A/N: So begins the reading... Just so you know, there will be a mini-story side plot at the bottom that will come into play later in the story. Bold italics indicates the Mary Sue story. And may I just comment... My God. I could feel my brain shrivel up and turn into mush as I wrote this horrible Sue. Ah well. Read, Review, and Enjoy!

Note: I'm afraid I'm clean out of ideas for the Weasley twins and Lucius Malfoy. Anyone know of any over-stereotyped Mary Sues for them that I could borrow and return, lightly flamed and sporked?

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The opening feast started as usual, Harry read reluctantly, but halfway thro… he stopped, glancing at the page in confusion. "'Thro?' Is that supposed to be 'through?'"

"Must be," Ron answered. "Keep reading."

…halfway thro the doors bust, Harry visibly scowled, open and a shadowy figure glides in. Everyone was nervous cos of Voldemort but Dumbeldore said 'its ok shes a foreign x-change student here from america and she'll be sorted.' So teh…"'Teh?'" Harry asked, bewildered. "What the…?"

"Just keep reading, and don't stop, you'll be done faster that way," Lupin advised him.

…teh gurl walked up and the sorting hat got put on her and teh hat screamed Griffindoor! And the girl walked past teh Slitherinn and Huffelpuf and Ravinclawr tablez to Griffindoor cheering 4 her and set down next to harry. harry said'wow your pretty' and she wuz, she had gorgeous waste-length blond hair flowing like a river of sunlight on gold and skin as fair as porcelien with a grate gold tan and pretty iceblue eyes like chips of artic ice… Harry blinked. "If that wasn't redundant, I don't know what is." …like chips of artic ice that kinda reminded him of somethin and a grate figger, skinny but not too skinny with awsum cleevage and he couldn't stop staaring at her coz her clothes were so fab, she wore a tite brite pink lo-cut shirt and black mini-skirt and awesum red hi-heel shoes. Then Dumbly… This time it was Remus's turn for a double take. …Then Dumbly said 'harry, Cassiopeia i need 2 tawk to you' coz Cassiopeia wuz her name 'but you can call me Cassy she told harry and he nodded so they went to talk to Dumbly. 'Harry shes Sirius daughter' he told Harry. Sirius's jaw dropped in horror. 'she wuz raised in america and shes a animagus and really powerfull wizard who mite kill Volde.' Harry nodded, that wuz y her gorgus blue eyes and luvly black hair look familiar. Harry stared at the page in confusion. "Didn't it just say that she had blond hair?"

"Maybe a Mary Sue is a Metamorphmagus Veela," Remus suggested.

"Can't be," Sirius replied grumpily, "if she's supposed to be my daughter."

Teh next day cassy prooved she wuz awesum in potions and all the magic classes even better and smarter and got better grades then hermione who wuz jealous of her and she was prettier than cho or ginny and harry liked her better soon they were dating.

"WHAT?!?!?!" Hermione screamed. She, Ginny, Luna, and Tonks had just come in from their day out shopping, and all four were looking shocked, horrified, angry, or, in Luna's case, mildly curious.

"Don't worry," Neville said quickly. "It's just a stupid book we found, we were reading it to try and figure out what a Mary Sue is, of course we all think you guys are better than some stupid character." Slightly mollified, the girls sat down.

Her animagis was awesum it was a big blak wulf wit blu eyes and speshul powerz she could fly and read mindz and control peeple. Dumbly had ta trane her to use her pwerz so she did'nt hrt some one. Also it turned out that shed ben living wit bad peeple who hert her an mad her werk asa servant but she didn't care coz she was at Hogwarts now with harry. Tejh year went buy and she wuz awesum at quidich and every1 luvved her even snape. Than death eater dudes attacked and no 1 wuz hert but they captuered cassy coz she wuz so pwerfull they wanted to make her tern bad or if she would'nt ten kil her. "Wow," Harry said sarcastically. "Way to keep the story moving smoothly."

But she refused of course so volde said 'i'l hav to kil u and he hert her but she new harry was coming 4 her and he wuz he bust in and tryd to help her but they caut him 2, and it got cassy so mad she broke teh chanes anmd fought of the deatheaters til al wer gone but volde and she starred at him and he staared at her and he screemed nd vanished in a puf off smoke and all teh peeple under teh curses came back but harry wuz hert. Harry glared at the page. "This is ridiculous. Do I really have to read it?"

"Yes," said Ron, grinning. Harry was about to argue, but then he remembered that Ron's story was next.

Cassy cried 'no harry u cant die i luv u' and cried awesummly harry wuz alrite. Dumbly said 'yor teers hav heeled him hes alrite and volde's gone so everytings good!' and everywun celabrated. That nite in grimold plase… everyone started and stared around, as if expecting to see the terror herself. …harry and Cassiopeia had…fun she had teh handcuffs and the whipped cream and straw berries and they went up too teh bed room and… Harry's eyes widened, and his face, which had been flushed throughout the entire reading, went white. "I don't think I really want to read this," he muttered, scanning it. "Good lord… I didn't know that was even possible… it just keeps going on and on!" Finally, about twenty pages later, he finally found a section that was reasonably safe.

…and harry lie on teh bed exhausted and jkissed her nd said 'cassy i luv u' nd she huged him and said 'i luv u 2,' nd they livd hapily ever and had to gurls nd a boy and teh end.

Remus blinked. "Well, that was abrupt," he commented. The others were suffering rather more adverse effects. Harry looked like he was about to be sick, Ron wasn't sure whether to crack up or barf, the twins were cracking up, Hermione looked stunned, Ginny appeared to be hopping mad, Sirius was disgusted, Oliver Wood looked decidedly uncomfortable, Tonks was twitching, and Neville, a look of growing horror on his face, was comprehending what the 'fun' was. Luna alone seemed unfazed.

"It says," she announced, taking the book from Harry, "that Ron Weasley is next. Ronald, I believe that's you?" Ron shut his mouth, which had been hanging open, with a snap. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and seemed to consider running for it. The twins weren't about to let him off that easily though. Grinning evilly, they sat down on either side of him, plonked the book heavily into his lap, and opened it to the second story. Realizing it was pointless, Ron gulped, picked up the pink abomination, and began to read.

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Somewhere, in a universe (or galaxy, take your pick) far, far away, a group of Sue-nese fangirls realized that their beloved book of Sue stories, carefully bound with pink ribbons and decorated with Lisa Frank stickers, the fruit of many hours' long writing, was missing…