Bittersweet Recollections

John

Unseeingly, I stared at the casket that held my father and thought back to three other losses that my brothers and I suffered. Our mother died while we were young not too long after our grandfather. Three years ago, Grandma went to lie down for her afternoon nap and never woke. As much as I loved my mother, Grandma's death hurt even more since she'd always been there for me.

"John?" Scott tugged the sleeve of my suit to get my attention. Tensing slightly, I reluctantly shifted my gaze to his grief-stricken face. "It's time to go." I'd been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't even realized that Dad's casket had been lowered into the ground. He was finally with Mom again. Silently, I followed my brothers to the limo. We were pretty much oblivious to the flashes from the multiple cameras and the furor that the media had instigated when they heard of Jefferson Tracy's death. Sinking into the plush interior of the limo, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes in a desperate attempt to hold back the tears that were stinging and relentless in their need to be released. A montage of memories flashed through my mind's eye as I struggled to rein in the small boy who wanted his daddy back. How could he leave me when he had been the parent who'd been there for me my whole life? How could he just be gone with no warning…just like Mom? I couldn't keep thinking like this, I needed to remember Dad and the love that he showed each of us.

Flashback

Despite the appearance of the sun in the early morning there was still a hint of coolness that warranted that the man and his son wear a jacket. Their gear was already loaded in the truck for their outing.

"Have a fun and be careful." Lucy sat at the kitchen table and enjoyed her morning mug of tea. Savoring the rare quietness that could only be found in the early mornings before all of her sons was awake.

"We will, Mom," John promised. Jeff picked up the thermoses that either held hot chocolate for John or coffee for him before leaning down to kiss Lucy.

"What's on your agenda today?" he asked, amused by the expression on John's face. Whenever any of his sons saw Lucy and him kissing or hugging, none of them could hide the embarrassed and uncomfortable expression that graced their face. Lucy barely managed to hide her smile before she answered his question.

"I'm going to enjoy the peace and quiet before the Terrible Two take to annoying Scott and Virgil," she replied. A loud crash above the kitchen was followed by a scream that made John cringe.

"DADDY'S STILL HOME!" John grabbed his dad's hand and pulled on it.

"Come on, Dad, let's go." He was still tugging when his youngest brothers slid into the kitchen and ran to their dad.

"Daddy, we wanna go fishin', too!" Gordon exclaimed. "Take us with you, please?" Dipping his head slightly to hide his disappointment, John let go of his father's hand and set the thermos down on the table. Gordon and Alan had their father's attention and as one of the downfalls of having a large family, John felt left out. His youngest brothers had each other for companionship and Scott and Virgil were often together but he had no one to buddy up with. Dejectedly, he slipped out the backdoor and into the backyard. With no place in particular to go, he headed for the tire swing that Jeff had hung from one of the sturdier branches of the boys' favorite climbing tree that also housed their clubhouse…no girls allowed, of course. Dragging his shoes in the dew covered grass, he wasn't aware of any one near him.

"Ready to go, Johnny?" Startled from his thoughts, John slipped from the swing and landed in a heap on the ground. Chuckling, Jeff offered a hand to help his son to his feet. He could hear his brothers' cries of disappointment and sighed.

"It's alright if they go, Dad," he muttered.

Jeff calmly placed a hand on his second born son's shoulder before responding. "I know how much you've been looking forward to today and I'm also very much aware of how many times you let one or more of your brothers tag along on time that I set aside for us but never once have you asked for the same in return nor have they ever offered to let you join us." Jeff had led John to the truck without drawing attention to what he was doing. "Get in because I'm quite certain that I'll catch more fish than you will."

"Yeah, right, Dad, the only thing you'll manage to catch will be a nap," John deadpanned. Grinning up at his dad allowed Jeff to see the sparkle of happiness in his eyes. Neither of them saw Lucy standing just inside the doorway listening to their banter with a soft smile on her face. She had seen John slip out when Gordon and Alan had cornered Jeff and had been pleased to see that he had also noticed. Of their five sons, John was the one she worried about due to his shyness and unwillingness to push for attention or acceptance.

End flashback

When we got back to the old farmhouse where we spent our early childhood, I needed to go off by myself for a bit. After taking off my suit, I changed into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and a pair of old hiking boots. Scott and Virgil were sitting at the kitchen table when I headed out the backdoor.

"Where are you going?" Scott called out before the door shut.

"Out," I called back, heading for Dad's old truck.

"Damnit, John, what the hell is wrong with you?" Scott grabbed at my arm before I had crossed the backyard. Suddenly, the tears that I'd been holding back flooded my face and I sank to my knees.

"He's gone, Scotty." My words were hard to understand as I'd started sobbing. "He's gone just like Mom and now I don't have anyone."

"You have us, Johnny," he said, holding me close.

"No, I don't because it's always been you and Virgil. And the Terrible Two have each other," I argued. "I'm the odd man out and always have been."

"Sorry, little brother, but you are not alone and you never will be," Scott shot back. "Right now the five us need each other and I'll be damned if I let you go off to grieve alone."

"Yeah, Johnny, we need to pull together." Virgil had followed Scott out but I hadn't seen him. Out of nowhere, two more bodies tackled Scott, Virgil, and me.

"Hey, we love you, jerk," Alan offered.

"Yeah, what blondie said," Gordon said. I don't know how long the five us sat huddled on the ground but for the first time I realized just how much I meant to my brothers.

"Thank you, Mom and Dad, for giving me four most annoying, irritating, and the best brothers a man could ever want."