February 13, 1998
"Hey Li, did you sit on a piece of chocolate or something?" Tiffany Woods taunted. She was the same Tiffany I'd teased Arnold about, the same Tiffany who was tall, blonde, and gorgeous, and the indirect reason I'd never wear white pants to school again.
"What?" I asked. We were in the locker room, getting ready for dance class. Tiffany and a bunch of her cronies, which included everyone's favorite Janet Perlstein (who danced like a hippopotamus covered in itching powder) burst into laughter. I was getting angry, but I was confused. What was so funny? I felt a cool hand grip my left arm. It was Keesha.
"Wanda, you might want this." She handed me a pad. I wasn't stupid – I knew what a pad was.
"Why?" I asked, instantly regretting it. Keesha took a deep breath. "Oh – shit." I sighed quietly.
"Thanks for pointing that out, you're great pals." Keesha announced.
"We weren't talking to you," Michelle Wright scoffed in her Valley Girl voice. "We were talking to Little Miss Retard over there."
"I'M NOT RETARDED." I yelled. Keesha yanked me back before I could beat Michelle senseless.
"We have to finish dressing," Keesha hissed.
"Thanks for making me look even dumber." I growled. "Here's your diaper back."
"Wanda, you shouldn't," she managed.
"Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do!" I snapped. I stuffed my light khaki pants into my gym locker and pulled on my leotard. I didn't want to have a huge bulge in my crotch getting in the way of my dancing. The popular girls, who were the main group in the class, spent the whole period looking at me, whispering, and giggling. I wanted to die. At least it was Friday. The moment we could go back to the locker room, Keesha bolted. She hadn't so much as looked at me since I yelled at her. It served her right. I went straight to the stalls, hoping that somehow a naked man would stroll through the locker room or something to make everyone forget that I was having my period. A few minutes of wrapping up toilet paper later, I nonchalantly reentered the main area of the locker room. I'd triple-checked to make sure no stray bits would give me away.
I unlocked my locker and a note fell out. It was written in purple sparkly pen – Keesha's favorite. I hated pissing her off, but we were both so stubborn and frank about it.
Wanda,
Trust me, even the best TP pad never works. I put the "diaper" in the empty locker under yours. See you at lunch.
K
I rolled my eyes. What did she know? She lacked my engineering skills. Besides, I wasn't going to waste all that time I'd spent securing my brilliant invention to my panties by ripping it out and flushing it. No way, José. I pulled a sweatshirt over my leotard and looked in the mirror. It came down over my butt, but it was about five years too late for that style. DAMN.
Too bad 80s wasn't "retro" yet, for Michelle and me both, I thought snidely. I hated that they hated me. I was supposed to pick MY own friends. They were all supposed to want to be with ME. I rustled through my locker, hoping I'd had something left over. At the back of the locker, I found a pair of jean shorts smushed in a corner. They were Phoebe's, so they wouldn't be too short, thankfully. I snickered. I had a backup plan, unlike Thunder Thighs (Keesha), who wanted me to wear a diaper. Stupid Keesha.
It was Friday anyway, so I figured I may as well throw all my gym clothes into my gym bag. I slung it over my shoulder so everyone would know the fantastic athlete that I was, and sauntered up to English, my fourth period. I had English with Arnold, Ralphie, Phoebe, and DA. I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could, but the tardy bell rang. Now I was late for class, and Ms. Rand was sure to be pissy. At least I'd have Arnold's undivided attention while I entered the room. I let myself soak in that moment for a little while before I was forcibly reminded to pay attention – the door to my English class swung open and hit me right between the eyes.
My yelp echoed through the otherwise silent hallways.
"Wanda, are you okay?" Ralphie asked. "I didn't see you coming,"
"I'm fine." I pushed him into the classroom and grabbed the doorknob. So much for my grand entrance.
"Are you still wearing your leotard?" He asked, oblivious to the fact that we were now interrupting a stupid sentence diagramming lecture or something.
"Yes," I said sharply.
"Will you two lovebirds stop discussing Ms. Li's wardrobe?" Ms. Rand snapped. I felt my face get hot. Of all people she'd refer to me as a "lovebird" with – Ralphie Tennelli? The fat kid? What did she think I was, desperate? Ralphie looked like he was thinking something along those lines. Phoebe was redder than her notebook. Arnold looked pale and more frightened than embarrassed. DA had her arms folded and was staring at me, sort of angrily.
"I have a note," Ralphie said quickly, his voice cracking. My face got hotter. Great, now my fake boyfriend was experiencing puberty in the middle of class.
"Thank you. Wanda? Do you have a note?" Ms. Rand looked up over her granny glasses, draped around her neck with gaudy chums.
"No, I forgot to get one." I muttered. "I can go talk to Miss Morrison if –"
"I don't think so." Ms. Rand stood up from her desk. "Have a seat, you two." I rushed into the seat next to Arnold. DA looked at me chidingly.
"You don't have an excuse, do you?" She whispered.
"She does too! She's still in her leotard!" Phoebe argued.
Arnold shushed us a little too loudly. I looked at my watch. Why was it only 11 a.m.? I still had four whole hours to get through. I had nothing better to do, so I wrote a note.
How's your day going? I was surprised you didn't stay home today since it's so unlucky and all!
Arnold returned it quickly.
Superstition is stupid. I don't want to get in trouble for writing notes.
I wrote:
Come on, Arnold, it's not a big deal. Are you doing anything fun this weekend?
Arnold took the note and looked at me, shaking his head fervently as stealthily as he could.
"Wanda?" Ms. Rand asked sharply after a while zoning out. "Will you give us an example of a compound sentence?"
"Uh, sure." I said quickly. What the hell is a compound sentence? This was supposed to be review! "I like…" I looked around really quickly. I almost felt bad about adding "macaroni" when I looked at Ralphie. "Macaroni."
"And?" Ms. Rand raised an eyebrow.
"AND?" I asked. "Um, I like macaroni and cheese." It didn't work. I looked around at DA, then added, "and I think I'm going to make some right now." DA looked a little less like she was going to have a hernia, so I knew I did something right.
"Very good," Ms. Rand said icily. I grinned slyly. She went back to dissecting sentences (or whatever) on the board.
A note landed on my desk.
Good save.
It was from Arnold! My heart fluttered a little, but I willed it to stop. It was un-Wanda behavior to be all girly over a boy.
Thanks. So what are you doing this weekend, huh? Do you have a DATE?
Arnold wrote:
Why do you want to know?
Oh crap, how did I get myself into this? I had only nanoseconds to think, but I scribbled down:
Because I want to. Why won't you tell me?
Arnold replied too quickly.
How convincing. Tiffany and I are going to dinner and a movie tomorrow night.
I had to ask:
What movie?
Arnold:
Probably Titanic.
OH MY HELL. He was seeing a three-hour sobfest with that floozy? I had to foil it. Before I could do anything, Ms. Rand turned around and I stuffed the note into my notebook. Thankfully, fifth period came after a lunch of scheming with Keesha and DA. Everyone else had lunch after fifth, which normally killed me. I took a very deep breath and began to think. I could buy out all the movie tickets, then they couldn't go, but I didn't have the money. Besides, that was a little more than creepy. I couldn't ask Arnold to come watch a movie beforehand – unless I did. The gears were beginning to turn in my mind. The bell rang and DA pulled me aside before I even left the classroom.
"What are you planning?" She asked sharply, nearly pushing me into an old bookshelf full of To Kill a Mockingbird.
"What do you mean?" I asked innocently. DA rolled her eyes.
"Playing innocent doesn't work with me." She replied.
"Um, Wanda?" Arnold asked sheepishly. "Why does your chair look like someone pooped all over it?" DA's eyes widened. She opened her mouth to blurt out the truth but I stopped her.
"IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE." I said firmly. "I'll see you after lunch, Arn, I'm starving!" I grabbed DA and Phoebe and bolted out of English. "If either of you tell anyone, I will kill you so hard you'll wish you're dead."
"You got your period?" Phoebe asked, ignoring the threat.
"Are you wearing a tampon?" DA continued the inquisition.
"I have it taken care of!" I insisted.
"It wasn't like that when you got there, was it?" DA asked gently.
"Aren't those my shorts?" Phoebe asked.
"STOP IT!" I yelled.
"Wow, SOMEONE'S on her period," a random ninth grader remarked. I flailed my arms, freeing me from Dorothy Ann and Phoebe and grabbed the kid by his backpack straps.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" I yelled in his face.
"Wanda!" A voice cried. I turned around, only to find Ralphie, my "lover."
"WHAT?!" I practically screamed. I could feel the ninth grader tremble a little bit.
"You left your gym bag in class." Ralphie said sheepishly.
"Here," Phoebe reached out for it. DA walked over to me.
"Let the kid go, Wanda." She said firmly.
"Think before you talk next time, moron." I said angrily.
"Wanda!" DA protested.
"Here's your bag." Phoebe said meekly. "I've got math now – see you later." She ran off without another word.
"Let's go find Keesha." DA shook her head. I picked up the bag and walked down the hall, feeling stupid that my friends had scolded me. "What's making you act so stupid?"
"I'm not acting stupid!" I protested.
"What did she do this time?" Keesha asked.
"Where did you come from?" I demanded.
"Spanish, same place I always do." Keesha smirked. "Does DA know yet?"
"What?" DA and I both asked.
"Never mind." Keesha shrugged. I had figured out what she meant, but it wasn't that big of a deal.
"Look, I have to pee, you guys." I said quickly. "Watch my stuff?" I dropped my backpack and gym bag at our usual spot and darted off to the ladies' room. Sure enough, my homemade invention had failed to keep me from drawing extra attention to myself, but I knew just what to do to fix it.
"Are those Phoebe's shorts?" Keesha asked as I approached the table. She was eating a sandwich, as usual, as was DA. I dug out an egg salad sandwich out of my own lunch bag.
"Yeah, so?" I asked, glaring at her a little.
"At least you aren't wearing your khakis." Keesha smiled mischievously. Before DA could ask, she answered, "Tiffany was making fun of her khakis – they got dirty."
"OH." DA said suddenly. She looked like she was going to keep talking, so I threw a grape, which hit her in the eye. "Ow!"
"Good thing I left you that pad, right?" Keesha smiled and sipped her grape soda. "I didn't want to be mean or anything, I just didn't want something embarrassing to happen."
"What? Like talking about PADS in the LUNCH ROOM?" I demanded.
"Wanda, your voice –" DA started, but I already realized that people were staring.
"THE MENSTRUAL CYCLE IS TOTALLY NORMAL AND NATURAL." I proclaimed. "AND FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS ARE ACCEPTABLE TO DISCUSS IN PUBLIC. WE AREN'T LIVING IN THE DARK AGES, DOROTHY ANN."
"Oh my God." Keesha buried her face in her hands. "You are one crazy bitch, Wanda."
Lunch was normal (as it usually was). I told the girls about Arnold and Tiffany's date. Keesha tried to talk me out of doing anything, but that was going absolutely nowhere.
"Carlos and I are going ice skating. He planned it. Isn't that sweet?" DA beamed.
"Mmm-hmm." Keesha and I sighed. "Can't I PLEASE sabotage Arnold's date?"
"Wanda, if you're not brave enough to make a move, you can't make his life miserable until you get the guts." DA lectured.
"Says the girl who was practically rape-kissed two years ago," Keesha added.
"See?" I said. "Sometimes you need external forces."
"You don't count as an external force in your own 'relationship.'" DA made quotes with her fingers.
"I can do what I want!" I argued. DA sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Well, if you're so smart, you tell me: what should I do for him then?" DA asked. I lifted a fist to my mouth. "NOT THAT."
"You so walked into that." Keesha laughed.
"I know," DA sighed.
"You could always call him and say 'I'm not wearing any pants' in your best sexy voice." I suggested.
"I SAID NO, WANDA." DA insisted.
"No, she actually has a good idea!" Keesha's eyes lit up. "I think I'm going to mark my calendar!"
"Put a sock in it, Thunder Thighs." I shot.
"Defensive." Keesha laughed. "I won't write down when you had your precious little idea."
"IT'S NOT LITTLE." I retorted.
"You sound like Carlos," DA thought aloud. We erupted into fits of laughter.
"Seriously, though, call him up – he'll totally buy it." I said after a good belly laugh.
"Then what? I jump out and yell 'surprise! I'm clothed!' or something?" DA asked.
"No, you just wear a skirt." Keesha explained. DA, who didn't always deal with this kind of silliness, slowly smiled.
"IT'S PERFECT!" She cried. "It will make him so mad!"'
Lunch left me ready to face the rest of the day. I double-checked the bench I had been sitting on and still, even after my brilliant engineering, found a few spots. I hated it when Keesha was right. I left DA and Keesha and headed toward my math class. I spotted a ladies' room on my right. Perfect! These things had tampon machines, and I'd read about how to use them. I ran in, my right hand in my pocket fumbling for a quarter.
"Don't bother, it's broken," said a girl who was at the sink.
"Hey, thanks," I said quickly. The tardy bell would ring soon and I really didn't want to be late again. I'd get a hall pass after a few minutes, when Mr. Addison let us work on our homework. I was in "stupid math" – pre-algebra. DA was already in geometry, but who cared about her? I was about to turn my luck around.
I sat down in math and took notes like the model student I was when I felt like being her. Like clockwork, Mr. Addison gave us time to work on our homework, and I was out of my seat as he finished giving us the assignment. Janae Peterson was, as well, and I made sure to run ahead of her to the teacher's desk.
"Mr. Addison," we both said at the same time.
"One at a time, please," he looked up at us, puzzled. "Yes, Wanda?"
"I need to use the restroom, may I go?" I asked sweetly, both reveling in and avoiding Janae's look of death.
"Don't take too long," he said, as usual, and signed a slip of paper before handing it to me. The instant the door shut behind me, I bolted down the hallway, down the stairs, past the lunch room, and down the gym hall toward the girls' locker room. I had made sure to leave before the beginning of second lunch so Mr. A wouldn't get all pissy about thinking I was trying to see my friends or anyone. I wished I would've thought of that sooner, because I could use to "accidentally" run into Arnold – maybe he'd be so caught up in seeing me unexpectedly that he'd blow off his date with Tiffany.
The bell rang as I neared the end of the hallway. The locker room would be empty – perfect. I spent the twenty or so feet before the end thinking of an alibi. I had left my friend's – Keesha's – necklace in here this morning. It was important. I'd have to pay for it if I lost it, and this is the last place I remember having it. Her dad gave it to her for her third –
I'd reached the end of the hall and turned left to the locker room. I slowed to my best casual walk, trying to be relieved that I didn't have to focus on my story any more. It was pretty lame. I'd just go in, get the pad, come out, say hello to my friends, and go back upstairs. Perfect.
I moved through the small maze of walls, lockers, and mirrors to where my gym locker was. The room was eerily quiet. I sighed. At last, the day's drama was over. I turned a corner and instantly wished I hadn't. I interrupted a couple playing tonsil hockey right in front of my locker, which happened to be in a back corner conveniently away from everything else. The mass of blonde hair turned around and exclaimed, "WANDA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
I nearly shat my pants. It was Tiffany – and Arnold, the love of my life. "I - left my friend's necklace here," I said slowly.
"Tiff, we'd better – we'd better go." Arnold stammered.
"You don't wear necklaces," Tiffany countered, raising an eyebrow.
"Maybe I do!" I retorted.
"What did it look like?"
"It was – blue." I lied.
"Why'd you need to get a necklace in the middle of class?" Tiffany asked.
"I'm on my lunch now." I lied again.
"I saw you during A lunch."
"Look, I left something here third period and I'd like to get it and get on with my life!" I snarled.
"Was it a tampon?" Tiffany asked sing-songily.
"NO!" I insisted. "Just – let me get to my locker!"
"Tiff, let her get to her locker." Arnold echoed.
"Wanda had a little accident today in dance, did you know that?" She asked evilly. I tried telling myself that it was because she knew that Arnold liked me, so she was trying to tear me down. "She wasn't originally wearing that skinny girl's shorts over her leotard. She ruined her nice khaki pants."
"Can we not talk about this now?" Arnold asked quietly.
"Sorry if I'm beating around the bush – Wanda bled on her pants and threw a tissy fit at your friend Keesha for trying to give her a pad. I'm surprised she hasn't made a mess out of her shorts yet!" Tiffany laughed. I wanted to die right there. Arnold looked at me. He knew what had happened in English now. He knew I didn't find it that way. I wanted to die even more. I took a deep breath.
She's trying to embarrass you. She knows you like Arnold. Just be the badass Wanda everyone knows, fears, and loves, and get the damn pad, I thought to myself.
"Excuse me!" I said rudely as I reached for the locker below mine. Thankfully, the pad was still in it. "Oh, I forgot that by necklace I meant feminine napkin, and it was pink. Silly me." I snarled at Tiffany. "Now would you please escort your hostage out of the ladies' locker room so I can clean up in relative peace?"
"HOSTAGE?" Tiffany laughed. "I'm sorry, Wanda, but Arnold's not being held hostage by any means! Has he told you we're going to go see the most romantic movie ever?"
"Has anyone told you that the Titanic sinks and everyone DIES?" I retorted, storming over to the bathroom stalls. "HOW ROMANTIC!" I yelled from the safety of my aluminum fortress.
I wanted to walk out of the locker room to triumphant cheering, to Arnold telling me he was so sorry he was kissing Tiffany in front of my locker and promising never to go on a date with her, but I went back out into an ordinary B lunch. Carlos was at the Coke machine across from the locker room.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" He asked me.
"You don't want to know." I replied. "So I hear you have cute stuff all planned for you and DA. That's awesome of you."
"Everything I do is awesome." He retorted. I laughed.
"If you do say so yourself." I shook my head.
"I hear you and Ralphie are –"
"WE ARE NOT!" Ralphie argued. Carlos looked at him in disbelief.
"Seriously, we aren't. Ms. Rand just thinks we are, which basically makes it impossible." I explained. "Besides, Ralphie's kind of on the – um,"
"I'm more man than you can handle." Ralphie finished. Carlos laughed and Dr. Pepper bubbled out of his nostrils.
"On that note, I'm going back to math. See you guys." I giggled.
"YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME, WANDA!" Ralphie called.
"YOU WISH, CANNOLI!" I cried back.