February 2000

I will never forget the first time I walked into a gym full of sweaty high schoolers dressed like we were off the set of Back to the Future. For decorum purposes, I had taken Keesha's arm. She was my date. Me? On a date with Keesha? Yeah, I never saw it coming, but … we decided to try out a different combination of couples than we seemed to.

It was just a regular old afternoon in December. I sat down at the computer in my room (hooray for my birthday and summer job!), as usual. When I wasn't with my friends, I was either on the phone or on AIM. I had a request to add a buddy. I hit "accept" and started typing:

soccerstudramon: you're a dirty sleaze
wandatromboner:P takes one to know one, don juan
soccerstudramon: at least it's socially acceptable for men to be dirty sleazes
wandatromboner: if they want aids
soccerstudramon: lol
wandatromboner: do you want aids, carlos?
soccerstudramon: I'll pass, thanks for offering

I had an idea. I opened a new window and furiously invited everyone I could.
Timinator2000 has joined the conversation.
smartblondie910 has joined the conversation.
atmyoldschool has joined the conversation.
msfranklin has joined the conversation.
soccerstudramon: I have an announcement to make, everyone!
wandatromboner has joined the conversation.
arnrocks has joined the conversation.
Timinator2000: it's a party!
soccerstudramon: are we all here yet?
wikkedkool has joined the conversation.
soccerstudramon: oh right, I forget that Ralphie's the slow one.
wikkedkool: I am not
msfranklin: so what is it you wanted to tell us, Carlos?
wandatromboner: what the hell is going on?
msfranklin: shh, not around the innocent people!
wandatromboner: it's okay, I knew I was gonna swear so I blocked Pheebs
atmyoldschool: I KNOW WHAT CUSSING IS
smartblondie910: no worries, I put language filters on her computer
atmyoldschool: I'm not a #$! kid!
soccerstudramon: ahem
arnrocks: stop picking on Phoebe.
Timinator2000: I'd like to point out that I didn't do it
wandatromboner: only when hell freezes over
smartblondie910: and when Carlos realizes his jokes suck
wikkedkool: oh ouch
arnrocks: ha!
msfranklin: that would be about a quarter to never…
soccerstudramon: SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!
atmyoldschool: Carlos, our hearing isn't that good – you live too far away for any of us to hear
Timinator2000: Phoebe wins!
wandatromboner: see, we have to pick on you, Pheebs, it gives you ideas to pick on Carlos
smartblondie910: MWA HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA
arnrocks: I wonder who thought up that plan
msfranklin: your mom!
wikkedkool: dude, your mom is an EVIL GENIUS!
soccerstudramon: jeez, what if I was dying or something? Do you guys ever shut up?
wikkedkool: if you were dying, you'd call 911
msfranklin: and if you didn't, you are too dumb to live
wandatromboner: a-men.
soccerstudramon: okay, I only have a second here, but I have a very important announcement to make.
wikkedkool: I knew it! He's pregnant!
Timinator2000: how did you know, is he your lover?
smartblondie910: SH!
soccerstudramon: I'm not pregnant, but what I am about to tell you is just as life-altering. You may or may not be aware of some scientific testing going on in the lake outside town. Basically there are these amoebas, and they're mutating and evolving legs.
Timinator2000: o…k…
soccerstudramon: well, to make a long story short…
arnrocks: …
wikkedkool: what!?
smartblondie910: …?
soccerstudramon: WANDA HAS AIDS! SHE OFFERED TO GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!!
soccerstudramon: … aren't you shocked?
smartblondie910: no, I was just waiting for you to say "BAND-aids!" so I could groan.
soccerstudramon: that doesn't make any sense
msfranklin: welcome to our world of your jokes, Carlos.
soccerstudramon: you love them. You love ME!
wandatromboner: I'm in band. I'd give you AIDS of the band variety.
atmyoldschool: you know, that brand of adhesive bandages?
wikkedkool: why are we explaining this joke?
msfranklin: beats me
smartblondie910: sweet sweet revenge!
arnrocks: someone's vindictive…
wandatromboner: big words! My anathema!

Another window popped up.

Timinator2000 invites you to join a conversation, with this message: about the dance

I sighed. It was inevitable.

soccerstudramon: okay, seriously…
wikkedkool: what the hell is an "anathema"?
Timinator2000: this is the perfect dance – it's not all formal like prom
wikkedkool: I can wear my letterman jacket!
arnrocks: what am I supposed to do? Dress up like the Fonz?
Timinator2000: Henry Winkler WAS Jewish
soccerstudramon: okay, dork, not all of us watch Nick at Nite. So… we should coordinate our efforts here. Who's asking who?
Timinator2000: whom
wikkedkool: did Wanda make up that word?
arnrocks: shut up, Ralphie, we're planning
Timinator2000: it's "who's asking whom"?
soccerstudramon: whatever
arnrocks: you should go with DA, grammar police
Timinator2000: shouldn't Carlos go with DA?
wikkedkool: I don't know, do YOU want to watch them alternately fight and make out while you're sitting there with Phoebe in awkward silence?
arnrocks: what's wrong with Phoebe?
wikkedkool: nothing! She just seems like she'd be most likely to create a very awkward silence.
arnrocks: I'll give you that, but only because her competition is Keesha and WANDA.
soccerstudramon: hey, we won't make out
wikkedkool: speaking of Wanda (LOOK ARNOLD I'M NOT CHANGING THE SUBJECT) she so made up that ant-theme word, right?
arnrocks: it would be kind of awkward. (I'M IGNORING YOU RALPHIE)
soccerstudramon: then don't ask Phoebe. In fact, I'm assigning Ralphie to Phoebe
wikkedkool: why?
arnrocks: because it's IRRITATING
Timinator2000: why?
wikkedkool: Phoebe?
arnrocks: why?
wikkedkool: she's not irritating. She's NICE.
arnrocks: no, YOU'RE irritating
timinator2000: why did you assign Phoebe to Ralphie?
wikkedkool: is that what we're talking about?
arnrocks: sometimes I think talking to you makes me dumber, Ralphie
wikkedkool: sometimes I think talking to you makes me UGLIER
Timinator2000: STOP IT!
soccerstudramon: 1. I can't take her, she's taller than me, 2. Arnold has had a thing for her since the beginning of time, 3. Tim has had a thing for her ever since Arnold wasn't looking, therefore, by process of elimination, she goes with Ralphie.
soccerstudramon: and Phoebe isn't annoying, your obsession with random words is
Timinator2000: it's called a dictionary
wikkedkool: cool.
arnrocks: no fair!
wikkedkool: (dictionaries are for losers)
soccerstudramon: so then ask her out
Timinator2000: I have not had a thing for her!
soccerstudramon: R I G H T
Timinator2000: anathema n. Definition: something hated
Timinator2000: she didn't make it up.
arnrocks: that doesn't make much sense.
soccerstudramon: this is Wanda we're talking about
wikkedkool: ANY WAY, so I'll take Pheebs, Tim and DA will have a perfect grammar date (complete with loser dictionary), and I think Arnold should learn something about avoiding awkward silences, so I assign him Wanda.
soccerstudramon: seconded!
arnrocks: that's cool
Timinator2000: that leaves you and Keesha.
soccerstudramon: and we will be the hottest couple there wikkedkool: no making out!
arnrocks: yeah, that would be…
Timinator2000: awkward.
wikkedkool: dude, you're finishing each other's sentences
soccerstudramon: it's like you're married!
Timinator2000: okay, I'm leaving before any of you starts hitting on me
Timinator2000 has left the conversation.

A week later, we were at my house, planning the logistics of things.

"Oh come on, I won't make out with DA the whole time." I pleaded. "My first dance should be with my girlfriend – what an idea!"

"Well, that's not fair to Tim." Ralphie argued. "His first dance should be with your girlfriend too. How will you manage that?"

"Shut up, Ralphie." Tim elbowed him.

"It'll make things easier if we do the first one as friends." Arnold reasoned. "There are always more."

"Makes sense to me." Tim shrugged.

"It's easy for you," I scowled at him. "You've never really liked any of them!"

"That's crap." Ralphie piped in. "Remember? He's had a thing for Phoebe ever since – ever since any time Arnold wasn't looking."

"OH YEAH!" I was enlightened.

"What?" Arnold asked. "Didn't you say that already?"

"Yeah, he did, and it's not true." Tim argued.

Anyway, I was standing there in a sweaty gym with Keesha, who was wearing a purple poodle skirt. We all looked ridiculous and awesome at the same time – ridiculously awesome. I looked like the Fonz, so I was obviously the best-looking. The girls did the poodle skirt thing, which made Wanda look weird (weirder than normal weird). I had begged Arnold to do the Fonz look too, just because it would've been funny, but he didn't, even when the rest of the guys tried convincing him with everything from leather jackets' inherent sexiness to the original actor's being Jewish. We seriously looked like we walked off the set of Happy Days. DA looked awesome, but I couldn't go and dance with her the whole time. As much as I wanted to, I didn't want to ditch Keesha. I felt bad that I hadn't jumped at the chance to ask her. She was one of those girls that all four of us would have loved to have as a girlfriend. Hell, she was the kind of girl every guy wanted as a girlfriend. Fortunately, I had an awesome girlfriend who let me take her awesome friend to a dance.

"Let's find a spot and get our freak on!" Wanda proclaimed.

"Um, Wanda, you're dressed like Joanie Cunningham and you're talking about 'your freak'? It's very confusing." Tim asked quizzically. Arnold, who was Wanda's hitching post, looked uncomfortable.

"I don't know. Let's see Arnold freak." I smirked.

A long moment of awkwardness followed.

"Let's not." Arnold finally said. Some upbeat fifties song was playing, prompting Wanda to pull Arnold further into the gym, egging him on.

"Just hold on!" DA advised. "You'll be fine!"

"The Wanda train to Funkytown has just left the station." Keesha said somberly, which cracked us all up. "Hey, you wouldn't be laughing if you were Arnold!"

"Yes I would." Ralphie and I both said.

"So… are we dancing yet?" Tim asked. DA, his date, smiled and nodded eagerly. I shrugged. The song changed and Phoebe and Ralphie exploded into a dorky fit.

"What the hell?" I asked.

"We play this song in pep band." Keesha explained. "Apparently they know it. And like it."

"Well, you wanna give it a shot?" I asked. Keesha shrugged and took my hands. We started to do that swing dance thing that was so big, and so easy. I wasn't accomplished at ballroom arts, although it would definitely add to my sexiness. I made a note to learn to dance. It was totally worth getting the vertical mamba down first before I ventured any further in the ballroom arts. I couldn't help but watch DA and Tim transition seamlessly from fast song to slow song.

"I know you miss DA," Keesha remarked after a song or three.

"Oh, sorry. I'm being a bad date, aren't I?"

"A little, but it's fine." She smiled. "I mean, I've heard of people ditching dates to have sex in the bathroom. That would be worse."

"Damn, my plan." I tried. Keesha stepped on my foot – hard. "Ow, that hurt worse than heels." She gave me a look. "Don't ask me how I know that."

"My slapping arm is occupied." She said snidely and batted her eyelashes as a backhanded olive branch.

"Heh, you're really sharp." I grinned. "So how on earth did you end up going to this dance with me instead of some other guy?"

"They didn't ask me." She looked up and away. I followed her gaze to some uninteresting balloons.

"They're missing out." I offered.

"Well thanks for the flattery." She looked slightly troubled.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "Is it the oldies? They're kind of getting to me."

"Yeah," Keesha was lying and I'd opened myself up to it. Why was I being dumb? This wasn't the Carlos everyone knew and loved.

"Sorry, I won't pry." I sighed.

"No, it's okay." She looked back at me – down to me. Since when was Keesha taller than I was? I should've asked Wanda. "I've only known you FOREVER."

"Almost…" I said, more for the sake of saying something. I thought Keesha wasn't a likely candidate for awkwardness.

"You really don't want to be with me, do you?" She said flatly. "And that's fine. Go with DA."

"I do want to dance with you – besides, what about Tim?" I was in a tough spot.

She smiled. "Liars go to hell, Carlos."

"I'm already going for other things." I shrugged. "All the interesting people are down there."

"Whatever." She muttered. "You can just go dance with DA, okay?" She let go of me and went to sit down. I chased her.

"What's going on?" I asked, grabbing her arm.

"I don't want to be on a date when my date doesn't want to be with me. It's that simple." She replied.

"Keesha, listen to me, seriously." I grabbed her other arm and looked her straight in the eye. She wasn't that much taller than me, thankfully. "You're probably the awesomest girl I know. You're smart, witty, not an eyesore, and you know what you want. You're willing to go for what you want, and yet you aren't bitchy about it. Any sane guy would kill to be in my shoes. Why don't you believe it?" I said firmly.

"You don't mean it." She closed her eyes. Why did I sound like I was in a soap opera? Any time I tried to get serious, this crap would happen. Soon she and DA would be slapping each other, pulling hair out and screaming "SLUT!" at the top of their lungs. It wouldn't be hot. Well, not entirely.

"I do too mean it!" I argued. The feeling of the humid gym, blasting music shaking my bones, but it was Diana Ross crooning something familiar, the swirling lights and colors of balloons and streamers and cheesy decorations surrounding me, plus the punch that tasted funny – everything was affecting me. I felt awful for Keesha, but it terrified me that I thought so highly of her. Was I supposed to? I thought I was supposed to only feel anything ever for DA. I let go of Keesha's arms and hugged her. It felt strangely good. I leaned in a little bit, then nearly fell over. Keesha pulled away, startled.

In the split second after I was shot down, but before Keesha could say anything, I realized that I recognized the song.

"Carlos, don't make this any more complicated than it needs to be." She said firmly. "It's just dance madness. I had it with Arnold at Sadie's. It doesn't mean anything, trust me." She turned away, then stopped and turned back. "thanks, though, I guess. I hope you don't just feel bad for me."

"No," I said quietly, hoping she was right and doubting it simultaneously. "Um, what are the odds?" I pointed at the ceiling.

"What the hell -?" she asked. "Oh my hell, this is so funny!"

"Why? What song is this?" I was confused. I hated being the only one who didn't know the song.

My life shifted from soap opera to musical as all the girls in the gym danced and sang along, "STOP! In the name of love before you break my heart!" It was awkward, so I tried to see if Ralphie was doing the dance. I reached in my pocket for my camera. This was so going down in history.

"What are you doing?" She asked, smiling.

"Trying to catch Ralphie dancing like a pansy." I replied. Normalcy – what a relief.

"Who's a pansy?" Ralphie asked innocently. I jumped and whirled around. Phoebe seemed to like the song as well. I could at least get a picture of her making an ass out of herself. She gave me the look. The most terrifying experience I've ever had was the four girls all giving me the exact same "NO" look. I pocketed my camera, sadly.

"No," Keesha quipped. "Carlos was commenting on the color of my dress – it's the color of a pansy."

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes. "What are you guys doing over here?"

"Nothing, just – talking." I managed. DA and Tim were still dancing. "Would you like to dance, Pheebs?" I asked. As normal as things had started to get, I wanted out.

"Uh, sure?" She looked confused and blushed a little. This was normal Phoebe behavior. I had to test Keesha's theory on someone totally platonic. Who better than Phoebe?

"So, are you having fun?" I asked quickly. I looked right in her eyes. They were green, right? I couldn't tell in the crummy light.

"I'm having a great time," she was still confused.

"Look, I'd explain what happened, but – it's complicated." I confessed. Okay, I wasn't feeling all crazy about her yet. So far, so good.

"It's okay." She smiled. "Keesha can be weird that way."

"Yeah," I said. Well that was a crappy way to end the conversation. "I guess I'm too busy with DA to hang out with the rest of you guys. That's why I wanted us to switch around."

Her left eyebrow shot up. "Ralphie said it was his idea."

"He would." I muttered. I looked over Phoebe's shoulder (okay, off to the side a little ways) and glared at Ralphie, who managed to steer Keesha over to us and kick me in the butt.

"Gee, you guys have grown up so much!" Keesha was very good at swooning. Phoebe giggled.

"I'm going to get some punch." I said abruptly as the song ended. I grabbed Ralphie's arm wordlessly. "I saw you move in on MY date, Tennelli."

"Yeah, well, I saw you move in on her too." He replied.

"I mean this in the best way possible – it was a momentary lapse." I explained. "The whole dance thing… hey, have you felt anything different toward Phoebe?"

"Um, not really." He was filling his cup with punch and I couldn't look him in the eyes.

"You two looked like you were having a grand old time…" I pressed.

"Yeah." He shrugged.

"And you guys would be way cute." I added.

"Are you saying I'm cute?" He asked. "Seriously, I don't like Phoebe like that."

"Even after the dance? What if we go see a movie and she falls asleep on you, so sweet and angelic…"

"Why are you trying to talk me into liking Phoebe?" Ralphie demanded. "It's just a dance."

"I'm just trying to see if it's just me." I furrowed my eyebrows. "Please – can I blame it on the lights?"

"It's a personal problem," Ralphie retorted and started walking away.

"Not a word," I called quickly.

"Fine, but if I'm asked, I'll tell." Ralphie had this annoying honesty thing.

"Don't worry, I'll – I'll talk to DA about it." I closed my eyes. That would suck, but it had to be done. I brought the punch to Keesha. "Hey, I'm going to talk to DA for a second, okay?"

"Okay." She smiled and moved toward Phoebe and Ralphie.

"DA!" I called. I momentarily forgot that Tim was there. "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?"

"What is it?" She asked. She tilted her head slightly.

"I just – want to talk to you." I looked at Tim. "Alone."

"Oh," Tim started.

"I have no intention of making out with her." I corrected sharply. "This is talk."

"Okay," Tim said, only slightly wary.

"A bunch of them are over by the punch." I said, pointing in the direction I'd come from.

"Thanks," he walked away slowly.

"What is this about, Carlos?" DA asked. I took her arm and we went out of the gym and into a corner where there was supposed to be a vending machine or drinking fountain, but there wasn't.

"I hated not going to this dance with you," I started.

"We don't have to do everything together," She replied.

"Well, I'd like to go on dates together with you." I argued. "It gets confusing."

"It's only a dance!" She exclaimed before her expression changed. "Is this really about wanting to go with me?"

"Yes!"

"Not just because it keeps your wandering eye on a leash?" She pursed her lips slightly.

"DA, nothing happened. I just – I got confused by the lights and the … the big fake jukeboxes, and the slow dancing – I have hormones." I tried explaining.

DA laughed.

"What? What's so funny?" I hoped she wasn't going to cruelly dump me for infidelity.

"That's normal, Carlos." She smiled and put a hand on my arm. "When your environment is screaming 'we're a couple,' it's hard to keep your head straight."

"Not all of us are perfect like you." I said with a sarcastic sentimentality.

"Oh, me? No!" She was taken aback. "I know it's just a dance, but it's still confusing."

"So we're okay?"

"Yeah." She kissed me on the cheek and headed back toward the gym. She paused and turned around. "As long as you're okay with the fact that Tim and I just made out during 'Unchained Melody.'"

"WHAT?!" I exclaimed. She rolled her eyes.

"I can't believe you fell for that." She giggled. "They haven't played that song."

"How am I supposed to know that?" I said, slightly louder. We were turning heads now.

"See you later, Carlos," she winked and continued walking away.

I saw a commotion at the gym door, including a loud voice I recognized. "Wanda?" My eyes widened. The rest of the group followed out. Arnold was the deepest shade of red I could imagine.

"Come on! I was just having fun!" Wanda protested.

"You have to leave, Ms. Li," the vice principal, Mr. Green, said firmly. "If you make any more fuss, I'm going to have to ban you from school activities for the rest of the year."

"But I'm on drill team!" Wanda argued.

"SHUT UP, WANDA!" Keesha snapped.

"What was she doing?" I asked, incredulous. I looked and noticed Arnold was the closest to me. "Well?" He wasn't answering. He took a deep breath.

"She was," he paused and swallowed, "getting her freak on. And now she's being removed from the dance. I think … I think we should leave."

"This dance sucked anyway!" Wanda exclaimed. "Let's go!" She grabbed Arnold's arm and triumphantly led us to the door.

"This is so the last time you decide the couples." Arnold whispered loudly.

"Oh, can I be next?" Ralphie asked. "I think you should take Wanda to prom!"

"Drunk Wanda!" Tim quipped.

"Shush, we're still in the school," DA warned.

Arnold stopped and glared at DA, Ralphie, Tim, and me, then took a deep breath. "You are DEAD TO ME."

Halfway there!

Reviews are very much appreciated... you know, as usual.