Jack woke early the next morning, Kate snuggled close to him, legs tangled together, the sheets twisted around them the comforter nowhere to be found and the smell of sex permeating the room. He carefully eased himself out of her clutches and stood beside the rumpled bed. They'd been all over it numerous times during the night. He was physically exhausted and hoped any soreness she would have wasn't going to match the current ache in his balls. He found the comforter on the floor and quietly threw it over the bed, covering her completely with it, not ready to explain a naked woman in his bed to Conner. If he weren't so tired he might've stopped to consider the significance of Kate being the first woman ever allowed to still be in his bed when Conner woke up.
He walked into the bathroom and closed the door, turned the water to the shower on, went to the bathroom and stepped into the hot steamy water, letting it beat over his face and chest and then his back, applying soap and shampoo and then more soap and when he finally felt human again he shut the water off and stepped out, wrapping a towel around his waist and walking back into the bedroom. She hadn't moved, still sleeping soundly, not crying and no evidence of her voracious appetite for him. She just looked peaceful, as peaceful as he'd known her to look.
He dressed, checked on Conner and went downstairs and outside to retrieve her things from his car. He pulled everything that belonged to TJ out of Kate's suitcase and put it in a bag he'd brought outside with him. He took the suitcase back into his house, dropping the bag with TJ's things on a table at the foot of the stairs, not sure what to do with it. He had about an hour before he needed to wake Conner up and hoped to be able to make some phone calls and enjoy at least one strong cup of coffee before he did.
After waking Conner and feeding him breakfast he went back upstairs to check on Kate. She was curled up in a ball under the comforter staring at the wall. He sat on the bed beside her and placed his hand gently on her shoulder.
"That was quite a night." Kate mumbled.
"Yeah." Jack said.
"You didn't like it?" Kate asked.
He leaned in and kissed her gently.
"If I didn't like it I wouldn't participate. What about you? Are you okay with it this morning?" He asked.
"I think I got a little carried away at times, and I think you're a very patient man for putting up with me, but yeah, I'm okay with it." Kate said in an apologetic tone.
"I don't put up with you, I care. There's a difference and I'd be a liar if I said I didn't enjoy every minute I get to spend making love to you even if I am running on fumes this morning." He said and leaned in and kissed her again, longer, wetter, allowing the intensity to build to passion before pulling away.
"Are you leaving?" She asked.
"I'm going to take Conner to school and run a couple of errands and then we can go to the funeral home. I finally brought your suitcase up. Feel free to use the phone and the shower and anything else in the house and please eat something." Jack said.
"How long will you be gone?" Kate asked."
"Not long. Will you be okay?" He asked.
"Yeah." She said softly.
"Are you sure Kate? I can get my sister-in-law to take him to school." Jack offered.
"No, don't do that. He's looking forward to you taking him to school. I'm fine." Kate said.
"You've got my cell phone number if you need anything. I'll see you in a few. Okay?" He said and kissed her one more time.
Jack took Conner to school and ran the few errands he had. He pulled back into the driveway of his home less that two hours after he'd left, grabbed the package in the seat next to him and made his way into the house. He closed the door and listened. The house was quiet. He thought about calling out to Kate, but if she was asleep he didn't want to wake her. He walked around and finally went upstairs, still clutching the bag he'd carried into the house with him. He found her in his bedroom, lying on the bed, showered and dressed for the day, clutching the sweater TJ had been wearing at the cabin. He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his hand over her back.
"I can still smell him on this." Kate said and held it to her face.
He didn't say anything. There was nothing he could say. All he could do was be there for her. She noticed the bag in his hand and looked up at him.
"What's in the bag?" She asked.
"I took the memory card out of your camera this morning and took it to the drug store. They printed the pictures and put them in this for you." Jack said as he handed Kate a small photo album with all the pictures from their day in the snow with TJ.
"Is that the snow pictures?" Kate asked in an appreciative, but apprehensive tone.
"Yeah, I had them put this one in a frame for you." Jack said as he pulled out the picture he took of TJ and Kate cheek to cheek with the mountain in the background. It was framed in a square, white frame that had a heart carved into the center of each side of the frame.
Kate sat up and took the photo from him, running her fingers lightly over TJ's face in the photo.
"He was so happy." Kate choked out and let go of her tears.
"He was and so were you. You can tell how much he loved you." Jack said.
Kate held onto the photo and wrapped her arms his neck, hugging him and thanking him and crying. He returned the hug and held on until she was ready to pull away. They sat together on the bed and looked through the pictures of TJ's last day, laughing at the different shots of the completed snowman and both agreeing the shot of TJ's face when they opened the door and he saw the snow was the one they'd blow up and display with his casket.
Jack finally took the photo album and placed it on the nightstand beside the bed along with the framed photo. He stood and took Kate's hands and pulled her up and into him. He kissed her and hugged her tightly.
She knew it was time to go to the funeral home. They could put it off if she wanted to, but there were people who wanted to pay their respects to TJ. She didn't want her dead child on display, but she was willing to allow a closed casket viewing with a picture displayed as soon as she herself decided she was satisfied with the way her son looked.
They drove to the funeral home in silence, stopping by the drug store with the memory card to have the one photo printed out large enough to fill a 24 inch frame. Jack kept his arm wrapped tightly around her waist as they entered the facility. He could feel her body begin to tremble as they followed the man to the room where TJ's casket was being prepared for visitors to view. They could smell the fresh flowers as they got closer to the room and Kate caught a glimpse of the casket, the lid open and just enough of TJ to stop her in her tracks. She turned away from the casket and buried her face in Jack's chest.
"I'll give you some privacy. Take as much time as you need and let me know if there is anything at all that needs to be better." The funeral director said and left the room.
Jack nodded at the man and didn't attempt to move. He looked at the small casket with the child laid out in it and felt his stomach knot up. He couldn't think of anything more unnatural than viewing something like this.
"I can't do this Jack. I can't look at my little boy in that thing. Please just get me out of here." Kate insisted, crying and clutching two handfuls of his shirt, refusing to turn around.
Jack slowly moved them toward the casket, knowing this was something she had to do, all part of the closure process and he knew that once you take in the view, absorb it and process it that it's not as frightening as your mind is telling you it might be. He stopped them about 3 feet from the casket and talked softly to her.
"You can do this Kate." Jack said.
"No, I don't want to. Just tell me if he looks okay. Does he look scared?" Kate managed to choke out.
She was growing weaker or fainter by the moment. He could feel more and more of her weight falling into him.
"He looks very peaceful Kate, like he's sleeping. I know you're scared, afraid that what you'll see will be too awful to handle, but I promise it's not. Turn around and make peace with this Kate and I promise I won't let go of you." Jack encouraged.
Kate slowly turned around. Jack kept his harm wrapped around her stomach, holding her close to his body. She walked to the edge of the casket and he could feel her hold her breath for a long time and then he could feel it hitching, her body about to crumble into an emotional pile of broken pieces and he tightened the hold he had on her.
Kate moved her hands over his little body, caressing his tiny hands and face, unhappy with the make-up that came off on her hands. She leaned in and kissed his cold lips and placed his blanket and favorite stuffed toy in the casket with him.
"Mommy loves you so much baby and I will miss you every minute of every day." Kate said through her tears as she continued to stroke the child's hands and face.
They stood in front of the casket for awhile, him holding her up and her taking her time and saying goodbye, waiting until she felt like she could allow them to close the lid on him for good.
"Okay Jack, I'm ready. I'm ready to walk away now." Kate said.
"Are you sure?" Jack asked softly.
"Yes. That's not TJ. It's just a shell of what used to be my sweet, courageous little boy. Tell them to close the lid. I want people to remember TJ, not his corpse." Kate insisted.
"Okay, we'll tell them on the way out." Jack offered.
"No! Now! I want to see them do it!" Kate demanded.
"Kate, are you sure you want…………" Jack tried to argue.
"Now Jack!" She yelled getting the attention of the funeral director.
"Is everything okay in here?" He asked.
"Yes, um, she wants you to close it now, for good and display the picture we brought. She won't leave until she sees you do that." Jack said.
"Are you sure Ms. Austen?" The man asked.
"Yes, I'm sure! I don't want anyone to see him like that. Do it now please." Kate told him, her body trembling against Jack's.
Jack remembered Emily's funeral and how the casket had been opened for everyone to walk by and pay their final respects. He remembered the family being kept in the chapel after everyone had left and the final words being spoken and he remembered sitting on the front row, the casket right in front of him, watching them put the blanket over her face and closing the lid on her and then locking the casket, the sound of it echoing through the room and echoing through his mind every night for months as he tried to go to sleep. He remembered the brief moment of panic he felt when that key was turned, the instant knowledge that it was really over, that he'd never see his beautiful wife again, that they'd just locked that door of this life and thrown away the key.
He remembered that feeling and he didn't want Kate to experience it, but he couldn't stop her. She was angry and grief-stricken and wanted what she wanted right now, there would be no talking her out of it, so he just held onto her knowing that it was going to most likely hit her the same way it had hit him, but probably worse because he had a small baby, a piece of Emily to hold onto that day while Kate had nothing by the emptiness that losing a child would leave.
They stood together and watched the funeral director place the framed photo of TJ on the pedestal beside the casket and then watched him close the lid on the casket. Jack could feel her growing weaker, feel her sobbing increase and breathing become erratic. When they turned the key he felt her dropping to her knees and he went down with her, turning her to face him, holding the man off with his hand while pulling her into him with the other. He cradled her in his arms while she cried for her loss, for that door of her life being officially locked and the key thrown away and while he couldn't protect her from this horrible sense of loss and emptiness he could support her and give her something to hold on to, just as he had clung to his six month old child in that painful moment.
The funeral director brought them a bottle of water and cool cloth and left Jack to bring her back in private and when she was ready to stand up and walk out of, they put their arms around each other's waist and walked out together, taking a moment to glance back at the picture of the smiling, happy little boy displayed beside the small casket covered with blue and yellow flowers.
They drove to Conner's school and Kate went inside with Jack to get him. Jack glanced into the room and saw his son sitting alone right beside the teacher and wondered if he'd gotten into trouble again. He waited for the bell to ring and entered the classroom. Conner approached them, looking a little sad.
"Hi Daddy." Conner said softly.
"Hey buddy. Can you stay here with Kate for a minute while I go talk to your teacher?" Jack asked the boy.
"Okay daddy. You want to see where I usually sit Kate?" Conner asked.
"Sure." Kate said and let the boy take her by the hand and over to his desk.
Jack watched them for a few seconds and walked over to where the young teacher was seated.
"Hi, I'm Jack Shephard, we met on parent's night I think." Jack said.
"Yes, we did. You have a very bright little boy Mr. Shephard." The woman said.
"Thank you. Is everything okay? I noticed he seemed to be in trouble again today." Jack said.
"That must be Kate." The woman said pointing at Kate who was currently being dragged through the classroom looking at all of Conner's pictures on the wall.
"How did you?" Jack asked not quite sure what to ask.
"Conner drew a picture today, a picture of an angel holding a little boy. He was very proud of it and told me he made it for Kate because she was sad and he wanted to give her something. The drawing was quite good and I suppose Tony didn't appreciate the attention Conner was getting over his drawing so he took a black marker and scribbled all over it." The teacher explained to Jack.
"This Tony sounds like quite a handful." Jack said.
"He probably has some issues at home that make him act out the way he does, but that doesn't mean he gets to be excused for what he did to Danny yesterday or what he did to Conner today." The teacher told him.
"So why was Conner in trouble?" Jack asked.
"He wasn't. He was close to being devastated by what Tony did and the only way I could console him was to allow him to come sit by me and make another picture for Kate. He didn't get to finish it so he made me promise to lock it in my desk until tomorrow. Your son has a very big heart." She told Jack.
"Yes he does and thank you for dealing with the picture thing the way you did." Jack said and stood to leave.
Conner ran up to him excited and ready to go. Jack picked him up, chuckling at how excited he was when a few minutes ago he looked as if his world was coming to an end.
"Daddy, Kate said she will come to the games place with us. Can we go? Please daddy." Conner asked.
Jack looked at Kate. She looked tired and he knew what she'd just been through emotionally and wondered if she really felt like spending a couple of hours in a restaurant/arcade. She smiled at him and nodded, knowing what he was thinking.
"Get your backpack son and we can go." Jack said as he set the boy down.
Conner ran to his desk, grabbed his backpack and then grabbed Kate's hand.
"Let's go dad." Conner insisted and led Kate out of the classroom with Jack following behind.
They drove to the restaurant/arcade with Conner chattering happily about his day with no mention of the picture or what Tony had done to it. They sat together in a corner booth, with Conner between them and ate Lunch. Kate mostly played with her food, but Jack noticed that she did eat about half of the club sandwich she ordered and decided it was progress over the two bites of her sandwich she'd eaten the night before.
They had a good time in the arcade and Jack noticed that Conner had managed to get Kate to laugh a couple of times. His son seemed intent on making things not sad for Kate and it was working for the moment. She didn't seem to mind that Conner had latched onto her and made her his playmate for the day, holding her hand and leading her around the arcade, convincing her to ride in a bumper car with him and helping him beat his dad at a game of air hockey.
Conner fell asleep in the car on the way home and Kate was close to nodding off by the time he pulled into the driveway. Jack carried Conner into the house and put him in his bed and convinced Kate to lay down with him on the couch in the family room and watch television. They both slept until Conner woke them up about an hour later.
Later that evening, Jack was busy pulling the bath toys out of the Jacuzzi while Conner was in the bedroom putting his pajamas on. He walked out to check on Conner's progress and found him staring at the picture of Kate and TJ that was on the nightstand beside the bed.
"You ready for your ice cream?" Jack asked.
"Is that Kate's little boy dad?" Conner asked.
"Yes son, his name was TJ." Jack said waiting for the barrage of questions that he was sure would follow, but never did.
Conner just seemed to process the information and was ready to go downstairs for ice cream. Jack walked into the kitchen not noticing that Conner was no longer behind him. He'd made a detour into the family room. He found Kate sitting on the couch and crawled up beside her. Jack turned around to ask Conner what flavor he wanted, looked puzzled for a moment and then realized immediately that Conner had saved the barrage of questions for Kate and hurried into the family room to try to muzzle him before he upset her.
"How come TJ went to heaven Kate?" Conner asked just as Jack entered the room.
"Conner, I don't think………" Jack started to interrupt the child but was stopped by Kate.
"It's okay Jack." Kate said and turned to face the inquisitive child.
"Sometimes children get very sick Conner." Kate told him.
"But my daddy can make sick people better. How come he couldn't make TJ better?" Conner asked.
"Your dad couldn't make him well Conner, nobody could. Sometimes people are just too sick or too broken to be fixed." Kate explained, her voice calm, no hint that the conversation was upsetting her.
Conner seemed to think hard and long about this and finally sat up on his knees and kissed Kate on the cheek and hugged her. He pulled back and Kate saw the tears running down the little boy's cheeks.
"What's the matter honey?" Kate asked.
"I don't want to go to heaven and leave my dad here." Conner cried.
"Oh sweetie, don't think like that. My little boy was very sick for a long time and you aren't. I think you and your dad will be together for a very long time." Kate reassured him.
"I don't want you to be sad Kate. Me and my dad will keep you company." Conner asked.
"Thank you Conner. I will always miss TJ and that will make me sad sometimes, but I think having you for a friend will help cheer me up." Kate told him starting to become emotional and giving Jack a look of desperation as Conner hugged her again.
Jack pulled Conner away from Kate and took him into the kitchen for his ice cream cone. He could hear her crying as he left the room and found that the lump that had developed in his throat while watching the scene was making it difficult to swallow.
When Conner finished his ice cream Jack took him upstairs to his bedroom and read to him until he fell asleep, wanting to give Kate some time to be alone and not have to deal with accepting affection from his five year old while her body was still longing to hold her own child so bad she could still feel him in her arms.
Jack came downstairs and found Kate on the couch flipping through the small photo album he'd given her earlier that day. He sat beside her and put his arm around her. She leaned back into him and let the back of her head relax on his shoulder.
"He was such a beautiful little boy Jack. I miss him so much. I remember when I was in labor with TJ, I kept thinking that nothing could hurt this bad and be survivable. That's how I feel right now. Can I really hurt this much and find a way to go on?" Kate asked.
"It probably doesn't seem possible today, but it shouldn't feel possible today. One day at a time is the only way to do it Kate and you're going to have good days and bad days. Hopefully you'll let me experience both with you." Jack said.
"Are you trying to make me fall in love with you Jack?" Kate asked.
"I don't have any hidden agendas here Kate, but would that be the worst thing that could happen?" He asked.
"I don't know. Should a person be toying with such a powerful emotion at a time like this?" Kate asked.
"Hell if I know. I guess if two people fall in love it doesn't matter what circumstances led to them finding each other, it only matters what they do once they have found each other." Jack answered.
"You're a mystery Jack. Dead wife or not, there's no reason why someone like you should be alone. I keep waiting for Mr. Hyde to show up and I'll be honest and tell you that it scares me. I'm fighting hard, trying not to allow myself to feel anything for you, but I'm failing miserably." Kate said.
"There is no Mr. Hyde Kate. This is the real me. I told you, I work a lot, sometimes seven days a week, 12 to 14 hours a day, and the rest of my time goes to Conner. That doesn't leave much time to pamper a woman and they don't like it. I dated a woman for about a year. We split up about a month before I met you in San Francisco. Can you believe she actually brought me pamphlets to private boarding schools? She wanted to send my five year old away to live with strangers and that seemed like an okay thing to her?" Jack explained.
"Yet you've done nothing but pamper me for days Jack. Why?" Kate asked.
"I don't have an answer for that Kate except that I genuinely care. If you want to hear that I just never cared enough about those other women to pamper them then I can look you in the eyes and tell you that is true. You're the first woman I've been with that hasn't had to compete with a ghost; that has actually managed to push my memories of Emily out of my mind. Trust me, nothing ruins a relationship quicker than rolling over and whispering your dead wife's name into your lover's ear." Jack explained making her laugh a little.
"You don't think about Emily when you're with me?" Kate asked.
"No. When I'm with you, whether we are just lying together talking or riding roller coasters or having sex, you are the only woman on my mind." Jack said.
"I appreciate your honesty Jack. You don't talk about it, but I get the sense that you loved your wife with all your heart and admitting that you might finally be letting go of her must be very difficult. As for Conner, well he's an adorable, caring, sweet carbon copy of his father and any witch that would consider sending him away deserved to be dumped. Please tell me those weren't her panties I was wearing." Kate said making him chuckle.
"Actually she dumped me when I refused to consider sending Conner away to school and she wasn't the type to leave her underwear behind so no worries there either." He told her, smiling at the normal conversation they were having in the middle of the tragic situation they were dealing with.
Kate moved into his lap, straddling him and placing her hands on his shoulders while his hands instinctively went around her waist and held onto her lower back. They looked into each other's eyes for a long time, neither speaking. She kissed him lightly and pulled back.
"What are we doing here Jack?" Kate asked.
"What do you mean?" Kate asked.
"I mean we've known each other for a week, you've shared something with me that nobody should have to and you continue to be my rock. I'm walking around your house like I live here and your son is latching onto me. What are we doing?" Kate asked.
"I don't know. I guess we're just coping." Jack answered.
"And how long do we continue to just cope?" Kate asked.
"Until you're ready to take the next step in your life, whether that's going back to work or packing up TJ's things or deciding to stay here for awhile. One day at a time Kate." Jack answered.
"What was your next step Jack, when your wife died, I mean?" Kate asked.
"My next step was to eliminate all evidence of her existence. Her clothes, her favorite things, her furniture, her house, our bed, all of it given away and the house put up for sale. Of course there was Conner so I guess my laboring for weeks trying to eliminate her existence was an exercise in futility because she's looking right back at me every single day." Jack admitted.
"Did it help you deal with the pain?" Kate asked.
"Yeah, I guess it did." Jack said.
"Then I guess it wasn't futile." Kate said and smiled at him.
"This isn't about me Kate." Jack said.
"Maybe it is just a little bit Jack. Maybe we're supposed to heal each other." Kate offered and kissed him some more.
"Maybe." Jack whispered and returned her kisses, pulling her closer, moving his hands over her back in a slow sensual manner as he deepened the kiss.
He moved his tongue over her lips begging for entrance and pushing in slowly when she opened up for him. They'd nearly perfected the dance in the week they'd known each other, both seeming to know how to move their tongue in perfect rhythm with the other, slowly tasting and teasing the other, the naughtiness of their perfected dance arousing and drawing the now familiar desire for one another out of them.
He slipped his hands inside the back of her shirt and unhooked her bra, gliding his fingers forward, pushing the unfastened undergarment up and away from her breasts, his large hands cupping both of them, massaging them with slow gentle squeezes and finally pulling out of the kiss and pulling her shirt up and off her. He pushed the bra straps down her arms and tossed it to the floor with her shirt. She sat in front of him, nude from the waist up, her dark brown curls hanging down around the front, creeping toward the top of her breasts. He pushed the hair back letting his fingertips glide lightly across her skin, making her shiver. He held the hair back and brought his mouth to her neck, kissing lightly, moving his tongue behind her ear and nibbling lightly on the lobe.
She squirmed in his lap, his kisses and nibbling tickling and tantalizing her at the same time. Her breasts skimmed the outside of his shirt while she was squirming, the sensation on her nipples going directly to her groin making her moan and gyrate over his crotch, feeling him harden through his jeans. He held his warm and gentle hands on her back while his mouth moved down her chest, kissing her breasts and rolling his tongue over each nipple, sucking each one into his mouth, making the bud hard and moving to the other side, making her gyrate harder into him.
She scooted back away from him enough to pull his shirt up and off, wanting to feel his warm, firm, hairy chest against hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he pulled her into him, kissing her passionately while he repositioned them, laying her back onto the couch, letting her head rest on one of the throw pillows and taking his position beside her so he could play with her body for awhile. He kept his mouth moving over hers and she felt his hand move down to her waistband, his fingers gliding just inside for a moment and then nimbly unbuttoning and unzipping her pants, allowing his hand to slide inside the opening and into the front of her panties. He slid his middle finger down her crease and back up, the wetness making him moan and begin pushing her jeans and panties out of his way.
He pushed the clothes past her hips and knees, leaving them wrapped around her ankles, hungrily kissing her while his hand slid back down to her crease, encouraging her to bend her knees and open up for him so he could feel all of her. She felt his finger slowly swirling through her lips, spreading her slippery juices over her, the heat in her loin intensifying with every swirl as she became wetter and felt him smile while kissing her. He stopped kissing her and moved his mouth down to her breasts and brought his mouth down to her nipple sucking it hard into his mouth while his finger gently penetrated her the simultaneous rough and gentle sensations making her moan loudly and allow her legs to relax in the bent position, her jeans still wrapped around her ankles, her eyes closed and body relaxed enjoying what he was doing to her.
He continued the slow, gentle penetration below coupled with intense sucking and occasional biting above, his thumb gently rubbing over her clit, while his finger slid slowly in and out. Her nipples would be sore in the morning, but she didn't care and urged him to suck harder. He did and he felt her legs clamp shut as her center quivered around him, panting and holding tight, making sure his hand couldn't move, everything too sensitive for him to touch. He kept his hand still and moved his head back up to hers, kissing her once more before finally pulling his hand away and standing up.
He reached for his belt and she stopped him, insisting he let her do it. She unfastened his belt and carefully unfastened his jeans, sliding them down his hips and legs until they hit the floor and he stepped out of them. He was bulging against the confines of his grey boxer briefs. She ran her fingernails over his hardness through the material making him shiver and then she slid the boxer briefs down the same path his jeans took leaving his cock standing hard and firm in front of her. She took him into her hands and then into her mouth, nearly knocking him off balance. He ran his fingers through her hair and watched her swallow him and then pull back until he couldn't take it anymore. He pulled away from her and pulled her up to her feet.
She stepped out of her jeans and panties and he turned them around. He sat down on the couch and she followed, straddling him and hovering just above his tip. She put him into position and slowly slid down onto him, wrapping her arms around his neck and him holding firmly to her waist and she began to move up and down slowly, their eyes locked on each other, both focused on the heat between them and the sweet release that would come eventually. He felt her walls clench around him and held her still while she came. When she finished he laid himself back onto the couch and pulled her forward, her naked body sprawled over his chest moving slowing forward and back while she kissed him and then sucked on his nipples, picking up her pace a little and coming again, this one making her scream and him covering her mouth with his to muffle it before it woke Conner.
She collapsed over his chest, still connected, but too tired to keep humping over him. He rolled them onto her sides facing each other, lifted her leg over his hip and continued pushing into her unable to get there so he pulled out and rolled her onto her back and entered her again. She wrapped her legs around him and felt the warm sensation rush though her body as he took his time and loved her, bringing another mind numbing orgasm out of her before letting his own go and then collapsing in each others arms on the couch, naked and exposed both physically and emotionally.