee!"
"EEEEEEEEE!"
Snape held his hands over his ears. "Great Gog, are you all incapable of distinguishing one note from another? Mermish is a tonal language, for pity's sake! Use your ears! Eeeeeee!"
"Eeeeeee!"
"Better. Now, I know you gentlemen are keen to prove your masculinity, particularly with the young ladies present, but you must join us in the correct octave. Eeeeeee!"
"Eeeeeee!"
"Congratulations, you have learned your first syllable of Mermish. Only a hundred and sixteen to go. Now, repeat: Ohnnng."
"Excuse me, Professor Snape?"
"What is it, Miss Granger?'
"What's the point in having us speak Mermish? It's not a Dark Art."
His frown was eloquent, but his voice was mild. "Perhaps it's escaped your notice that this class is entitled Defence Against the Dark Arts. Mermish spells have been adopted by the research community for years because they work far more quickly than standard healing incantations and with greater potency against Dark curses."
"Then why aren't they used at St. Mungo's?" persisted Hermione.
"They are used at St. Mungo's, though that is hardly common knowledge, since by the time a patient arrives at the publicly accessible parts of St. Mungo's, he or she is usually beyond the window of time in which using emergency Mermish spells would have an advantage over more traditional healing methods. Besides," Snape glanced at Harry, "many people are disconcerted by hearing a strange language spoken by a human. Now, if I may return to teaching this class? Repeat after me: Ohnnng!"
"Ohnnng!"
"Gaaaar!"
"Gaaaar!"
"Boooovs!"
"Boooovs!"
Now, all together: EeeeeeeOhnngGaaaarBooooovs!"
"EeeeeeeOhnngGaaaarBoooovs!"
There were several gasps as Snape's mouth lifted in what was unmistakably a smile. "I never would have believed it. There's hope for the world, yet. Congratulations. You've just learned your first spell in Mermish."
"What does it do?" asked Neville.
"It rids Mediterranean Mermaids of parasites in hard-to-reach areas. Now, the incantation to dispel Sectumsempra is much more complex. Repeat after me." Snape sang a series of soft syllables that seemed to hang in the air like mist.
"Please, Professor Snape," asked Hermione, quill raised. "How do you spell that?"
"Impossible, unless you know the Magical Phonetic Alphabet, I'm afraid," said Snape, ignoring her deliberately grating tone. "Now, let me break it down into words."
o0o
It was a thoughtful Hermione Granger who entered Lucius Malfoy's classroom, hardly seeming to notice the precipitous pile of books she carried. She came back to herself when she found him draped over a book on his desk, fast asleep.
She slammed the pile of books down on the corner of his desk and grinned as he snapped into wakefulness, cheek red from being pressed against the book and sporting a line of dried spittle at one corner of his mouth.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Professor Malfoy!" she said. "I thought you were examining an ancient text."
"I- oh, yes. Quite. Ah. Miss Granger, is it? Why- oh, yes. Runes?"
"Yes sir. I've also returned all your books."
Lucius scrubbed his fist against his eye and yawned hugely. "Excellent. I hope they were useful."
"I couldn't have got by without them," she said, hoping her glee wasn't showing through. "But I'm still not decided on a final project. I was hoping I might borrow some more once we've discussed prognostication algorithms in South America."
"Progwhatsication? Oh yes. Runes. Ancient Runes. Little pictures. Very interesting subject."
"Are you all right, sir?"
"All right, Hermione. May I call you Hermione? Just tired, Hermione. Didn't get a wink all weekend. So tired. Hermione." His eyelids lowered and he began swaying alarmingly.
Hermione seized his shoulders and kept him from crashing into the desk. "All right, sir. Let's get you someplace horizontal, and quickly."
"Oh good," said Lucius in a singsong voice. "Horizontal quickly. I like that."
She hoisted his arm over her shoulder and heaved him to his feet. "Come on, Professor Malfoy. I'll try to exorcise that poultrygeist and get you some peace and quiet."
"I'd rather have a piece of- oh!" he cut off with a giggle. "That's not delicate to say in front of a lady."
"No ladies here," said Hermione lightly, leading him down the dank stairwell. "Just a filthy little Mudblood."
Lucius pulled away from her with a scowl. "That word is most unbecoming."
"Blood-traitor? Shame of your flesh?"
"Only an utter fool ignorant of your power and brilliance would denigrate you as such," Lucius said.
"That was uncharacteristically complimentary and polysyllabic."
Lucius waved his hand. "This is like being drunk," he mused. "I'd find it hard to deny you anything."
"In that case, please stick out your tongue and wiggle your fingers in your ears."
"I beg your pardon!"
"Liar. You're just embarrassed I caught you not looking your best."
His hand flew instinctively to his hair. "What do you mean?"
"Never mind. We're here." She threw open his door, finding, to her pleasure, that the room had been completely upended. "Get to bed, Professor Malfoy. I'll deal with the ghost. HOI!"
The poultrygeist appeared before her, an expectant look on its face.
She raised her wand and flourished it impressively. "Begone, fowl spirit!"
It disappeared with an infinitesimal wink and a squawk.
"That was impressive," said a voice in her ear. Hermione jumped. Lucius had removed his outer robe and shirt and sidled up next to her.
"I read about poultrygeists at Hogwarts," she said, unnerved by his proximity. "They're not that difficult to get rid of."
"So clever," he murmured, wrapping a possessive arm around her waist.
Hermione tried unsuccessfully to slip out of his grasp. "What do you think you're doing? Stop!"
"No, I've had three sleepless nights to contemplate how I should thank you for sending that ridiculous creature to me, and I won't wait any longer. Now, kiss me, you devilish little minx."
Hermione thought fast. She lowered her eyelids and leaned against his chest. "That's so very brave of you, sir, and I find that irresistible."
Lucius crooned. "I knew you'd come around to- one moment. What do you mean, 'brave?'"
Hermione chuckled. "There's no need to be modest," said Hermione, fingering a lock of hair that hung over his shoulder. "There are men in this world who would let the matter of communicable curse aftereffects scare them off, especially when the curse came from the Dark Lord. I suspected you were made of sterner stuff, and I'm looking forward to finding out just how stern."
Lucius's arms stiffened and he shifted imperceptibly away from Hermione. She darted in, seizing the belt at the top of his trousers and pulled him close. "Never mind that, Professor- Lucius. The healers at St. Mungo's assured me that there was only a forty percent chance of it being transmitted through protected intimate contact. Now, take me, Professor!"
Lucius held her at arm's length. "What exactly is 'it?'"
"Oh, you know," said Hermione dismissively. "Spots. Compromised fashion sense. The occasional sensation that your blood has turned to molten lead in your veins. Nothing terribly debilitating. Now, I believe you were about to ravish me against the wall?"
"I- er-"
She pressed up against him. "Come, Lucius. I ache for you. Unless you're too tired?"
"Yes!" exclaimed Lucius. "That's it! I'm too tired!"
"Oh well," said Hermione with a sigh. "I suppose we'll postpone until you've caught up with your sleep."
"Good. Don't come down here. I'll come to you."
"The password is 'Clytemnestra.' Now," she said, reaching toward his bare chest, "let's get you tucked in."
He jumped back quickly. "That's quite all right, my dear. I'll be fine on my own."
"If you insist, sir."
"No need to trouble yourself," he said, taking several steps away from her, slipping into the bed, and pulling the sheet up to his chin. "I'll just go to sleep now."
"It's no trouble," said Hermione. "I'd be happy to help warm the sheets for you."
"Unnecessary," said Lucius. "It's lovely and warm down here, isn't it?"
Hermione wrinkled her nose. "If you say so. I suppose I'll go get some reading done. Goodbye, Lucius. I'll see you again very soon."
Lucius waved feebly as she exited the room. He wondered if he had enough energy to take a potion bath and disinfect his sheets.
Meanwhile, Hermione Granger found herself alone in Lucius Malfoy's Ancient Runes classroom, which suited her down to the ground. She considered Hellspont's Novum Symbolum to be far more entertaining and useful company than a punch-drunk Lucius Malfoy. Though, she had to admit, the man had a lovely chest.
o0o