Jack continued his drive to Los Angeles, switching his phone to silent mode hoping Kate would sleep for awhile. Greg called him nearly 2 hours into the drive to tell him he was running tests, but that the boy was resting quietly. He allowed the phone conversation to distract him and found himself drifting left of center, correcting quickly and dropping the phone in the process. The sound of the phone hitting the gear shift and then landing at Kate's feet making her stir and then finally wake up.
Kate sat up and looked around, still sleepy and confused. Jack decided she looked pretty cute and smiled lightly.
"I'm sorry, I guess I was pretty tired. How much longer?" Kate asked.
"If the traffic doesn't back up we should be there in another couple of hours. Do you feel better?" Jack asked.
"Huh? Yeah, I guess. Who was on the phone?" Kate asked.
"That was Greg. He said he's running tests and to tell you that TJ is calm and sleeping right now." Jack told her.
"Really?" Kate asked.
"I wouldn't lie about something like that Kate. Just hang in there, I'm getting you there as fast as I can without ending up in jail." Jack said.
"I know and I appreciate it Jack. Can we stop? I'm feeling like I might be sick again." Kate said.
He looked at her and gently brushed his hand over her cheek. She wasn't running a fever and her color was good.
"Yeah, next exit. Try to settle down Kate and try to eat something, maybe just a very plain sandwich or some crackers with a soda?" Jack offered.
"Okay." Kate agreed.
They exited the freeway and pulled into another convenience store. He went ahead and topped off the gas tank and then went inside to look for her. He paced through the store, buying a couple of sodas and a few things to try to get her to eat and became concerned when she didn't come out of the bathroom. He placed his purchases on the counter and paid for them and walked back toward the bathroom. There was woman looking at a shelf of souvenir type items. He approached her and asked her if she would go into the restroom and see if his friend was okay. The woman agreed and came back out looking a little shook up.
"Sir, you better go in there. She's just lying in the floor, shaking and crying." The woman said.
Jack handed the woman his sack of groceries and entered the restroom. He took one look at her and felt like his heart might break. He squatted down beside her, pulled her into his arms and sat back against the wall with her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and sobbed.
"I'm a bad mother." She cried.
"Why would you say that?" He asked.
"Because, while my baby was getting sick I was in a hotel room screwing some guy I've only known for two days and that's not the worst part." Kate said.
He didn't even consider being offended. She was obviously too distraught to be rational so he just held her and went along with it.
"What's the worst part?" He asked.
"I liked it." Kate cried and things began to become clearer to Jack.
"That's right and you're not supposed to enjoy things or make time for yourself or allow yourself to be happy if only for a few hours. Right?" Jack said in a soft, soothing tone that suggested he understood.
"How can I when my little boy has never been allowed those things? I'm awful Jack. I laid beside you in bed feeling things I haven't felt in a long time, maybe ever and for a moment I wished I could just stay there forever. What kind of person considers leaving their sick child behind even for a moment?" Kate asked as she began to relax in his arms, her shaking almost completely stopped.
"Is that why you were so upset?" Jack asked and when she didn't answer, held her tighter and continued on.
"Of course that's why you were so upset. Kate, it's okay for you to get tired once in awhile, to need a break, to feel overwhelmed and ready to run away. It doesn't make you a horrible person, it makes you human. You're probably thinking those are just clichés and that it really pisses you off that this stupid son-of-a-bitch thinks he can sit here and pretend to understand what you're going through, but that's okay because you need to allow yourself to feel even if that means feeling like punching me in the stomach because you're going to lose your mind if you continue to keep so much bottled up." Jack told her.
They sat quietly for a few moments. She finally sat up, wiped the tears from her face and looked at him.
"I was thinking more along the lines of the mouth." Kate said.
"What?" Jack asked in a confused tone.
"Punching you, I felt like punching you in the mouth for offering up that cliché." Kate told him making him laugh.
"Are you okay enough to get out of here and back on the road?" He asked.
"Yeah." She said.
He lifted her off of him, stood and pulled her to her feet. They walked out together and he retrieved his sack of groceries from the woman and thanked her. Once in the car and back on the road Kate opened her soda and nibbled on the peanut butter crackers he bought for her.
"Want one?" She asked holding a cracker up.
"No thanks." He said.
"You have to eat too Jack." Kate pushed.
"I'm not hungry. I didn't leave my breakfast burrito on the side of the road." Jack teased.
"Jack, I'm sorry I've been such a basket case. I swear I've never been this emotional. I don't know what's wrong with me." Kate said.
"There's nothing wrong with you and you don't need to apologize, I just wish I could do something to help." He told her.
"I still don't get it Jack." Kate puzzled.
"Get what?" Jack asked.
"I don't understand why such a great guy is alone. Do you have some freaky, scary secret that creeps women out or something? You don't like to dress up in women's clothes or spend hours surfing through porn on the internet while you jerk off do you?" Kate asked making him chuckle.
"You've busted me, but just so you know I like to wear the women's clothes while I'm jerking off." Jack teased making her laugh.
"That's a pretty frightening mental image Jack." She said and smiled at him.
"I'm flattered that you think I'm a great guy Kate, but like I told you before, my mistress ruins my relationships." Jack said.
"Maybe, or maybe you just like to blame the failures on your mistress. Sometimes it's easier to do that than pointing the finger at the man in the mirror." Kate suggested.
"So I'm a relationship saboteur?" Jack asked in an amused tone.
"I don't know, but maybe we're about to figure that out." Kate said.
"Does that mean we aren't going to go our separate ways when we get to LA?" Jack asked.
"I enjoy your company, you're gorgeous, a great kisser and what can I say about the sex, except 'wow'." Kate told him.
"You were pretty wow yourself." He said sweetly and took hold of her hand.
"Seriously Jack, you're sweet and kind and didn't leave me by the side of the road even though I deserved to be left. No matter what happens between us, I'll never forget the last few days and everything you've done for me." Kate said sweetly as she leaned over and kissed him.
"Another hour and we'll be there." Jack said.
"Are you going to be in a lot of trouble for leaving your medical thing?" Kate asked.
"Not a lot of trouble. The hospital will understand when I explain. My father would never understand so I won't bother trying to explain to him. He can just add it to the long list of things about his son he finds disappointing." Jack said sarcastically.
"You and your father, you aren't that much alike." Kate commented.
"You think?" Jack laughed.
They arrived in Los Angeles in just under 5 hours. Jack was certain he'd never made the trip between the two cities that quickly and wondered how he managed to pull it off without getting several speeding tickets. He pulled into the hospital parking area into his reserved parking space. Kate was eager to get inside and became inpatient with him when he took too long gathering his wallet and his phone along with his thoughts before getting out of the car.
He ignored her aggravation with him, stepped out of the car, put his arm around her waist and walked into the hospital with her. They rode the elevator to the 2nd floor and exited. They approached the nurses station and Jack looked thoughtfully at the young brunette giving him a look of surprise.
"Aren't you supposed to be in San Francisco Dr. Shephard?" She asked.
"Long story Kim. Do you have the chart on TJ Austen?" Jack asked.
"No, Dr. Lucas has it. He's in with him right now. Room 2210." The nurse answered.
"Thanks Kim." Jack said and escorted Kate down the hall to TJ's room.
They entered the room to find it eerily quiet. Dr. Lucas was standing beside the bed writing in the chart and TJ was asleep, oxygen tubes under his nose. Jack cleared his throat to get the doctor's attention. The doctor who looked to be even younger than Jack approached them, shook Jack's hand and then held his hand out for Kate to shake.
"Ms. Austen, I'm Greg Lucas. We've met before I think." Greg said.
"Yeah, you came to check on him a few times the last time he had surgery." Kate answered.
"Since he's resting right now, I'd like to go down the hall to my office and talk to you for a few minutes." Greg said noticing that Kate stepped back and took hold of Jack's hand.
"Can he come too?" Kate asked her voice shaky.
"Of course." Greg said somewhat relieved that she wasn't going to have to hear his news alone.
Jack had been a physician long enough to recognize when a doctor was about to deliver bad news to family members. He took a deep breath and squeezed her hand in a reassuring manner as they followed Greg to his office. Once everyone was seated, Greg leaned forward, hands folded and sighed heavily.
"TJ's got an infection in his right lung, that's what spiked his fever. We've got him on antibiotics and we gave him something for pain." Greg told her.
"He's in pain?" Kate asked.
"Ms. Austen…………" Greg started.
"Kate, please call me Kate." Kate said.
"Kate, I'm assuming you're aware of how ill your son is, but after studying his file I'm guessing you believed he had more time before things got really bad. The cancer is spreading faster than I think anyone could've anticipated. His left lung is full of tumors as is his abdomen. His pain is manageable right now, but in my professional opinion, it won't be much longer without hospitalization." Greg said.
"No, they told me he had months and it's only been a few weeks. I want a 2nd opinion." Kate argued.
"Kate, I'll be happy to do that for you, but I promise you that it's only going to mean putting your son through another battery of painful tests and the results are going to be the same." Greg said.
Kate couldn't speak, the moment she'd thought about and played out in her head hundreds of times was finally real and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't process the information, couldn't accept it, wouldn't accept it.
"No! He was fine three days ago. He was happy, playing and pain free. It's not supposed to be this way, not this quick. I'm not ready. Please, can't you do something?" Kate pleaded as a few tears escaped down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry Kate, I wish…" Greg tried to explain but was cut off by her.
"No! I'm not going to listen to this! You're wrong! He has to see snow! I promised him he would see snow! You're wrong. I'm going to go see my son now." Kate yelled and went to the door.
Jack started to go after her, but Greg shook his head no and motioned for him to let her go. Jack relaxed back into the chair and ran his hands through his hair.
"Give her a few minutes Jack, time to wrap her mind around what is happening and then if you're her friend be there for her." Greg said.
"How long does he have Greg?" Jack asked.
"He could die today or he could hang on another month." Greg said.
"Jesus man, how do you do this every day?" Jack groaned, leaning forward and putting his face into his hands.
"I guess because for every one TJ there are five that beat it." Greg said.
"The kid has to see snow Greg." Jack said.
"It's not going to happen Jack, he's too far gone, needs constant attention, needs pain medication administered. His breathing is becoming an issue and flying is out of the question." Greg objected.
"I can monitor him, his breathing, his oxygen, his pain medication. We'll find snow that is within driving distance." Jack argued.
"Are you in love with this kids' mother Jack because you're not being rational. His lung capacity is at about 60 percent and you want to take him to an altitude that makes breathing difficult? Why not just put a pillow over his face?" Greg asked sarcastically.
"It would probably be more humane than pumping him full of morphine and watching the cancer consume him." Jack shot back.
"Jack I obviously can't keep you and his mother from taking him out of the hospital on some crazy adventure to fulfill the dying wishes of a four year old, but I am strongly recommending that you not do it. You're a doctor Jack, you know better." Greg said in a calmer tone not wanting to get into a battle of wills with a guy who had a reputation for being as stubborn as a mule.
"Does TJ understand what's happening to him?" Jack asked.
"Kids that young typically have no concept of life and death. He just knows his tummy hurts and that he wants his mother and a lot of times mom or dad is a better pain killer than any drug I can offer." Greg answered.
"Okay and thanks for everything Greg." Jack said and left the room.
Jack walked slowly back to TJ's room thinking briefly about just walking past it and right out of the hospital. This was unreal to him. This woman he didn't know three days ago was now consuming all of his thoughts and the idea of the emotional pain she was being forced to endure was ripping his guts out. He entered TJ's room and found her sitting in the corner of the room in a chair, legs pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around them and chin resting on her knees. She was watching TJ and slowly rocking back and forth. He approached the chair and squatted beside it, placing his hand gently on her shoulder.
"Kate, are you okay?" He asked.
"He won't wake up Jack. What if he never wakes up?. What if I never to get to say goodbye to my son because I was riding roller coasters, drinking champagne and screwing in a limousine instead of being here with him?" Kate mumbled.
"He'll wake up Kate. He's heavily medicated right now, but he'll wake up and he'll be so happy to see you. Did you bring his present with you or is it still in the car?" Jack asked.
"His present sucks Jack. I bought him mittens and a scarf for when we go to see snow. He's not going to see snow Jack. He's never going to leave this room." Kate said, choking on her emotions, tears streaming down her face.
He moved around in front of her, still squatting down to her eye level. He put his hands on either side of her folded up legs and forced her to look at him.
"You don't have to go through this alone Kate. I'm here for you." Jack said.
"I can't do this Jack. I can't watch him die. I can't plan a funeral. When I think about it, I feel like I can't breathe. I'm supposed to be strong for him. If he sees me like this it will scare him. Help me find my strength Jack." Kate cried.
"Listen to me Kate, you are going to be there for him. You think you won't, but you will. As soon as you see his face or hear his voice that switch that parents seem to have built in will turn on and all the things that scare you, that hurt so much they take your breath away will be pushed to the back." Jack told her, his voice calm and soothing to her.
"How do you know I won't fall apart?" Kate asked.
"I've seen enough of you to recognize a fiercely strong and independent woman and I've seen that magic switch parents have in action. Parents will completely fall apart anywhere, but in front of their children and I know as soon as he cries out, the same will be true for you." Jack replied.
"I promised him a present Jack." Kate mumbled.
"I'll go down to the gift shop. What does he like?" Jack asked.
Kate looked at him and placed her hand on the side of his face.
"You are the kindest person I've ever met." Kate said.
"Yeah, well you're the only person I've ever met that could manage to make me laugh and smile constantly so what about that gift?" Jack asked again.
"He likes to color and he likes those little cars." Kate sniffed.
Jack left the room and returned about 20 minutes later with a bag and a teddy bear. Kate was still sitting in the chair watching TJ sleep, but wasn't rocking anymore which made him feel like the shock she was suffering from was starting to stabilize a little. She looked up at him and forced a weak smile.
Jack grabbed another chair and positioned it beside hers. He pulled coloring books, crayons and a fire truck out of the bag. Kate smiled at him.
"He loves fire trucks. How'd you know?" Kate asked.
"Most boys his age do." Jack said.
"How would you know that?" Kate asked.
"Well Kate, I was a boy once." Jack said.
"He'll like the bear too." Kate said.
"The bear is for you." Jack said.
"For me?" Kate puzzled.
"The days ahead are going to be difficult. I thought you could use something to hold onto when it feels like it's too much and I'm not around." Jack said with a shy smile.
"So you're going back to San Francisco?" Kate asked.
"No, but this is a very private and personal thing for you and I'm always a phone call away, but I'm not going to intrude as long as you promise to call me day or night no matter what. I'm giving you your space Kate." Jack said.
"I appreciate that, but you don't have to make yourself a stranger." Kate said.
"I'll be here as much as you need and want me to be." Jack said.
Kate started to respond when she heard TJ cry out. She leaped from her chair and ran to the side of his bed. Jack walked toward the bed, stopping at the foot of it and observing. The sleepy child looked confused for a moment and then a smile spread across his face.
"Hi mommy." He said.
"Hi baby, how are you feeling?" Kate said as she leaned in and kissed and hugged him.
"My tummy hurts bad." TJ said.
Kate looked at Jack. Jack moved closer to the bed.
"Hi TJ, my name is Jack. Can you show me where your tummy hurts?" Jack asked.
The child pointed at his lower abdomen.
"Tell me if this hurts." Jack said as he gently pressed on the boy's lower abdomen.
"No, but I think I have to throw up." TJ said just before he began throwing up, choking on it because he was too weak to sit up.
Jack quickly turned the little boy onto his side and tilted his head so he could cough up the vomit. He reached down and pushed the button for a nurse.
"I think that was just a good old-fashioned stomach ache, probably a reaction to the pain medicine." Jack said.
Kate watched him, amazed at how calm he was and not the least bit uptight about the fact that his hands and forearms were covered in vomit.
"Does your tummy feel better now sweetie?" Kate asked as she began wiping his face and neck with a wet washcloth.
"Yes mommy it's better now." TJ said.
Jack watched the nurses clean up the mess, help Kate put clean pajamas on TJ and get him settled back into his bed. He sat in the corner of the room and watched him play with his fire truck and happily accepted the picture he colored for him, while Kate sat in his bed with him the entire time, unwilling to leave his side and miss the moments of his life that were left. He'd tried to excuse himself at one point, but Kate gave him a disappointed look that forced him to stay. Jack had no idea how long he sat in the chair and intruded on their private world, but at some point TJ had gone back to sleep and Kate, curled up beside him had also gone to sleep. He retrieved a blanket, gently placed it over Kate, kissed her on the cheek and left the room.
Jack walked out of the hospital pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. He'd felt it vibrating against his leg numerous times, but chose to ignore it. He looked at the list of calls and all of them were from his father. He proceeded to delete all of them before pulling up his phone list, scanning through the names and selecting one. He climbed into the driver's seat of his car and waited for an answer.
"Hey, it's Jack. Is it okay if I come by?"
"Okay, I'll be there in 20."
Jack flipped the phone shut and shoved it back into his pocket. He made the 20 minute drive to an upper middle class neighborhood, pulled into a driveway of a two story home, got out of the car and walked up to the front porch. He rang the doorbell and waited. A woman answered the door.
"Hey Jenna, thanks for letting me come by. I hope it's not too late." Jack said as he entered the home and watched her shut the door behind him.
"I thought you were in San Francisco this weekend." She said.
"I was, but I came back early." Jack said as glanced across the room a big smile spreading across his face.
"Daddy!" A young boy about five or six squealed.
"Hey buddy, come give your dad a hug." Jack said squatting down, arms open, ready to embrace the child.