Hey - this is so much fun sharing this story with you. You have all been so nice even though there are no battles, or that you can't tell me how much you hate Sam for being a bad guy. Thank you so much for being so great. When I wrote this story, I had never spent much time in Florida. But, I got back from being there for a week just before I posted this story. I live in the middle of a desert, but that whole heat and humidity thing you have going there in Florida really kicked my butt. I was soaking wet all the time. I added a little bit about the heat in here because, man it is really hot and sticky there. I loved Florida otherwise and can't wait to go back!! This is a really long chapter. Feel free to stop in the middle for an intermission.

True to form Renee had kept me on edge with a steady stream of questions about Edward all the way to Port Angeles. Then she spent the flight to Seattle grilling me on what my plans were for school. THEN, on our lovely 6 hour flight to Florida she regaled me with the dangers of marrying young and not rushing into anything. She laid out what I'm sure was a rehearsed argument for the benefits of living your own life before ever thinking about settling down with anyone.

I did my best to lay her fears to rest. I reminded her of what a sensible girl I had always been. (I was hoping she wasn't thinking about the time I fell through a hotel window, or took off for three days) I told her I had every intention of furthering my education and was excited about my future.

I also told her that whatever I decided to do, that Edward would be considered in my decision. I was honest and told her I loved him. She patted me on the arm with a worried look. Edward would be very proud of me.

On the way to Renee's car, I was surprised at how uncomfortable the heat and sun felt. The humidity was overwhelming. I was used to the wet feeling in Forks, but this was different. My clothes stuck to me and my face felt sweaty and sticky. I immediately pulled my hair up in a ponytail. I kept searching for shade. As soon as I got in the car I turned all my vents to my face and turned the air on full blast.

The trip had worn me out. I was glad to get to Renee and Phil's guest room and flopped on the bed. I couldn't rest though, I was just too anxious to talk to Edward. I knew I could call him, but I didn't want to have to edit what I wanted to say, plus, I knew it would be expensive, and I wasn't sure Phil would appreciate it. I plugged in the laptop and sent a message.

Hello love,

I made it here without even a scratch! Have you had a good day? Tell me what you have been doing. Renee has been grilling me about you all day. I told her I love you. I miss you.

Forever, Bella

I didn't know how long it would take him to know I'd sent a message, but he answered me immediately. It thrilled me that he had been waiting for me to talk to him.

Hello Beautiful.

I am relieved to know you made it there safely. Today Rosalie and I did some work on her car. We had a good talk. Thank you for telling Renee how you feel about me. Tomorrow, tell her I have asked you to marry me and let's see how she reacts! I love you so much. I miss you so much. Sweet dreams.

Yours, Edward

He was so far away.

I may have come here to make decisions about some things, but there was one thing I knew for sure. I absolutely hated going to sleep without Edward there.

The harsh sunlight streaming in my window woke me early the next morning. I would have to remember to close the blinds. That was something I never had to worry about in Forks.

There was another thing I knew for sure. I absolutely hated waking up without Edward beside me. I thought about how his skin would be shimmering like diamonds right now. I instinctively ran my hand over the empty spot next to me.

I shook my head in an effort to clear my brain. Thinking about how much I missed Edward was not going to help me make any decisions. I reached over to the bed stand and got the laptop. Might as well put it to good use, I thought.

I began typing out a list of all the advantages of staying a human. The list was not very long. It mostly centered around being able to see Charlie and Renee.

I also put down that it wouldn't break the treaty with the Quileutes. I didn't even want to think about the can of worms that would be opened with Jake if I became a vampire. He would become my natural enemy.

If Billy found out I was becoming a vampire, he would tell Charlie. What would happen if Charlie found out before I changed? He was not only my father, he was the Chief of Police, I pretty much knew what he would do.

I started to think about farther down the line. If I stayed human, I would be able to have children, but I wouldn't have Edward's children. I would never want to have children with anyone else.

All at once, I realized I had to come to grips with the fact that whether I decided to stay human or not, I would never have my own child.

I was suddenly aware that although I had just barely started thinking about this, Edward had always known this would be a very big deal to me someday. This was probably one of the reasons why he left me in September.

I wondered if Edward ever thought about being a father. That thought put a huge lump in my throat. Did he think about that?

Okay, so now I was starting the list of the disadvantages of staying a human.

I knew what would be the biggest horror for me. I would be growing older everyday while Edward stayed the same devastatingly beautiful angel.

He told me over and over again that this did not matter to him, but oh, it mattered to me. I knew that with time it would matter much, much more.

I could hear my mom out in the kitchen. I did not realize that I had been sitting at my laptop for over an hour.

I went out to Renee and hugged her good morning like I had always done when I had lived with her. It was good to see her in this familiar way again. Phil was at a game in Minneapolis, so we had this time alone. We both wanted breakfast. We decided on toast and juice and we ate it out on the terrace. The weather was gorgeous. It wasn't completely hot and sticky yet.

I stole glances of my mom while we ate. She was still very pretty, but I noticed more wrinkles around the corners of her eyes than when we lived in Phoenix. Her hair was still dark, but I knew she had been coloring it for years. She still had a great figure, but she worked at it, always trying the latest yoga or pilates craze. I wondered how she would look in another 10 years.

"Bella, did you hear me?" My mother was repeating a question. I had been engrossed in other thoughts. I sat up and looked at her.

"Oh, I'm sorry mom, what did you say?"

"Would you like to hit Market Square today? You don't have a lot of summer clothes, and there is a great place we can go for lunch." She got a mischeivous grin on her face. "Let's get your hair done today."

She saw my eyes widen, and she waved her hand in the air and said, "Oh, nothing major, just trimmed and shaped a little bit." I thought about that and smiled, "Sure it sounds like fun."

We had a good time shopping. Though I protested, my mom managed to buy me a pair of sandals and some shorts. She wanted to buy me these really cute high wedge sandals, but there was no way I was going back to Forks on crutches.

We were trying on sunglasses when my mom spied these sundresses. They were quite pretty and my mom made me try one on. Maybe it was all the sun, but I fell in love with one of the dresses. It had a small lace cutout along the bottom, and the straps tied on my shoulders. It came in lots of colors, and I chose the blue. I knew Edward would like that.

Renee dragged me into the salon. I had not trimmed my hair in over a year, it was quite long down my back and just straight. I was at a loss as to what I wanted the beautician to do, so my mom took over. When it was all dried and styled my chair was turned to look in the mirror. I was a little shocked.

She had taken off about 4 inches, so it now came to the middle of my back. I had soft layers with the shortest coming right under my chin. Instead of just straight, it was a bit rounded and curled under on the ends. I looked great! But, I realized, I also looked . . .older. I didn't look I was in High School anymore. I didn't look seventeen. I tried to show my enthusiasm for Renee's sake. I just kept staring in the mirror. Another change for me. Edward could never change.

Lunch was delicious. I had forgotten how mealtimes could be an event. Although Edward was sensitive to the fact that I needed to eat, I usually tried to downplay my hunger and grabbed something fast.

We strolled around a little after lunch, but Phil was coming back around 5:00 that evening, and I could tell my mom was getting anxious to get home. I had really enjoyed this day with her. She seemed to feel the same way.

After Phil and Renee went to bed, I took the laptop back out on the terrace. I was so excited to hear from Edward.

Hello my love,

Another day without a trip to the emergency room! Would you believe we ate breakfast on the terrace this morning? The morning sun and breeze felt amazing.

I spent the day with Renee. It was what you would call a "girl day". We went shopping for clothes and went out to lunch. I got my hair cut today! Nothing too drastic. I hope you like it. I really enjoyed being with my mom. What did you do today?

I want you to know I am doing a lot of hard thinking. I know I did the right thing in coming here.

I love you more every day. I think about you constantly and wish you here with me. Last night when I lay in bed I ached for you.

Forever, Bella

It took him a few minutes to answer.

Hello Bella, I am so glad you enjoyed your day with Renee. These are exactly the kind of things you should be doing. Your hair would be beautiful no matter how you wore it.

Edward

Maybe it was just my imagination, but he sounded like something was bothering him. I looked over my e-mail to see if what I written had done it.

Crap, I was an idiot. Without thinking, I had talked about the morning sun, breakfast, lunch, changing my hair, and being with my mom. These were all the points he brought up every time I said I wanted him to change me. So much for all the times I said this stuff didn't matter. I just gave him the ammunition to keep arguing his side. . . . . Could he be right? Did these things really matter to me?

I wrote back. I decided to play dumb.

Hey Babe, you seem down. Do you want to talk about it?

Bella

The answer came quickly. He avoided my question.

You said you have been doing a lot of hard thinking. Could you please tell me what you have been thinking about?

I did not think Edward should really know the thoughts that were presently going through my head. Especially considering the mood my "cheery recap of the day" e-mail had put him in. It would not be smart to start talking about treaties with werewolves and whether I would ever have a family with him. I sat there for a few minutes debating what I should write. He e-mailed again.

Bella.

That was all it said. I guess I'd better just do this. I wrote back.

I have been mulling over the pros and cons of changing or not.

Well, that was pretty vague. I'm guessing he was going to hate that answer.

A message shot back.

Would you mind being a little more specific?

Oh great. I should be honest. But, I was afraid to talk about these things without him right in front of me. It would be a lot harder for him to walk away from me than it would to walk away from a computer.

Edward, I have not completely sorted out my thoughts. I don't want to talk to you about these things until I'm ready. Please don't be angry.

After a few minutes his e-mail came.

It's bad enough not knowing your thoughts, when I can't see your face it's much worse. But, I'm sorry. I promised you no interference. Take all the time you need. I love you. The nights are so long without you. Edward

My heart swelled. He was trying so hard to be understanding. I had to remember that he was still not sure I was coming back. I did my best to put his fears to rest.

My love,

Thank you so much Edward. I know this is hard for you. I want you to be happy. I want to be the one who makes you happy. I can't do that unless you know I am at peace with the life I choose. Your patience helps so much. I love you so very much.

Forever, Bella

I did not know if he would write back, but he did.

Bella,

I was never really happy until I found you, but I understand what you mean. I want you to be at peace. Sweet Dreams.

Yours, Edward

I stayed with Renee and Phil for four more days. I was making progress, but I knew I needed to get away by myself. Renee was being, well, Renee. She was asking me constantly if I had made my decision on a university, and was trying to line me up with a boy that was the son of one of the managers on Phil's team.

Phil's place was about 45 minutes away. It was actually a condo that he leased in the winter. He was very gracious to let me use it. Phil had an extra car that he was trying to sell, and he was also nice enough to let me use it to drive there. I was so excited because Edward could call me, and we could talk on the phone.

I explained to Renee that I had to leave and be by myself to think through some things. She was perceptive enough to know that I didn't come to Jacksonville for just a social visit. She knew I was trying to work through something. She had tried to talk to me a few times, but I didn't give her many details. If anybody understood my need to think before rushing into something I would regret, it was Renee. By the end of our conversation she was encouraging me to go.

The condo was perfect and the beach was beautiful, but the first thing I did was e-mail Edward and give him the phone number to my place. It was early afternoon, so I knew Edward wouldn't check it for awhile, but I didn't want to take the chance he might be close by. It had been seven days since I'd heard his beautiful voice.

I made a snack with food I'd bought on the way, and took the cordless phone outside and tested how far I would still get reception, and that's where I sat. I was only about 40 yards from the beach.

I began to think about Renee and Charlie again. Was there a way to keep them in my life if I was a vampire? Probably not for the first while. How long would I have to wait? At some point things would have to change. I would stop getting older.

How would I explain that Edward and I were not having children? Something told me Charlie would have loved to have been a grandpa. He would have been a good one. He would teach his grandson to fish.

What would happen if Jake saw me as a vampire? Would he hate me right away? Would he try to kill me? Actually, I already knew that it would be Edward he would try to kill first.

I tried to imagine me actually drinking blood from an animal. The blood would still be warm. I would thirst for it, crave it.

My thoughts drifted to something more pleasant. They went to a place I loved to go. I pictured me with Edward.

I imagined he would walk lovingly towards me. He would take me by the hand and then we would start to run. . . fast.

I was a vampire.

In my thoughts I was graceful, extremely so. I would stop running and pull him towards me. I would wrap my arms tightly around him. I would be so strong that I would take his breath away for a moment. Then I would kiss him, and we wouldn't have to stop. No one would exist in the world but us.

I wanted this dream to come true. More than anything. But, so many other frightening parts came with it.

Would this dream still hold true one hundred years from now? Two hundred years? My family would be long dead. What would Edward and I be doing that far in the future? Carlisle was over three hundred years old. The Volturi was 3,000 years old.

The phone rang and I jumped. I grabbed greedily at it and anxiously said, "Hello?"

"Bella," The velvet voice on the other end caused all the air to escape out of my lungs. All I managed to say was, "Oh Edward."

We talked for over 3 hours on the phone. I sat by the beach for a while, then it started to get dark and I went in and laid on the bed.

He told me what he had been doing. He had kept his promise and had been planning places he wanted to take me when I returned. He had kept in touch with Charlie, and told me we both had been accepted to two more colleges. One in Oregon, and one in Upstate New York. He had been helping Esme with some gardening, but he had been spending most of his time working on an addition to the house.

"You're making the house bigger?" I asked.

He had answered that Esme had always wanted a greenhouse. She wanted to be able to reach it from the house, and she wanted to be able to garden through the winter and not have to refrain on sunny days. I was relieved he had something to keep his mind occupied while I was gone.

At one point, I expressed concern about the phone bill and Edward just chuckled and said not to worry about it. If we talked this long every night his bill would be enormous!

He did not like the idea of me being in the condo all alone. I tried to tell him I was fine, even though I had never slept anywhere by myself in my whole life. My head was dizzy thinking of how great it would be if Edward and I were here together. We could go to the beach at night. He could take me swimming in the ocean. I told him my thoughts and he sighed. I told him to put this place on the list of places he would take me.

It was getting late. I stifled a yawn. Edward said he would wait while I got ready for bed. I hurried and then I grabbed the phone and climbed in the covers. He hummed my lullaby over the phone and whispered he loved me. I told him to call me in the morning. We hung up and it was the best night sleep I'd had since leaving Forks.

Edward called around 9:00 a.m. It was 7:00 a.m. for him, but if you don't sleep, I guess no time is too early.

"Good morning beautiful", he said when I answered the phone. They were taking a break from working on the greenhouse. He wanted to let me know that he wouldn't be able to talk to me that night because he would be hunting with Jasper and Emmett.

"It's like a boy's night out," I said. He chuckled at that.

The last thing he said was, "Think hard today so you can come home."

I loved hearing him say the word "home". It didn't seem like he was referring to Charlie's house.

Home. Where was my real home?

I spent most of the day out by the beach. I had never done this much thinking in my whole life, but it took me to some discoveries.

I could not have everything I wanted.

Compromise, that was the word that fit. What I had to do was figure out what things were most important to me, that I could not live without, and that would be the road I was to take.

I spent much of the day on that one topic.

I was surprised about one thing. All this time there were some things that I thought were really important, and I realized they really weren't important at all.

So that was it, just figure out in my heart and my head what I knew I would always need in my life.

I typed on my laptop some things I needed to discuss with Edward when I got back.

As I came to these discoveries, I had a few questions that needed to be answered before I could make my decision. I wasn't comfortable talking to Edward about them until I talked to Alice and Esme. I would call tonight while Edward was hunting.

I waited untiI I was sure he would be gone. Alice answered. "Alice," I said, "I need to talk to you. Can you spend some time on e-mail with me?" She laughed conspiratorially, "You bet! You know, Edward will kill me when he finds out, and you know he will."

"It's not anything I wouldn't want him to know. I plan on talking to him about all of this. You won't be breaking a confidence," I said.

I sat down to write. I was anxious as to what her answer would be.

Alice, I don't know very much about your and Jasper's relationship. I know even less about Carlisle and Esme's. You both seem very loving, but can you tell me, is it like a human marriage? Do your vampire instincts take over the more physical ones? I mean, do you expect to be with each other for the rest of your existence, no matter how long that might be? Are you committed to each other?

Alice answered back.

Bella, I can't speak for how things will be for you, but I can tell you how it is for me and Jasper. We are as close as two people can be. We are actually more like one person. I don't know if it is primal, having to do with what we are, but the need for each other is extremely intense. Even vampires that do not practice as we do still have mates for life. I have never tired of Jasper, nor do I expect to. I know he feels the same about me.

Carlisle and Esme have an extremely intense, close relationship that has only deepened with time.

I will tell you that Edward commented to me once a long time ago that if he ever did find someone, he hoped his relationship would be like theirs.

I do want to say, I know he will never love anyone the way he loves you. I don't need to use my powers to see that.

Alice

I still had one more question. This one was for Esme.

Alice thank you, I hope I do not cause trouble for you with Edward. I have a hard time talking to him about this kind of thing, since he won't even talk to me at all about being a vampire. Thank you for always being such a true friend. Is there a chance I could talk to Esme?

She answered back quickly.

Sure, hold on a second. By the way, you are smart to go and think this through. Edward is doing okay while you're gone. We are trying to keep him busy. See ya soon. Let me know if you have any more questions.

A few moments passed and Esme was there

Bella dear, how are you doing?

It was comforting to talk to Esme. She always had that effect on me. I began my question.

Hello Esme, I am doing well, thank you. I am making progress on all of this. I have a rather large question. I am so grateful that I have you to talk to about it.

Someday, I am afraid I am going to feel a great desire to be a mother. I think I know how intense that desire was for you. You must have been so distraught over the death of your baby to do what you did. You must have wanted so much to have a child.

I don't know if Edward ever thinks of this, and maybe I won't even care or think about it, but Esme, I am very afraid that if I become a vampire that one day I would regret not being a mother. You have found a way to have a family. There is so much love in your home. I just don't know if logically Edward and I would ever be able to have the same thing. We would both be too young to ever pass as parents. I don't want Edward to ever think I was unhappy if I chose his life.

I also worry about the family I already have, could I lose my parents too? Can you help me with any of this?

My stomach was in knots wondering what she could possibly say that could help me. I was so grateful that I had Esme to talk to. I felt so alone on this topic. There was no way I could talk to my own mother. Esme had become my mother in so many ways. I knew it would take some time for her to respond. I got up and walked around the room.

Finally, her answer came.

Dearest Bella,

I'm am honored you felt you could come to me with such a difficult question. And indeed, this is something you must think long and hard about.

First, I want you to know that Edward has thought about this. He has agonized over it for your sake. He does not want to take the experience of having a family away from you.

Your need for a family may never fully go away. My need for a baby has never fully left me, but I was given a different gift. Sometimes, we need to take whatever gifts we are given, and make the most of them. Carlisle and I love our children with all our hearts. My hope for you is that somewhere in your journey with Edward, whether you chose this life or staying human, that you would also receive the gifts that you desire in your heart.

Concerning your parents, If you decide to change, you may be able to interact with humans and be around your family, it may take years, there are no guarantees.

May I suggest that you should discuss this with Edward as well. I love you Bella.

Esme

I wrote back and thanked her for her wisdom. My head was spinning. I lay on my bed for a very long time trying to sort out the impossible in my head. There are no guarantees.

Choices. So many choices.

But, no matter what I did in my life there were always going to be hard choices to make.

No one in the world had ever been able to make a choice and know years down the road what the outcome would be. Well, no one but Alice. But, even so, her premonitions were all based on the changing decisions others made around her.

Everyone in the world had to make decisions based on what they knew at the time and how they felt at the moment and hope they made the right decision. They had to go on what they knew for sure and then work to make their dreams come true.

That was it.

I smiled.

My choice was coming to me clearly. I had never been more sure of anything. I was surprised at how sure I was.

I wanted to talk to Edward right then and tell him I was ready to come home. It was 1:30 a.m. and he was still hunting. I would have to wait until morning. I was so tired I just laid down on top of the bed.

I was awaken by the phone at about 9:00 a.m. the next morning. I realized when I stood up to get the phone that I had fallen asleep in my clothes.

It was Edward. He apologized for calling so early. They had just got back from hunting. His voice was very quiet.

I was worried about what he had gathered in the minds of Alice and Esme. I didn't have to wait long.

"So you had some questions for Alice and Esme," He said flatly.

I paused, "Yes," I answered.

In a trembling voice he said, "Bella, you should be a mother. I would give anything if I could. . . ." He never finished his sentence.

"Edward, they were just questions I needed answered. Esme was the best one to ask. I told you I was looking at this from every angle." I answered. I tried to downplay the significance of my concerns.

"Bella, I should have talked to you about this sooner, it's just I was so afraid to do it. I won't take away all your dreams. You would have the best life. You could be so happy. He said this in such an agonized but determined tone.

"Edward, I plan on having a very happy and full life, and guess what? I get to choose it." I could sound determined too.

"One day you will look at me and regret everything." He was sounding so upset. I could tell he was pacing.

"One day you could look at me and feel the same way," I shot back.

"That will never happen, I'm the monster, I'm the one with the demons, I'm the one who has done things that I can never tell you. . . . ." He stopped talking again.

What did he just say? "What Edward, what were you going to say? Please don't stop talking." I was holding the phone with both hands.

"Bella."

Oh man, I recognized this voice. This was the same voice he used when he left me.

He continued, "I am not going to call anymore or answer your e-mails. Whether or not you decide to stay human, if you are with me, I will take everything away from you. I am not worth any of this." I could hear him growl. "I am a monster . . .I. . .always have been. Long before I became a vampire. I lost my soul long, long ago."

Then there was nothing but silence.

"Edward. . . . damnit Edward. . . .you can't just. . . . what are you talking about?. . . .what did you say about your past? . . . talk to me!. . . .at least tell me you love me. . "

I was not going to be the one to hang up. I could wait, and wait, and wait . . . . . . .

Then I heard him whisper very softly, " I promised I would never leave you again, but you can leave . . . just leave me . . . ." I started to panic. I began to say how much I loved him when he said, "Let me . . . let me know what you decide . . . I love you Bella," and then he hung up.

I sat there staring in shock at the phone. Great, why did that particular conversation have to take place over the phone thousands of miles apart?

I sat there going over every part of our conversation. So he had thought about my future and how it should be. How nice for him. I was panicking and burning with anger all at the same time.

What did he mean that he had always been a monster? He talked about demons. He said that he had done things that he couldn't even tell me. What was he talking about?

He told me before that human memories fade, and that he had few memories of his past. He said changing was his most vivid memory. But, was there something about his past that was haunting him? Did he really have demons?

What could he have possibly done that could be so terrible?

I called his house but no one answered. I could picture Edward standing guard at the phone daring anyone to try and get past him to talk to me. I tried e-mail, but he wouldn't answer any of my attempts to talk to him.

I changed clothes and went out to the beach.

I had been ready to leave and go home.

I had everything figured out.

One thing that bothered me is that apparently Edward had these demons all along and had never confided in me. He kept so much inside. It hurt me to know that he wouldn't tell me when something was causing him so much pain.

I could go home now, but, for him, nothing would be changed. No matter what my decision was, he would keep pushing me to live a better life. If he did not get this resolved, he would never have peace, and neither would we.

How could I help him?

I didn't know what to do. I stared at the water for hours.

Maybe it was the sun, maybe it was desperation, but I decided to do something I hadn't done since I was a little girl. I decided to pray.

The last time I remember praying was when I asked God to get my mom and dad back together. That prayer was never answered, but it didn't stop me from trying now. I was losing Edward. I was losing him to something I couldn't see or feel or touch. I guess that was why I decided to talk to someone or something that I couldn't see or feel or touch either.

I didn't close my eyes or kneel down, I just sat there staring out at the waves.

"God," I began, "Edward needs your help. If you really are aware of everyone and everything, then I know you are aware of him. He is. . ." I felt the tears come. "He is a magnificent person. He is the love of my life and he is hurting. I know you are aware of what he has. . . become. He is haunted by something from is past. I know that he was loved. Are his mother and father with you?

He says that he has lost his soul, but I have never believed that was true. To be the person he is, I know he has a soul. . . a beautiful soul. I don't know how to help him. Please God, please help me know what to do. Amen."

I didn't know what I expected to happen, but nothing happened. I was once again aware of people talking around me and the waves. Clouds started to roll in. After a while it started to rain. I lifted my face up to the raindrops so I could feel the water on my face. I needed to feel something.

Edward was lost. We couldn't even start a life until there were no more demons.

I was soaking wet. I finally went inside when it was dark. I hadn't eaten all day. I took a shower and went to bed. I lay there and thought about how much I loved Edward. I had been gone eight days. I should go home. I needed to get to Edward. I needed to get to Edward. . . .

I really hope the praying didn't frighten anyone off. Okay, I will give you a hint at what is going to happen next. Something happens during the night that changes everything for Bella. She will be leaving, but she won't be going back to Forks. . . at least not yet!

This is one story where I expect a lot of constructive scathing criticisms. I know it is different - let me have it. I can seriously take it. Update tomorrow.