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The three of them sprang apart, but the poultrygeist didn't seem to have noticed them. It was rifling through a wooden box.
"I'm sorry to disturb you, Professor," said the poultrygeist, "but I'm taking inventory of naughty items, but I'm a bit out of my league."
"I'm really rather busy at the moment," said Severus through clenched teeth. "And as you can see, I have company."
The poultrygeist seemed not to have heard them. "Now I've seen novelty playing cards, prophylactic devices, and lacy lingerie, but what on earth is this?" It held up a glass cylinder with a crude pump attached.
Lucius blanched. "No idea. And it's definitely not mine."
"And these!" exclaimed the spectre, holding up a string of large beads. "I thought it was a necklace that had been put with the rude things by mistake, but there's no clasp!"
Severus cleared his throat. "I thought you said you'd lost those," he said to Lucius sotto voce.
"Must have slipped my mind."
"And this is no ordinary rubber ducky," said the poultrygeist. "But I can't for the unlife of me figure out exactly what it does. Oh!" it exclaimed, noticing Hermione and Lucius for the first time. It narrowed its eyes. "Wait just a moment. What's going on in here?"
"Revision," said Hermione, crossing her legs primly.
"Then where is your skirt? Your knickers?"
"I took them off because it's frightfully hot in here."
"Oh yes," agreed Lucius. "Your semi-corporeal form may not be able to sense it, but it's positively boiling in here. That's why I took my shirt off and Severus here removed his robe."
"That may be," said the poultrygeist, not at all mollified, "but it doesn't explain why he's wearing a suspender belt!"
"Suspender belt?" exclaimed Snape. "Do you mean my hernia truss?"
"It's holding up a pair of hose," said the poultrygeist suspiciously.
"No, those are support hose," said Hermione. "They're holding up the truss."
The poultrygeist looked at them all in turn. "It looks to me like you're engaging in hanky-panky!"
"A scandalous suggestion!" exclaimed Lucius. "Miss Granger here came to us with a desire to be tutored. We're simply fulfilling that request to the best of our ability and experience."
"As teachers at this school, we take our students' education very seriously," added Severus, looking grave.
"I don't know," exclaimed the spectre, wringing its wings. "It does look awfully bad. And I have so much to do! You've no idea what trouble the students in this school get into!"
"I'll tell you what," said Hermione. "You're a busy spirit, and this castle is full of students bent on hanky-panky of all sorts. Why don't we take that box and catalogue its contents for you? That way you can get back to your rounds."
The poultrygeist's eyes lit up. "You mean it?"
"I think you'll find Lucius in particular is quite knowledgeable of all things naughty, and Miss Granger is nothing if not creative."
The spectre laid the box on Severus's desk. "There are an awful lot of implements in that box. Is tomorrow afternoon enough time to get through them?
Lucius gave the spectre a charming smile. "Just leave everything to us."
The poultrygeist flushed silver. "I can't thank you enough! I thought I saw Potter sneaking off somewhere with a girl. I can hardly wait!"
It zipped off in a flurry of silvery feathers.
Lucius seized Hermione and kissed her passionately. "You, my dear, are too clever by half."
"And you, sir, have quite a lot to teach me, judging by the contents of that box," she said breathlessly.
"I say, Lucius," said Severus, who had been lining up various items upon the desk, "where on earth did you manage to find a Mage-O-Stim? I thought they didn't make them anymore for liability reasons."
"It's been in the family for years. And that reminds me, Miss Granger, you don't happen to have any delicious piercings, do you?"
"Only my ears," she said, sounding slightly disappointed.
"Never fear, it works on bare skin, as well," said Lucius.
"Aren't you worried that the glass will break?" asked Hermione, looking dubiously at what was obviously meant to probe one opening or another.
"Unbreakable Charm. All the glassware is charmed, otherwise, I'd be terrified to store it all in one box."
"Do things like this work as well as I've heard it told?" said Severus, holding aloft a blown glass object that resembled nothing so much as a two-ended comma.
"It's my favourite on nights that I am left to entertain myself," said Lucius. "Though the pink bunny is a close second."
"What do you do with the pink bunny?" asked Hermione, eyes wide.
"The same thing that I do with the rubber ducky, except I'm not in the bathtub."
"Are all of these for- er- individual use?" asked Hermione.
"Generally," said Lucius, "but they may be used among friends as well. Alas, it seems the dratted creature couldn't have the decency to bring us the larger items that have more, shall we say, wide-reaching applications? No matter. I think we've plenty to keep ourselves entertained."
"Judging by the look on Miss Granger's face, I hardly think we have to use any of them. They seem to have done their work by suggestion."
"All this has made me quite warm," agreed Hermione. Acutely aware of the men's gazes, she slowly removed her jumper and laid it gently on the desk. "Much better," she said, running her fingers under the straps of her brassiere, which must have been designed by a master architect for the way it lifted and emphasised her bosom.
Severus's hands were on her breasts immediately, cupping her breasts and the brassiere.
"Lovely," he murmured, thumbs running in circles over the embroidery and the nipples concealed beneath. He laid a lingering kiss upon each, then trailed his tongue down the furrow between Hermione's breast and up again, all the way to her chin.
He was poised to kiss her lips again, when something warm and impossibly soft began rubbing her buttocks. She gasped in surprise when she felt her skin tingling in its wake.
Lucius had borrowed Miss Granger's discarded sweater and wrapped one of the Mage-O-Stim attachments with it.
"What is that?" she exclaimed as Lucius seized the opportunity to rub it gently between her legs.
"The Mage-O-Stim consists of blown glass attachments containing a gaseous magical matrix which, when a wand is attached, becomes highly excited," explained Severus, who looked slightly put out at having been interrupted. "Not to mention somewhat unstable."
Lucius was trailing the Mage-O-Stim up Hermione's arm. "Fortunately, the danger of exploding glass is minimised when one is skilled in Charms," said Lucius smugly. "And you seem to know a lot about them, Severus."
"Shortly after I left Hogwarts, I had an internship at St. Mungo's, where we explored the possibility of using them to help victims of nerve damage," said Severus, crossing his arms.
"That's about as sexy as a paper hat," said Lucius dismissively.
"I don't know. Paper hats, when worn in the right places, can be quite a sight," said Hermione, lightly, sensing Severus's frown.
"Not everybody is interested in only salacious stories and frivolity," Severus couldn't resist adding.
"But we are here for a ménage a trois," pointed out Hermione, "which is by definition salacious and frivolous."
"Then perhaps I should let you proceed without me," sneered Severus.
Lucius slid the Mage-O-Stim down the top of Hermione's brassiere. When he reached the bottom of her brassiere, she yelped suddenly.
"So much for accurately judging Miss Granger's sensitivity," grumbled Severus.
"Metal underwire," explained Hermione.
Lucius shot Severus a dirty look. "At least I am making an attempt to entertain my guest," he said. With an apologetic glance at Hermione, Lucius twisted his wand quickly to make the Mage-O-Stim buzz loudly, and he thrust it crudely between Severus's legs, right against his scrotum.
Hermione's eyebrows were in danger of meeting her hairline, so surprised was she by Severus's yell.
"Now, Severus, are you going to behave, or are you going to make me put away this lovely device?"
"Sod off, Lucius!" Severus managed to squeeze the insult out through clenched teeth, and he yanked the Mage-O-Stim attachment off Lucius's wand.
"Oh dear. Miss Granger, it seems that Severus is in a snit. Is there anything you can do about that?"
Hermione considered. "I could gag you."
Severus snorted in spite of himself.
"It's not a bad idea, Hermione," said Lucius. "And it seems I've given offence. The least I can do is attempt to make amends." He licked his lips and leaned toward Severus's groin, but a soft hand on his arm made him pause.
"No, Lucius. Let me." Hermione lowered her head over Severus's stomach and was about to kiss her way down to his penis, when his hand lifted her chin to meet his eyes.
"Hermione," said Severus. "Why are you here? You don't need to prove anything to me, and you certainly aren't beholden to Lucius in any way."
She raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm not trying to prove anything," she said, matching his tone. "If anything, you ought to be trying to prove something to me."
He frowned. Lucius, who was helping himself to Severus's single-malt let out a soft snort.
"What are you talking about, you silly girl?" snapped Severus. "Surely you're not seriously considering Lucius's offer?"
"Of course not!" exclaimed Hermione. "And if I were, I'm certain Lucius wouldn't have me for being stupid. Marriage to me is not his real aim, obviously. I, however, am not about to pass up the opportunity to make love to not only one, but two experienced, intelligent, and powerful men, especially if the one I consider for long-term prospects is possessive enough to deny me the opportunity to explore later on."
"And what if I refused to be part of your semi-adolescent sexual exploration?"
"Then you'd show yourself to be the sort of small-minded petty tyrant that I'd be well shot of," said Hermione. "Should you ever make any kind of offer of exclusivity, I would be happy to accept. But until then, you're going to have to play by my rules."
"So if I do not consent to this tawdry drama, I will never have the opportunity to court you. So, the Gryffindor lioness has claws and is using them to blackmail her nasty teacher to have sex with her," Severus said nastily.
"It's not blackmail. It's incentive," said Hermione, hiding a smile. "If you'd put your stubborn pride aside, you'd see that it's a win-win situation for all."
"Pray tell, how in your perfect paradigm do I win in this?"
"Isn't it obvious, Severus?" piped up Lucius, who was watching their exchange with an insufferable smirk on his face. "You'd get me for the night. You'd get the girl until she comes to her senses. You'd get the night you may claim not to want, but your unflagging little man tells me a different story. I say, Hermione, have you noticed the state he's in?"
"It's rather difficult to miss."
"Let us leave my involuntary reflexes out of the conversation," ordered Severus.
"But my dear Severus, your involuntary reflexes are germane to the point Miss Granger is trying to make!"
"Which is?"
"You're aching for this, Severus," said Lucius, running his hands lightly over Hermione's shoulders. "And other parts of you are aching for this," he said, gesturing at his tented trousers, "or this," he said, rubbing one hand against his right buttock. "All is being freely and enthusiastically offered to you. Don't look too closely at a gift unicorn's horn."
"Miss Granger, I've been meaning to ask you how you would go about removing a bothersome person who thinks he knows me better than I know myself."
"I suppose there's nothing for it," said Hermione, drawing the wand she had stashed in her boot. She made a quick slashing motion with her wand, and Severus was thrown onto his bed. As if he had somehow anticipated her move, Lucius made a circle with the tip of his wand and lashed Severus securely to the bedposts with the velvet bands he had stashed under the pillow.
"Lucius, you thrice-damned son of a troll!" yelled Severus, pulling hard at his bonds. "Release me at once!"
Lucius ignored him. "Hermione, my dear, since Severus seems to have been detained, would you care to join me in the armchair?"
Hermione caught Severus's eye. "Do I have any other offers?"
Severus glared at her.
"Very well, Lucius, I'll join you."
"Marvellous," he replied, removing his belt and unzipping his trousers. "Bring whatever you like from the box."
Hermione rifled through the box and the items that Severus had laid out on the desk. This one was too large. That one was obviously meant for solo male pleasure. Another had a slightly creepy smiley face on the end. Finally, she found what she was looking for.
She hid it behind her back and sauntered over to Lucius, who was now clad only in a pair of elaborate briefs of black lace. He smiled up at her as she approached.
"What have you there?"
"Close your eyes and try to guess."
He obliged with a smile.
She smiled as Severus pointedly tried not to look at her when she pulled Lucius's cane from behind her back.
Ever so gently, she brushed the cold silver handle against the tip of Lucius's nipple.
"Oh!" he gasped. "It's not the nipple clamps, is it?"
"Sorry," said Hermione with a grin.
She warmed the handle in her hands for a moment, and used the silver snake fangs to scrape up the surface of Lucius's scrotum.
"Oh, you naughty girl!" he exclaimed. "It's that old spur of mine, isn't it?"
"Guess again, Lucius!" She pressed the ebony shaft across his thigh and rolled it back and forth, massaging the muscle.
Lucius sighed. "It's wonderful, but I've no idea what you're using."
She held the head of the cane between her breasts. "Then open your eyes."
He obliged, and blinked in surprise. "You didn't use any of the implements?"
"I really haven't any idea how to use them," she said. "And really, I'd just as soon enjoy your company this evening without the added stress of having to learn to use a new device."
"You didn't know how to use any of them?" he asked, incredulous.
"I never had one that someone else charmed before," she said, blushing.
"Am I to conclude that you made frequent use of the Centrifuge Charm on everyday objects, then?" he said with a knowing smile.
"Call it a scientific inquiry into women's health and well-being."
"An image I will have to live with for the rest of my life," complained Severus, breaking his sullen silence at last.
Hermione ignored Severus. "Besides, I always found that a creative new lover was far preferable to toys, no matter how effectively they were charmed."
Lucius laughed heartily. "Then my dearest Hermione, we shall save the implements for another night. In the meantime, kiss me, dear girl. I'll add further evidence to your supposition."
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