You heartfelt reviews were a pleasure to read. Thank you. I'm glad you are enjoying the story and I hope I haven't depressed anyone too much. I know it's been sad, but they say what doesn't kill us makes us stonger and I believe that to be true. Hopefully some happier times are just around the corner.
Jack looked at Kate and then back at Conner. She looked as though she was ready to bolt without giving him a chance to explain. He took Conner by the hand and walked him over to the bed where Kate was sitting up, clutching the comforter around her and looking more hurt than angry.
"Conner this is my friend Kate. Kate this is my son Conner." Jack said.
"Hi Kate. I hope you feel better today." Conner said sweetly, his father's natural charm oozing out of him.
Kate didn't speak, she nodded at the little boy and looked at Jack like she was ready to throw up. Jack knelt down in front of Conner.
"Hey bud, your breakfast is on the table and apparently your grandfather is coming to see us. Maybe you can talk him into taking you to school today." Jack said.
"But daddy, you promised it was just gonna be us." Conner whined.
"I know son and we are going to have our two days, we just have to wait a little longer. Now go eat before your eggs get cold." Jack told him.
Conner shot his dad his best disappointed look and once he was sure the knife was firmly embedded and twisted he left the room. Jack straightened up and sat on the edge of the bed. He put his hand up to her face and she slapped it away. He dropped both hands into his lap and sighed heavily.
"You have every right to feel betrayed Kate, but please believe that was never my intention." Jack said.
"Betrayed? Jesus Jack, you didn't think that mentioning that you have a son was important? Do you have a wife you conveniently forgot to mention as well?" Kate asked hatefully and started to move off of the bed.
"Kate now isn't the time to talk about this stuff." Jack told her.
"You're right Jack. I don't even care why you chose to lie to me about who you are. I don't care about anything right now except figuring out what day it is." Kate said.
"It's Monday." Jack said.
"I slept through yesterday? Why am I in your house and where are my clothes?" Kate asked and looked down at the oversized t-shirt she was wearing.
"You were very out of it yesterday and you threw up all over yourself. I washed your clothes. They're over there in the chair." Jack said.
"So you kept me so drugged I couldn't take care of myself?" Kate asked.
"Yeah Kate I did. You were crazy and who could blame you." Jack said.
"I want to go home. Where did they take TJ? I need to make arrangements for him." Kate asked.
"Kate, please don't take this on by yourself." Jack pleaded.
"I'm fine Jack. Alone works for me because I know I'll never deceive myself. So, just tell me where TJ is and I'll get out of your house and your life." Kate told him.
"At least let me call someone Kate. Do you have family close by or a friend I can call?" Jack asked.
"What part of alone did you not get Jack? Other than my cancer family from the hospital, I've pretty much been flying solo since I moved to Los Angeles and that's the way I prefer it." Kate said and stepped out of the bed. He grabbed her wrist and she turned on him.
"Kate please don't leave. Let me help you with this." Jack continued to plead with her as she jerked away from him.
"I do not want your help and I do not want you to ever touch me again Jack. Are we communicating now?" Kate asked.
"Loud and clear. Help yourself to the shower if you want, towels are in the bathroom cabinet. I'll be downstairs. I'll write down the name of the funeral home and call you a cab." Jack said and walked out of the room.
Jack was halfway down the stairs when the doorbell rang. His father was the last thing he wanted to deal with today, but he'd received his text message saying he was on his way and didn't bother replying and telling him to stay away.
Jack opened the front door and turned away, walking toward the kitchen. He didn't bother to say hello or invite his father in. He knew he'd come in whether he was invited or not and was actually surprised he'd bothered to ring the doorbell. Christian followed Jack into the kitchen where Conner was finishing his breakfast at the bar while watching cartoons on a small television. The boy looked up from the cartoons and smiled.
"Hi Grandpa!" Conner chimed happily, jumping down from his chair and making his way over to Christian.
"Hey kiddo." Christian said as he picked him up and hugged him and then set him back down.
"Can you drive me to school Grandpa? Daddy is busy with that lady." Conner informed him.
Christian looked at Jack and Jack glared back at him, daring him to say anything even remotely disparaging.
"We need to talk son." Christian said, a demand more than a request.
"I'm not in the mood dad." Jack mumbled and poured himself a cup of coffee.
"Conner, go get ready for school and let me talk to your dad for a minute." Christian told the boy.
"Will you drive me grandpa?" Conner asked.
"Yes and if it's okay with your dad I'll pick you up and you can come hang out with me at the hospital." Christian said.
"Can I daddy?" Conner asked.
"No." Jack said.
"But why dad?" Conner whined.
"I said no Conner, now go get ready for school." Jack said firmly.
"But dad." Conner continued to whine.
"Conner no, one more word and you're going to be in trouble. Go brush your teeth and get ready for school." Jack demanded.
"I hate you! You're a liar and you're mean!" Conner screamed and ran out of the room.
"That wasn't very productive son. Just because you're angry with me, you shouldn't take it out on him." Christian preached.
"He doesn't need to be hanging out at the hospital dad. If you'd like to do something normal with him like take him to a ball game or a movie or the park he's all yours, otherwise I'll make arrangements to have him picked up." Jack said.
"So you're planning on working today?" Christian asked sarcastically.
"As soon as I tie up some loose ends here I plan on going to work. Why?" Jack asked.
"I don't know Jack, you passed up being honored by your peers for a roll in the sheets with some waitress so I guess I'm just wondering where your head is at these days." Christian commented.
"Dad, you have no idea what I've been doing the last few days, but trust me, it was much more important than showing up in a monkey suit to receive an award in front of a bunch of self-absorbed physicians who congratulate me to my face and then behind my back suggest that the only reason I was recognized was because I'm your son." Jack said.
"I'm aware of what you've been up to Jack. News travels fast through the hospital grapevine. You just can't help yourself can you? You've always got to try to save the world don't you? What did it get you son? Was it worth it?" Christian asked.
Jack was silent and allowed the past few days to run through his mind, the moments with Kate and being allowed be a part of the pure joy a four year old got just from seeing snow and from throwing his first snowball and building his first snow man and taking his first ride on a sled. He thought about all of it and smiled.
"Yeah it was worth it dad. I'd do it again in a heartbeat." Jack said.
Kate walked into the kitchen, dressed and ready to leave.
"I'm sorry to intrude, but do you have that information written down?" Kate asked.
"Just a second, let me call you a cab." Jack said.
"No, I'll just walk and catch a bus." Kate said.
"The hell you will, damn it Kate, at least let me get you home safely." Jack demanded.
"Fine, you can take me home. I'll go wait in the car." Kate said.
"I'm very sorry for loss Kate, I had no idea you were dealing with so much." Christian told her, taking hold of her hand and patting the top of it.
"It was just the son of 'some waitress' so no great loss to society right Dr. Shephard?" Kate shot back at him hatefully obviously having overheard his comments to Jack.
Christian had no come back for that and Jack noticed that he didn't even appear to be ashamed that she'd pretty much pegged his feelings on the matter and Jack understood completely. His father would never wish ill will on any child, but apparently he felt that Kate wasn't good enough for his son, not in a serious way anyway and that was what this current beef was all about. Not about missing the all important dinner, not about getting involved in someone's tragedy, but about the idea that his son was carrying on with a woman he considered worthy of being a play thing, but never a doctor's wife.
"I guess she told you." Jack said sarcastically as he scribbled something on the back of one of his business cards.
"Jack one of these days you are going to figure it out." Christian said.
"Figure what out?" Jack asked in an annoyed tone.
"Women and which ones you enjoy and which ones you marry. A woman like your mother will always support you and your career Jack, a woman like Kate will always hold you back." Christian explained.
"And Emily, what kind of woman was she dad?" Jack asked.
"That doesn't really matter now does it Jack?" Christian commented just as Conner entered the room, standing beside his grandfather, glaring at his father.
Jack knelt down in front of Conner, straightened his shirt collar and retied one of his shoes. He kissed him on the cheek and hugged him.
"Have a good day. I love you even when you're mad at me." Jack told him as he felt Conner refuse to hug him back and watched the boy wipe his kiss off his cheek.
"If I promise not to expose him to the hospital can I pick him up from school and spend some time with my grandson?" Christian asked.
"Do you want to spend the day with your grandpa?" Jack asked the boy.
"Yes." Conner mumbled.
"Yes what?" Jack reminded.
"Yes please and thank you." Conner replied.
"Does that mean I can have a hug now?" Jack teased the boy.
Conner approached him and Jack picked him and hugged him tightly, feeling the boy's small arms returning the hug.
"I don't really hate you daddy." Conner said softly in his father's ear.
"I know, now have a good day at school and keep your grandpa in line." Jack told him.
Christian watched the two of them, remembering a time when his relationship with Jack was that pure and simple.
"Your mother will want to see him, so plan on us feeding him dinner and then I'll bring him home." Christian said.
"You'll be having nothing but milk, tea or water with dinner of course." Jack said.
"Of course." Christian answered sharing a knowing almost guilty look with his son.
Jack walked out with them, waving goodbye to his son one last time before seating himself inside his car. He turned to look at her, gently placing his hand on her leg.
"Kate…" Jack tried, but was cut off immediately.
"Go to hell Jack. Either drive me home in silence or I'm walking." Kate said as she violently moved his hand off of her leg.
Jack didn't argue with her. She was an emotional wreck and probably believed that if he lied to her about having a son everything else was a lie as well. Add in that his father basically suggested that she was white trash not worthy of being more than a fling to Jack and he considered himself lucky to still have his balls. They drove in silence to her house. He pulled into the driveway and sighed.
"You shouldn't have to walk in there alone. I know you're upset with me, but it's too much to deal with alone Kate." Jack tried to reason with her.
"I'd rather be alone than living a lie. You lied to me Jack and I don't want to be around you. Is that direct enough for you to understand
?" Kate asked.
Jack nodded and handed her the business card he'd scribbled the name of the funeral home on.
"What's this? Am I supposed to call you if I need to be drugged again?" Kate asked sarcastically.
"No, the name of the funeral home that has TJ is on the back. You've made it clear that you're not interested in being anywhere near me and I don't blame you, but are you sure you won't let me drive you there? I'll keep my distance." Jack asked his tone calm.
"I'm sure Jack. Look, I appreciate what you did for TJ. I'll always be grateful for that, but it's over now and you can go back to your perfect life in the suburbs. Goodbye Jack." Kate said and let herself out of the car before he had a chance to respond.
Jack went to work and put Kate out of his mind by throwing himself into it 150 percent. Later that afternoon he was sitting at his desk attacking a pile of paperwork when his phone rang, which aggravated him because he'd asked that his calls be held. He picked the phone up on the 3rd ring.
"Jack Shephard." He said.
"Dr. Shephard this is Carol. I know you asked that your calls be held, but they say it is an emergency." She said.
"It's okay Carol, put it through." Jack said.
Jack waited for a few seconds and man, speaking with deep concern came on the line.
"Dr. Shephard this is Daryl Martin from Martin Bros. Funeral Home. We have a client who is in quite a bit of distress. She keeps mumbling that she needs Jack and she had this business card clutched in her hand and your first name is Jack so I thought I'd take a chance you might be the Jack she's asking for." He explained.
"What happened, what do you mean distress?" Jack asked.
"Sir, I don't want to discuss it over the phone, but if you can't come I'll have to call for an ambulance." The man asked.
"An ambulance?" Jack asked in a somewhat panicked tone.
"I can't calm her down, I can't communicate with her. I've been trying to help her for the past hour doctor and I'm concerned about her. Are you coming or not?" The man said.
"Yes, of course. I'll be there as soon as I can." Jack said.
Jack left the hospital, not overly frightened, but saddened. He knew Kate was going to fall apart and because he handled things so badly she was falling apart alone. Nobody should have to plan their child's funeral and they certainly should never be expected to do it alone.
He pulled into the parking lot of the funeral home and entered the facility. A man who looked to be in his early 30s approached him.
"Dr. Shephard?" He asked.
"It's Jack. Where is she?" Jack replied.
"She's back here. She was holding up fairly well all things considered until we brought her back to our casket display room and I guess it was too much for her." The man explained as he led Jack down a hallway and opened the door for him.
Jack took one look at the scene in the room and felt his own tears welling up. Kate was sitting on the floor draped over a small casket mumbling incoherently, eyes swollen, face tear-streaked, and her body trembling, looking weak and thin.
"I'll take it from here. Thank you for calling me." Jack said.
"Thank you for coming and take as much time as you need." The man said.
Jack watched the door close and looked around remembering the last time he'd been in a similar room. He walked over to where Kate was draped over the casket and squatted down in front of her.
"Is this the one you want?" He asked sweetly.
Up until that moment Kate wasn't aware that he was in the room. She looked at him, shaking uncontrollably from head to toe and let loose of a fresh river of tears. He pulled her into his arms and then stood up, picking her up and carrying her out of the depressing atmosphere of wall-to-wall caskets and into another room, the Arrangement Room. This was where she had obviously been sitting before she broke down in the casket room because her purse was on the couch, along with the catalogs of flowers, vaults and caskets. He sat her down on the couch, but she wouldn't turn loose of him, her arms wrapped so tightly around his neck it was choking him.
"Kate, you can let go. I'm not going anywhere, I promise." He said.
She wouldn't speak and if anything the grip she had on him grew tighter. He finally scooped her into his arms again and sat down with her in his lap, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, her head resting on his shoulder. She buried her face in his neck and continued to sob.
"I can't do this. I need you. I admit it. I'm sorry I got so angry at you." She cried, so distraught he had a hard time understanding her.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for. It's all on me Kate, but let's not worry about that right now. Let's focus on taking care of TJ and taking care of you." Jack told her.
"They won't let me see him. I want to hold him one more time Jack. Why can't I hold him one more time?" Kate asked.
"It's not a good idea Kate. He's not the same and it would just make all of this that much more unbearable." Jack tried to explain without being overly graphic.
"What do you mean he's not the same?" Kate asked.
"Kate, you held him when it mattered the most. He had to die and that's so unfair there are no words to describe it, but he wasn't afraid. He died while being held in the warmth and safety of his mother's arms, feeling all of the love you had for him. Hold onto that Kate and remember how he felt in your arms and let that be enough. Please trust me on this." Jack pleaded with her.
"I want to, but how can go on knowing I'm never going to hold my son again, smell him or feel his warm breath on my neck. Oh god Jack, I can't take this. I don't want to. Please help me make it stop hurting so much." Kate cried her face still buried in his neck.
His own tears finally escaped, the depth of her pain and his inability to do anything to relieve it making him hurt for her, making him wish he could take some of it and put it on himself and feeling completely useless and helpless knowing that he couldn't. He quickly regained control of his emotions, knowing that the kindest thing he could do for her was to be strong and allow her to be as weak and needy as she needed to be and just continue to be there for her, genuinely caring for and about her.
He held onto her, easing her face away from his neck, but allowing her to keep her head close to his chest. His head was bent down talking softly to her, holding a small blue pill in his hand.
"Kate, I want you to take this for me. Will you do that?" He asked.
"What is it?" She asked.
"It's valium, just a very light dosage. Right now you are so sad you have to remind yourself to breathe. This will help take some of that edge off, make the sadness a little less suffocating." Jack told her.
"Will it put me to sleep?" Kate asked.
"It will allow you to relax so you can go to sleep if you want to, but no it's nothing like what I gave you at the cabin." Jack assured her.
The man handed Jack a bottle of water and Kate took the pill from him. She put it in her mouth and drank some of the water before laying her head back on his chest, one arm draped around his neck and the other draped over his stomach. He held tightly to her with his left arm and picked up one of the catalogs with his right hand.
"No, I don't want to look at that again. Please stop asking me to pick out a casket for my son. Please make them stop talking about picking out a cemetery plot. They are going to put my baby in the ground Jack does it really matter which piece of ground? I can't do this." She cried.
"Yes you can, just not alone. I'm going to help you make all these choices and then we are going to go pick out a plot and then I'll take you home and stay with you for as long as you need me to. Okay?" Jack prodded her slowly.
"I can't go home. I can't look at his empty bedroom and his toys and his clothes." Kate objected.
"Then I'll take you to my house. These flowers are nice, what do you think?" He said softly, cautiously as he held the picture from the catalog in front of her.
Without lifting her head she glanced at the picture of the casket spray he was showing her.
"The flowers have to be yellow and blue. His favorite colors were yellow and blue." Kate insisted.
Jack looked at the funeral director and he nodded in the affirmative and began writing things down. Kate and Jack sat together on the couch and picked out a vault and a casket and a few more flower arrangements. They decided on just a private graveside service involving a select group of friends Kate had made during TJ's cancer battle. Jack thanked the man and walked her out to the car. She was much calmer and they drove in silence to the cemetery, picked out a plot and drove back to his house.
He walked her into his home and showed her around. He doubted she'd remember any of it, but was trying to make her as comfortable as possible. He showed her the guestroom and the guest bath and she became anxious, her eyes showing how uneasy and almost scared she was.
"What's wrong Kate?" He asked.
"Is your room close to this one?" She asked and he understood.
He looked down the long hallway to the curve that led to another hall that eventually led to the master bedroom.
"You know you're more than welcome to stay with me Kate. I'm giving you the option of having some space, a place to be alone if you need to be." He told her.
"No, it's okay Jack. You have a young child in the house that would be confused. It's okay. This room is fine." Kate said.
"He wouldn't be confused. Come on, you look like you need to lie down." Jack told her and led her down the hallway to his bedroom.
She sat on the foot of his bed and looked around. She vaguely remembered waking up in the room earlier, but most of the day was becoming a blur to her. She felt achy and tired and sticky and she wasn't sure why sticky, but Jack had noticed it too while he was holding her. He could smell something sweet, like she'd spilled a soft drink all over herself and maybe changed her clothes, but didn't bother to wash the stickiness off of her skin.
"Do you care if I take a bath Jack?" Kate asked.
"No, go ahead. There's a Jacuzzi tub in the master bath. I don't ever use it, but Conner thinks it's pretty great. Your stuff from the cabin is still in my trunk, I'll go get it." Jack told her and pointed her in the right direction.
He went outside and pulled her suitcase out of his trunk. It fell open and TJ's coat and jeans fell onto the ground. He put everything back in the suitcase and put it back in the trunk, deciding that divulging that women had left their panties at his house on occasion and he kept them in case they wanted them back and they were clean and she could wear them couldn't freak her out any more than finding out he had a child. Anything would be better than allowing her to see the contents of that suitcase he was sure of that.
He went back inside the house and upstairs to his bedroom. The bathroom door was open so he called out just to make sure she hadn't gone under.
"You doing okay in there?" Jack asked.
When she didn't answer he grew concerned and entered the bathroom. She was sitting in the Jacuzzi tub, knees pulled up to her chest, head down and crying. She was such a mess and he was genuinely concerned about her physical well-being as well as her emotional state. He kneeled beside the tub and placed his hand on her back lightly.
"Hey, I'm going to go downstairs and make you something to eat. Do you need me to help you finish up in here first?" He asked in a soft, soothing tone.
"I'm not hungry." She argued.
"Just a little something Kate, please. Anything you want." He coaxed.
"Do you have ice cream?" She asked.
"Yes, is that what you want?" He asked.
"Yeah, my throat feels really raw and sore." She said.
"Okay, one bowl of ice cream coming up." He said and stood to leave.
"Jack." She said.
"Yeah." He replied.
"Will you stay here until I'm done?" She asked.
"Sure." He said and relaxed on the floor beside the tub.
After a few minutes of her not moving, he turned around, went up onto his knees, grabbed the bath sponge and began sponging the water over her shoulders and back, the hot water soothing her and making her sleepy. Deciding she was as relaxed as he was going to get her, he put the sponge up, pulled the plug and helped her stand up. He wrapped a towel around her and helped her step out of the tub. He pointed to the pile of clean women's panties and told her to help herself to any of the shirts in his closet while he went and got her some ice cream.
He brought the ice cream back, but only managed to get her to eat about five bites before she began refusing. She looked tired and sad and defeated and he wished he could make her feel better, but he knew he couldn't.
"I think I'd like to lie down." Kate said.
Jack pulled the bed coverings back and motioned for her climb in.
"Will you lay down with me?" She asked.
He took his shoes off, changed out of his slacks and dress shirt and into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and crawled into the bed with her. He lay on his back and let her snuggle up next to him, head on his chest and arm draped over his abdomen. Her body felt relaxed next to his.
"Jack, why do you have a pile of women's underwear in your house?" She asked. Had the situation not been so sad he was certain he would've chuckled.
"Well it's not because I like to wear them. It's also just a few pairs not a pile and how a woman can leave without her underwear has always been a mystery to me, but as you can see, it happens." Jack answered.
"But you don't have a wife hidden away some place?" Kate asked.
"My wife died when Conner was six months old." Jack admitted.
"I'm sorry, that must've been very difficult." She said.
"Thanks, yeah it was. It's just been me and him since. He's five, but will quickly let you know that he's almost six even though his birthday isn't for another two months." Jack told her.
"Why didn't you tell me any of this Jack? I don't understand why you wouldn't have at least mentioned that you had a child? Why would you lie to me like that?" Kate asked.
"I wasn't lying Kate, I just wasn't being completely honest. There just never seemed like an appropriate time to bring it up." Jack said.
"So what, you thought since my son was dying I would be jealous that yours isn't? Is that what you think of me Jack?" Kate asked still very hurt by his silence on the matter.
"No. I was going to tell you Kate, but everything happened so fast and you were dealing with so much and hell who am I kidding. I'm so bad at this that I was realistically just too ashamed to talk to you about Conner." Jack admitted.
"Ashamed? Why?" Kate asked.
"Because while I've been spending my days trying to figure out who I could pawn my son off on next you've been doing everything you could just to have one more day with yours. You're everything a parent should be and I've been in awe of you. I'm sorry Kate. I never meant to keep Conner a secret, it just played out that way." Jack explained.
"Why do pawn your son off on people Jack?" Kate asked.
"I don't know, but this isn't the time to discuss my inadequacies as a father. Are you feeling any better?" He asked.
"I can share the most painful, intimate moment of my life with you, but you can't give me anything in return?" Kate asked.
"Kate, I'll share anything you want, but this isn't the time to make anything about me. I'm so worried about you. I can't imagine what you're going through and I wish I could do something to ease your pain." Jack told her.
Kate propped herself up, both forearms resting on his chest, looking directly at him.
"I think you have a pretty good idea of what I'm going through. Knowing that you're a widower explains a lot, helps me understand how you seemed to know how to react, how you seemed to almost be able to relate to the pain. I know it's not the same Jack, but losing a spouse and losing a child have to run a close race as far as the devastation it causes. It probably sounds a little weird, but it makes me feel closer to you than I already did and it makes me feel like I have a real partner in this because you've been there and you understand what it truly means to have your heart broken." She said, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks.
He rolled her onto her back, and wiped the fresh tears away before kissing her softly.
"Shattered." He said softly.
"What?" She asked.
"My heart, it was shattered, just as yours is right now." Jack admitted.
"But it's not shattered anymore?" Kate asked.
"I'd be lying if I said time heals all wounds, but the pain gets easier to deal with." He answered.
"Do you believe in heaven Jack?" She asked.
"I don't know what I believe Kate, but if there is a heaven I know Emily was waiting with open arms for TJ because all she ever wanted was to be a mother, already pregnant with our second child when she died. I'm not saying that to be cliché or just to make you feel better. I'm saying that because I believe it. If all that stuff really exists, I know she'd be knocking all the other angels out of the way to get to him and make sure he's safe and loved and happy." Jack told her, his voice cracking as he fought his emotions, revealing a somewhat spiritual, lighter side to him she never would've imagined existed.
"Thank you." She whispered and began crying again.
He kissed her again and hugged her, rolling back onto his back and bringing her with him, holding her close, letting her cry for as long as she needed to or until she wore out, whichever came first. He let his hand glide slowly over her in a soothing manner, his fingers gliding lightly over her arm and shoulder onto her back, making small circles and the repeating the process. His movements eventually lulled both of them to sleep.