Thanks for all the nice reviews and for sticking with it. Hopefully after this chapter things will start to lighten up a bit and not be so depressing.
They had gathered their strewn clothes and walked upstairs. Kate talked him into relaxing with her in the Jacuzzi which led to more lovemaking when they got out, his warm freshly washed skin with just a hint of the rain shower scented bath salts clinging to him too much for her to resist and him not the least bit interested in being resistant to her advances. He was falling in love with her, he knew it and he no longer wondered if her situation, her needing him so much is what made her seem so loveable to him, because it wasn't. It was her, everything about her and not any one thing he could put his finger on.
He'd wanted to take her back to his hotel room that first night and make love until the sun came up, but he resisted partially because of what she was dealing with, but also because she scared him. In the few hours he'd spent with her she'd triggered things in him he decided had died with Emily and yet there they were, the sweaty palms, the anticipation, the school boy giddiness of truly enjoying and being overwhelmed by the presence of the female beside him. It was the first time in five years he felt the fire in the pit of stomach reignite and it wasn't until that moment that he realized how lonely he'd been, how detached he was from the world that was going on around him, his passions in life had become his work and his son, the rest of him completely shut off from everyone and everything.
Jack recognized the familiar signs and it was easy for him since he'd only felt what he was feeling for Kate with one other person. Emily or "Em" as he called her had captured his heart the very first day and captivated his thoughts every day afterward and Kate had pretty much done the same thing, blindsided him and unwittingly brought him back to life. As he lay in bed on his side, propped up on his elbow, delicately gliding his fingers over her bare shoulder and back, enough so he could curb his urge to touch her, but lightly enough that it hopefully wouldn't wake her up, he thought about the time he'd spent with Kate.
So much of their time together had been racked with her attempting to survive something so painful that she had to remind herself to breathe and him doing his best to just be there for her. But their moments together when it was just him and her had been some of the most special moments he'd spent with a woman since Emily. He didn't bother burdening himself with the guilt that Emily wouldn't like it because she would've wanted him to move on and find some peace and happiness and if she could have she would've kicked him in the ass a long time ago and insisted he get back in the game. Kate was right, as much as he was focused on helping her, she was helping him, which he found a bit surprising because up until the day she walked into his life he had no idea he needed help, although his perceptive five year old son seemed to be keenly aware of the fact that his father was in need of something more in his life.
Kate began to stir and then finally rolled over to look into the eyes of the source of the gentle caresses she'd been enjoying for the last 15 minutes.
"Good morning." She purred as she let her fingernails glide gently though the hair on his chest.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up." He apologized.
"That's a nice way to wake up." She told him and moved closer, her thighs and crotch making contact with him and moaning when she realized he was fully erect.
"I can think of nicer ways to wake you up, but I'll save that for another day." He teased.
"It feels like you've been thinking pretty hard about waking me up like that already." She teased back as she wrapped her soft hand around his length and began slowly pumping up and down.
"Actually I've just been thinking about you and watching you sleep, if I'd allowed my mind to wander to the naughty side of things you'd probably have a mess in your hand right now." He said with a light chuckle.
"I'd rather have the mess inside of me." She said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and tugged until he rolled over on top of her, supporting his weight on one arm and looking into her eyes.
She brought his mouth down to hers and he kissed her passionately while they worked together to get their lower bodies positioned, both moaning simultaneously as he entered her. They began making love and had settled into a steady rhythm and just as he was about to pick up the pace Conner knocked on the door.
"Daddy, I'm awake and I'm hungry." Conner called.
Jack didn't break stride, but answered the child as best he could.
"Okay bud, I'll be out in a minute." Jack called out trying not to sound as desperate as he felt.
"What are you doing dad? Why is the door locked?" Conner asked.
"Um…I'm exercising." Jack lied and continued to move in and out of her, feeling her getting close and feeling his own release getting close and just wanted the child to get out of earshot so he could go wild for two minutes and get both of them off.
"Can I come in and watch?" Conner asked making both Jack and Kate stifle the desire to laugh.
"I'm almost done Conner. If you go downstairs and get things ready for me I'll let you have chocolate milk with your breakfast." Jack shamelessly bribed the child.
"In a big cup?" Conner asked.
"Jesus….(grumbling under his breath, trying to control the panting)…..you can have any cup you want Conner!'' Jack called out trying to remain patient and then picked up the pace, realizing if the boy was still out there he'd hear the sound of him pounding her into the mattress below them, but he'd lost all parental sense about five minutes ago.
They both came hard within a minute of Conner scampering away from the door, locking their mouths together in a wet, sloppy kiss to muffle the noises. When they both bottomed out and relaxed he broke the kiss and moved off of her, lying on his back just long enough to catch his breath before he tried to make himself look composed to his inquisitive child.
"That was close." Kate giggled.
"No kidding, but I was ready to up the ante and offer to buy him a new video game if that's what it took." Jack teased.
"Well, you better get down there while you're still all sweaty and out of breath." Kate suggested.
"Why's that?" Jack asked.
"Well you did tell him you were exercising." Kate reminded.
Jack chuckled and rolled out of bed. He slipped on a pair of jeans and left the room in search of Conner.
When he got to the kitchen Conner had the eggs, milk and bread on one of the counters and was standing on another counter, reaching for the top shelf of one of the cupboards ready to put a foot onto the bottom shelf of the cupboard so he could reach higher. Jack hurried across the kitchen and pulled him away from the open cupboard.
"Son, don't climb in the cupboards, you'll fall and get hurt." Jack said and sat the boy on one of the barstools.
"I got everything ready dad." Conner told him and pointed at the ingredients on the counter.
"I guess you want french toast this morning?" Jack asked.
"Nope, scrambled eggs and toast." Conner told him.
"What's the milk for?" Jack asked.
"You said I could have chocolate milk, but the chocolate is up too high." Conner complained.
"Okay, I'll make the eggs and you can make the chocolate milk and Conner, try to have some milk with the chocolate this time." Jack told him handing him the can of Chocolate powder, the milk, a glass and a spoon.
"You said I could have a big cup dad." Conner objected.
Jack chuckled at the fact that as young as Conner was he could get nothing by him. He reached into another cupboard and found a cup that had to hold at least 24 ounces of liquid and set it down in front of Conner.
"There ya go and if you drink all that I'll probably have to have your stomach pumped." Jack told him.
"What's stomach pumped?" Conner asked.
"Never mind, that's just me telling you not to fill up on chocolate milk, save some room for these eggs I'm getting ready to make." Jack told him.
"Are you picking me up at school today?" Conner asked.
"No, Aunt Jenna will be picking you up today. I have to do something with Kate today." Jack said and he cooked the eggs.
"Oh you're burying her son today huh?" Conner suggested as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
"Conner, that's…….where'd you hear that?" Jack asked.
"I heard you yelling on the phone last night that Kate was burying her son today and that…..well, I'm not allowed to say what you said after that." Conner told him.
"You're not supposed to listen to daddy when's he's on the phone though are you?" Jack reminded him.
"No, sorry dad, but how come you and grandpa always fight?" Conner asked.
"We don't always fight Conner, we just don't agree on things very often so it probably sounds like we're fighting." Jack said.
"Dad what is burying?" Conner asked.
"Do you remember when your hamster died and we dug a hole out back and put him in a box and put him in the hole? That's burying something." Jack told him.
"They're going to put TJ in a box and put him in the dirt?" Conner asked sounding a bit disturbed by the idea.
Jack sighed heavily, put the scrambled eggs on a plate, placed them in front of Conner, leaned on his elbows on the breakfast bar and looked his son in the eyes.
"You ask some really hard questions sometimes son. Let's not talk about this right now and promise me that you will not ask Kate about this because it will make her very sad." Jack said.
"Okay daddy, but if I die I don't want to be in the dirt." Conner said his bottom lip quivering.
Jack realized the idea of being buried in the dirt wasn't something Conner was ready to process mentally and wished he'd stopped being pissed off at his father long enough to realize that his five year was standing close by listening to his phone conversation. He picked Conner up along with his large glass of milk and carried both into his office. While Conner sat in his dad's lap drinking his milk and nibbling on a piece of toast, Jack patiently and delicately attempted to explain what happens to a person when they die. He found pictures on the internet of a casket so he could show him that TJ wasn't in a shoebox and he found a picture of a cemetery and of a funeral to show him. When they were done Conner's small stomach was extended beyond capacity, full of chocolate milk, his young mind seemingly eased for the moment and the child looked up at Jack.
"So is that what happened to my mommy?" Conner asked.
"Yes." Jack answered.
Conner thought for a moment and looked up with thoughtful eyes.
"Daddy I would be scared if you put me in the dirt all by myself. Can they put TJ next to mommy so he won't be scared?" Conner asked.
Jack gently pulled the child into his chest with the arm he had wrapped around him as a gesture of reassurance and kissed the top of his head.
"He's not scared baby because the part of you that gets scared, the part that lives inside you and feels things like being happy or sad or scared, doesn't go into the dirt. That part of TJ has probably been cuddled up with your mom for days." Jack said softly.
"I hope TJ likes my mom as much as I like his." Conner said with a satisfied smile and squirmed out of Jack's lap.
Jack followed Conner out of his office, running into Kate who was standing just outside the door. Her eyes were filled with tears and he instinctively pulled her into his chest for a hug.
"I'm sorry Kate. He's a little freaked out and has a lot of questions." Jack apologized.
She pulled back and kissed him gently.
"It's okay Jack, we're all a little freaked out. You handled that very well and apparently he likes me." Kate told him.
"What's not to like." Jack said sweetly.
"I need to go home Jack." Kate said.
"Do you need some things?" Jack asked.
"No Jack, I mean I need to go home to stay. I can't keep living here and letting you do everything for me. I'm burying my son today and tomorrow I need to get back to normal, whatever that is." Kate insisted.
Jack looked at her, acceptance, closure and full blown denial all pouring out of her at once. The easiest way to face the idea that you're going to put a loved one in the ground is to look past it, look at it as the final detail before you can just move on. He wanted to argue and insist she stay with him, but he knew he had to let her feel her way through this awful day and be there when her delusions about just moving on came crashing down on her.
"Okay if that's what you really want. Do you want me to drop you when I take Conner to school?" Jack asked.
"You sure you aren't upset Jack?" Kate asked.
"No, of course not, whatever you feel like you need to do, it's fine." Jack said.
"Yes, I would like to go when you take Conner so I can shower and find the right dress to wear, but you'll pick me up and drive me to the cemetery right?" Kate asked.
Jack nodded and she excused herself to gather her things.
Jack drove Conner to school and dropped Kate off at her house. She insisted he not come in with her and he said he'd be back at noon to pick her up. He drove to the hospital to check on and release a couple of patients and did everything possible to avoid his father. He was just about to the elevator when he heard his voice calling to him. He turned around and reluctantly followed his father into a nearby conference room.
"Dad I don't have a lot of time." Jack said.
"Relax Jack, I didn't call you in here to lecture you on all of your shortcomings." Christian said.
Jack just looked at him. All of his shortcomings? There were so many he actually had a mental list of them?
"I want you to give this to Kate." Christian said and handed Jack a check.
"Dad, this is $20,000. Jesus, how much did you offer her to be my date?" Jack asked.
"I offered her $500 a day and I want to help. Funerals aren't cheap, but you know that." Christian said.
"His funeral is paid for dad." Jack objected.
"You paid for it?" Christian asked as if it were the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard.
"No dad I didn't, but I would've if she'd needed me to. This isn't an act of good will, you're trying to buy her off aren't you? Hoping she'll take the money and stay away from me?" Jack accused.
"You're paranoid son." Christian scoffed.
"Am I?" Jack shot back.
"Yes, you are. You can sleep with anyone you want." Christian said.
"As long as I don't take it seriously, commit or god forbid, allow a woman to distract me." Jack said angrily.
"Jack, you're still living under the delusion that you can have it all, but you can't. You either want to be the best surgeon this city has ever seen or you want to settle for just being average. Women like Kate don't understand the drive it takes to be the best because, well if they did, they wouldn't be where they are in their lives." Christian lectured.
"When did you become such a snob dad?" Jack asked.
"I'm not a snob Jack, I'm a realist. Kate is a lovely girl, but she's a waitress Jack. Who grows up wanting to be a waitress?" Christian said.
"Did it ever occur to you that sometimes a person's circumstances determine where they end up and what is wrong with being a waitress? Could you do it? It's an honest living and probably one that allowed her to be flexible enough to deal with the needs of a terminally ill child." Jack defended her.
"If I had known…..look Jack, I just wanted you to have a good time in San Francisco, loosen up, relax and take pride in your accomplishments. Take the check and give it to her and walk away son." Christian stressed in his 'father knows best' tone.
Jack tore the check up and let the pieces fall on the floor between them.
"Give it her yourself." Jack spat, turned and walked away.
Jack left the hospital angry, feeling like his head might explode. He sat in his car for a moment and refocused on what was important today. In less than an hour Kate would be saying her final goodbye to her child. Remembering her face earlier that day when she'd heard his conversation with Conner was all it took to get him to refocus and push any anger toward his father out of his mind.
He stood in the living room of her home waiting for her to finish getting ready. He looked around at the pictures of TJ all over the place and the way the living room had been turned into an infirmary. He noticed the oxygen tank, the cart stocked with alcohol, sterile gauze pads and the syringes used with his feeding tube. He noticed the small catheter needles and tubes and assumed she'd been tasked with making sure TJ's bladder was completely emptied at least once a day to keep infections from setting in. He cringed at the idea of having to inflict that kind of pain on your child once a day and his admiration for her increased. He noticed the small bed set up in the living room and decided that it must've been easier for her to centrally locate everything.
Looking around at the remnants of the cruel disease the claimed her son's life made him glad he hadn't chose oncology as his specialty, certain that he'd be at war with himself constantly over what's morally ethical and what's medically ethical and seeing daily that there are so many things in life that are worse than death.
She entered the room and snapped him out of his thoughts. She wore a simple, tasteful brown dress and seemed somewhat detached. He put his arm around her waist and took hold of her hand.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"No, but it doesn't matter. Let's go." She answered and pulled away from him.
"Kate." He said in worried tone.
"Don't! Okay, just don't hover! I don't want you to take care of me today Jack! Just let me get through this on my own. Please." Kate snapped at him.
He didn't respond. He simply placed his hand on her lower back and escorted her out of the house and to the car. They drove to the cemetery in silence, pulling in behind the short line of cars that had formed. He stepped out of the car and walked over to her side of the car and opened the door. She sat silently staring ahead, the casket and flowers and line of chairs underneath the green tent clearly visible. He squatted down beside her and placed a comforting hand on her leg.
"I don't think I can go up there Jack. I feel like I'm going to throw up." Kate said.
"Yes you can, because I'm going to walk up there with you and if you stumble I'll catch you and if you get sick I'll hold your head for you." Jack said sweetly.
She took hold of his hand and let him help her out of the car. He put his arm around her waist and held onto her, allowing her to lean into him and begin the short walk to the casket.
"Thank you." She whispered.
They walked up the hill slowly, stopping to allow friends to speak to her and hug her. They finally took their seats right in front of the casket and Kate sat eerily quiet beside him, no tears and barely any sign that she was breathing. When it was over they sat together while the line of people walked by and paid their respects and placed flowers on or beside the casket. Kate finally stood and placed a single white rose on top of the casket and turned away quickly.
They began walking back to the car, him holding her and her letting him, neither looking back. He helped her settle into the car and drove her home. He walked her to her door and she insisted he go home, that she needed to be alone so he kissed her goodbye and walked back to his car, worried, but willing to give her as much space as she needed. He was about a block away when he noticed her purse in the passenger floor board so he turned around to take it back to her.
He was just about to ring the doorbell when he heard the crashing and the screaming and it frightened him enough to not bother with knocking and he let himself in. He stopped, frozen momentarily by the scene in front of him. The once tidy living room had been transformed into a mess of strewn, broken items, the only items that remained undisturbed were the pictures of TJ. He could hear the commotion coming from the back of the house and hurried toward it. He found Kate in what he guessed had been TJ's bedroom and she was throwing toys, throwing clothes, beating her bloodied fists into anything she could find and screaming "It's not fair" over and over.
Jack tried to contain her unsuccessfully twice before he finally managed to wrap his arms around her from behind and hold onto her. She brought both legs up off the floor and fought him with everything she had, kicking and screaming and managing to gain enough leverage by placing her feet on the window sill and shoving them backwards, knocking him off balance, both of them crashing hard to the floor; him on his back, and her on top of him, still being held tightly in his arms. He wrapped his legs around her legs and rolled them onto their sides so he could add his weight to the situation, needing all the strength he had to hold her down. They lay on the floor, his entire body cocooned around her, ignoring the pain she was inflicting on him as she fought to get away from him.
"Let me go Jack! I hate you! I hate everything in this house! Why can't you just leave me alone? Why don't you just go home to your perfectly healthy little boy and cherish that! It isn't fair that my little boy had to suffer and die while yours is perfectly healthy and you act like it's a burden to spend time with him. Why can't you just let me be angry and stop trying to make everything okay because you feel guilty for neglecting your son!" She screamed.
"You are hurting yourself Kate. You lay here and be as angry as you want, hit me and kick me if it makes you feel better, but stop hurting yourself." He pleaded with her or whoever he was dealing with at the moment, the Kate he knew lost somewhere in the insane rage that had taken over.
She bit down hard on his hand and it shocked him enough to make him let go just long enough for her to get away from him. He followed her into her bedroom and before he could stop her she put both fists into the glass shower doors in the bathroom, glass falling around her, blood running down both arms and then she stopped. She turned around looking at her hands and arms and then up at him and began crying, walking toward him and falling into his chest, sobbing heavily, chest heaving and blood dripping everywhere. He backed them out of the bathroom and grabbed a couple of towels on the way. Once in the bedroom he sat her on the bed and kneeled down in front of her.
"Let me see your arms hon." He coaxed in a soft, soothing voice, trying to keep her calm, but needing to see how deep the cuts were.
She held her arms out in front of him. Her hands were bloody and her knuckles looked like ground beef. She had a deep cut on her forearm that would need stitches and he couldn't tell if she'd broken any bones in her hands so he wrapped both hands and forearms in the towels and carried her out of the house and into his car.
She sat in the front seat quiet and not moving all the way to the hospital. He carried her into the emergency room and to an exam room and sat her on the exam table while one of the nurses scrambled to catch up with him.
Two hours and fourteen stitches later they walked out of the ER together, her leaning heavily on him, weak from hunger and from the day. She'd refused any kind of sedative or pain killer other that the local anesthetic used to numb the cut that needed stitches. There were no broken bones but her hands were bruised and swollen and would be for days. He helped her into the car and put the seat belt around her.
"I'm sorry Jack. I just lost it." Kate said.
"It's okay Kate. If something happened to Conner I think I'd have to beat up something too." He told her, locking the seatbelt and kissing her gently.
"It's not okay Jack and I didn't mean what I said about Conner. He's a beautiful child and I'm glad he's healthy. He loves you so much and you are a good father Jack. I can tell how much he means to you and that you are doing the best you can. God Jack I'm so sorry, I didn't mean what I said, I don't know why I said it. You've been so good to me and you didn't deserve what I said." She cried.
"Kate it's okay." He tried to comfort her.
"No! Don't say that! It's so hard to accept that my baby suffered through something so awful and I could do nothing to protect him, but what I said was awful. I have no right to be jealous of your healthy son Jack and I am more sorry that I can ever convey." Kate babbled on, sobbing again and completely distraught over having been so cruel to the person who had been her savior through all of this.
He unhooked her seatbelt and pulled her into his chest, hugging her and trying to assure her that she hadn't hurt his feelings.
"Kate what happened to TJ wasn't fair and you have every right to feel cheated for him and angry for him and jealous that he didn't get the chance to just be a little boy. It's okay to feel that way. You've been through so much and it's okay to be pissed off and if it helps to be pissed off at me then that's okay too, but no matter how angry you get please believe that my feelings for you do not come from guilt or a need to make you feel better. My feelings for you are about you and nothing more and because I do have very strong feelings for you I can let the things you say at a time like this bounce right off and not give them a second thought." He told her as he did his best to calm her back down.
"It hurts so much Jack I can't stand it. Please help me make it stop hurting, help me stop thinking about his final moments over and over. How am I supposed to want to go on when every part of me hurts this bad?" Kate sobbed into his chest, her body trembling, an entire day's worth of grief pouring out of her in the front seat of his car.
"I wish I could stop the hurt Kate and I'm here for you, whatever you want, whatever you need for as long as you need it. I'm taking you home with me and you're going to eat something and then you're going to rest and then you're going to eat some more and then you're going to rest some more and we're going to keep doing that every day until you are able to put the pain in a manageable place and I promise you Kate that you will be able to find that place." Jack told her.
"Then what?" Kate asked.
"There is no "then what" Kate, no plan. One day at a time. Good days, bad days and all the days that lie somewhere in between. There is no schedule for grieving, no right or wrong way to do it and no set time for when you should stop, because we don't ever stop missing them Kate, we just get through each day and find a way to move past it. There's no secret or magical cure, it's just about moving on and coping the best you can day after day. Can you do that? Can you trust me and let me do that with you?" Jack asked.
"Why would you want to do that?" She asked.
"Why wouldn't I?" He said softly, looking into her eyes the sincerity in his eyes calming her.
She nodded and he eased her back into her seat, put the seatbelt around her again and drove them home. He had no idea where this relationship was headed, but he knew she was completely alone and completely broken and that it was breaking him and that was enough for now.