Thanks to all of you for the enthusiastic reviews and I thoroughly enjoyed your reactions to the end of the last chapter. Here's the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it and thanks for reading!
The child ran to Jack and wrapped his arms around his neck. Jack stood, holding the boy tight to his chest, returning the hug with so much intensity the two adults watching the scene could tell something was eating at him. Jack always showed his son affection, but it was rare that the child had to ask his dad not to squeeze so tight.
"Is everything okay Jack?" Jenna asked.
"Yeah, it's just been a rough couple of days." Jack said as he sat down in one of the living room chairs with his son.
"You're not supposed to be back for one more day." The child said.
"They let me come home early Conner." Jack told him.
"Did you bring me a present?" Conner asked.
"I don't know, were you good for Aunt Jenna and Uncle Mike?" Jack asked.
"Was I good Aunt Jenna?" Conner asked.
"Yes you were. Why don't you go play with Sam and Rachel and let me talk to your dad for a minute." Jenna said.
"But I want my present." Conner whined.
"It's in the car sport. I'll go get it in a minute. Okay?" Jack said.
"Please daddy, I can't wait." Conner continued to whine.
"Okay, come on let's go get it." Jack said as he stood with the child.
"Jack." Jenna protested.
"Jenna, it's fine. I'll be right back." Jack told her.
Jack carried the child outside and they returned a few minutes later, Conner excitedly clutching a toy trolley car and trying to squirm out of his father's clutches. Jack set him down and watched him run up the stairs shouting about the lights and bells on his new toy. He sauntered back into the living room and sat down.
"You spoil him rotten Jack." Jenna accused in a disapproving tone.
"It's just a toy Jenna." Jack argued.
"He'd rather have your time Jack." Jenna remarked.
"Can we not do this tonight?" Jack sighed.
"You have a beautiful, intelligent five year old son Jack that needs to be a priority in your life." Jenna scolded.
"Don't go there. I love my son Jenna and I'm doing the best that I can." Jack defended himself.
"Are you? Do you think my sister would think this is the best you can do?" Jenna asked.
"What do you want from me? Oh no wait, I know what you want, you want to take my son away from me." Jack accused.
"Jack, we don't want to take Conner away from you, we just think he would be happier with us." Jenna said.
"How is my son living in fucking Ohio without his dad going to make him happy?" Jack spat.
"Don't use that language in my home Jack." Jenna ordered.
"Look Jenna, I appreciate all you've done for Conner and me, but he is my son and maybe I'm not super dad like Mike over there, but I love him and I make sure I tell him that every day even if I have to wake him up to do so and he loves me and it's going to be tough on him not being able to come over here every day while I'm working, but we'll manage. We can't manage without each other though and I can't believe you would think I would even consider letting you guys have him." Jack explained.
"We were just thinking about Conner and allowing him to have a normal, stable family life." Jenna said.
"You mean your idea of a normal, stable family life. Conner and I are a family. He's happy to spend time with you and your family Jenna, but do you really believe he would be happier without me in his life?" Jack asked incredulously.
"Of course not Jack, you're everything to him, but what kids think makes them happy and what is best for them are often two different things. He's all I have left of my sister Jack and she wouldn't want him to be so lonely because his dad loves his job more than his son." Jenna said.
"Jenna, that's pretty unfair." Mike finally chimed in.
"You're wrong Jenna. Emily got me, she never measured my feelings for her based on how many hours a day I gave her, but how I chose to spend the time I did have with her. Conner is all I've got left of her too and I might not have as much time as other dads, but the time I do have I'm focused on him." Jack said.
"So that's it? You're mind is completely closed to the idea?" Jenna asked.
"Completely. Look Jenna, I know that there is always going to be a part of you that blames me for what happened to Emily and that's okay because there isn't a day that goes by that I don't blame myself, but please believe that I loved her more than anything and that Conner is a result of that love and him not being a part of my life isn't an option. Please don't mistake my being busy for being indifferent." Jack pleaded with her.
"Will you let him come to visit some time?" Jenna asked.
"Of course and I do appreciate that you and Mike wanted to make him a part of your family and take him with you when you move." Jack said.
"I'm sorry Jack. You know I love you. I just don't want you to wake up one day and realize your son grew up and you missed it." Jenna said.
"You aren't going to love me when I ask if you can go ahead and keep him for me another couple of days." Jack said.
Jenna looked at him and sighed. She loved her brother-in-law dearly, but she didn't understand him or the crazy work hours he kept, but Emily did, swearing his passion for his work was one of the things about him she loved the most.
"Of course he can stay." Jenna said.
"Thanks, I'm going to go get him ready for bed, tuck him before I go." Jack said.
Jack climbed the stairs in search of his son. He found him and against much protest finally managed to get his pajamas on him and into the bed he always slept in when he stayed over, which was more than Jack liked to admit. Jack kissed him on the cheek, told him he loved him and started to leave the room.
"Daddy, will you please stay with me until I go to sleep?" Conner asked.
Jack's mind quickly flashed back to the hospital, to Kate clinging to the last moments she would be allowed to spend with TJ and he didn't hesitate. He walked back over to the bed and lay down beside Conner.
"Daddy why are you leaving again?" Conner asked.
"There is something I need to take care of, but I promise when I get back I will take a couple of days off and we'll just hang out." Jack said.
"I have school." Conner said.
"Just for half a day. We'll get up and eat breakfast together and I'll take you to school and then I'll come back and pick you up and take you to lunch and then we'll go home and just be lazy bachelors." Jack promised.
"Can we go eat at the place with all the games and prizes?" Conner asked.
"Sure and we can invite Sam and Rachel too if you want." Jack offered.
"No, just us dad." Conner demanded.
"You have a birthday coming up, we could go to the toy store and see what you might like to have." Jack offered.
"I want a big bike dad. You promised when I'm six I could have a big bike." Conner reminded him.
They lay silently for a few minutes. Jack thought Conner was close to drifting off to sleep when the child called out to him again.
"Daddy?" Conner said in a quizzical tone.
"Yes son." Jack replied.
"How come I don't have a mommy?" Conner asked.
"We've talked about this before Conner. You do have a mommy. Remember, I showed you pictures of her holding you when you were a baby." Jack answered.
"That mommy is in heaven dad, how come I can't have one that lives with me? Lots of kids at school have more than one mom and dad." Conner told him.
"Because I haven't met anyone yet that comes close to being good enough to be a mom that lives with you." Jack struggled trying to come up with an answer that would satisfy the child's confused and innocent mind.
"You should find us a mom." Conner told him.
"Is there a reason why you all of the sudden want a mom Conner?" Jack asked.
"If we had a mom I could stay home and you wouldn't be so sad all the time." Conner said.
"I'm not sad Conner." Jack told him.
"Yes you are. Good night daddy. I love you." Conner said through his yawns.
Jack watched the child drift off to sleep, the conversations the bright and often insightful five year old could drag him into never ceasing to amaze him. Jack let his head rest on the pillow beside his son. He finally draped his arm over Conner and allowed the sleep his body was craving to overtake him.
Jenna assumed Jack had fallen asleep with Conner and went up stairs to throw a blanket over him. She covered Jack with the blanket and watched the two of them sleep, the trusting, adorable mini version of Jack snuggled up close, his small hand resting on Jack's chest, lightly clutching a handful of his shirt and Jack's big arm wrapped around the small child, secure and delicate at the same time. As she watched them sleep she hoped that some day Jack would understand that she never wanted to separate them, but was trying to wake Jack up and realize he needed to spend more time with his son.
Jack was startled awake by the phone in his pocket vibrating. He grabbed it, saw that it was Kate and moved off the bed quickly and across the room so he could answer it.
"Kate?" Jack answered.
"Did I wake you up?" Kate said.
"Yeah, no, it's okay. What's wrong?" Jack asked.
"Nothing, I just…….are you working at the hospital today?" Kate asked.
"No, but I'm on my up there to see you. I need to run by my house real quick and then I'll be there. Can I bring you anything?" Jack asked.
"Just you." Kate answered.
They said their goodbyes. He looked at the clock on his cell phone. It was 4:35 AM. He leaned over, kissed Conner on the cheek and quietly made his way downstairs. Mike was already up, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.
"Hey man, I'm gonna get out of your hair, I'll be back tomorrow sometime." Jack told him.
"Take it easy Jack." Mike said and looked back down at his newspaper.
Jack pulled into the hospital parking lot and quickly made his way up to TJ's room. Kate was sitting in the same chair he found her in the day before. He looked over at the bed to make sure the child was okay and then back at Kate. He took her hands and pulled her up to face him. She looked tired and scared. He kissed her and sat down in the chair, pulling her into his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and let her head rest on his shoulder.
"Did he have a quiet night?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, they took his IV out. They said it would be best to give his veins a rest before he gets sicker and will need to have one constantly." Kate said and went quiet.
He could feel the light heaving in her back and chest and knew she was breaking down again. He wrapped his arms around her and held onto her, letting her cry, pushing all thoughts of Conner out of his head so he could fight his own tears. The pain Kate was experiencing was unimaginable to him. He understood grief, but his was a grief he didn't understand and hoped he never would. After a few minutes she settled down and he thought maybe she'd fallen asleep.
"Kate, are you awake?" He asked.
"Yes. I wish I wasn't. I wish I could turn my brain off but I can't. I think I may go crazy Jack." Kate said softly, sadly.
"You might for a little while, but that's okay. I'll take care of you." Jack said.
"You don't have to." Kate said.
"I know. I want to." Jack said.
"Why?" Kate asked.
"I don't know Kate. I don't have some deep poetic answer. I like you and I care about you. That's all I've got." Jack answered.
"That's enough." Kate said.
"We need to go your house and get some things for TJ." Jack said.
"What things?" Kate asked.
"Some warm clothes, boots and the scarf and mittens you bought for him." Jack said.
"Why?" Kate asked.
"My family has a cabin in the mountains, up at Big Bear. It's a pretty short drive. We're going to take him to see snow." Jack said.
"He's so sick Jack, is it safe?" Kate asked.
"Kate, have they explained to you how things may go for TJ?" Jack asked trying to be sensitive.
"What do you mean, how things may go?" Kate asked.
"If he were to stop breathing right this minute Kate would you want them to run in here with all their equipment and bring him back or would you let him go?" Jack asked.
"What kind of question is that Jack?! Of course I would want them to try to save him!" Kate replied defensively.
He'd made her so angry she was now sitting up, face to face with him, eyes angry and glaring at him. He finally coaxed her back to letting her head rest on his shoulder. He did not want to say what he was about to say and have to look her in the eyes while saying it.
"Over the course of the final stages of this illness TJ's lungs and heart are going to weaken and he will go into full arrest and they will continue to bring him back until you tell them not to Kate." Jack said slowly and as delicately as possible.
He could feel her tensing up and fighting against him, struggling with what he was telling her, with what he was suggesting her to authorize and she was angry, as angry as he expected her to be. She sat up and slapped hard at his chest.
"What the hell Jack?! You don't want be inconvenienced and let this drag out so I should just go ahead and let my child die? Let go of me!" Kate accused and struggled to get away from him.
He held onto her arms and let her fight him until she was exhausted and reduced to tears again. He pulled her back into him and wrapped his arms around her again and talked softly to her.
"I'm so sorry that you have to face decisions like this Kate. He's suffering sweetheart and you have to ask yourself if he fades away peacefully is it fair to keep bringing him back to suffer some more?" Jack explained working hard to keep his emotions in check and finding it more and more difficult.
"Oh God Jack I can't do this, please don't make me make that decision." Kate cried.
"You asked if it was safe to take him to see snow. There is no such thing as safe for TJ anymore Kate. He's dying and you have to ask yourself if he were to die while experiencing the feeling of making a snowball for the first time, while enjoying cold snow with his mom, while not surrounded by the smell of disinfectant but clean mountain air would you regret taking him there." Jack said.
"You would really do that for us?" Kate asked.
"I wish I could do more, but yes, of course." Jack said.
"You won't get into trouble?" Kate asked.
"No Kate, he's your son and how he spends his final days on this earth is your choice. Doctors will always recommend the medical choice of course, but at the end of the day it is up to you. I can monitor his oxygen and administer pain meds if he needs them. What do you say? Are you ready to make sure TJ sees snow?" Jack asked.
"Are you some kind of guardian angel Jack?" Kate asked.
"Hardly, but it would be cool if they really do exist huh?" Jack said.
Jack took Kate to her house and waited while she took a shower, unpacked her San Francisco bag and repacked it with clothes for her and TJ that would be suitable for a day and night in the mountains. They returned to the hospital by 7 AM. While Kate dressed TJ for the trip, Jack stepped out into the hall to call Greg Lucas and let him know what they were doing.
The physician in Greg didn't agree with what they doing, but the human-being understood why it was important and why it didn't matter if TJ passed away in a hospital bed or in a bed in some cabin in the mountains. Jack checked his chart to see what kind of antibiotics and what kind of pain meds they were giving him and packed a small bag with syringes and vials of the appropriate medications.
With TJ lying comfortably in the backseat on the makeshift bed they'd created with blankets and pillows they began their trek to the mountains. The distance wasn't that great, but enough for Kate to get a decent nap in. He'd given TJ a shot of pain medicine before they left so he slept the entire way as well. He stopped the car and Kate woke up.
"Why are we stopping, is TJ okay?" Kate asked panicked.
"He's fine. I'm going to run in here and get a few groceries." Jack said.
"He can't eat food Jack so I don't eat in front him." Kate said.
"Not a problem Kate, but you'll need to sneak something in before we leave tomorrow." Jack told her.
She looked at all the snow everywhere and then in the back seat at her sleeping son and then back at Jack. She put her hand on his face and kissed him.
"Thank you for this Jack. You'll never know how much this means to both of us." Kate said.
"We're going to have fun. Be quiet and try not to wake him. When we get a little higher up to where the cabin is hopefully it'll be snowing and he can actually see it falling out of the sky. I remember the first time my………..uh, my father brought me up here to see snow. I can't wait to see his face." Jack said kissing her back and then exiting the vehicle.
Jack made quick work of the country grocery store and returned to the vehicle. He drove a little further up the mountain and parked the car in front of a cozy looking mountain cabin. He handed the key to the front door to Kate and retrieved the sleeping child from the back seat. Kate opened the door and sighed. It was perfect. Wide open living room, kitchen and dining area with a big fireplace that covered an entire wall. The upstairs was open as well and she guessed that was where the bedrooms were. It was warm inside the cabin, which she found odd.
"Why is the heat on?" Kate asked.
"Because my father pays to keep it maintained year round. He used to lease it out to vacationers, but got tired of people destroying his things so it just sits empty most of the time." Jack answered.
He laid TJ on the couch and went back outside to grab their suitcases and the groceries. They settled in and waited for TJ to wake up, both hoping he would wake up feeling good enough to enjoy the snow. Jack sat down and examined the child. He pulled out his stethoscope and listened to TJ's chest. He set the oxygen tank beside the couch and put the tubes under his nose.
"What's wrong? Is he not breathing?" Kate asked.
"He's fine Kate. He just needs a little oxygen. His heart rate is strong and there's no fever. He seems to have made the trip with no ill affects." Jack said.
The short examination made him stir and eventually open his eyes. Jack smiled at him.
"Mommy." TJ said softly.
"I'm here sweetie." Kate said taking Jack's place on the couch.
"My tummy hurts." TJ said and began to cry.
Jack grabbed a large bowl from the kitchen and handed it to Kate. He sat TJ up from behind and Kate barely got the bowl down in time as the child vomited and gagged and cried until it was over. Jack handed her a wet washcloth and she wiped his face.
"Do you feel better honey?" Kate asked.
"Yes." TJ said.
Jack watched her feed him through his feeding tube and hoped the nourishment would perk him up a little. About an hour after throwing up and being fed TJ started to perk up. He sat up on the couch and asked if he could get down. They decided to jump on the opportunity and take him outside. Kate put his coat on him and his new hat and mittens.
"Where are we mommy?" TJ asked.
"We are in the mountains. Let's go outside we want to show you something." Kate said as she held his hand and allowed him to slowly walk toward the door.
As soon as he was close enough Jack opened the door and watched the little boy's face light up and witnessed his cancer ravaged body find energy it didn't have five minutes ago while Kate managed to catch the boy's initial expression with her camera.
"Snow mommy! It's snow!" TJ squealed with delight making Jack smile at how special and magical the moment was.
TJ walked out onto the porch and then past it, tilting his face up so the snow flakes could hit him and he giggled like four year olds giggle, as happy as Kate had seen him a long time. She pulled her gloves off and quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"It's good Kate, it's all good. Come on let's build a snowman." Jack encouraged her, watching her struggle between the joy and the pain of the moment hurting him in a place that was so deep it rattled him a bit, not because he was afraid, but because he hadn't felt anything that deep in over five years and had forgotten what it felt like to actually care about someone that deeply.
Jack took the boy's hands and showed him how to push the snow together and make a snowball. He then lifted the snowball and encouraged TJ to taste it. TJ put his tongue on the snowball and squealed happily.
"It's cold!" TJ exclaimed and laughed.
While Jack labored in the snow rolling the bottom ball of the snowman around making it as big as possible, Kate conspired with TJ and when he wasn't looking they both clobbered him with snowballs, much to the little boy's delight.
"You think that's funny?" Jack teased the little boy as he approached him with a giant snowball in his hand.
"No! It's too big!" TJ laughed and then fell down in the snow trying to get away from Jack.
"Jack! Don't you dare!" Kate ordered.
"Here it comes TJ, lookout." Jack teased and then crushed the snowball in his hands making the snow fall over the boy's head.
"I want a snowman!" TJ demanded.
"Well, you better get busy making his head then." Jack told him and returned to the giant ball he'd been rolling through the snow.
"Mommy, help me." TJ said.
Kate help TJ roll a small ball through the snow while Jack worked on the middle ball. Once he was ready for the head, he rolled it over and set it on top of the other two balls.
TJ clapped his hands together, excited that it was starting to look like something. Jack walked up to the porch, kicked the snow off his boots and entered the house. He came back out with a carrot, a couple of pieces of coal and a scarf.
"I'll put the scarf on TJ, but you have to do the eyes and the nose." Jack said.
"I can't reach." TJ complained.
"Here mom, take these and help him put the face on." Jack said handing the carrot and coal to Kate.
"Would you do it so I can take pictures?" Kate asked.
"You sure? I don't want to intrude on your moment." Jack said.
"You aren't intruding, you're making my little boy happier than he's ever been so go on, get busy, give that poor snowman a face." Kate insisted.
Jack picked the child up and carried him over to the snowman. He showed him where to put the coal and help him make sure the pieces of coal stayed in place and then they shoved the carrot in together laughing at how big it was.
"Okay you two, pose beside the snowman for me." Kate ordered after taking shot after shot of them putting the face on.
Jack squatted down and sat TJ on his knee. TJ leaned back into Jack grinning from ear to ear and Kate snapped the picture.
"Okay, now it's my turn to take pictures." Jack said.
He took a few pictures of TJ and Kate with the snowman and one of the two of them cheek to check with the mountain in the background.
"You feeling okay TJ? Do you want to go inside?" Jack asked.
"No, I feel good." TJ insisted making Kate smile.
Jack walked back inside the cabin and came back out with a sled.
"Jack I don't think we should…." Kate started to protest.
"It'll be fine Kate. You guys climb on and I'll pull it up the hill. You have to let him sled down the hill at least once Kate." Jack pushed.
Kate agreed and wasn't sorry she did. She sat on the sled with TJ and listen to him laugh and giggle all the way down the hill. After the first trip up the hill Kate felt safe enough to let TJ ride up the hill by himself while Jack pulled the sled. They continued to play in the snow until TJ started showing signs of fatigue and then finally ask if they could go inside.
They went back into the cabin and Jack built a fire while Kate changed herself and TJ into warm, dry clothes. The sun was going down and TJ was worn out and becoming cranky. Jack did another quick exam and could tell TJ was starting to hurt again. He injected the antibiotic and a dose of the pain medication and put him back on the oxygen. They gave him his coloring books and made the couch into a bed. He was asleep 30 minutes later.
Jack made them some sandwiches, grabbed a couple of bottles of water and joined her in front of the fire.
"Here, you need to eat. He's asleep so you don't have to feel guilty." Jack said sweetly.
They ate their sandwiches and then relaxed. Jack grabbed a bunch of pillows off of the furniture in the room and they laid down together, side by side, him spooned around her from behind, holding her close, both watching the fire, neither speaking. She finally rolled over to talk to him.
"Hey." He said.
"Hey yourself. This fire is wonderful, I could go to sleep." Kate said.
"Go to sleep then. I like to watch you sleep." Jack said.
She placed her hands on either side of his face and pulled him into a kiss, a deep, lingering kiss that he finally deepened, rolling her onto her back and holding her close, his mouth moving slowly over hers in a sweet, passionate, kiss that was so emotional it caught both of them by surprise. He pulled back a little allowing their foreheads to touch, both breathing a little harder than they were a minute ago.
"Make love to me Jack." She whispered softly.
"I don't think that's a good idea Kate? You're very emotional right now." Jack reasoned.
"You're right I am emotional, but those emotions are not what's driving my desire to be with you." Kate said.
"Kate, this is a very confusing time for you and I don't want to add to your confusion." Jack continued to resist even though physically he was ready to give in.
"You are the most compassionate man I've ever met and you gave me and my son the most normal day we've had since he got sick. Right now you're thinking I'm feeling like I should sleep with you because you've been so nice to me, but you're wrong Jack. The one thing I'm not confused about is you. I feel so close to you right now that wanting you feels like the most natural thing in the world. Do you feel it Jack?" Kate asked.
"Yes." Jack answered in a breathy tone and began kissing her again.