March 30, 1997

The good news was that I had survived the first three quarters of seventh grade. The bad news was that the worst was yet to come. I had just come from art to my last class: health. I sat next to Arnold and Carlos, as usual, and joined the normal conversation about gym and sports, only to be shushed by the usual DA.

"You guys, we should so have a pool party over spring break at my house." Wanda said.

"Yeah, that would be awesome!" Keesha added.

"My swimsuit makes me look fat." Carlos mocked girls in general.

"You make you look fat." DA countered.

"Ahem, that sounds like a great idea," Arnold offered. He's good at peacemaking missions like this. He's been friends with Wanda long enough to know how to mend arguments.

"Yeah, I'm in." I added. "I'll even bring a t-shirt to hide Carlos' fat." I gauged the mediocre reaction to my joke.

"Carlos isn't fat!" DA argued.

"She loves me." Carlos mouthed to us.

"You two are sick. Get a room!" Ralphie demanded.

"We can barbecue or something – my mom's good with the grill." Wanda continued, totally ignoring DA and Carlos' bantering.

"I can bring a salad." Phoebe offered.

"I'll bring chips." I added. Despite the fact that I knew Arnold was practically in love with Phoebe, I couldn't help but find her irresistibly cute in a girl-next-door kind of way. The thought of her in a swimsuit wasn't that bad either, especially since her more developed friends would also be in theirs. What am I thinking? They're my friends, not some sex objects!

The bell rang.

"I'm sure you've all been waiting for this." Ms. Johnson, the health teacher, said while pacing up and down the front of the room. As glad as I was to have class with all seven of my best friends for once (Keesha and Wanda had devised some sort of ingenious schedule-changing plan), things were about to be awkward for the rest of our lives. "And with spring in the air, there's no better time to talk about it. Now I need you all to take these forms home to your parents. If they don't sign off, you have to write a twenty-page paper, so I suggest you don't forge anything." She narrowed her eyes and handed out the forms explaining that we were about to watch movies that weren't rated G, which was normally a good thing, but this was health class.

We'd covered everything: nutrition, illness, eating disorders, exercise, fitness, drugs… there was only sex left, the one topic I didn't want to talk about with the people I'd been everywhere with.

"You know, I used to wish we could take field trips for history and stuff," Phoebe mused. "But I'm SO glad we aren't taking one now."

"Yeah, I'm really glad we're not exploring the menstrual cycle." Wanda added. I almost puked – and I could tell the other guys wanted to as well.

"Or STDs." DA added, matter-of-factly.

"Or…" Phoebe started, but couldn't finish it.

"Sex?" Keesha asked.

"I still think the period would be worst. I mean, whose uterus would we explore?" Wanda mused.

"We've already been inside a chicken." Arnold remarked.

"Yeah, well we were in the chicken's-" Carlos had the look on his face he got when he finally understood something, along with the look that he really didn't want to know.

"Hey, better some random chick's than mine." Keesha remarked snarkily.

"Can we not talk about that? It's gross." Ralphie said, just loudly enough for Ms. Johnson to overhear.

"It isn't gross! It's natural – and you're going to have to deal with it sooner or later, Ralph!" All eyes were on him. "Besides, most of you should have learned this before, if you ask me. Some of you are obviously in the middle of puberty; it's only fair that you learn about it." Ralphie blushed and I could almost hear him wishing he'd just vanish. Fortunately, Ms. Johnson moved on. "First we're going to talk about the less controversial aspects of puberty." The longest hour of my life followed those words. We proceeded to learn about hormones, pimples, and disgusting body hair. She promised more exciting things next time, after the forms were returned.

"That wasn't so bad," DA said after class. "I thought it was supposed to be the most awkward part of my life, but it wasn't."

"She hasn't even warmed up yet, DA," Carlos said fearfully, his voice fluctuating a little more than normal. "From what I've heard, she's crazy. She starts shouting the names of body parts…"

"So?" Keesha raised an eyebrow. "What's the big deal about that?"

"It's embarrassing," Wanda, of all people, said. She and Phoebe seemed to be the token girls to be humiliated in the group. Keesha and DA were trying out their maturity.

"Stop being so immature about it," DA sighed.

"I don't wanna." Wanda argued. "Don't we have band practice, Phoebe?"

Phoebe said something under her breath. "Yeah, let's go," Keesha added. "See you guys later!"

The three girls headed down the hall to band, leaving DA with us. "What are you staring at?" She asked.

"Nothing." We replied. I was definitely not noticing that Keesha was developing quite a figure, especially when she walked next to lanky Phoebe. Wanda didn't seem so tomboyish anymore either.

"Look, it's okay for you guys to have… feelings." She lectured.

"Don't start lecturing us!" Arnold demanded. "We'll do what we want!"

"I know it's hard to deal with, and I know that boys mature at a later age than girls, but I thought you guys were smart and mature enough to handle this!" She shook her head.

"Geez, what are you, on your period?" Carlos whined. DA promptly smacked him across the face.

"Grow up!" She insisted again. Little did she know that juvenile joking around was the next stage of maturity for boys.

"Did you do anything fun at school today, Tim?" My mom asked. I grumbled something about her having to sign a form for health as I dropped my backpack on the table.

"I'll be in my room." I said. I didn't know what I was going to do there, but I didn't want to be around any girls now, not even my mom. Especially not my mom. I'd had some basic "birds and the bees" talks before, and I knew the gist of it – most of it was "things I don't want to know about my parents." I had finally won the battle to get a computer in my room, and I logged on. Before I knew it, I was assaulted by pop-up IM windows.

SMRTblonde: hey Tim
Timinator2000: hi DA
SMRTblonde: I hope you're mature enough to realize we're still having this pool party.
Timinator2000: We are?
SMRTblonde: Stop listening to Carlos and Ralphie! Grow up!
Timinator2000: it's just AWKWARD, okay?

(Keesha changed DA's AIM nickname before it was registered so it'd say "smrt" – genius)

Soccergenius83: are they trying to torture us?
Timinator2000: who, DA?
Soccergenius83: I think it's some kind of evil experiment
Timinator2000: I don't want to know
Soccergenius83: male reactions to scantily-clad spandexed females.
Timinator2000: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
Soccergenius83: dude, you do too. You do have a dick, right?
Timinator2000: what you wanna see?
Soccergenius83: NO
Timinator2000: it would be an experiment

SuperWanda: so guess what?
Timinator2000: what?
Phoebetortellini: hi guys, it's Phoebe. I have no idea what's going on.
KeeshatheGreat: Tortellini? I thought that said Tennelli
SuperWanda: I got Pheebs online!
Timinator2000: sweet
Soccergenius83: way to go pheebs!
Phoebetortellini: thanks… Carlos?
Soccergenius83: see, Phoebe knows I'm a genius.
SMRTblonde: you're the only soccer player, dork.
wikkedkool: soccer is for losers
soccergenius83: I have bigger balls than you
superwanda: TMI! TMI!
Phoebetortellini: I'm lost…
SMRTblonde: scroll up
SuperWanda: yay me! I got Phoebe online!
Timinator2000: yay Wanda!
Soccergenius2003: yeah Wanda!
Phoebetortellini: ew Carlos, I don't want to know.
Wikkedkool: um, is it just me, or does Phoebe's name look like mine?
SMRTblonde: yeah, it does.
KeeshatheGreat: I JUST SAID THAT!
Soccergenius83: poor Keesha never gets credit for what she does…
KeeshatheGreat: damn right I don't
SuperWanda: it looks like you two are married!
Phoebetortellini: can you see what I'm typing?
SMRTblonde: yes
Soccergenius83: yeah
Timinator2000: yeah
KeeshatheGreat: yes… can you?
SuperWanda: is your font set to white?
SMRTblonde: lol
wikkedkool: is your monitor on?
Soccergenius83: duh, she couldn't see this if her monitor's off.
Timinator2000: that's like asking "is the power out?"
SuperWanda: ROFL
Phoebetortellini: HELLO?!
SMRTblonde: oh no, I told her to scroll up!
Phoebetortellini: CAN ANYONE READ THIS?
SMRTblonde: brb!
SMRTblonde has left the conversation
Wikkedkool: LMAO! Pheebs is so …
SuperWanda: hang on a sec, don't finish that…
arnrocks has joined the conversation
arnrocks: hi everyone
Timinator2000: lol, you were saying, ralphie?
wikkedkool: saying what?
arnrocks: I'm lost.
Phoebetortellini has left the conversation
arnrocks: is that really Phoebe?
SuperWanda: wouldn't YOU like to know
KeeshatheGreat: oooh!
Timinator2000: of course he would
Soccergenius83: he wants her!
arnrocks: what if I do?
arnrocks: … what if I do want to know
wikkedkool: LMAO
Timinator2000: ROFL
SuperWanda: high-fives for Carlos!
arnrocks: I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!
atmyoldschool has joined the conversation
atmyoldschool: hi
SuperWanda: PHEEBS!
KeeshatheGreat: you used the name I wanted you to! Yay!
atmyoldschool: how did you know it was me?
wikkedkool: well…
soccergenius83: according to my research, you say that ALL THE TIME. Is it just me, or does Phoebe say that all the time?
atmyoldschool: I WAS JOKING
KeeshatheGreat: (everyone now) CARLOS!
wikkedkool: CARLOS!
Atmyoldschool: CARLOS!
Arnrocks: CARLOS!
Timinator2000: CARLOS!
SuperWanda: CARLOS!
SMRTblonde has joined the conversation
KeeshatheGreat: DA, say "CARLOS!"
SMRTblonde: CARLOS! (why did I do that?)
Soccergenius83: ME!
SMRTblonde: oh, he made a joke.
SuperWanda: what tipped you off?
KeeshatheGreat: I did – PM with super-fast typing skills!
atmyoldschool: pm? Post-mortem?
Arnrocks: LOL
wikkedkool: will someone please introduce Phoebe to the internet?
KeeshatheGreat: ARNOLD! Arnold will!
Soccergenius83: yes, Arnold will
Timinator2000: yes.
Arnrocks: fine.
atmyoldschool: gotta go – dinner's ready bye!
atmyoldschool has left the conversation
Timinator2000: … it's 4:30.
Arnrocks: see what you all did?
wikkedkool: made her eat early?
KeeshatheGreat: LOL
SMRTblonde: you guys, I hope health class doesn't make our group all awkward. I like being like this.
Soccergenius83: thanks for making this conversation awkward, DA
SMRTblonde: I did not!
Soccergenius83: did too!
SuperWanda: I'm with Carlos
Timinator2000: me too
wikkedkool: me three
soccergenius83: me four
SMRTblonde: you can't "me four," Carlos
Arnrocks: me five… or four
KeeshatheGreat: me five/six
KeeshatheGreat: phoebe seven
Soccergenius83: I WIN!
SMRTblonde: seriously, guys, I just want us to stay friends while things change, that's all.
SuperWanda: and we like to pretend things won't.
Timinator2000: boys are supposed to be all juvenile about this stuff. It's actually mature for us.
SMRTblonde: give me a break
wikkedkool: did you miss that in your research?
KeeshatheGreat: let's not talk about DA's research into puberty and reproduction
Soccergenius83: I don't know, that sounds kinda hot
SMRTblonde has left the conversation
Arnrocks: NOT MY FAULT

My mom called me down to dinner. She and Dad have always been supportive of me, which I realize most parents wouldn't do when their son could be interested in science or business or something that wasn't art. My parents were artsy too, though, so I guess it's to be expected.

"I see you brought home something for us to sign." My dad said as I sat down.

"Can we please not talk about that at dinner?" I looked at my plate and pushed the mashed potatoes around with my fork.

"If not now, when?" Mom asked.

"I don't know. Later."

"Sorry, that won't fly." Dad answered. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about. It happens to everyone. It happened to –"

"I don't want to hear about it!" I cried, slamming my fork down and standing up. "I don't want to know about you growing body hair. I don't want to hear about where babies come from!"

"Tim." My mother said firmly. "Sit down and calm down. Your hormones are getting out of whack."

"I don't want to talk about my hormones!" I didn't sit.

"TIM." My mother repeated. "Don't make this harder than it has to be."

I sighed. She had a good point, so I sat down and made sure I looked like I felt as miserable as I felt.

"So are you going to sign the paper?" I asked an hour later.

"Sure." My dad said as he took his plate to the kitchen. My food was cold and slightly more appetizing than I thought it would be after the conversation I just had. I wolfed it down quickly, in case nausea swept over me.

"Can I go to my room?" I offered.

"Clear the table first." My mom said. "Did you do your homework?"

"It's done." I said.

I thought about talking to my friends again as I put the steak into a plastic container. I hated that conversation I just had, but still, it wasn't as bad as I thought. Now if only I didn't have to hear it for the next two weeks straight, life would be good. At least until the pool party. Maybe Carlos is right; maybe it is just a cruel experiment.

I went up to my room after I was finished. I looked in the mirror at my face – which wasn't sprouting manly facial hair, but zits instead. I wondered what I'd look like with a goatee, but knew I wouldn't find out for several years. At least all the icky stuff would be out of the way by then. Sure, it was normal, but it wasn't for me. I was used to being a kid. I could go on doing it for the rest of my life if I had my way. Things were fine. I couldn't help but thinking how Carlos felt. I mean, he and DA were sort of going out for a year now, but that was more as kids, at least on his part. I wondered how many of the girls had their periods already. I wondered why I wanted to know. I sat at my computer. DA was online.

Timinator2000: sorry I was so immature before, it's just weird.SMRTblonde: it's okay – I know it's weird. It is for me too, honestly.
Timinator2000: I bet. I know I don't want to hear about girls bleeding monthly; I'm sure you feel the same about … guys.
SMRTblonde: the idea of my four guy friends thinking about sex constantly is disturbing, yes.
Timinator2000: it's not all the time
SMRTblonde: if you're thinking about it now, I'll kill you
Timinator2000: don't you ever think about it?
SMRTblonde: not really
Timinator2000: oh
SMRTblonde: sometimes, but I … don't really know what I'm thinking about
Timinator2000: so you haven't seen porn or anything?
SMRTblonde: you have?
Timinator2000: I can't believe I'm having this conversation.
SMRTblonde: me either.
SMRTblonde: but thanks for being so mature, Tim. You're a good guy. You'd make a great boyfriend.
Timinator2000: um, thanks?
SMRTblonde: I didn't mean anything by that, honest.
Timinator2000: lol it's okay, I know what you meant.
SMRTblonde: I don't like you like that.
Timinator2000: the feeling is mutual – you're awesome, but not like that.
SMRTblonde: good. I'm glad you're mature enough to talk about this. I'm about to give up on Carlos.
Timinator2000: he's dealing with it in his way
SMRTblonde: but his way is STUPID.
Timinator2000: are you sure things are so different between you two?
SMRTblonde: lol, it doesn't seem like it, but I don't think he's ready for a relationship
SMRTblonde: I don't know if I am, I'm 13!
Timinator2000: good point. Maybe when you guys are like 15
SMRTblonde: seriously, Tim
Timinator2000: what?
SMRTblonde: nothing.

"Are you ready?" I asked Ralphie nervously. He looked around, slightly panicky.

"We still have two minutes." Arnold said weakly.

"Class never killed anyone." Carlos rolled his eyes.

"At least it's a short period, right?" Arnold signed.

"Yeah, but did you forget why?" Ralphie exclaimed. "The… dance. Thing."

"I'd rather be dancing than learning about girl-parts." Carlos opened the door to the classroom, nearly knocking Arnold out with it.

"Watch it!" Arnold jumped.

"Just think, it'll be over soon." I thought aloud.

"Not soon enough." Ralphie muttered. We were standing just inside the entrance of the classroom, faced with a horrible dilemma: should we sit by the girls? Our four spots were there, and I'm sure we all had the same look of bewilderment on our faces.

Carlos didn't ask what the big deal was. Arnold didn't turn red. It was like we were turned to stone. Wanda was shier than I'd ever seen her. She was pretending to study. DA actually was studying, because that's how she is. She looked up at us and waved.

"Aren't you coming to sit down?" She asked. It seemed like she was looking at me.

"Well, since you asked so nicely," Carlos said suavely. The rest of us filed behind him. I sat in the desk behind Wanda.

"Hey." I said softly.

"Hi." Wanda didn't look up at me.

"At least it's a short period, right?" Now she was looking at me.

"Yeah, I guess." She murmured.

"Come on, Wanda, aren't you ready to get down on the dance floor?" Keesha, who was sitting across the aisle from her, tried lightening the mood.

"Can we not talk about that?" Phoebe, who was in front of Keesha, turned her head quickly, then blushed and turned away. She was previously unaware of the dramatic increase in testosterone levels behind her.

"Phoebe, sex is totally normal." DA lectured. Phoebe slumped further in her seat.

"I was talking about the dance." She corrected fiercely.

"Oh." DA was speechless, for once.

"Dude, Pheebs just shut you up!" Carlos laughed.

"Way to have your mind in the gutter, DA." Keesha teased.

DA folded her arms and scowled.

"All right, class," Ms. Johnson began. "Hand in your permission forms." We all reached into our backpacks and rummaged in unison. It was cruel for her to delay the inevitable. "Hurry, we haven't got all day. Now, as you may know, we have two weeks to cover the topic of puberty and human sexuality. Also, I can't tell you anything you actually need to know, like different forms of contraception, but you aren't getting off easy with me telling you not to have sex. Kids are having sex younger these days, and you don't want to end up pregnant. We'll spend the rest of the week studying the various types of sexually transmitted diseases, ostensibly to make you all asexual. So let's get down to it, as it were."

Ralphie looked at the clock. DA got her notebook ready. I had mine ready, but I didn't know how I felt about doodling in health. I mean, what if I doodled a naked chick or whatever? I looked around at my friends. Phoebe was fiddling with something on her wrist, her eyes closed.

"All right, now we get to the fun part!" Ms. Johnson announced. "Your maturity will be greatly appreciated here."

"Please God, burn the school down." Carlos whispered behind me. DA shushed him firmly. The lights went off and we were staring at a very embarrassing diagram of the male reproductive system on the board.

"Don't be shy, look at the diagram." Ms. Johnson encouraged the girls. I took a deep breath and prepared for the worst. And the worst did indeed come. All the embarrassing things that had happened, but had previously been secret, were now revealed to all girl-kind. We all felt like we'd been caught red-handed or something. Then she moved on to girl parts, and we got the short – but equally disgusting – version of the period. At last, the lights came back on. "So with these changes, you undoubtedly have to make changes in hygiene." Great, I have a visual mind. The last thing I need to think about are naked women. She quickly breezed over deodorant and "feminine hygiene products" before she launched into what Ralphie would probably call "the boobie talk." This talk, thankfully and horrifically, had diagrams as well. Breasts were easier to look at than uteruses. At the same time we were afraid to look. I mean, I didn't like looking at the diagrams of shirtless girls and thinking that my friends had those too. I didn't want to piece together the images. The bell rang again. "And on that note, it's time to go to the dance."

I'd heard jokes about middle school dances looking more like games of Red Rover with boys on one side and girls on the other, and now I knew why. They were trying to keep us apart. We walked in a comfortable awkward silence toward the gym. Then Keesha spoke.

"Does that stuff actually happen – I mean has it happened to you guys yet?" She asked. Arnold turned redder than his hair. Phoebe smacked Keesha in the arm. "I want to know."

"Do you actually bleed for a week?" Carlos retorted.

"I have reached menarche, thank you." Keesha said matter-of-factly.

"I so don't want to be alive right now." Wanda muttered.

"You didn't answer my question." Keesha prodded. She looked at each guy and concluded that I was the most likely to answer.

"YES AND IT'S EMBARRASSING SO I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT." I blurted out louder than I intended.

"Can things be normal again?" Arnold offered. "Can we just not be awkward?"

"Arn, we're 13. We're supposed to be awkward." DA replied.

"We'll make it." I smiled weakly. "Think of it this way, it's over now."

"Now we have to dance." Wanda said quietly. We entered the gym, which was dark except for skating-rink style disco lights and blaring music. Sure enough, guys were on one side and girls were on the other. Faster music was playing.

"We're okay 'til the first slow one." Arnold hardly finished saying it when the music changed to a slower beat.

"DA?" Carlos asked innocently. She smiled and they started dancing. The rest of us stood around looking confused.

"Come on guys, dance!" DA called. We all looked at each other. No one wanted to ask anyone.

"What the hell." Ralphie sighed. "Wanda?"

"Pheebs?" I asked. I didn't even know what I was doing. Arnold looked at me, sort of mad, sort of relieved, and walked over to Keesha. Phoebe smiled at me awkwardly and put her hands on my shoulders. I looked away sheepishly as I put my hands on her waist. I was a few inches than she was. "How are you doing?" I sounded so stupid.

"I'm okay. How are you?" She asked, equally awkwardly.

"I'm better than I thought I would be, I guess." I looked at her face, which looked a lot cuter in the low light. "I think things will be okay, you know?"

"I hope so." She answered.

"It's a good thing there's an even number of us, right?" I tried lightening the mood, but Phoebe wouldn't lighten up.

"I guess."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just – want to go home." She closed her eyes. "Sorry I'm being a bad dance partner."

"You're just fine." I winced, hoping she wouldn't take it the wrong way. "I mean – you know what I mean, right?" I was ending lots of sentences with "right."

"Yeah." It felt like I was trying to get a plant to talk.

"Remember that time you were a plant?" I asked, smiling.

"What? Yes, but why are you thinking about that?" She smiled a little.

"I guess it just came to mind." I sighed.

"Funny you remembered that." She mused. "You're weird – in a good way." She smiled wider.

"You first." I retorted as the final chords rang out. "Thanks for dancing with me."

"Thanks for asking." She smiled.

There were only two more slow songs played at the dance – and I got to dance with Keesha and Wanda. Carlos wouldn't share DA. By the time we were on the bus to go home, things felt oddly – normal.