In which Snape bares all - metaphorically speaking, my friends! - and Rose discovers there really is a fate worse than death (no joke). This chapter has a lot of exposition, just hang in there.... Rated PG-13; some book 4 spoilers. As always, the fabulous Potterverse and all who inhabit it are J.K. Rowling's. Anything you don't like is, of course, mine.
Side by side they stood at the entrance to the Great Hall.
"Rose! Severus!" came the cry from Dumbledore as he leapt up from his seat at the head table and hurried over. He was echoed by those others present at breakfast. Minerva McGonagall dropped a teapot in her astonishment and Frederick Flitwick yelped as he was splashed with the scalding brew. Arabella came running.
"Rose! Are you all right?" She threw her arms around her goddaughter, gathering her close.
"Easy there, Arabella," Rose gasped as the wound in her side protested this show of affection. But Snape stepped in.
"She needs to see Poppy at once," he said firmly, disengaging Arabella's arms. "She's had a rough night."
"And whose fault is that?" Sirius stepped forward menacingly.
"Sirius!" Rose exclaimed. But again Snape intervened. "Mine, Black," he said levelly, eye to eye with his antagonist. "All mine."
The two men glared at one another. "Why should Rose go haring off after you? You're not worth it," Sirius snarled.
Over Rose's objections Snape said calmly, "I know, and I quite agree. If she ever gets it into her head to put herself in danger like that again, please lock her up."
"Severus!" Rose protested. The two men looked at her, Sirius with dawning suspicion. "Rose, you heard him! Don't even think about doing something like that ever again, or I'll - I'll - "
"Or you'll what? You're my guardian, Sirius, not my gaoler!" Rose looked around at the little group. "I really appreciate everyone being so overprotective, but I am of age and fully rational, you know. It was my decision and mine alone to go find Professor Snape. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make another decision and go find Madam Pomfrey." She stalked off. Snape's eyes followed her with unmistakable amusement.
"What's so bloody funny?" Sirius snapped.
"You've got your hands full there, Black," Snape said with a twisted half-grin. "I wouldn't push her too hard if I were you."
"Why, you - " Sirius's hands curled into fists, and Dumbledore coughed loudly. "Severus, why don't you tell us the full story of what happened. Rose's note was, er, alarmingly brief. I'd like to know a bit more." He steered Snape back to the head table and poured him out some tea. Sirius, still fuming, joined them, as did Arabella and the others.
By the time Rose returned, dressed in one of her own gowns and walking much less stiffly, the group was looking rather grave. Arabella poured her some tea and she sat sipping it. "What?" she said, seeing that all eyes were on her.
Dumbledore said, "Rose, we'd like your part of the story now, please. How did you find Severus?" She explained her reasoning and the search that had begun as she left the graveyard. To her relief, it had been easy to find the Riddle home once she'd reached the hamlet nearby. A visit to the neighbourhood pub, one mention of "the old Riddle place," and she was given a general direction which took her up a long hill to the supposedly deserted mansion.
"So now we know Voldemort's hiding place," she said with satisfaction. "Only - how much does he know about us?" She looked at Snape, not having thought to ask before. "Did he make you tell him anything?"
Snape looked guarded. "As I was telling the Headmaster, he became suspicious when he found I'd lied about - a task he ordered me to carry out. He questioned me about the task, but nothing further. I said nothing about working for Dumbledore or about our council here."
"But doubtless he's drawing some new conclusions - especially now you've been freed," Sirius growled. Snape glared at him, but only nodded.
Dumbledore said, "An excellent piece of reasoning, Rose, and you were extremely brave to rescue Severus as you did. I'm sure he joins his thanks to mine." Snape mumbled something indistinguishable. "But I'm afraid I too must become overprotective. You don't realise the risk you ran - "
For the first time in her years at Hogwarts, Rose interrupted the headmaster. "Why must everyone act as though I'm some child?" she stormed. "I was the only one who knew the place to look, why shouldn't I go? I've faced Voldemort before, you may remember."
Snape and Dumbledore looked at each other. "I need to speak with you," Snape said quietly to the headmaster. Dumbledore nodded. Rose looked from one to the other. "What's going on?" she demanded.
Snape wouldn't look at her. The rest of the group looked as mystified as Rose. Dumbledore said, "I will speak with you later, Rose. Right now Severus and I must confer. I promise I will send for you later." Rose stared after the two men as they left the Hall.
Immediately Sirius was at her side. "Rose, what possessed you to do such a thing? And to rescue Snape of all people - "
Rose sighed. "Please don't start, Sirius. Why do you have such a problem with him anyway?"
"With Snape? Are you joking? We were here at school together, he never said or did one thing to make me want to be his friend. Just the opposite."
"And did you? Do anything to make him want to be your friend?" Rose said, a bit more sharply than she meant to. Sirius looked taken aback.
"Rose, I was with him at school too, a couple of years behind him and Sirius," Arabella put in. "Sirius is right, he was - "
Rose put up a hand. "Please, enough," she said, a note of distress in her voice. "I'm - really tired, and I just want to go rest."
"Of course, sweetheart," Arabella said at once. She and Sirius looked worriedly at each other as Rose hurried from the Hall.
---
"Me?" Snape said, a look of horror on his usually impassive face. "Why not you?"
"Because I think it will be easier for her if she hears it from you. I think you ... can help her, if you will," Dumbledore said slowly, looking intently at the man opposite him.
"You mean - " His face grew hot. "I know you don't mean anything dishonourable. But in that case - " He didn't question how Dumbledore knew his feelings; he had always seemed to possess the capacity to read minds, from the time Snape had been a student. "It's impossible, Dumbledore," he said softly. "Even if she would have me."
"Is it?" The headmaster looked keenly at him. "Is there enough between you to overcome the barriers? That is what you must discover. But I cannot help you there ... Are you willing to see her?"
Snape nodded once, slowly.
Sighing, Dumbledore stood up, and Snape stood as well. "I will send for her after lunch, and you may find me in my rooms if you need me, Severus. Just be sure to tell her everything. There are a great many things she needs to hear from you, if I'm not mistaken." The Headmaster ushered Snape from his study. "Now get yourself some breakfast and have a rest, my boy, you've more than earned it."
---
"Severus!" she said in surprise. "Where's Professor Dumbledore?"
"He wanted us to talk," Snape said, shutting the door behind her. "Rose, please sit." She perched on a sofa by the hearth and looked enquiringly at him.
He cleared his throat, pacing back and forth before the fire, not looking at her.
"What is it?" She had never seen him look so uncomfortable.
"There are ... things you need to know," he began slowly, looking now at the carpet, now into the flames. Anywhere but into her innocent eyes.
"Then tell me. And please sit down, Severus, and look at me. It can't be that bad," she said.
"Oh yes it can." He lowered himself into a chair opposite the sofa and raised his eyes to her face. She had the impression this took a great deal of effort. "Rose, Voldemort has a plan to ... he's told his followers ...."
"What?" Any more of this and she would go mad.
"He wants - to use you. He's found some obscure prophecy about - Well, he thinks the reason he hasn't been able to kill you before, is ... because you are meant to help him - found a dynasty of Death Eaters. His own flesh and blood. He plans to make you his - " He could not find the word. There was no word for it.
The sense of this did not sink in for a moment. Suddenly Rose doubled over, wrapping her arms around her knees and putting her head down as though fighting to retain consciousness. She made not a sound, but he could see her shaking violently. He fell to one knee at her side, putting his arm about her shoulders. "Rose - "
She raised a haunted face, paler than he'd ever seen her, white as salt. "Please," she muttered, "let me be - I'll be sick - " Severus glanced at Fawkes's empty perch. Damn, where's a comforting Phoenix when you need one? Albus must have taken his familiar with him into his quarters. Severus would have to handle the emergency alone. He went to the sideboard and found the bottles and glasses the Headmaster kept for visiting guests. Pouring out a tumbler of something strong-smelling, he returned to Rose's side and proffered the glass. "Drink," he ordered.
"I can't," she said faintly, trying to push his hand away.
"Rose, I mean it," he said firmly, holding the tumbler to her lips. "You'll feel better ... there...." He coaxed her to take a sip and she choked on the taste. "Drink it all...." She shuddered as the spirits coursed down her throat, but she was able to sit up once more. He put the glass down swiftly and sat next to her on the couch. He took her unresisting body into his arms and held her, cradling her head under his chin, stroking her hair. They sat that way for a long moment.
"I'm sorry, love, I'm so sorry," he murmured hoarsely, kissing the top of her head. She had never heard a voice so full of regret. The endearment caught her attention, but the regret interested her much more just then.
"You're sorry? Why?" She turned a little to look up at him. He saw she was less pale now, though still in shock.
"I didn't want you to know," he said, and she could definitely hear a break in his voice. "You wouldn't ever have had to find out, if I'd been able to convince Voldemort you were - unsuitable for what he had in mind."
"You tried to convince him I was unsuitable," she repeated. "In what way?"
He hesitated. "He needed - he said you had to be ... untouched."
She frowned, as if trying to work a puzzle. "So you tried to tell him I was - sexually experienced?"
"Er ... yes."
She laughed, weakly. "There's a joke. The Dark Lord may plunder, maim, and kill, but he won't soil himself with a tramp? A little too fastidious, if you ask me." She rested her head against his chest once more. Her shaking had subsided, but he felt how clammy her skin was as he smoothed her hair over her forehead. "By the way," she said, "how did you ... know I wasn't?"
You can't see yourself as I see you, or you'd know how I know ... it's written all over you, in every line of your beautiful, innocent face ... Less innocent now, since this new threat had come to shatter her peace. As if repeated threats to her life, as if the loss of her parents, wasn't enough - He held her tightly and vowed that somehow he would make all this right for her, somehow he would avenge her on Voldemort. Only when the Dark Lord's threat was entirely ended would she be safe. Somehow....
"You haven't answered my question," she said softly.
"How I knew ... the unicorn," he stammered. "Voldemort ordered me to make the test." He explained the circumstances that had led up to their meeting that night in Hagrid's shed.
"You were so angry," she murmured.
"At Dumbledore, at you - at myself most of all. And Voldemort did have an owl spying for him that night, so our precautions were useless in the end. But if I'd been quicker to think up some story when he asked me about it; if I'd just been more convincing - "
Rose turned to look into his eyes again. "Now you're sounding like me about Cedric. This isn't your fault and you're not to think it is," she said, her colour a bit heightened. He was glad to see it.
She settled her head back under his chin. "Go on. What else is there?"
"That you should know, you mean?" Where to begin? Rose, I want you, I need you, I never thought I could feel this way about -
"Yes. Now I know why you were so upset to see me at the Riddle house, why Dumbledore wants to protect me...." She thought back, horrified. "Do they all know? Did everyone know but me?"
"No, no, just Dumbledore and myself - and now you," he reassured her. She sighed, relieved.
"Rose." His arms folded around her tighter than before. Lord, give him courage.... "I can take away ... this threat at least. I can help you."
She jumped in his arms. "You mean - "
"Marry me, Rose," he whispered.
"What?" she breathed. She twisted around and looked searchingly into his face, putting her hands on his shoulders.
He cleared his throat. "Will you marry me?" His expression was shuttered, but his eyes burned into hers.
Somehow she looked as though this was a bigger shock than his revelations about Voldemort's scheme. She finally whispered, "Why do you want to marry me? Aside from...."
"Rose - " he took her face in his hands, swallowing hard - "I ... I love you. You've become - " he hesitated; God, this was harder than telling her the Dark Lord's plans for her - "the most precious thing in my life, so precious you're all but unattainable. I never thought I'd be able to tell you how I felt. I'm too old and bitter for you, there are a thousand reasons why you shouldn't accept me. I wouldn't be telling you this at all, except - "
"Except?" she said, her voice steady.
"Except I'm now the lesser of two evils," he muttered. "Unless ... there's someone else ... someone you're fond of who could - ?"
She looked into his dear, tormented face; he seemed to be struggling inwardly, preparing himself for disappointment. "Severus, what did you call me before?" she said, her voice low and tender. He stared at her. She reached up and stroked his cheek; she seemed to be perpetually fascinated by the smoothness of his skin. "Am I your love?" she asked.
His eyes fell before hers. "Do you want to be?"
"Oh yes," she sighed, stretching up to kiss him.
He took her mouth so hungrily. His hands were trembling as they had that first time. She had no doubts about his feelings … but -
He forcibly set her away from him. "My Rose," he murmured. "We have to stop this."
"I thought this was the whole point," she said lightheartedly. Remarkable how a kiss could turn her mood around; she could almost take on Voldemort himself right now.
He just looked at her. "Okay, it was a joke," she said, smiling. "Old-fashioned, huh? I like that."
He spoke with some difficulty. "I don't want you to give me your answer right away, Rose. Marriage is a very big step and you should think hard about this."
"I know," she said. "There are things we need to talk about. Number one, how rich are you? What kind of a bargain would I be getting here? I've always longed to be a trophy wife." C'mon, please smile for me....
His mouth did quirk a bit. "There, that's a start," she said. He looked mystified. "I'd like to see if you can smile before I tie myself to you for life. Nothing worse than a grumpy husband."
He did not smile at this. "Rose, I can really be a bastard, you know that."
"I've seen you in action. I also noticed that after I yelled at you last year, you were much nicer to Neville. At least, you let him alone, which was a good beginning. So I'll just need to keep yelling at you. Next problem?"
"I'm very much older than you. I've seen a lot of things. There's a lot of darkness in me, Rose."
"So how old are you?"
"Thirty-eight. I'll be thirty-nine in November."
"Scorpio, I knew it." Rose paused. "So, when you're 100, I'll be 80. That doesn't sound so bad to me. And don't forget, I've seen - darkness too."
But seemingly it hadn't touched the core of her being, the way it had his.
"What will Dumbledore say, do you think?" she asked.
"He was the one who suggested I talk to you and see if I could help you. He knows my feelings, I think he's known for some time."
"How long have you, er, felt this way?" she asked a bit shyly.
He began caressing her hair once more. "I honestly don't know," he said. "For such a long time I resented you - "
"Why?"
"Because - you're so much like your mother, Rose," he said heavily. "You need to know this. I loved Lily for a long time, from the time we were students together. But when she preferred your father, I grew to hate James Potter more than I thought I could hate anyone. And when you were born, and she died protecting you...." He couldn't continue.
"You blamed me," she said softly.
He swallowed. "It wasn't right, it wasn't fair," he said. "But I did."
"No more than I've blamed myself," she whispered. She clasped his hands in hers. "No more guilt, Severus," she said firmly. "No more, we've both had enough of it."
"Rose...." he said, very low. "As you grew up, you reminded me more and more of Lily. Not just your appearance, but your sweetness, your spirit ... I think I always knew - I could fall for you as I'd fallen for her. And so for a long time, I wouldn't let myself think about you at all. And then the night you went through the maze ... you seemed to need me, and it was so sweet - to be needed. And I sat there in the hospital ward, watching you sleep ... and I knew. I knew I felt something for you, a man's feelings, not the feelings I'd had as a schoolboy, but something I knew would last. You are not some substitute for Lily, Rose, so don't ever begin to think that. I love you for yourself. You're everything I've always wanted and never thought I could have."
"Severus," she whispered. Tears spilled from her eyes. He brushed them away with one finger.
"I love you too, you know," she said. At these words his countenance, though still solemn, became filled with a light she'd never imagined seeing in him. She paused, drinking in the sight.
"How long have you known?" he finally asked.
She thought for a moment. "Well, when you first kissed me I knew for certain ... once I had a chance to recover. But I think it started much sooner than that. Maybe that day I yelled at you."
She gave a small smile, smoothing his sleeve over the Dark Mark on his left arm. "Can you tell me about ... this?"
He frowned. "I was an idiot, Rose. An idiot schoolboy who thought he'd found someone he could follow, someone who would earn wizards and witches the respect we deserved and would never get, not as long as the non-magical world hated and feared us. My father followed him first. He actually initiated me into the circle of Death Eaters." Rose gasped.
"Yes," he said slowly. "The Death Eaters didn't start out as the group you've seen. It was like a secret club at first, something exciting and mysterious, something that made me feel important and special. Only later did the torture and killing begin - as Voldemort hammered into us the importance of wizarding heritage, the superiority of the pure bloodline, we began to believe it, and built on it until we could rationalise anything in his service."
"Have you ever - " this was so hard to ask, but she had to know - "killed anyone, Severus?"
"No," he whispered. "But I stood by while my father murdered my mother. As a pledge of his faithfulness to Voldemort."
Rose gripped his hands tightly.
"She had begun to oppose the Dark Lord," he said tonelessly. "Voldemort knew he was losing her loyalty. She wanted to take my sister and me, and run away. I knew her plans were made ... and He knew too. He called our father before him and ordered him to prove his fidelity. And - he did. Right then and there in the Circle, before us all."
"Dear God," Rose whispered. She put her arms around him and held him tightly.
"I was too shocked to say or do anything. Voldemort turned to me and said, 'I am all the mother you need now, boy. Remember, anyone who opposes me sets himself against Destiny.' And that night I came to Dumbledore and told him everything."
"How old were you?" Rose asked softly.
"Seventeen," he said. "Oh, God, Rose, I could have done something, I know I could have - if I'd gone to Dumbledore sooner - "
"Shh," she said, shifting on the sofa and pulling his head down to her breast. She began smoothing his hair. "No guilt, remember? You are not to blame. How could you, at seventeen, win against Voldemort at the height of his power? You had no notion of what he planned to ask of your father, did you?"
"No," he admitted in a muffled voice. His hands circling her waist were like ice through the thin cloth of her robe, but she did not shrink away.
"And you've spied for Dumbledore ever since?" she asked gently.
"Yes. And sometimes I'd have to go on Death Eater raids ... Dumbledore taught me a special charm, the Spell of Living Death, so I could make it look as though I'd killed someone - whomever I used it on would appear dead, but would actually wake three days later, remembering nothing. Dumbledore worked with the Ministry to hush up these incidents - the people I 'killed' went into hiding, just so I could keep spying and not be suspected."
"You were - you are - very brave," Rose said. She continued to run her fingers through his hair. He nestled his head more snugly against her breast, giving a sigh. They sat that way for long moments.
Finally, reluctantly, he sat up.
"So Rose, that's my history. I've seen things, I've done things, that aren't pretty. I may not have killed anyone, but I've done plenty besides - "
"It's all right," she said. "It's all right." She took his hand. "If you'll have someone as young and naïve as me, I'll certainly have you. I knew when you kissed me, I know now, you're the only one for me."
He looked down at her unbelievingly. "My Rose ... are you sure?"
"I'm sure," she said softly. "It may seem crazy, but I've never been more sure of anything."
Severus Snape smiled.
---
Finally the door opened and Rose came out. With Snape. And -
She laughed quietly. "What'll we tell him?" He bent his head and kissed her fiercely. "Just the truth, love." They walked down the corridor, hand in hand.
The black dog stood in the shadowy corner, hackles raised, and watched them go.
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Poor Sirius! Can you blame him for being upset? I know this chapter was long on conversation and short on action, thanks for your patience, so much needed to be said. Apologies for the looooooong wait between updates this time -- I rather lost heart with this story, but Unicorn Lady persuaded me to go on! Thanks for your comments, everyone: Unicorn Lady, Goddess Isis CXII, Nicolette, Velvet, Chary, Eva, eavening (since this is an AU, I made Cedric the same age as Rose), calais, and Danielle!!