He could hear his name being called lightly and could feel her pushing on his shoulder, but his tired brain wanted to believe it was a dream and was refusing to push him into consciousness. Her voice got louder and the pushing became more intense and his eyes popped open, startled and confused.
"What? What's wrong?" Jack asked sleepily.
"You need to answer your phone." Kate told him.
He rolled toward the nightstand beside the bed and picked up his phone. It had 3 missed calls, a new voice mail and a new text message. They were all from his dad. He read the text message telling him he'd bring Conner home around 8 PM and replied to it so he'd know he got it. He dropped the phone back on the nightstand and rolled back toward the center of the bed.
"Sorry, I guess I must've been sleeping pretty hard." He said his voice still sounding sleepy.
"Is everything okay?" She asked lying flat on her back staring at the ceiling.
"Yeah, it was just my dad letting me know what time he was bringing Conner home." Jack said.
She moved next to him, getting as close to him without crawling inside his clothes as she could. He wrapped both arms around her and kissed the top of her head.
"You're trembling, are you cold?" He asked.
"A little." She said.
He rolled them onto their sides so they were facing each other and pulled the heavy comforter over both of them. She wrapped her arms around his neck and moved closer until their bodies were pressed together, their heads resting side by side on the pillow, their faces less than 3 inches apart. She kissed him gently and then pulled back.
"Thank you Jack, for everything. I'm not feeling so crazy anymore. I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now, but at least I feel more like me instead of some person standing on the outside watching me." Kate said.
"You've suffered a terrible loss Kate, I think you'll find that you're going to run the gamut of emotions for a while." He said.
"I can't keep clinging to you, I know that. I'm really scared right now and you make it not seem so scary." She told him her lips quivering as she fought her emotions.
"The idea of putting someone you love into the ground and saying goodbye forever is a pretty scary thing to think about. You hang on for as long as you need to, I don't mind." Jack said softly.
"Jack." She said.
"Yeah." He replied.
"Can we go see TJ tomorrow, make sure he looks okay?" Kate asked.
"Yes, of course." Jack said.
"It's going to be awful isn't it?" Kate asked.
"What?" Jack asked.
"Seeing my little boy in a casket." Kate said.
"Yeah so if you feel like you need to fall go ahead because I'll be there to catch you." Jack said softly.
She moved in and kissed him again, a deep, caring emotional kiss that under less depressing circumstances would've led to sex, but he pulled back before things got that heated, hugging her close to him, allowing her to feel his strong arms and hands wrapped protectively over her, knowing he couldn't ease her fears, but doing his best to let her know he understood them. They stayed cuddled up together under the comforter and fell back into a deep, peaceful sleep, the events of the past few days having exhausted both of them.
Conner crawled onto the bed quietly, not wanting to wake his dad, but not wanting to let him sleep either. Jack had been more neglectful of Conner over the past week than usual, not that Jack ever neglected his son, his health and well-being always his top priority, but he struggled with making time for Conner his top priority and over the past week the amount of time he'd actually spent with son could probably be measured in mere hours and Conner's five year old mind was to the point where it was craving, demanding his father give him some attention.
"I'm home daddy." Conner said in his "inside voice" while tugging on Jack's arm.
Jack woke up immediately and rolled onto his back nearly knocking the child over. He put a steadying arm around the child and pulled him closer.
"Hey buddy. I'm sorry. I meant to be awake when you got home." Jack said as he gently moved his hand over Conner's back.
"That's okay dad, grandpa had a key and he brought me upstairs." Conner said making Jack glance toward his bedroom door.
Christian was leaning on the door frame giving him the look of disapproval Jack had learned to recognize and dread by the time he was ten years old.
"I'll get up and you can tell me about your day." Jack said and sat up.
"Is she still sick daddy?" Conner asked pointing at Kate who was beginning to stir.
"She's just really sad right now." Jack said and eased out of the bed reaching out for his son.
"I'm going to go put my stuff in my room dad. Can I have some ice cream after my bath?" Conner asked.
"Yes, let me go say goodnight to your grandfather and I'll be up to run your bath water." Jack said, wiping a hand over his face in an attempt to wake up fully.
Conner jumped off the bed and ran toward the bedroom door with his backpack.
"Don't run Conner and tell grandpa goodbye." Jack told him.
Conner stopped and Christian kneeled down and gave the boy a hug. Conner kissed him on the cheek and told him goodbye and took off down the hallway toward his bedroom. Jack walked past Christian and stopped.
"Thanks for keeping him today dad. Come on I'll walk you to the door." Jack said, his voice clearly signaling that he was too tired to fight with him.
Christian followed him down the stairs and grabbed him by the shoulder before he had a chance to open the front door. Jack turned to face him. His jaw clenched and ready for whatever condescending remark was about to come his way.
"Jack, what are you doing?" Christian asked.
"She just lost her son dad and she's completely alone or at least she would've been. I guess I should thank you. Your butting in where you shouldn't actually worked out in my favor this time." Jack told him.
"You're serious aren't you? You're actually falling for that woman." Christian said.
"I don't want to talk about Kate with you. Okay dad. I just want to say goodnight and go spend a couple of hours with my son." Jack grumbled.
"Fine son, we'll have lunch tomorrow." Christian said.
"I don't know if I'll be in tomorrow. I'm thinking about taking some time off." Jack said.
Christian looked at him, realizing that saying anything right now would be nonproductive and just patted him on the shoulder.
"Goodnight Jack. Call me when you think you're ready to stop destroying your career and we'll talk." Christian said in his typical disapproving fatherly tone and let himself out.
Jack shut the door a little too hard, and walked back toward the stairs.
Meanwhile, upstairs Conner had collected his pajamas, his bath toys and a stuffed animal and had dragged it all into Jack's bedroom. Kate was awake, lying on her side watching the little boy carry his bath toys into the bathroom and then lay his pajamas on the bed. He then crawled up onto the bed with the stuffed animal and sat in front of her on his knees.
"Hey." Kate said and smiled at him.
"Daddy said you're sad." Conner said.
"Yeah I guess I am." Kate said.
"How come you're so sad?" Conner asked.
"I miss my little boy." Kate answered the child's innocent, direct question.
"Where is he?" Conner asked.
"Heaven." Kate answered, her lips quivering as she tried to control the tears that were escaping.
"Don't cry Kate. My mom is in heaven and Aunt Jenna says it's a happy place so I bet your little boy is happy." Conner told her.
"Are you sure you're only five?" Kate asked, smiling at how mature and articulate he was.
"I'm almost six. Maybe you can come to my birthday party if you're feeling better." Conner said making her smile again as she remembered Jack telling her that he would remind anyone that asked that he was almost six.
"I think I would like that Conner." Kate said.
"This is Ziggy." Conner said holding the stuffed kangaroo out to her.
"What is this for?" Kate asked.
"When I'm sad or scared I like to sleep with my dad too, but when he's too busy or on trips I sleep with Ziggy. You can hold Ziggy until my daddy can come back and sleep with you if you want." Conner told her.
Jack was standing in the doorway watching his son's natural compassion toward Kate, the part about being too busy to hold him when he's scared or sad feeling like a punch in the stomach. His son was so smart and intuitive and he was missing out on entirely too much of his life and he wished he could've realized this without having to be smacked in the face and woke up by watching someone lose their child.
"Hey buddy, you ready for your bath?" Jack asked.
"Yes, can I have bubbles?" Conner asked.
"If we use bubbles you can't turn the jets on or we'll have bubbles all over the bathroom." Jack reminded him.
"I know dad, but if I use bubbles I don't have to use soap." Conner reminded him making him smile.
"I don't know about that son, you're pretty stinky. What did you and grandpa do today?" Jack asked.
"Grandpa had to go to work, I stayed with grandma and played in the backyard." Conner told him.
"You didn't mess up her flowers did you?" Jack asked.
"Not all of them." Conner giggled making Jack laugh lightly, the image of Conner purposely pulling up her precious, precisely placed flowers and rearranging them for her to find later making him want to high five his son, the orneriness of it cracking him up.
"Come on, let's go get in the tub and let Kate rest." Jack told him still chuckling over the flowers.
"Do you want to hold Ziggy?" Conner asked.
"Sure." Kate said, smiling at the boy and taking the stuffed toy from him.
Conner leaned in and kissed Kate on the cheek.
"I'm sorry you're sad Kate." Conner said and scooted off the bed.
Kate cuddled the Kangaroo and watched Jack corral the child into the bathroom. She listened to him run the bath water while Conner talked nonstop about what he did at school and what they were doing at school tomorrow. The water stopped and she heard the boy playing in the water, still talking to Jack as though he had to get everything in that he could while he had the chance.
"Grandpa gave me the note from your teacher." Jack said.
"Am I in trouble?" Conner asked.
"I guess that depends on why you pushed Tony down." Jack said.
"He's mean dad. He was picking on Danny." Conner said.
"Is Danny smaller than Tony?" Jack asked.
"Danny has these things on his legs and what are those stick things called that you walk with?" Conner asked.
"Crutches." Jack answered.
"Yeah, crutches. His kind of wrap around his arms and we help him and stuff, but Tony likes to try to make him fall down." Conner said.
"Did he make Danny fall down today?" Jack asked.
"Yes and it really made me mad so I punched him and pushed him down. Am I in trouble?" Conner asked.
"No and I'm proud of you for sticking up for Danny, but the school has rules and you broke them so I can't do anything about you missing your play time the rest of the week." Jack said.
"How come Tony isn't in trouble?" Conner asked.
"Unfortunately son the Tonys of the world often get away with misbehaving, but you're doing fine. Sometimes doing the right thing means breaking the rules. Was it worth it?" Jack asked.
"Huh?" Conner asked.
"Would you do it again? Stick up for Danny?" Jack asked.
"I don't know. I don't think about it. I just do it." Conner answered making Jack smile.
"So Tony does this a lot huh?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, he's pretty mean dad." Conner said.
"Maybe I'll come inside and talk to your teacher when I take you to school tomorrow." Jack said.
"You're going to take me to school?" Conner asked the excitement in his voice making Jack feel guilty.
"Yeah, and I'm picking you up too." Jack said.
"Can we go eat lunch at the games place?" Conner asked.
"I have some things to help Kate with tomorrow son, but I'll try. Okay?" Jack asked.
"She can come too daddy." Conner offered.
"We'll see. Are you ready to get out?" Jack asked.
"No, I want to play." Conner said.
"Okay, I'll be in the bedroom. Yell when you're ready." Jack said.
Jack walked into the bedroom and lay down on the bed beside Kate. She held the Kangaroo up and smiled.
"Ziggy?" Kate asked deciding Jack had come up with the name.
"Yeah, he's go so many of those damn things I run out of ideas for names. Ziggy was always a fun cartoon to read." Jack said with a half smile.
"That's sweet that you help him name his stuffed animals. You and your son seem to have a wonderful relationship Jack, I'm not sure I'm buying the idea that you are a bad father.
"I never said I was a bad father, I'm just not as attentive as I should be, don't make enough time for him, but that's going to change. I should know that my son has a classmate with special needs shouldn't I?" Jack asked.
"Yes you should probably know as much about his classmates and friends as possible. Should he be in the bathtub by himself?" Kate asked.
"He's fine. He just needs me to lift him out because the tub is so deep. He used to refuse, but one time he slipped while he had one leg thrown over the side and well as you can imagine he cried for a long time." Jack told her, grimacing at the memory of his son crushing the family jewels on the edge of the Jacuzzi tub.
"He's a beautiful child Jack." Kate said.
"Thanks. Would care to join us downstairs for ice cream or anything at all I could convince you to eat?" Jack asked.
"I think I would like that and I think I could eat something." Kate said noticing the look of relief rush over his face and still a bit overwhelmed by how much he cared, but thankful that he did.
Jack helped Conner out of the tub and helped him dry off and put his pajamas on. He walked out of the bathroom and over to Kate who had gotten up and slipped her jeans on under the t-shirt she was wearing and was sitting on the bed putting some socks on her feet. Conner took her by the hand and urged her to come with him.
They walked downstairs to the kitchen. Jack made a sandwich for himself and for Kate and scooped some ice cream onto a cone for Conner. They ate in the kitchen, Kate quietly watching the two of them, missing her son and silently aching to pull the adorable child into her lap and hug him. Jack noticed the way Kate was looking at Conner and felt his heart breaking for her all over again. They finished their food and entered the family room, making themselves comfortable on the large overstuffed couch that sat in front of a large flat screen television. Conner sat in-between them, wanting to be next to his dad, but also wanting the attention of daddy's new friend.
Conner's relentless interrogation of Kate while on the couch seemed to help get her mind off of her grief for the moment so Jack let it go on, assuming the boy would tire eventually. They put in one of Conner's favorite movies and before long Conner settled down, stopped talking and within 30 minutes was curled up next to Jack sound asleep. Jack was deep in thought, not paying attention to the movie he'd seen at least 15 times and hadn't noticed Conner had gone to sleep.
"Jack." Kate whispered, but loud enough that he could tell she was upset.
He turned his attention to her and Conner immediately.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Hold him Jack. He just needs you to hold him." Kate said as the tears streamed down her cheeks.
Jack looked at the sleeping child and back at her. She got up from the couch and left the room. He turned off the movie, picked Conner up and carried him upstairs to his bedroom, tucking him in and turning his nightlight on as he left the room. He walked down the two hallways to his bedroom and found her sitting on the bed.
"Tired?" He asked.
"Not really." She said.
"Want to go back downstairs?" He asked.
"No, I'm sorry Jack, I shouldn't have said that. I guess acting like a lunatic is the new me." Kate apologized as she stepped out of the jeans and slipped back into the bed.
Jack crawled across the bed, stacked two of the pillows, lay on his back and held his arm open so she could cuddle up next to him. Once she appeared to be comfortable he let his arm drop around her, grabbed the remote and turned the television on.
"Kate it's only been a couple of days and you aren't acting like a lunatic, but I will tell you that Conner is a very loving, affectionate child and it won't take him very long to warm up to you and if that bothers you or makes you sad or uncomfortable you need to tell me and I'll talk to him about it." Jack said.
"Don't you dare even think about stifling that child's natural instinct to care and show affection because of me, besides I have to go home eventually, it's not like I'm going to be here forever." Kate said.
"You can stay here as long as you want Kate." He said sweetly, giving her a gentle squeeze.
Kate turned onto her side and so did he. She held his face in her hands and kissed him just like she had earlier, pushing her body into his as the kiss grew more passionate. He finally pulled back looking into her eyes trying to understand what she needed from him.
He finally returned her affection, opening his mouth and covering hers, locking them in a deep, heartfelt, passionate kiss. His mind battling with whether or not this was inappropriate and then finally shutting his analytical brain off and going with the moment when he felt her hands move inside his shorts.
He pulled her hands away and put them around his neck and continued to kiss her, sliding a hand gently inside the t-shirt she was wearing and cupping one of her breasts. She broke the kiss and buried her face in his neck.
"I know I shouldn't want you right now, but you are keeping me sane, making me feel like I'm still alive even though I feel so dead inside. I do want you Jack, please make love to me." She said softly, desperately.
He was confused, wondering if this was the best way to help her and if his physical aching desire to help her this way made him some kind of lustful pig. He slowly tugged at her panties until they were down to her knees and she worked them the rest of the way off. He reengaged her in a kiss and moved his hand between her legs. She did want him, her center wet, her crease slippery and responding to his touch. He slid a finger down and easily penetrated her with it, letting go of a moan and reaching for the button on his shorts. He unbuttoned and unzipped his shorts and reached inside, pulling himself out through the opening, ready to give her the relief she was begging for. He lifted her leg over his hip and moved closer, pushing himself inside her, feeling her breath hitch while her walls clenched around him briefly. He began moving himself in and out of her slowly, trying to be as gentle as possible, her fragile emotional state almost as fragile as her body felt to him.
She became agitated with his gentlemanly conduct and rolled him onto his back, sitting up and forcing him in so deep he had to take a deep breath and get himself under control. She lifted her t-shirt up and off, taking hold of his hands and pulling until he sat up to face her. She lifted his t-shirt up and off and ran her hands over his chest, kissing him hungrily, keeping him trapped inside her. She pushed on him until he lay back again and she began rotating over him, sitting up straight and riding him, panting and working hard for a release. He rubbed her swollen bulb trying to help her over the edge, but she couldn't get there, getting more and more worked up and becoming angry as she continued bouncing up and down on him, so hard at one point he had to grab her hips and slow her down because he wasn't sure, but he thought maybe she'd broke his penis, the pain shooting this groin at that moment enough to make him violent had the circumstances not been what they were.
He finally stilled her and rolled her onto her back, staying inside her, allowing the pain she'd just inflicted on him to subside. He held her close, trying to calm her down, soothe her. He kissed her slowly and deeply, keeping their bodies touching and their hands clutching. He began moving in and out of her while talking softly to her.
"Shh, it's okay Kate, just let it go. It hurts less if you just let it hurt. What happened sucks and you have every right to be so angry and so sad that you want to hit and scream until people understand what it's like to feel as bad as you do. I understand babe. I care so much and I'll do anything for you. Let it go Kate, share it with me every day, 50 times a day if that's what it takes to get the pain to a manageable place." He encouraged and tried to focus on making love to her slowly and sweetly while she let go of her anger and sadness and all consuming grief.
Tears streamed down her face as she put her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, holding onto him and crying, feeling him moving in and out of her and realizing that as sad and miserable and heartbroken as she was being one with him like this made her feel warm and secure and whatever feelings she had for this man suddenly grew deeper and she cried and urged him on and when she felt the release building she relaxed and let him bring it out of her, moaning and thanking him through her tears while he came with her, no longer trying to fight his own tears, her reaching out to him on such a deep emotional level and trusting him to let him see her this raw touching him in a way he hadn't been touched in a long time.
He finished and stayed inside of her holding onto her, her face buried in his neck and his on the pillow by her ear, talking softly to her and reassuring her. After a few minutes he lifted his head and looked into her eyes. They both saw it and felt it, but neither were ready or willing to say it, instead coming together in another wet, passionate kiss that eventually led to them making love again, minus the anger and tears this time, just two people finding comfort and love in each other's arms.