Firsts - Ralphie
December 31, 2001
A New Years' Eve party isn't supposed to involve me staring down the face of evil - Wanda - who wanted to kill me.
"YOU DID WHAT?!" She cried. I'd never seen her this angry. Tim looked at me sympathetically - at least I hoped it was sympathy. Arnold was surprised and I saw vague disappointment on his face. Carlos was trying very hard to hide a complicated mix of feelings. All the girls, even Wanda, had some degree of "I'm going to cry" written on their foreheads. DA was studying her shoes; Keesha was shaking her head and gritting her teeth. Phoebe looked shocked and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. Good old Phoebe, always the first to cry. Wanda was shaking.
"It - I'm sorry." I realized it sounded more like a question than an apology, neither of which were an explanation, which is what Wanda wanted. "Do we have to do this here?"
"Yes." Carlos gritted his teeth. Phoebe put an arm around Keesha.
"Why aren't you asking her?" I spat out. Wrong answer.
"Because I'm asking you!" Wanda fumed. I sighed. It was the best answer I could get.
"Fine." I sighed. "It was last spring. We were studying for the US history test at my house and it just happened."
"Last spring?" Keesha squealed. Phoebe pulled her closer and started to glare at me. "How could you not tell me?"
"It - it was a mistake!" DA answered. "I thought it would be best if you never even found out."
"So now I'm a mistake?" I asked angrily. I knew nothing would pan out between us, but I didn't like being likened to her anathema.
"You knew it just as well as I did." DA scowled.
"You bitch!" Keesha cried and ran outside. The door slammed behind her. I stared at the door and wished I'd never been born.
Phoebe stood up and muttered something before following Keesha. Honestly, I didn't care where Phoebe was going. I figured she hated me like everyone else.
"I hope you're proud of yourself." Wanda was in my face. I was seriously afraid she'd spit on me.
"It's not all his fault," DA started.
"So now you're protecting him?" Carlos demanded. "I'm leaving."
"Carlos, don't." She ran up the stairs after him. "You're the one who dumped me," I heard her say as she left.
I wondered how the other two guys would get disgusted enough to leave. I knew Arnold had liked DA, but not like Carlos had. Tim was too laid-back to seem to get involved in anything, and Wanda was too high-strung to not get involved.
"I'm sorry, I really am." I said sincerely. I was sorry. I'd just ruined the group that'd been together for seven years by kissing the wrong girl. It wasn't even that big of a deal. It was super awkward and short and the result of a stupid day-long infatuation with her. "I didn't even really like her like that."
"You didn't?" Tim asked. Oh shit, now Tim decides to be less laid back. "Then why—"
I interrupted, "Okay, I did, but it was only for a day. I got this feeling that she liked me and before I knew it, we'd kissed and I think we both wanted to throw up." I wanted to throw up again just thinking about it. It wasn't that DA was gross or anything, it was just so wrong.
"At least you felt like throwing up." Arnold tried.
"Yeah, but the fact that they didn't totally hit it off is only going to put a small dent in," Tim gestured around, trying to find the word, "this."
Wanda sighed. Arnold made a "now what?" face. Tim stared off into space. I felt cornered and betrayed – although I knew I had been the traitor. I watched the clock for all of thirty eternal seconds before I heard the door open softly. Keesha came back in and sat down on the floor. Her arms were folded firmly. She was pissed. Phoebe closed the door quietly and sat down next to Keesha.
"Keesha, I'm sorry." I said, trying to look her in the eye, which she was avoiding.
"Then why did you do it?" She asked, still not looking at me.
"I got this dumb idea - that I probably made up - that she liked me." There was nothing I could do and I knew it, but that wasn't stopping me from blabbering on. "I mean, right when it happened I wished it hadn't."
"He even felt like throwing up." Arnold added.
"Shut up," Tim hissed.
"Well that's just great." Keesha rolled her eyes at Arnold. "And that makes things better? I really thought you were better than that." She said to me. "I'm glad I found out now." And with that, she left.
No one would talk to anyone for the rest of winter break. I was afraid of going back to school, where I had classes with them.
I would get online to find most of my friends "offline," which meant they'd blocked me. I still knew their schedules. I broke our group; I needed to fix it. I sat down and started gushing out a stupid letter to Keesha. I wanted to write something that would make her change her mind, but there weren't words that could do that.
Dear Keesha,
I was stupid. I
I couldn't find the words.
I never should have kissed your best friend. Oh wow, I never knew I was such an asshole.
She was right, it was a mistake. I guess I didn't want to be called a mistake, but I forfeited that when I was one. I hope that made sense.
Anyway, I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I mean, it's been really lonesome without you
Have I been watching too many soap operas?
On the other hand, if you want to beat me up, please do. I deserve it.
At least maybe I'd see her again.
I promise not to press charges.
I shouldn't put that in there - it's too "we're still friends."
Anyway, I'm sorry.
Didn't I say that already?
And I want you to know that I've been sorry for almost a year now because I wish it hadn't been DA. I really
Okay, time to be vulnerable. I might as well put it all out there so I wouldn't have to be crushed twice. I was giving her a chance to do this in one fell swoop.
I really like you - and that's why I knew it was a mistake. I was just being stupid because you'd been hanging out with Arnold. It was never supposed to happen. Anyway, I understand if I just made you want to throw up because I'm such a jerk and now I'm being creepy too. I guess I've realized how much I actually care about you like that.
Get this over with, Tennelli. You still have to bring it to her house.
January 1, 2002
Dear Keesha,
I was stupid.
I never should have kissed your best friend. I realize now that that makes me sound like I'm a real asshole, and I'm sorry about that (being an asshole).
She was right, it was a mistake. I guess I didn't want to be called a mistake, but I forfeited that when I was one. I hope that made sense.
Anyway, I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I mean, it's been really lonesome without you On the other hand, if you want to beat me up, please do. I deserve it. I promise not to press charges.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
And I want you to know that I've been sorry for almost a year now because I wish it hadn't been DA. I really like you - and that's why I knew it was a mistake. I was just being stupid because you'd been hanging out with Arnold. It was never supposed to happen. Anyway, I understand if I just made you want to throw up because I'm such a jerk and now I'm being creepy too. I guess I've realized how much I actually care about you like that and I wish there was something I could do to make this up to you.
Your friend,
Love,
Sorry I was such a jerk.
Ralphie
p.s. thanks for reading this letter. I was afraid you'd throw it away.
I had hoped to hear back from her sooner, but nothing came that hour. I hated my impatience, which had led me to calling Carlos.
"Carlos, I'm sorry about the thing with DA." I said quickly. I was getting good at this apologizing thing.
"Man, you know I still like her." He sighed.
"Sorry. I just – I swear I won't do it again." I replied awkwardly. "I can guarantee you that."
"Yeah," Carlos still sounded angry, but I knew he wouldn't last too much longer.
"You should ask her out or something." I offered. "Maybe patch things up. It's a new year and all."
"Like that'll work," he scoffed. "I live in the real world, Ralphie."
"Oh." I didn't have anything else to say. "Well, if you want to go skiing later or something, just give me a call."
"Sure thing." Carlos hung up.
I apologized all afternoon, to DA ("I didn't want it to happen like this either, let's put it behind us,"), to Arnold ("Do you hate me or what? Please don't hate me,"), to Tim ("Seriously, man, I didn't think it would upset you – yeah, I know it's not about you, but – yeah, I'm sorry,"), to Wanda's voicemail ("Hi Wanda it's Ralphie please don't kill me because I'm really sorry about DA call me if you aren't pissed anymore okay bye"), and to Phoebe ("You weren't mad? Oh, don't be disappointed, that's worse… no, I'm working things out with everyone…"). I couldn't bring myself to call Keesha. What would I say?
"Hi, I was wondering if you've received, read, and thoughtfully considered the letter I dropped off for you an hour ago."
"Keesha, it's me. I'm not stalking you or anything, but – yeah, I know it seems like I am."
"Please don't hang up on me this time!"
"I wanted to be kissing you, not DA."
I couldn't believe I was capable of such mush. I turned on a football game to assure myself of my manliness, but I couldn't concentrate. I reached for the phone, and another group of stupid things to say…
"Remember that time you were in me?"
I could think of several other ones involving fumbling and tackling… and touchdowns… Oh my hell. Now I was pathetic and horny. At times like this, I just go to bed. I looked at the clock. It was 3:30 in the afternoon. Nap time.
I woke up to the phone ringing. I grabbed the receiver. "Hello?" I asked drowsily.
"Ralphie?"
"Yeah?" I perked up immediately. My heart raced.
"It's Wanda." Damn.
"Oh hi! Sorry, I was asleep." I started explaining.
"Hey, I got your message," leave it to Wanda to not apologize from waking me from a nap, "and I'm not mad. I mean, it seems like you apologized to everyone." Oh shit, that means she knows Keesha got the letter. Had Wanda read it? Had everyone read it? Was it in the newspaper? Shit…
"Yeah, it was pretty dumb." I said quietly. "I don't want it to mess up our group of friends, you know?"
"You're such a softie!" Wanda laughed. It reminded me of the several times I'd tried to chicken out of Ms. Frizzle's field trips only to have Wanda yank me back away from the bus (my usual hiding place).
"So you've checked with everyone?" I asked warily.
"Yeah, I had to make sure you weren't just avoiding an ass-whooping."
"Well I'm doing that too." I smiled weakly. "I mean, I know that Phoebe looks skinny, but I bet she could kick my ass if she was angry enough."
"I doubt it." Wanda said. "Anyway, we're all having pizza down at Godfather's in a few minutes. You should come."
"I should?" I asked. Wow, this was fast.
"Ralphie, I know you have no patience. You want things back to normal now."
"So?" I answered. "That doesn't mean it'll happen."
"Then MAKE it happen." Wanda insisted. "So I'll see you down here soon."
"Okay,"
"You are coming, right?" Wanda asked.
"Yes." I said. "I'm putting my shoes on now." Good thing I fell asleep in my clothes.
"Good. Get your ass down here." Wanda hung up. I smiled. Good old Wanda, always so bossy and bitchy and so lovable. I sniffed my shirt to make sure it didn't smell, then changed it for good measure. I looked at myself in the mirror. Same old pathetic looking Ralphie, I thought. I'd lost some weight, but was still built big. It didn't help that I was making a pathetic face. I took a deep breath, put my hat on, got my wallet and keys and a coat, and headed downstairs. Wait, since when do I care about what I look like?
"I'm going out for pizza with my friends, Mom," I called.
"When will you be back?" She asked. "Do you have your phone?"
"That's right…" I ran back upstairs and grabbed my cell phone – it was still sort of new, so I was getting used to it. I came back downstairs. "I'll be back by midnight or so. I'll call you if something happens."
"Good." My mom smiled at me. "Are you going to kiss your mother goodbye?"
"Mom," I groaned, kissed her on the cheek, and ran outside, nearly slipping and falling on my ass on the front walk. There was just enough ice on the ground to make my life miserable.
"Yeah, sorry I couldn't make it to Godfather's, I broke my ass." I imagined myself telling my friends.
Maybe if I was in the hospital Keesha would come visit me. I didn't let myself dream about that one too much. I hopped in my truck, put it in reverse, and carefully backed out of the driveway. It was a little cold outside, but I wasn't too concerned about that. My hands were cold. I was scared. This is just another time we're having pizza. Nothing is different. I've had pizza since I kissed DA with everyone, and it's fine. Everything will be back to normal, just like Wanda said.
I wish I believed it. I opened the door and considered bolting. This time I was more serious about it; I could feel my legs beginning to itch to run. I repeated that I'd look even stupider if I ran away. Grin and bear it, I said, clenching my teeth. I reached for the handle of the door, half-expecting someone to run through it and knock me to the ground. Instead, it opened like it had a thousand times before. I saw my friends at our usual spot in the corner. The entire room didn't turn to look at me.
"Ralphie!" Carlos cried, "Over here!"
"I see you, man," I sighed and went over there, afraid to look around. So Wanda and Carlos were speaking to me. That's good. I know I'd talked to pretty much everyone on the phone, but… it was different. In person is a whole different ballgame.
I got to thinking, if she cared so much about what I did, why didn't she just tell me? She's the assertive one, not me. She's the one who invited me into that air pressure capsule with her. She's the one with the guts. I kept walking on toward them. Just after I thought it, I realized that she'd pretty much told me already, especially after this whole ordeal. I sighed. There's no way out of it.
"Hey," I said as I reached the table. I was acknowledged as usual by everyone else, but I was focused on Keesha. She knew this, I knew this, everyone knew this. They left me a spot next to her. She didn't look at me, but she didn't look mad either. I couldn't say anything. We both talked and laughed with everyone else, through ordering, through drinks, through pizza. I never found the right moment or the right words. Things with DA were just fine, things with Keesha were okay – they seemed okay, anyway. After we'd finished most of the eating, I made myself do it.
"I – did you get my letter?" I asked abruptly. She looked over at me and smiled weakly. I remembered all that I'd ever put her through – we seemed to be always at odds. Maybe if she put up with all that, she'd give me a break. On the other hand, maybe it was the last straw.
"Yeah," she replied. "You know, I used to have this picture on my dresser of us – I took it down after New Years'." Okay, why is she telling me this? "I was going to throw it away and then my grandma brought me your letter."
"So you didn't throw it away?" I asked. I'm an expert at stupid questions.
"No. I didn't throw your letter away either." She smirked. "You were a total asshole to keep that from all of us, but that was your choice." I sighed. Things weren't looking good. "But admitting to it and admitting you regret it is a lot more than some people would do, and being sorry for it is more than most. She stopped.
"So… am I in deep shit or not?" I asked. Stupid question? Maybe, but I had to know.
"Only if you ever do that again," I swear I saw her face warm up. She grinned. "Oh, and you're welcome for reading the letter."
"I figured if you got that far you deserved thanks," I smiled. I wanted to kiss her, but didn't know if it would work, "so… you aren't angry?"
"I was," Keesha answered. Past tense is good. "I tried hating you, but I couldn't. The letter was really sweet. It made me smile – I could hear you saying it all, and I realized I can't hate you at all. I just wish you would've written it sooner."
"And under better circumstances." I added.
"Like that time you had to make something in home ec and you made me a Quiche Lorraine because it 'had my name on it'? Or when you were totally wrong about vampires and made me think my grandma was going to sleep in a box? Or…" She listed.
"Or any of those times, sure." I interrupted. "The quiche was funny though."
"It was burnt. It was rubbery. It was disgusting." She argued.
"But it was funny!" I insisted. "Carlos, was the Quiche Lorraine in seventh grade funny?"
"It's a groaner, Ralphie," Carlos laughed and reached over to high-five me. "I couldn't have thought of a better one myself."
"See?" I said to Keesha, who rolled her eyes. At least we were back to normal. "Do you want me to make you an 'I'm sorry' quiche?" I couldn't help laughing. "No, I'm sorry, Keesh, I just – it's too funny!"
"It is not!" She argued.
"Is so!" I replied. Ah, our intellectual debates…
"Is not!"
"Is –" I was interrupted. I could feel all eyes on me and Keesha, who apparently had planted a big "shut up" kiss on me. Things weren't back to normal after all. I was glad.
"Is not." She smiled after pulling away. "I win."
"Think what you want, it's hilarious." I argued. I felt something burn in my mouth.
"What's the matter, Ralphie?" Carlos asked mischievously. He was holding the pepper shaker.
"What the hell?" Keesha demanded. I grabbed a glass of water and started flushing my mouth out frantically.
"He salted your heads." Arnold explained. "You know, while you were… occupied."
"You mean there's more?" I asked, reaching up to brush my head. Large flecks of pepper fell on the table. "You suck, Carlos."
"Only when you suck face in public." He retorted.
"I'm going to put salt in your coke." I vowed.
"I'm never leaving my drink unattended." He answered. "Thanks for the warning. I was just trying to spice things up a bit."
"That was bad." I rolled my eyes. "But I will have my revenge. You never know when my counterattack will occur."
"Whatever." Carlos shrugged. "Try me."
"So, when's the wedding?" Phoebe asked mischievously.
"Hey, wait – " I started.
"Turnabout's fair play." She smiled.
"Fine, then buy me a milkshake." Keesha retorted. Phoebe being Phoebe, she actually got up and went to the counter.
"And get Ralphie some quiche – I don't think he's had enough!" Tim added, much to the delight of everyone else.
"I think he's got enough on his hands." Phoebe smiled at me. I blushed.
"Okay, I admit the quiche was disgusting." I said to Keesha. "Now will you admit that it's funny?"
"Maybe when we have something else to argue about." She smiled.
Soon after, we started arguing over who made the first move. At last, Quiche Lorraine was officially funny to the person it was always meant to amuse.